expiationlogs | ( open/catch-all ) what comes after the rain?

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( open/catch-all ) what comes after the rain?

Who: Ryoji...and you!
Where: Various locations in Aldrip.
What: September catch-all, aka Ryoji's No Good Very bad Month(s)
Warnings: Discussions of Bad Things That Happened in the gnosia event, such as violence and death-related warnings.

i. ...everything begins in silence
[Were one to find Ryoji, they would be perplexed to see him like this: sullen and melancholic, shoulders drooping by his lonesome. Even strangers would find it out of place, when joyful smiles seem to be his natural expression. His mood does not match the brightness of his scarf, a yellow fabric fraying at the edges. It’s in a better condition than he thought it would be, considering his prior death, but it is clear that it too has been through a lot.

Were one to find Ryoji — well, that means he’s doing a poor job of isolating himself, actually. It’s why he hasn’t been around his usual haunts, like the club building or the inn or any of the usual public spaces. As much as he loves humans and company, he prefers to dwell by his lonesome. He doesn’t want anyone see him like this, let alone burden anybody else by his troubles.

A shame that he couldn’t just disappear: not even death would give him that comfort. He doesn’t feel like staying by his residence either, not when too many of his friends know where he lives. It is only inevitable that one would stumble upon him in the lesser travelled spaces: small spaces, quiet corners, or even by the edge of the city.]

ii. face the sun, with —
[But one cannot sulk forever, no matter how much Ryoji wants for time to stop. And he knows, deep down, that he is merely delaying the inevitable.

Mustering his courage is the easy part — figuring out how to atone for his crimes is another. After all, what he has done is considered to be unforgivable, regardless of whether they were all revived from death or not. Still, he does want to do something, such that he can move forward.

He has learned that in Japan, one expresses the depths of their guilt by how deeply one bows to the bereaved. The lowest one can do is to have your forehead touch the floor — but at that point, wouldn’t he just embarrass the other? He’s here to apologize, not to make himself feel better with grand dramatic gestures.

He opts for a bow that reaches ninety degrees instead.]

I’m really, really sorry! I don’t know how to make it up to you, but I’ll find a way!

iii. tender is the night.
[In here, the moon is always full.

It is a fact that Ryoji was delighted to hear. Of all the faces that the celestial object could wear, it is what he considers to be the most beautiful. A soft glow that illuminates the night, revealing all the beauty that lies underneath. That is why Ryoji has come to love going on walks out at night, if only he could admire it a little bit longer.

And yet, this peace has also given him some discomfort: isn’t this serenity similar to what he has felt when the gnosia has stuffed his head with all these ideas? The moon, which was once his closest confidant, suddenly feels more sinister. Perhaps that is why he doesn’t bask in its light anymore.

And yet, the moon is still beautiful. Ryoji could not help but to continue gazing at it, his conflicting emotions hardly a blemish on its enigmatic surface.]

iv. wildcard!
[Feel free to approach Ryoji in any other way!]

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[But while his mood has been lifted, Ryoji remains to possess a contemplative look upon him.]

Is that what you yearn for, then? To be in control of the death you face?

...Are you afraid of dying alone, Fandaniel-san?

[Fandaniel regards Ryoji with a wide-eyed blink and tilts his head.]

My! You are a perceptive lad, aren't you?

[With a heavy sigh, he reaches up to tap his check, thinking about how to answer the question.]

While death here is an impermanent thing I would prefer to meet a demise of my choosing. My death, my first death, on this star must be nothing short of a grandiose show stopper! Or, if not that, it must at least make for an amusing headline.

And there is, I suppose, comfort in not dying alone. Nobody wants to feel that they are leaving loved ones behind after all.

[That is said with the flash of a smile. It is also a lie. He doesn't want to die alone because he wants every other living thing to die alongside him. Everyone on Etheirys he's sure must be dead right now, but he remains alive in Expiation. If he can die here and take everyone with him it would make an excellent finale for his magnum opus... but it has to be done right.

The potential destruction of the AI concerns him. If the Chosen have bodies outside the simulation, the AI might also maintain them there. Destroying it could kill them all but they would die comatose, fading in their sleep, withering away like plucked blossoms left forgotten. Where is the theater in that? They deserve a more spectacular fate.]

[Whether that's the truth or not there's no reason for Ryoji to doubt his words. Even though he's undoubtedly a villain, but that is just how he is: someone who cannot fathom the depths of despair one would feel in order to destroy literally everything there is.]

I'm not sure what kind of end would qualify as a "grandiose show stopper", but if that is your wish...When your time comes, I promise that I'll be for you.

[The words themselves are morbid enough, but coming from here it is said with altruistic sincerity.

~~Such a task is not so hard for an avatar of death, after all.~~]

Well, aren't you sweet?

[Fandaniel reaches out to ruffle Ryoji's hair.]

Offering to be at my side and usher me off this mortal coil when my grisly end finally comes!

[He has no idea that Ryoji might literally be there to do just that.]

[It's as if a spell was broken, and Ryoji looks very much like the teenager he wants to be. Cheeks are reddened in startled embarrassment - not exactly because he dislikes his hair being ruffled (he's fine with it), but the fact that he never expected such a gesture from Fandaniel.]

It's not like I can stop death from happening, but it doesn't have to be a lamentable occasion, either. If a friend's presence would comfort you in your last moments, then of course I would be willing to help out!

Oh, your company shall be very soothing to my poor heart. I hope others will gather around me as well!

[Nearly everyone, in fact. Preferably while screaming and going up in flames.]

Leave me not alone in my final moments.

[A soft giggle rattles from his throat.]

...I must say, you think about death quite a lot! Are your thoughts often morbid or does my miserable presence have that effect on you?

Hmm...Now that you mention it, I guess I do.

[The fact that none of his friends pointed this out before says a lot about the company he keeps.]

I don't really see the topic to be miserable or morbid. Death is just a natural part of our lives, much like eating or breathing. Why shy away from the topic?

[Still, it's not like he talks about death all the time...right? But it's hard to connect to Fandaniel in other ways. Maybe he should ask him what kind of cafes he likes visiting?]

We can always talk about other things if it bothers you!

Oh, I don't mind it.

[He flaps a hand at Ryoji in a dismissive gesture.]

I mean honestly, what else would we talk about? Unless... is there some topic in particular you'd like to discuss?

[Now that's a curious question indeed: come to think of it, all of their conversations often revolved around death or other serious matters, huh? Perhaps Ryoji is partially to blame, seeing as he's making assumptions from how they first met.

There's also that question and answer they were forced upon, but those topics are of a similar nature...]

Oh, I know!

[Ryoji responds with a wide grin.]

What's your favorite flower?

My favorite flower?

[There's an unexpected question.

Visions of a glowing white blossom flash through his mind and fill his heart with contempt. He knows what his least favorite flower is...]

Hm!

Oleander, I think. Cute but deadly like yours truly!

[It's a random question really, the type of things Ryoji asks out on his dates. But the response he gets illicit a chuckle from him, a far cry from his somber mood.]

Not sure if describe you as cute, but the fact that you do is quite adorable.

[A quick search on the tablet helps him look up what the flower looks like, and he must admit: it truly is a beautiful flower. He wouldn't have known it was poisonous if Fandaniel did not warn him before.]

Call it a cliche if you must, but I think cherry blossoms are my favorite. I...I haven't seen them in person before, but I think I would love to experience spring someday.

You....do not agree that I am cute?

[Fandaniel throws his head back and lifts his knuckles to his brow.]

Oh! I am wounded! How my poor heart breaks!

[He faints backward and for a long time, he just lies there like a heartbroken maiden from a cliche children's fairy tale. Then, finally he sits up again.]

Ah well. So it goes.

...Have you truly never seen a springtime? A lad your age?

[It should be alright to tell Fandaniel...right?

Ryoji closes his eyes, a sad smile gracing his features.]

I haven't been human before November. And when I first got here, it was already summer.

[Fandaniel tilts his head. Beneath his hood, his eyes sparkle as he looks Ryoji over with renewed interest. ]

You weren't?

What were you, then?

[Ryoji's fingers clench against each other. He feels like the pin about to drop in a silent room.]

...Death. Or at least, an avatar of it.

[There's a long pause as Fandaniel waits for the "just kidding!"

When it doesn't come he hunches forward slightly and studies Ryoji's face.]

Oh my! That wasn't a joke, was it?

I would like to choose better jokes if I'm telling them, Fandaniel-san.

[He's almost insulted, even. But that's just how his companion is, covering his true feelings as if everything was but a performance or a joke.]

I can't transform into that if that's what you're asking. I don't remember how. [Nor does he want to.] But the way I killed those people...the powers I used. It is the reason why I was capable of such things.

I see...

[He looks up toward the sky and hums thoughtfully.]

I must say, it does rather explain a few things.

[Normally, Fandaniel could never see himself forming a bond with anyone, let alone a teenager... But a teenager who happens to be Death itself?

Death has been the one constant in the Ascian's long existence. It's the only true thing in the universe.]

So, what does being Death, or an avatar thereof, entail?

[Now this is where Ryoji falters - he was willing to tell this much to Fandaniel, but what about everything else? He doesn't want to say that he only knows this much because of Kotone, and he didn't want to dwell much on the details.

It's still a part of himself that he tries so hard to reject.]

What does Death bring to all living things, Fandaniel-san? [Ryoji never thought he could make such an ugly smile.] I was born to bring forth the end of a world - my world.

All living things must come to an end, but it is but part of a cycle. From death springs forth new life. But what I was meant to do is to call forth oblivion.

[That is where his eyes take upon an unnatural blue glow at he looks back at Fandaniel. He doesn't know the particulars, but he knows enough of what he desires. That is enough for him to look back with determination.]

But I don't want to. Never want to.

Never at all?

[Fandaniel glances back to Ryoji's face and the blue glow in his eyes. They are not the eyes of a teenager but of something unspeakably ancient.

The Ascian remains unflinching beneath that gaze, though some of the jester-like humor leaves his face.]

It is not an easy thing, calling upon oblivion. But it may be the kinder answer to the question.

Living beings are born, they suffer, they torment and murder others. On the whole, life is filled with such wickedness, such pain... So, perhaps 'tis better to end the cycle. To never be born at all.

[He looks away and stretches his arms over his head until he feels a satisfying pop in his shoulders.]

Besides...

All the accomplishments and fleeting kindnesses in the world are, in time, rendered meaningless by death's inevitability. So ending it all is just bringing the final act to the stage a bit early.

Oh, it is easy enough. [And there is confidence behind those facts, as grim as they might be.] It is as easy as snapping one's fingers. Nobody would even feel a thing.

But the thing is, one must never look at the destination to be one sole's purpose. All flowers must die, but they need to bloom first. Life in itself is already a miracle. The fact that I can even experience all of this as a normal human is a miracle.

[Ryoji has always been a kind person. Even now, he wants to change Fandaniel's outlook on his life. That is why he stays.]

Perhaps everything is meant to be rendered meaningless, but the fact that exists at all is beautiful in itself.

[Fandaniel regards Ryoji with a slow blink. There are many witty remarks he wants to say in response but somehow they all ring hollow when sitting in the presence of Death.

For now, at least, the mad jester's mask slips slightly revealing the tired, depressed man beneath.]

Ah...

The problem, you see... Is that the destination is the only sweetness there is. The best thing about life is that it ends. The journey itself is fraught with...

[He waves a hand around in a vague gesture.]

I've lived a long time, you understand. I've been dragged through the blackest depths of despair and therein learned the truth: To live is to suffer. So why live at all?

Life is not a miracle, 'tis a curse.

[A beat, then he blows out a humorless bark of laughter.]

Ha!

And here we are, talking about death once more!

I guess we just can't help ourselves? We're just too interlinked to the concept.

[His smile is tiny compared to Fandaniel's grand gestures, but his is less hollow.]

So that is why you tire of life - immortality is a curse in itself. To keep on going while others leave. To find yourself alone in the world.

[He nods in understanding. Whatever Fandaniel's true intentions may be, Ryoji still desires to believe the best in him.]

Then my promise still stands. When your death comes, I shall be by your side. But I don't think it is your time yet. Not when our deaths aren't permanent here, and not when you still think that life is only suffering.

[This is all strange to Ryoji: he is not acting like himself, and yet he also is. As if he is speaking from something unknowable and ancient that dwells within. But despite his other experiences in feeling inhuman, this feels different. This is the first time he feels more comfortable in this new old skin.]

Are you intent on guiding me to the light, then? Of showing me that life is beautiful?

...I did not come to my answer easily. Long did I search for meaning in my, and everyone else's, shared miserable existence. I never found it.

[And somewhere deep down, in a part of himself he is too stubborn to explore, is a fading spark still clinging to hope. That spark wants to be proven wrong.]

You are right about one thing, however...

Immortality is a curse. As is a star with impermanent death.

Death is respite for the soul. When a soul cannot move on, and its despair continues to grow, life is little more than a prison.

[Now he smiles, some of the jester returning to his features.]

And a decent reaper would grant souls that everlasting rest, wouldn't he? Bring your oblivion. Set us free.

Have you truly searched for it, or were you running away from a conclusion that is different from what you expected?

[The words are so unnaturally blunt coming from the usually cheerful boy, as if something is slowly unravelling.]

Death may be the peaceful sleep that will one day some to all. But that doesn't mean I should steal away life from those who have yet to find their answer. And you have yet to find your answer, Fandaniel-san.

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