望月 綾時 ☾ mochizuki ryoji. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
luneminary) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
expiationlogs2024-09-21 05:41 pm
luneminary) wrote in expiationlogs2024-09-21 05:41 pm
( open/catch-all ) what comes after the rain?
Who: Ryoji...and you!
Where: Various locations in Aldrip.
What: September catch-all, aka Ryoji's No Good Very bad Month(s)
Warnings: Discussions of Bad Things That Happened in the gnosia event, such as violence and death-related warnings.
i. ...everything begins in silence
[Were one to find Ryoji, they would be perplexed to see him like this: sullen and melancholic, shoulders drooping by his lonesome. Even strangers would find it out of place, when joyful smiles seem to be his natural expression. His mood does not match the brightness of his scarf, a yellow fabric fraying at the edges. It’s in a better condition than he thought it would be, considering his prior death, but it is clear that it too has been through a lot.
Were one to find Ryoji — well, that means he’s doing a poor job of isolating himself, actually. It’s why he hasn’t been around his usual haunts, like the club building or the inn or any of the usual public spaces. As much as he loves humans and company, he prefers to dwell by his lonesome. He doesn’t want anyone see him like this, let alone burden anybody else by his troubles.
A shame that he couldn’t just disappear: not even death would give him that comfort. He doesn’t feel like staying by his residence either, not when too many of his friends know where he lives. It is only inevitable that one would stumble upon him in the lesser travelled spaces: small spaces, quiet corners, or even by the edge of the city.]
ii. face the sun, with —
[But one cannot sulk forever, no matter how much Ryoji wants for time to stop. And he knows, deep down, that he is merely delaying the inevitable.
Mustering his courage is the easy part — figuring out how to atone for his crimes is another. After all, what he has done is considered to be unforgivable, regardless of whether they were all revived from death or not. Still, he does want to do something, such that he can move forward.
He has learned that in Japan, one expresses the depths of their guilt by how deeply one bows to the bereaved. The lowest one can do is to have your forehead touch the floor — but at that point, wouldn’t he just embarrass the other? He’s here to apologize, not to make himself feel better with grand dramatic gestures.
He opts for a bow that reaches ninety degrees instead.]
I’m really, really sorry! I don’t know how to make it up to you, but I’ll find a way!
iii. tender is the night.
[In here, the moon is always full.
It is a fact that Ryoji was delighted to hear. Of all the faces that the celestial object could wear, it is what he considers to be the most beautiful. A soft glow that illuminates the night, revealing all the beauty that lies underneath. That is why Ryoji has come to love going on walks out at night, if only he could admire it a little bit longer.
And yet, this peace has also given him some discomfort: isn’t this serenity similar to what he has felt when the gnosia has stuffed his head with all these ideas? The moon, which was once his closest confidant, suddenly feels more sinister. Perhaps that is why he doesn’t bask in its light anymore.
And yet, the moon is still beautiful. Ryoji could not help but to continue gazing at it, his conflicting emotions hardly a blemish on its enigmatic surface.]
iv. wildcard!
[Feel free to approach Ryoji in any other way!]
Where: Various locations in Aldrip.
What: September catch-all, aka Ryoji's No Good Very bad Month(s)
Warnings: Discussions of Bad Things That Happened in the gnosia event, such as violence and death-related warnings.
i. ...everything begins in silence
[Were one to find Ryoji, they would be perplexed to see him like this: sullen and melancholic, shoulders drooping by his lonesome. Even strangers would find it out of place, when joyful smiles seem to be his natural expression. His mood does not match the brightness of his scarf, a yellow fabric fraying at the edges. It’s in a better condition than he thought it would be, considering his prior death, but it is clear that it too has been through a lot.
Were one to find Ryoji — well, that means he’s doing a poor job of isolating himself, actually. It’s why he hasn’t been around his usual haunts, like the club building or the inn or any of the usual public spaces. As much as he loves humans and company, he prefers to dwell by his lonesome. He doesn’t want anyone see him like this, let alone burden anybody else by his troubles.
A shame that he couldn’t just disappear: not even death would give him that comfort. He doesn’t feel like staying by his residence either, not when too many of his friends know where he lives. It is only inevitable that one would stumble upon him in the lesser travelled spaces: small spaces, quiet corners, or even by the edge of the city.]
ii. face the sun, with —
[But one cannot sulk forever, no matter how much Ryoji wants for time to stop. And he knows, deep down, that he is merely delaying the inevitable.
Mustering his courage is the easy part — figuring out how to atone for his crimes is another. After all, what he has done is considered to be unforgivable, regardless of whether they were all revived from death or not. Still, he does want to do something, such that he can move forward.
He has learned that in Japan, one expresses the depths of their guilt by how deeply one bows to the bereaved. The lowest one can do is to have your forehead touch the floor — but at that point, wouldn’t he just embarrass the other? He’s here to apologize, not to make himself feel better with grand dramatic gestures.
He opts for a bow that reaches ninety degrees instead.]
I’m really, really sorry! I don’t know how to make it up to you, but I’ll find a way!
iii. tender is the night.
[In here, the moon is always full.
It is a fact that Ryoji was delighted to hear. Of all the faces that the celestial object could wear, it is what he considers to be the most beautiful. A soft glow that illuminates the night, revealing all the beauty that lies underneath. That is why Ryoji has come to love going on walks out at night, if only he could admire it a little bit longer.
And yet, this peace has also given him some discomfort: isn’t this serenity similar to what he has felt when the gnosia has stuffed his head with all these ideas? The moon, which was once his closest confidant, suddenly feels more sinister. Perhaps that is why he doesn’t bask in its light anymore.
And yet, the moon is still beautiful. Ryoji could not help but to continue gazing at it, his conflicting emotions hardly a blemish on its enigmatic surface.]
iv. wildcard!
[Feel free to approach Ryoji in any other way!]
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...Death. Or at least, an avatar of it.
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When it doesn't come he hunches forward slightly and studies Ryoji's face.]
Oh my! That wasn't a joke, was it?
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[He's almost insulted, even. But that's just how his companion is, covering his true feelings as if everything was but a performance or a joke.]
I can't transform into that if that's what you're asking. I don't remember how. [Nor does he want to.] But the way I killed those people...the powers I used. It is the reason why I was capable of such things.
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[He looks up toward the sky and hums thoughtfully.]
I must say, it does rather explain a few things.
[Normally, Fandaniel could never see himself forming a bond with anyone, let alone a teenager... But a teenager who happens to be Death itself?
Death has been the one constant in the Ascian's long existence. It's the only true thing in the universe.]
So, what does being Death, or an avatar thereof, entail?
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It's still a part of himself that he tries so hard to reject.]
What does Death bring to all living things, Fandaniel-san? [Ryoji never thought he could make such an ugly smile.] I was born to bring forth the end of a world - my world.
All living things must come to an end, but it is but part of a cycle. From death springs forth new life. But what I was meant to do is to call forth oblivion.
[That is where his eyes take upon an unnatural blue glow at he looks back at Fandaniel. He doesn't know the particulars, but he knows enough of what he desires. That is enough for him to look back with determination.]
But I don't want to. Never want to.
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[Fandaniel glances back to Ryoji's face and the blue glow in his eyes. They are not the eyes of a teenager but of something unspeakably ancient.
The Ascian remains unflinching beneath that gaze, though some of the jester-like humor leaves his face.]
It is not an easy thing, calling upon oblivion. But it may be the kinder answer to the question.
Living beings are born, they suffer, they torment and murder others. On the whole, life is filled with such wickedness, such pain... So, perhaps 'tis better to end the cycle. To never be born at all.
[He looks away and stretches his arms over his head until he feels a satisfying pop in his shoulders.]
Besides...
All the accomplishments and fleeting kindnesses in the world are, in time, rendered meaningless by death's inevitability. So ending it all is just bringing the final act to the stage a bit early.
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But the thing is, one must never look at the destination to be one sole's purpose. All flowers must die, but they need to bloom first. Life in itself is already a miracle. The fact that I can even experience all of this as a normal human is a miracle.
[Ryoji has always been a kind person. Even now, he wants to change Fandaniel's outlook on his life. That is why he stays.]
Perhaps everything is meant to be rendered meaningless, but the fact that exists at all is beautiful in itself.
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For now, at least, the mad jester's mask slips slightly revealing the tired, depressed man beneath.]
Ah...
The problem, you see... Is that the destination is the only sweetness there is. The best thing about life is that it ends. The journey itself is fraught with...
[He waves a hand around in a vague gesture.]
I've lived a long time, you understand. I've been dragged through the blackest depths of despair and therein learned the truth: To live is to suffer. So why live at all?
Life is not a miracle, 'tis a curse.
[A beat, then he blows out a humorless bark of laughter.]
Ha!
And here we are, talking about death once more!
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[His smile is tiny compared to Fandaniel's grand gestures, but his is less hollow.]
So that is why you tire of life - immortality is a curse in itself. To keep on going while others leave. To find yourself alone in the world.
[He nods in understanding. Whatever Fandaniel's true intentions may be, Ryoji still desires to believe the best in him.]
Then my promise still stands. When your death comes, I shall be by your side. But I don't think it is your time yet. Not when our deaths aren't permanent here, and not when you still think that life is only suffering.
[This is all strange to Ryoji: he is not acting like himself, and yet he also is. As if he is speaking from something unknowable and ancient that dwells within. But despite his other experiences in feeling inhuman, this feels different. This is the first time he feels more comfortable in this new old skin.]
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...I did not come to my answer easily. Long did I search for meaning in my, and everyone else's, shared miserable existence. I never found it.
[And somewhere deep down, in a part of himself he is too stubborn to explore, is a fading spark still clinging to hope. That spark wants to be proven wrong.]
You are right about one thing, however...
Immortality is a curse. As is a star with impermanent death.
Death is respite for the soul. When a soul cannot move on, and its despair continues to grow, life is little more than a prison.
[Now he smiles, some of the jester returning to his features.]
And a decent reaper would grant souls that everlasting rest, wouldn't he? Bring your oblivion. Set us free.
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[The words are so unnaturally blunt coming from the usually cheerful boy, as if something is slowly unravelling.]
Death may be the peaceful sleep that will one day some to all. But that doesn't mean I should steal away life from those who have yet to find their answer. And you have yet to find your answer, Fandaniel-san.
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If there is truly nothing left for you here, then why would you come by and offer me comfort in the first place?
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Joy is only fleeting but despair, like him, is immortal.
He bares his teeth slightly...
Then, suddenly, a cloud over them seems to burst. Death is a teenager again and Fandaniel chuckles. The jester's mask slips back into place.]
Why, because misery loves company of course!
[He claps Ryoji on the back, maybe slightly too hard.]
There is some comfort in that, I suppose.
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He, an ancient being who discovers the joy of life through newfound mortality. Him, who sinks into despair because of growing immortality.
But he has faith, no matter how hard those fingers dig through his shoulder. He looks back, fearless against that gaze.]
Exactly. Because we humans cannot live on our own.
['He', he says. As if one isn't an Ascian and the other an avatar of Death.]
You're still my friend, Fandaniel-san. I think you could use one who might steer you to finding a miracle.
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[Or hyuran.]
Not I, at least. I am not one now, nor was I in the halcyon days of my mortality.
What I am is...
[Honestly, he thinks to himself, who in the Seven Hells even knows anymore?]
...A dusty old wizard. One whose rotten heart is long past saving...
[After saying this a mischievous spark lights up in his eyes.]
But do try to save me. I admit, I am deathly curious how you would attempt such a feat.
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[The realization comes to him as a soft surprise, the moment those words leave his lips.
Perhaps a god of death is capable of kindness, too.]
I am a that shouldn't have existed, and yet here I am. I don't think you're long past saving at all, Fandaniel-san.
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...You shouldn't have existed?
You are Death, yes? The only true thing in the universe.
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[He smiles as he spreads his palm over his heart.]
No matter what, I don't regret being able to talk and share my feelings with humans like this.
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About that!
How did that happen?
[With his free hand he gestures broadly at Ryoji.]
How did you take this form?
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[He didn't ask Kotone for the details, naturally. He didn't want to dwell in on the subject as much as possible.]
I'm not sure. It just happened - it wasn't even something that was meant to happen.
[Almost like a glitch in the code, really.]
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[The Ascian's eyes sparkle.]
'Tis remarkable, if your tale is true.
I wonder if you were summoned, perhaps...?
fandaniel has no idea how right he is
Perhaps I was? That would explain my lack of memories before I transferred in school.
But that means someone summoned me.
ff14 logic applies to another canon kinda yet again!
[Moreso since the Ascians purposefully muddied how it worked.]
It may not have been one someone who brought you into being, but many. You may have even summoned yourself if your desire to walk among mankind was strong enough.
...Where I am from all it takes is enough aether, and enough want and belief to form the summoned entity.
I know not if aether exists on your star, but there may be something comparable.
[As he says this, he sounds wistful.
Thousands of years ago he'd looked to the stars, yearning to know who lived among them and what gave them purpose. No matter how many times he checked on the Hyperstellar Downconverter, the stars remained silent. His pleas and questions were unanswered.
Now, here, he is meeting people from worlds he can barely imagine. It's been fascinating. If he had any shred of hope left in his ancient heart he'd hope to find someone who could answer his question. Unfortunately, he doesn't.]
Was there anyone back home who seemed the sort to wish, very intensely, for your presence?
as a smn main this is tickling me ngl.
...He doesn't like the idea that someone would wish for Death so fervently he would take on a physical form into this world, either. What kind of awful circumstances would cause one to desire such a thing?
Then again -]
Don't you wish for your own death, Fandaniel-san? I wouldn't be surprised if someone like you also existed in my world. But I don't know who would want 'Ryoji Mochizuki.' Nobody knew me when I first showed up.
[Kotone comes into mind - someone who is familiar and yet unfamiliar to him. Did she summon him? He doesn't want to suspect her, not when she has always been his closest confidant, but it is the only conclusion that he could think of.]
...There might be someone, but she never knew me before. I'm not so sure.
[Sure enough, as testament that he isn't a normal teenager, Ryoji isn't having any problems wrapping his head around all of these esoteric concepts. He's always been a sponge when it comes to new things, after all.]
I don't know how magic works in my world. I...think it exists? What I can do is clearly that. But I don't know if anyone there can actually use magic -
[Wait. There is someone! Ryoji's eyes widen in realization.]
Koromaru-san! Minato's dog can use magic!
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[Fandaniel cackles and slaps his knee.]
Well, there you have it!
A dog summoned you.
[It's tempting to leave it at that, deliciously absurdity, but curiosity drives him to move the conversation forward.]
It could have been anyone. This someone who did not know you, or a theoretical soul like myself.
In truth, the summoner does not always know that they are summoning. If a village is under assault, for example, its people may pray and yearn for a valiant protector and, lo, aether forms into a heroic deity, shaped by their earnest longing. All without them knowing.
This mysterious friend of yours may have felt anxious about death and in her desire to know it better, brought you--this you--into being.
[After saying this he watches Ryoji closely. The boy's calm reactions do seem to further prove his claim of being an avatar. Typical mortals are not hard to drive into a state of existential crisis. Fandaniel's already caused a few such crises in people just by talking to them about much more mundane topics.]
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