expiationlogs | (closed) how the most dangerous thing is to love

i wanna talk to you. would you see me?

I dont want to hear I told you so

but i haven't told you shit.

not YET

i wasnt gonna say shit. only in my head.

i didnt come to talk to you so far because i didnt want to come and see you before yuchin n i were better. it isn't cuz i dont care about u or some other crazy shit u probably think cuz u weird

that said if there's anyone who knows what you feel, that person is me. im here to help and check on u not tell u i told u whatever the fuck i ain't even say.

Edited 2024-08-03 00:12 (UTC)

i wasnt thinking any crazy shit i didnt want to see you either

[there's a long silence, and his chest squeezes. the things he'd thought and done... while dying had been traumatizing enough, this was somehow worse. attempting -- and succeeding, in one case -- was even worse than dying.]

im just really tired, mikey.

i know. im bringing u food.

we dont have to talk. i just want to be close.

why?

[he still doesn't really understand it.]

because this sucks, and you need someone to tell you you'll live.

i know i will. i've died too here.

[and he lived through that, too.]

but you've never tried taking one before.

come on. open the door.

[Mikey's going to be stubborn about this, isn't he?

instead of complaining further, Yosuke is going to go and open the door to let Mikey in.]

... Hey.

[he sounds a little quieter than usual]

Sorry I was a bitch. I was trying to get you out of the house so we could get the Gnosia out of you. Here, it's... Sweets, I guess.

(an assertion of pastries, because it'd make mikey happy, so, it's a nice symbol, isn't it?

he'll let himself in, sitting on the closest surface.)

It's fine. I know what you were doing after thinking about it.

[and it's not like he'd fight Mikey over Yu. he and Yu had already discussed it, and it was supposed to be a nonissue.

but the rage he'd felt, looking at Mikey in the face...

he sets the basket down and picks up a pastry, not sure it he had the appetite for it right now or not.]

I'm sorry I attacked you.

You don't have to apologize, not to me, at least. It's not something I haven't done before.

(which is the elephant in the room, isn't it?)

Me telling you it wasn't you doesn't make it any less real, and it doesn't make it go away, even if it's true. I'll tell you honestly that all you can do is move forward.

[there's a long silence, and Yosuke sighs quietly.]

I know.

[Mikey really isn't telling him anything he doesn't already know.]

I just feel like I've been put through a meat grinder anyway.

I know. It'll pass. You're okay.

(it's all he can really do, after all. to show that it will not define him, because he can look right in front of him, can't he?

it's gentle, how he approaches, brings his lips to press against yosuke's forehead.)

I got through it, you will too.

[oh.

Yosuke freezes for a moment. manjiro sano, right here and right now... kissing him on the forehead like this? not judging him for almost doing what he'd done a few months ago?

Yosuke's eyes start to burn. his head had filled with all these "I told you so" sort of scenarios from Mikey, and yet... here he is. being sweet. being supportive.

he really doesn't want Mikey to see his eyes swimming with tears, so instead he's going to lean forward and rest his head on him.]

Thanks.

[try as he might to not show it, the squeak in Yosuke's voice confirms that he is actually getting emotional.]

(the feeling of being vindicated is definitely there, a little warm feeling that he isn't the only one who fucked up, but that one can stay with him, at least for now. he's not that great with this, he isn't yu, he doesn't know what yosuke needs - it's still something he's figuring out.

that squeak is both expected, but unwelcome in the sense that it freezes manjiro in place for a few seconds before he puts a hand on yosuke's hair. a gentle run against it, an attempt to soothe, followed by a pat to his back.)

He won't hate you, you know. You might hate yourself, for a while or forever, but if you can understand you couldn't have stopped it on your own, it'll ease up. I can promise that.

[he kind of feels bad when he feels Mikey freeze underneath him. but he just... he needs people to lean on. he's so, so incredibly tired that he just can't stand it.

his voice sounds a little more firm when he speaks up this time:]

I know. No matter how much we fuck up, I don't think he'd be able to hate either one of us.

[honestly, Yu's too good for them. too understanding and easy to forgive.

Yosuke hates how it doesn't come as naturally to him, though.]

... Do you still hate me?

(because if that's the case, mikey can just stay here until yu arrives. he doesn't need to be here if yosuke doesn't want him here - the leaning, the fact he accepted the kiss, they seem positive, but who knows. maybe there's something he's still missing from this interaction.)

[there's a long silence again.

he considers it.]

I'm too tired to hate anyone but myself.

[it might be a bit of a dance around the question, but he's not too sure how he feels about anything right now.]

Besides, I'd be a hypocrite if I did.

[considering that a similar thing had happened to him..]

That's not what I asked. You can do both.

(hate him for doing what he attempted - it's not logical, but people are complex. the same way manjiro could hate someone, he could forgive another who's done the same. he is one, after all.)

... I'm asking, so I can leave if you don't want me around still.

I can't.

[and besides... he doesn't want to be alone. the fact that he'd leaned on Mikey so easily alone lets himself know he doesn't want to be alone.

that he can't be alone right now.]

Don't leave. I'm... sorry for being mad at you.

... I don't need an apology. I've done worse, and what matters is how we rebuild it.

(the approach he's using with yu, certainly.

fine, he won't leave. instead, he sits next to yosuke, an arm wrapping around him so he can rest against his shoulder.)

Come here, you dumbass.

(closed) how the most dangerous thing is to love

to yosuke - after

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