expiationlogs | (closed) how the most dangerous thing is to love

Sorry I was a bitch. I was trying to get you out of the house so we could get the Gnosia out of you. Here, it's... Sweets, I guess.

(an assertion of pastries, because it'd make mikey happy, so, it's a nice symbol, isn't it?

he'll let himself in, sitting on the closest surface.)

It's fine. I know what you were doing after thinking about it.

[and it's not like he'd fight Mikey over Yu. he and Yu had already discussed it, and it was supposed to be a nonissue.

but the rage he'd felt, looking at Mikey in the face...

he sets the basket down and picks up a pastry, not sure it he had the appetite for it right now or not.]

I'm sorry I attacked you.

You don't have to apologize, not to me, at least. It's not something I haven't done before.

(which is the elephant in the room, isn't it?)

Me telling you it wasn't you doesn't make it any less real, and it doesn't make it go away, even if it's true. I'll tell you honestly that all you can do is move forward.

[there's a long silence, and Yosuke sighs quietly.]

I know.

[Mikey really isn't telling him anything he doesn't already know.]

I just feel like I've been put through a meat grinder anyway.

I know. It'll pass. You're okay.

(it's all he can really do, after all. to show that it will not define him, because he can look right in front of him, can't he?

it's gentle, how he approaches, brings his lips to press against yosuke's forehead.)

I got through it, you will too.

[oh.

Yosuke freezes for a moment. manjiro sano, right here and right now... kissing him on the forehead like this? not judging him for almost doing what he'd done a few months ago?

Yosuke's eyes start to burn. his head had filled with all these "I told you so" sort of scenarios from Mikey, and yet... here he is. being sweet. being supportive.

he really doesn't want Mikey to see his eyes swimming with tears, so instead he's going to lean forward and rest his head on him.]

Thanks.

[try as he might to not show it, the squeak in Yosuke's voice confirms that he is actually getting emotional.]

(the feeling of being vindicated is definitely there, a little warm feeling that he isn't the only one who fucked up, but that one can stay with him, at least for now. he's not that great with this, he isn't yu, he doesn't know what yosuke needs - it's still something he's figuring out.

that squeak is both expected, but unwelcome in the sense that it freezes manjiro in place for a few seconds before he puts a hand on yosuke's hair. a gentle run against it, an attempt to soothe, followed by a pat to his back.)

He won't hate you, you know. You might hate yourself, for a while or forever, but if you can understand you couldn't have stopped it on your own, it'll ease up. I can promise that.

[he kind of feels bad when he feels Mikey freeze underneath him. but he just... he needs people to lean on. he's so, so incredibly tired that he just can't stand it.

his voice sounds a little more firm when he speaks up this time:]

I know. No matter how much we fuck up, I don't think he'd be able to hate either one of us.

[honestly, Yu's too good for them. too understanding and easy to forgive.

Yosuke hates how it doesn't come as naturally to him, though.]

... Do you still hate me?

(because if that's the case, mikey can just stay here until yu arrives. he doesn't need to be here if yosuke doesn't want him here - the leaning, the fact he accepted the kiss, they seem positive, but who knows. maybe there's something he's still missing from this interaction.)

[there's a long silence again.

he considers it.]

I'm too tired to hate anyone but myself.

[it might be a bit of a dance around the question, but he's not too sure how he feels about anything right now.]

Besides, I'd be a hypocrite if I did.

[considering that a similar thing had happened to him..]

That's not what I asked. You can do both.

(hate him for doing what he attempted - it's not logical, but people are complex. the same way manjiro could hate someone, he could forgive another who's done the same. he is one, after all.)

... I'm asking, so I can leave if you don't want me around still.

I can't.

[and besides... he doesn't want to be alone. the fact that he'd leaned on Mikey so easily alone lets himself know he doesn't want to be alone.

that he can't be alone right now.]

Don't leave. I'm... sorry for being mad at you.

... I don't need an apology. I've done worse, and what matters is how we rebuild it.

(the approach he's using with yu, certainly.

fine, he won't leave. instead, he sits next to yosuke, an arm wrapping around him so he can rest against his shoulder.)

Come here, you dumbass.

[he never really thought he'd be looking for comfort from Mikey of all people. he thinks it's kind of odd as he rests his head against his shoulder, though not unwelcome. even though he'd killed Yu... now he realizes what that's like. to completely lose control. even Yosuke had wanted to fight him.

and he'd never actually seriously fight Yu.

and somehow... Yu has forgiven them both.]

Is this as weird for you as it is for me?

[it's a little bit of a joke. because even if they'd fooled around before, it's not like there were strong feelings behind it. hell, Mikey didn't even like Yosuke half the time.]

... No. I kinda missed it.

(which is weird to say, considering the fact they constantly butt heads, never on the same page about anything that isn't yu. his hand moves to caress some of that hair, sighing in some relief.

don't ask him too much.)

[there's a long silence, and Yosuke just feels the rise and fall of Mikey's body as he breathes for a minute. he had never really spent enough time unpacking all the feelings he had for Mikey -- probably a little bit more fear than anything else. and even if they had grumped with each other... there had been a part of Yosuke that had missed the little dickhead too.

it was just overwhelmed with everything else.]

You missed me? [there's a knot in his chest, and he meant to sound more incredulous about it. but instead... there's a little bit of hope.

to cover that up, he smiles weakly and replies:] It was weird, not being in the dojo after a while.

[his own roundabout saying that he missed Mikey, too.]

Are we seriously going to play chicken again until you kiss me to let me know you missed me too, or can we just skip to that part?

(both of them are so stubborn, aren't they? difficult people, who both want to be close, but can't spend this time without making it challenging for the other. it's always been their pattern.

roundabouts, excuses, bickering. even now, as manjiro has him in embrace, they're still playing their weird little chasing game. manjiro's changed in many ways, after all the time he spent at home, it'd be strange if he hadn't, and in many ways, he remained the same. the bluntness never left him.)

I did miss you, idiot.

Hmph.

[there's a bit of a scoff, and Yosuke starts to sound a bit more like his normal self. as if falling back into the pattern of bickering with Mikey is bringing something back -- making him think less about the events of the past couple of weeks.]

You think I'm going to be that romantic with you or something?

[he looks up at Mikey now.]

I'm going to call you an asshole instead.

[and then he's going to try to kiss him. LMFAO.]

(he could laugh, because yosuke and him in any type of romantic situation would fit poorly. he didn't want any, but man, he missed touch, and he craved for something familiar, something that made his heart, as much as he would love to claim otherwise, beat faster.

whether yosuke was baited or he was doing it because he actually wanted to, either way, it feels ridiculously good to press his lips against the other's, a hand curling around the edge of yosuke's shirt as a silent request for him to come closer, to pull manjiro right back as he's being pulled.)

[Yosuke does come closer, and also grabs Mikey by his own shirt to pull him closer. not only was he craving his own bit of touch... but he also desperately wanted to blow off steam and get his mind off of things. Mikey's a good distraction. he's always a good distraction.

he'll sort out feelings later.

he deepens the kiss now, tilting his head as he does so, feeling his own heartbeat start to race as he does it.]

(closed) how the most dangerous thing is to love

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