expiationlogs | All my reasons cut like knives (Open)

Entry tags:

All my reasons cut like knives (Open)

Who: Silco
Where: Multiple Locations around Aldrip
What: A nightmare-induced jaunt through the streets of Aldrip thanks to recent events from the Tower.
Warnings: PTSD, anxiety, mention of strangulation

i. On the run
It was the same reoccurring nightmare which stole any restfulness away from him. Even as he sat bolt upright, the images clouded his vision and his breath caught in this throat without anywhere to go but choke him. Suddenly, his silk tie was too tight, feeling like the slow pressure of fingers closing around his throat, and his fingers tore at the material in an uncharacteristic panic.

His vest felt too constricting, hugging his chest so that his ribs couldn’t expand. The illusion sensation of knees on his chest holding him down drew him from his seat and had him frantically removing the vest to fall on the floor next to white tie.

Logic had been overridden by a sense of internal alarm and panic, and Silco was opening a window to the office of the Last Drop. Within seconds of the cold night hair hitting him, he was out the window and scrambling down the two storeys to the ground; physicality was never his strong suit but he was a born and raised fissure folk and moving around – including up and down – was not actually difficult for him and the Lanes buildings were built with outcroppings.

He took off running the moment his socked feet touch the ground, sliding through the narrow alley and out on the streets. Chased by the nightmare, of the frantic old pain to just survive, he sprinted away with no mindful thoughts to combat the adrenaline as he tore through the streets and heading towards the edge of town.

He slipped across streets, jammed himself through almost impossibly narrow alleys and hopped fences. He was barefoot and disheveled within a few blocks, and his gaze was unfocused with a panicked need to flee as if he were being chased.

ii. Drop in the bucket
The salt in the air hung thick, and it was the only thing that stopped his careening mad panicked run but not until he felt the water roll over his bare cut up feet. He took a moment to draw a long shaky breath into his lungs, and almost mindlessly, Silco walked into the gently rolling waves while silhouetted by the moon hanging in the sky.

To his knees then his waist and out further until he was chest deep in the ocean, which took him quite far out given the gentle decline of the portion of beach he had ended up in. His fingers traced over the surface of the water as he bobbed before he simply sank under the surface and stayed there.

There was a comfort in the reminder of a place similar to this was where he had once let his weakness die, where he had stepped out from the shadow of someone he had once trusted. It was time to do that again, just basking in the embrace of the water even as his lungs began to burn from being submerged for minutes.

Have you had enough?

iii. Beach contemplations
He found himself sitting on the beach staring out at the waves gently lapping at the shore. Even with his legs drawn up towards his chest, the water still rolled over his feet. His forearms rested on his raised knees, fingers entwined together to keep them from potentially falling into motion. His soaked clothing clung to his frame, though it was starting to dry stiff from the salt of the water.

The moon hung low on the horizon, providing an indication of time having passed. It would be dawn within a few hours, and the reasonable part of his brain knew that he couldn’t be out here on the beach when the town began to come awake. This was not a scene he wanted to be caught staring at, not when there was the safety of any one of his businesses or the empty home waiting for him.

Slowly, he reached up and pushed drying stiff hair from falling his face then drew his fingers down over the yellowed bruises on his throat where he had been throttled. Like father, like daughter… it was a legacy he doubted Vander would want to be known for. The girl? He expected such a situation to go down as a point of pride; that was the differences of a generation.

And what would be his legacy? Zaun would survive, and that was enough. As for Aldrip? He was still building his legacy, but to what point and purpose? He knew why; his reasons had been lined up since he had arrived, and he knew they hadn’t changed. The question still lingered like a bitter pill to be swallowed.

He bowed his head towards his knees and sighed, lingering in the moment alone on the beach.

iv. Walk of shame
Well, now that that shameful incident was over, it was time to walk back home like some self-aware drunk knowing they had made a fool of themselves in public. As he had come with nothing more than his shirt and pants, Silco simply dusted off sand from his clothing and began to trek along the streets of Aldrip.

It was early enough in the morning that he knew few would be awake. So he took the most direct route towards his house. Within the first block, he began to leave faint bloodied footprints and his head was bowed down in an effort to ignore anyone who might actually be heading to their destination that may notice him in his current disheveled state.

"I’m not interested in escort."

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[He nodded his head, accepting that the zone of silence was over for the time being. It had not been an enjoyable month of daily debriefs of her activities while keeping his distance to respect her anger at him. He too had said he needed time after all, but this wasn't what he had had in mind.

He hadn't expected to go to the water either, but it seemed everyone was disappointed on some level with the overall situation.]

Or something?

[He was too tired and numb to read between the lines in the early hours of the morning, so he expected clarification was in order. A side comment, who knew. She was still a teenager and they tossed extra words in to draw things out and he found it didn't have to make sense to him for it to do so for them.]

Why would I punish you? [He stopped walking. It was probably mistake because it meant he'd have to get back in motion again.] In what world have I punished you aside from giving you structure and certain verbal restrictions?

[It wasn't his style with Jinx. She had been too traumatized for normal punishments, so he had had to be creative and direct her fear of abandonment and backlash towards something more productive. He had had to gain her trust that he would be in her corner regardless of the times she drove him to a temper or annoyance.

He sighed heavily, shaking his head and awkwardly forcing his feet back into motion so they could keep walking. It was a long walk back to The Last Drop.]

I don't know.

[ she blurts it out accidentally while combing her slick bangs away from her forehead. when he pauses with his steps, so does she as she folds her arms around her body again in a clumsy-like stance. her gaze exchange from him to down to her feet, rolling a rock underneath her toes just to give her something to do. ]

This is... not like when I blew up something you didn't want me to. Or I drew boobs on Sevika's forehead, and she whined to you about it. This is... different and, I-I don't know if you want to keep talking to me, or I'm supposed to do something to show how sorry I am.

I've never... screwed up this bad before. With you. I-I mean, besides the... other thing.

[ after all, she did kill him, too, and she still feels she hadn't pled herself to him correctly for that like she said she would, either. ]

[Silco couldn't say one way or another that this was different. On some level, it cut deep knowing how tenuous his relationship with her was that she could walk away from him and accuse him of not loving her or using her as a pawn in a game he played. He had also very specifically not allowed himself to dwell on the words she flung at him; she said damning things more times than he could count.

He was not in a position where she could shame her for saying what was on her mind. Part of their trust was that she could say anything to him, and he would correct her on the misconceptions but never shun her for how she felt.]

You are my daughter. There will always be a place in my life for you no matter what you do and say.

[It didn't surprise him that she needed direction. It also wasn't a shock that he was put in the position to have to comfort her; that was their dynamic and he had never particularly set a standard that he might need her to reciprocate. After all, Silco was supposed to be the strong one emotionally, the guiding hand to allow her to heal and be her authentic self, even if with destructed him, her and everyone around them.]

I needed you, Jinx. You are the only one in this city I could trust, and when I needed you, the decision was made to walk away. I have to wonder how long it would have gone on for.

[That whole taking a trip into the ocean wasn't supposed to be something she caught him at. Yet, here they were.]

That's done now. I don't hold it against you, but I want you to know that I did need you back then. The other party in this unfortunate event has support; you are my support.

[Perhaps it was a lot to put on her, but he was tired and sore. He wasn't here for diplomacy at the moment. If Jinx took it badly and left again, he would respect the decision even if he didn't agree with it.]

[ hearing his words are like getting sucker punched despite seeing it coming from a mile away. she knew she screwed up somewhere in all of this, because when doesn't she make a mess of things whether it's intentional or not. jinx has gotten (somewhat) used to hearing it from the dead sevika, rumors from his council or the other zaunties. but to now stand here and listen how she failed to be his anchor, wounds her in a way where she wants to hide in the rafters in shame. who knew she would be like her sister?

he said he won't hold it against her, not like he needs to when her mind and the dead will take care of that for him. but when he finishes, jinx says nothing nor looks at him in the eye. way too ashamed to. instead, she remains still as she pinches her forearms with her nails. although she is putting on her solider front, she blinks rapidly to fight back the tears and sniffs away so no snot bubbles will form.]

Edited 2024-07-01 18:28 (UTC)

[Her reaction was not unexpected, and as long as she wasn't pushed to harming herself, he would let her have this to work out for herself. This was not the first time they had had a disagreement on an emotional level, and she had navigated it with a little nudging. He had promised to be honest with her a long time ago, and he kept himself to that standard, especially in this new place.]

Jinx. You don't have to hide how you feel from me.

[He knew she was because her expectation that she needed to be strong in front of him. He'd seen her at some of her worst moments, and he loved her despite it all. He would continue to do so.]

[ after a few seconds more of poking her skin, she eases on herself and swells her lung with air. she keeps her head low when she shuts her eyes, taking a brief minute to just... soak everything in, she guesses. ]

...

[ and then lifting her head up high, she takes a small leap forward. then another, and another until she decides to start skipping a few inches ahead of him. jinx extends her arms out (with her boots and socks still in hand), and then spins around to face her father with a smile spreading over her face. ]

Come on, slowpoke!! The Last Drop is waiting for us...! I don't want to miss out any dummies busting their drunk heads open!

[Again, he found her reaction to not be surprising at all. This was the spirit of his city, the chaos and emotions and liveliness that was Zaun. Would he ever receive an actual apology? Likely not and that was something simply to accept.

It took him a few tender steps to urge himself back into motion again, wincing at the pain in his feet after being stopped for a minute or so. Oh what he wouldn't do to lay down somewhere and let a few hours pass him by.]

That's what security is for. [He eased back into a slow pace, yet he was in motion and that's all he could expect of himself.]

Yep, you're definitely right about that!

[ keep up with the persona, keep up with the persona. she waits for him patiently with hands now behind her back. the smile still shine on her face, but there's some wavers to it if he stares at it long enough.]

... Would you like for me to help you the rest of the way? I can help.

['let me help, let me help, i can still help you. i'm still useful.' ]

Then I can take care of your feet a-and, uh. whatever else you need help with tonight. Like tell everyone to pipe down, downstairs!

[Silco simply kept putting on bare foot in front of the other, mentally cursing how far he had had to run to arrive at his appointed destination. People who jogged for fun were true topsiders no matter where they came from.

He waved her off with a hand. His ninety-pound daughter was not carrying him back to the Last Drop. He had his pride.]

I'll be alright walking, Jinx. This is my punishment for running without shoes.

[He hadn't meant to, of course. His one comfort was taking his shoes off, but this time it had unintended consequences. He was not in the right head space to detail how he had gotten from a second story window and to the beach in the first place, but he expected Jinx could and would put two-and-two together.]

They probably just need to soak. If you could get some water, I think that will suffice when we return. I'll finish a few tasks for the night.

[Maybe fall asleep at his desk.]

[ she nods to him maybe too eagerly than she wanted, and when he is beside her again -- she matches his pace. ]

Sure, yeah! I can do that. Easy. Whatever you want.

[ whatever he wants, whatever he needs. she will do whatever he suggests as long as he's content. she can't steal the gemstone again to prove her worth, but maybe if she tries extremely hard, she won't get shelfed. especially when there's so much potential here in aldrip.

maybe deleting her okcindr profile can be one of those first steps, no more chasing after boys and falling into their alluring charms. or if he needs more people in his corner, she can shove her followers his way -- have them empty all of their pockets and give to him. they're all nobodies anyway, so who truly cares if they go to bed with empty bellies? if she comes across shimmer, she'll hand it to him instead keeping it for herself. her body can figure out how to produce more on its own. somehow.]

Tomorrow, I'll start checking around the other businesses. Make sure everyone's doing what they're supposed to.

Edited 2024-07-01 23:48 (UTC)

[It took him time to notice what she was doing, though it shouldn't be surprising given the previous conversation they had had. She was overcompensating, and this was a sign of her insecurity. He recognized it now that he played through her ongoing attempts to do whatever she thought he needed in this moment.

He hoped this situation wasn't going to result in a building being blown up. Jerry currently seemed to have his thumb on her, and he wouldn't want a second month of sentencing to deprive her of getting her business off the ground.]

Everything will be running smoothly. I've had no issues with the staff thus far. I'm not rejecting you over this, Jinx.

[They were making slow progress back to the Last Drop, and he was doing his best to hide his limping. He couldn't risk showing weakness now.]

Do you need assistance with your café?

[ so her facade is blemishing, or maybe he just knows her inside and out that it's easy for him to distinguish when it teeters. it melts off her slightly and her stumbling words come back in full force. ]

I-I know!

[ half-truth. she knows, but her thoughts are speeding off course than it should. jinx looks around their surroundings to once again avoid eye contact. ]

It's just... I really am sorry, a-and I... want to make it up to you. Saying, "Sorry" isn't enough. And I had this apology speech ready, and I-I rehearsed it over and over in my head. But now... I can't remember anything after the "I'm sorry" part.

Edited 2024-07-02 04:38 (UTC)

[He was still walking slowly as her enthusiasm to assist him wilted to something one might consider normal. He never expected an apology; it was nice to have one - and not just a seemingly blurted one on the beach - and know that she felt regrets. He wasn't angry though, perhaps disappointed.]

How does saying sorry not make it up to me?

[There was a thread of amusement to the idea that she had a speech ready. That wouldn't be her first rehearsed and abandoned speech; it was the thought that counted.]

Perhaps now there will be more awareness, and that's all that matters. You are my world, and I would build it up or burn it down for you depending on what you needed.

[He came to a stop again, as much as it pained him to do it knowing he was heading closer and closer to simple collapse. He still did. He reached out a hand towards Jinx to take.]

[ she peeks over, almost submissively, and then sees his hand extending out to her. jinx takes it without hesitation and immediately intertwine their fingers together in some bizarre desperation of need for physical contact from him. ]

You say that's all that matters, but... I feel I have to do something, I need to do something to make this up. Steal for you, blow something up, shoot something, kill someone, whatever you want me to do, I-I'll do it a million times better than some schmuck around here.

[ jinx can hear mylo somewhere groaning in disgust over her groveling, and for once, she's ignoring his bellyaching. because she has to prove that her loyalty to him hadn't changed in the slightest, and he is just as important as she is to him. she has to be good for the cause, and she can't let sevika's words become truth. ]

[He let their fingers intertwine and used the united grip to pull he closer to himself where she could tuck in against him if she wanted to. Of course, he was still wearing wet and sand crusted clothing, rumpled and disheveled, but the invitation remained.]

The hired help is not something I utilize for those tasks. [Well, maybe Levi, but he wanted to know he could trust Jinx for those.] Don't walk away. That's what I need; I can offer you a million small tasks that might fill that void, but I need you to not walk away.

[When he needed her most. It was a hard ask. She was, in many ways, still a child, and she was also old enough to walk her own path. His role was to provide opportunities to be self-sufficient without him. It was a thin line to walk.]

[ it's comforting to know that, despite her palm being clammy with sweat, he didn't mind it one bit. not that how her hand felt holds that much of an importance. but him tugging her closer is, and her body obeys nearly on its own. his daughter listens, maybe a little too compulsively, at his every little syllable and articulation that roll off his tongue. 'don't walk away', a command that suddenly struck a cord within her soul. the three words now becoming the highest of significance, and it will be the one thing that will right all wrongs. ... the one thing that will keep her from being replaced by another, and be left alone. and forgotten.

'don't walk away.'

her free hand stretches to cup the side of his cheek, amd she stands on her toes to lean over, and then presses a deep kiss on the other. she lets her lips linger there, maybe a good solid thirty seconds, so her father can sense how strong and how serious she is to his request. no, not a request, but what he needs from her, and only her. when her lips finally part from his skin, she murmurs gently enough for him to hear and not the ominous streets around them: ]

I won't. ... Never again.

[He reeled her in, aware that physical contact was a way to focus her on him. The feel of her fingers in his own was comforting, even if it was fleeting. By and large, he wasn't a physically affectionate person, but she nudged him into it here and there. So he relished the way she stepped in and the way her other hand cupped his face; it was easy to forget for just a few moments how alone the last month felt.

He should correct her. He knew she would pick one part, latch on and run with it until one or both of them went down in flames. He did not, instead closing his blue eye to linger on the sensation of her lips against his cheek. He nodded his head subtly to her words.]

I know. We have each other, Jinx.

[Even when there was competition for her attention. That was fine; she had her own life here, could build her own empire. As intended.]

I suggest we continue otherwise I may not make it back to the office.

Mm... or we'll get sick, or you'll get some weird bacteria infection on your feet.

[ fast-forwarding this thread, the duo make it to the last drop and make it back to his office without any of the patrons or staff questioning their appearance. they know not to, of course, if they wish to value their lives.

but once all tucked in the room alone, jinx picks up a sign she had scribbled and doodled back when the establishment first opened, then hung it on the opposite side of the door. the color words spelled, "DO NOT DISTURB!!" on it, and she shuts it tight — locking for good measure. ]

[He did not, in fact, find his socks on the trip back to the Last Drop, and in his previous panic, there was no way to know where each one had fallen off his feet. He would have to search for them tomorrow, assuming that he could walk.

He hobbled around the office while she set everything up by locking the doors and put up her signage. He grabbed his discarded tie and vest from the floor, dusting them off and folding them as he eased himself down on the couch with a faint groan. He set them aside next to him and leaned back then pushed his fingers through his hair as he stretched his legs out.]

Could you bring the change of clothing from the cupboard?

[ she hums a response as she sets her wet socks and boots by the door, then scurries off to the cupboard. jinx selects the right color coordinated clothing before making her way back to her father on the couch.

gingerly, she places the outfit beside them than on the coffee table (so he wouldn't have to move so much), then turns her back to him for privacy. in truth, jinx doesn't mind whether he strips entirely in front of her or not, but she figured he would prefer for her to not see him in that state. as for her, however, his daughter carries no shame as she removes her top over her head, and tosses it negligently to where her boots rest. back bare, the blueberry haired girl strolls to a different cupboard to seek for her own, humming a little diddy as she rummages. ]

Edited 2024-07-03 05:48 (UTC)

[Silco forced himself to move despite being sore, sitting forward on the couch now that he had a change of clothing. Much like his daughter, he cared very little for nudity while in front of her as they had gained that kind of trust with each other. Now was not the time to be shy.

He unbuttoned his collared shirt and worked his way out of the wet clingy material, perhaps noting for the first time that he had shed noticeable weight. His bullet scars stood out pink with brown edges, completely healed. Ignoring the weight issue for another day, he folded up the shirt and used it to wipe sand from his arms and hands before setting it aside. He picked up and slid into a dry shirt, his fingers fumbling with the buttons until the more pressing matter of pants forced him to abandon the top four buttons for now.

With effort, he pushed himself back to his feet so he could unbutton his pants and shuck them down his legs with his underwear. The button of his shirt offered some decency but again, Zaun was not a place where people grew up with body image modesty. He slowly seated himself so he could work his way out of the pant legs, wincing as the damp rough material passed over his damaged feet.]

[ as her father unclothes and redresses behind her, jinx essentially does the same, as she strips to the point of nothing, then collects her filthy attire (and strays over to silco to gather his) to set in a pile together for cleaning in the morning. on the brighter side of all of this, at least she had settled to have her hair in a long ponytail earlier in the afternoon than braids. it'll be easier to dry and manage once she's fully settled.

returning to the cupboard, jinx decides to go with an oversize shirt to wear than her usual sleepwear, and slips it over her thin frame in one easy swoop. her fingers twist along with the rubber band to free her locks as she heads to her father's desk. once there (and her hair open and wild), she opens a drawer to reach for his cigar case, his lighter, a writing pen, and his work folder. easily, she places the items on the coffee table for her father to begin his work or smoke while she disappears to their half bathroom to fetch for towels, a bowl, and a medical kit to help tend to his wounds. ]

[He wiped off his legs of sand from his wet pants and then set them aside in time for Jinx to come and collect the items. He picked through the clothing that she had brought for dry underwear and pulled the material on up over his legs and then his hips. Good enough.

He leaned forward and sorted through the other items, but he realized as he leafed through the papers that he was in no head space to actually continue. It wasn't a first, but it was rare enough that it forced him to reconsider playing at sleeping habits his teenage daughter did. Instead, he leaned his head back on the couch back and ran his fingers through his hair to try to wrangle it into some semblance of order, listening and half-watching Jinx bustle around.]

[ she leaves the door open in the bathroom as she worked, thinking maybe he would feel more grounded if he is able to periodically watch someone who is familiar to him. and in there, jinx gathers all the necessary materials to help with the cleaning, almost filling a bowl to the rim before balancing it with a rag and medical supplies. his daughter returns to him and sets the materials on the floor, but retreats again to his desk. her pinks fling up above to her perch, contemplating if she should risk making it up there or to try again later. and by the look on her face, the girl doesn't seem too thrilled about making the attempt.

despite it, a sigh leaves her lips and carefully climbs on the furniture, then using all her strength to take a leap. the good news, she makes it okay, but not without some grunting and groaning along the way. his prodigy isn't gone for too long, maybe a thirty seconds or so until she is back on ground level -- with a vial of shimmer in one hand and a gas mask in the other. now finally satisfied, she can now get to work as she paces back to her father, and planting herself on the floor cross-legged. jinx stretches over to his left foot first, inspecting the sole with deep concentration. ]

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cw: oh yeah, probably should have said there's nudity in this lel.

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