expiationlogs | (after event chill out lil mingle) let's understand it

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(after event chill out lil mingle) let's understand it

(cw depression)

(he hasn't exactly been doing great - much to the opposite. he spent the week in bed, he hasn't taken care of himself whatsoever, and he's exhausted. either way, it hardly matters how he feels, does it ever?

so. let's go. a text message arrives to everyone's charms and tablets, and it reads:)

this is, you guessed it, osamu dazai. it's been a week since that stupid maze, so here is what we have:

1. i need copious amounts of alcohol and food. i'll bring some to the beach in 30, i suggest we all do the same.
2. i'd like to hear what your experiences were. it's important for data building - we have a few detectives in this place, some smartpants, and some go-getters. we need to take advantage of our only resource, which is ourselves. meet me at the beach, or send me anonymously. i don't care about your shit per se.

see you, or don't see you.

many words that mean absolutely nothing here,
dazai.

(to those that come to the beach, they'll see several cocktail possibilities laid in front of dazai, as well as a good number of the food they serve in lupin - mixed nuts, pistachio, cheese tables, chocolate, dried figs, potato chips, chicken snacks, boiled sausage, asparagus with sauces, and dried fruit. a bonfire warms his hands in the chilly breeze of the night - this feels awfully needed.)

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[He sucks in a breath at the contact, but follows easily, appreciating the gesture for what it is. He doesn't want to cry-- he's cried so much since this wretched maze showed him things he didn't want to see, about himself and about everyone he cares about, he's sick to death of crying. But it just keeps fucking happening, and he understands Dazai's gesture to get him away from prying eyes, and appreciates it even as he slows and pulls on his wrist where Dazai holds it, shuffling to stand behind him and put his head against the back of his shoulder.]

I appreciate you, Dazai.

(he's exhausted, dazai. the maze wasn't easy for him, but this is planting seeds for akira's journey. he's not helping dazai, he's allowing himself to be helped, and for someone with self-image issues, isn't that huge? besides, he knows it's just akira's thoughts once dazai's hands are on him, thanks to his ability.

they're far enough, so dazai can just open his arms, a little smile on his face, like he's perpetually in a good mood!)

I'm sure! Now come here. It's fine to feel whatever you feel. What's not fine is to feel like you don't deserve to show it!

[He laughs, and the sound cracks, first into a cough and then something sour and sad and he shakes his head, trying to laugh again and bringing both his hands to his face. He flinches when he realizes he's not wearing his glasses, and just presses both his palms over his eyes, sucking in a breath and holding it.]

It's less that I don't think I deserve to show it and more that I'm really, really tired of being this fragile about everything. This week sucked, I want a do-over.

(a pet pet for akira, encouragement the best way he can. for someone who has done this many times, he's still learning.)

It's more strength than you think. Ah, but I too would like a do-over! Really wish you hadn't seen what you did! Come on, kiddo. You have 5 minutes to tell me everything you feel, and then we can sit in silence to let it process.

[He's doing absolutely fine for a single(?) father of so many wayward teenagers, suddenly, especially when so many of them have almost as many problems as he does.]

You don't-- [He chokes, pulls his hands down to cover his whole face, and breathes raggedly into them for about eight seconds before dropping them forcibly to his sides. His face is a damn mess, he's gotta be one of the world's ugliest pretty criers, somehow both at once. His teeth are bared and his shoulders are bunched up near his ears, and big fat stupid tears glob up in the corners of his eyes and drip down to his chin.] --you don't need this, you've got so much more to worry about than the stupid neuroses of a kid. [He maybe spits the word kid with a bit more force than necessary-- it doesn't actually bother him that Dazai calls him kiddo. But boy, does he feel like one right now.]

(this is not so different from scott bawling on him, and truth be told, this is his choice. he's made several mistakes when he started mentoring, akutagawa is obsessed with him because he puts his self-worth on dazai - because dazai raised him to, belittling, abusing, hitting and shooting at, and it didn't help the long term. he created some perfect for the mafia, but not for him, not dor anywhere else.

the emphasis on the last word actually makes dazai laugh. he's patient, soft when he moves the boy's hair away from his face, index finger in a hook to wipe some tears away.)

Last I checked? I took you. I asked you to talk to me. I don't need it, but I want it. Is that okay?

[He makes one of those awful chest-trapped sounds children make when they're trying really hard not to cry, and he's fully aware of just how childish the whole display is, but something about Dazai's motion, about the simplicity of his question, makes it okay.]

[He struggles anyway, going between gasps and held breaths, half-coughs and trapped sounds, before he finally just settles to stand there and leak, letting his shoulders drop and the fight to go out of him.] ...I'm scared I don't have a personality outside of what I reflect for the people around me. I don't-- I don't know how to be a person, I don't know who Akira Kurusu is.

Do you wanna know the beauty of that sentence?

(he's still so calm, smiling, attempting to dry the salt when they gather on the boy's jaw.)

The beauty is, Akira-kun...! You get to figure it out. If it helps you? My ability is what it is for a good reason, 'No Longer Human'. I don't know how to be a person, too. I'm figuring it out. This is what life is. Reinventing, failing, and reinventing again. You're not alone, you know! You get to learn who you are on the go, none of us are fixed beings.

[He makes another wordless, ugly sound, sinking to crouch so he can fold himself up into his knees, draping his arms up over the back of his head.]

It feels like I should have at least some kind of idea, at eighteen.

And you have around a good at least 50 years to consider, and you won't be the same for all that time either.

(he's gonna sit in front of the boy, to keep eye to eye.)

[He's just gonna settle there for a bit, leaking from his face and hitching every so often, eventually moving one arm to reach toward Dazai, looking at his feet through his own knees.]

I don't usually do this, 'm sorry.

If you apologize one more time, I'm going to scold you. It's fine to cry.

(his thumb caresses the arm that reaches for him, attempting to have 'no longer human' soothe as much as the touch itself.)

[A watery chuckle, and he turns his arm at an angle so he can hook his fingers over some part of Dazai's arm. No Longer Human isn't exactly a soothing sensation, but-- something about it quieting him to Just A Guy and not The Trickster Who Saved the World Three Times helps, in a weird way.]

[It also means he stays quiet, rather than apologizing again. Whoohoo, avoided scolding! He still hates crying, thanks.]

(there, there. what he can do is be patient, gently being there, letting presence and patience override words, space and time allowed for the boy to feel, to understand, to process.)

[He didn't want to be crying at all, he didn't want to be trying to process this again. He's been processing it, and reprocessing it, for over a week now. He's still scared, he's still uncertain, nothing has really changed.]

[Except for the fact that he's had it reaffirmed that he has people who will support him even as he fumbles, as he wobbles like a baby deer trying to figure out how to have no idea what he's doing in things far simpler than things he dove straight into with no hesitation behind a domino mask.]

[He shifts his hand again, eventually finding Dazai's and threading their fingers together. Listen, he likes holding people's hands. Let him live.]

(the hand-holding is alright. considering how dazai is nearly completely bandaged, that's one of the few places where one can feel his skin. so, his hand squeezes the other, and he's in no hurry to leave. whatever akira needs from him right now is what he will do.)

[That's... a lot of the problem. Akira doesn't know what he needs, because he's so used to being focused on what everyone else needs, he can't quite sort himself out. But this... this is fine. This is nice. Sitting in good company and being Not Okay, but still okay to not be okay.]

[Why is being alive so confusing.]

It's good, isn't it? To be held instead of holding. You can do that more often. If not on my shoulder, trust the people around you.

(there, a little kiss to the forehead, almost like he's sealing a promise - that it will all be okay in due time.)

[He looks up again and is startled by the abrupt way his eyes well up with tears all over again, because-- yeah. Yeah, it is really nice? He ducks his head again a moment after, making an affirmative warbling sound and squeezing Dazai's fingers.]

[He's very dumb, Dazai.]

(oh dear lord. there, there, there. his chin sets on the other's head, it's comfortable like this, and he can hide if he wants.)

You kiddos have terrible taste in older men.

(a joke, to see if he can make akira laugh.)

[It works-- he crackles a funny sort of watery sound into the bend of his elbow.] Goro would kill me.

[He smears his face there a moment and sniffs roughly, tipping his head up and back a moment to settle and then looking over at Dazai with a grossly fond expression-- extra gross because of the blotchiness to his face and the dampness all over it, but, you know. Details.] You're not that much older than me, anyway.

He too has a crush on me, you two can commiserate.

(which-- it does entertain him, he won't lie. he's not that great a person, regardless of what he might seem like, regardless what these moments bring. the fondness isn't missed, and it does bring a genuine smile to dazai's lips - not an easy feat.)

Don't worry, I too am taken, you know-- even if one of my partners does call me-- a harlot.

(laugh, kiddo!!)

[He laughs again, the sound crackling a bit like a percolator, but the smile lingers and he's not tearing up anymore.]

I probably would be if I didn't care so much about Goro's insecurities. [There's no probably about it, mister.]

He needs to have someone who does.

(the long, thin fingers offer to akira's free hand, elegantly as they tend to be, so he can gently stand. perhaps a little walk before they return to pretend they were not having a heart-to-heart.)

[His smile scrunches at the corners, and he nods. He's so happy to be what he is for Goro it's sickening. Taking Dazai's hand, he rolls to his feet again, squeezing all of his fingers gently.] ...thanks, I thought I was doing better than I am.

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nullificates - 2023-10-19 02:40 (UTC) - Expand

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