(after event chill out lil mingle) let's understand it

[nullificates]

(cw depression)

(he hasn't exactly been doing great - much to the opposite. he spent the week in bed, he hasn't taken care of himself whatsoever, and he's exhausted. either way, it hardly matters how he feels, does it ever?

so. let's go. a text message arrives to everyone's charms and tablets, and it reads:)

this is, you guessed it, osamu dazai. it's been a week since that stupid maze, so here is what we have:

1. i need copious amounts of alcohol and food. i'll bring some to the beach in 30, i suggest we all do the same.
2. i'd like to hear what your experiences were. it's important for data building - we have a few detectives in this place, some smartpants, and some go-getters. we need to take advantage of our only resource, which is ourselves. meet me at the beach, or send me anonymously. i don't care about your shit per se.

see you, or don't see you.

many words that mean absolutely nothing here,
dazai.

(to those that come to the beach, they'll see several cocktail possibilities laid in front of dazai, as well as a good number of the food they serve in lupin - mixed nuts, pistachio, cheese tables, chocolate, dried figs, potato chips, chicken snacks, boiled sausage, asparagus with sauces, and dried fruit. a bonfire warms his hands in the chilly breeze of the night - this feels awfully needed.)

Comments

[chemex]

[He makes one of those awful chest-trapped sounds children make when they're trying really hard not to cry, and he's fully aware of just how childish the whole display is, but something about Dazai's motion, about the simplicity of his question, makes it okay.]

[He struggles anyway, going between gasps and held breaths, half-coughs and trapped sounds, before he finally just settles to stand there and leak, letting his shoulders drop and the fight to go out of him.] ...I'm scared I don't have a personality outside of what I reflect for the people around me. I don't-- I don't know how to be a person, I don't know who Akira Kurusu is.

[nullificates]

Do you wanna know the beauty of that sentence?

(he's still so calm, smiling, attempting to dry the salt when they gather on the boy's jaw.)

The beauty is, Akira-kun...! You get to figure it out. If it helps you? My ability is what it is for a good reason, 'No Longer Human'. I don't know how to be a person, too. I'm figuring it out. This is what life is. Reinventing, failing, and reinventing again. You're not alone, you know! You get to learn who you are on the go, none of us are fixed beings.

[chemex]

[He makes another wordless, ugly sound, sinking to crouch so he can fold himself up into his knees, draping his arms up over the back of his head.]

It feels like I should have at least some kind of idea, at eighteen.

[nullificates]

And you have around a good at least 50 years to consider, and you won't be the same for all that time either.

(he's gonna sit in front of the boy, to keep eye to eye.)

[chemex]

[He's just gonna settle there for a bit, leaking from his face and hitching every so often, eventually moving one arm to reach toward Dazai, looking at his feet through his own knees.]

I don't usually do this, 'm sorry.

[nullificates]

If you apologize one more time, I'm going to scold you. It's fine to cry.

(his thumb caresses the arm that reaches for him, attempting to have 'no longer human' soothe as much as the touch itself.)

[chemex]

[A watery chuckle, and he turns his arm at an angle so he can hook his fingers over some part of Dazai's arm. No Longer Human isn't exactly a soothing sensation, but-- something about it quieting him to Just A Guy and not The Trickster Who Saved the World Three Times helps, in a weird way.]

[It also means he stays quiet, rather than apologizing again. Whoohoo, avoided scolding! He still hates crying, thanks.]

[nullificates]

(there, there. what he can do is be patient, gently being there, letting presence and patience override words, space and time allowed for the boy to feel, to understand, to process.)

[chemex]

[He didn't want to be crying at all, he didn't want to be trying to process this again. He's been processing it, and reprocessing it, for over a week now. He's still scared, he's still uncertain, nothing has really changed.]

[Except for the fact that he's had it reaffirmed that he has people who will support him even as he fumbles, as he wobbles like a baby deer trying to figure out how to have no idea what he's doing in things far simpler than things he dove straight into with no hesitation behind a domino mask.]

[He shifts his hand again, eventually finding Dazai's and threading their fingers together. Listen, he likes holding people's hands. Let him live.]

[nullificates]

(the hand-holding is alright. considering how dazai is nearly completely bandaged, that's one of the few places where one can feel his skin. so, his hand squeezes the other, and he's in no hurry to leave. whatever akira needs from him right now is what he will do.)

[chemex]

[That's... a lot of the problem. Akira doesn't know what he needs, because he's so used to being focused on what everyone else needs, he can't quite sort himself out. But this... this is fine. This is nice. Sitting in good company and being Not Okay, but still okay to not be okay.]

[Why is being alive so confusing.]

[nullificates]

It's good, isn't it? To be held instead of holding. You can do that more often. If not on my shoulder, trust the people around you.

(there, a little kiss to the forehead, almost like he's sealing a promise - that it will all be okay in due time.)

[chemex]

[He looks up again and is startled by the abrupt way his eyes well up with tears all over again, because-- yeah. Yeah, it is really nice? He ducks his head again a moment after, making an affirmative warbling sound and squeezing Dazai's fingers.]

[He's very dumb, Dazai.]

[nullificates]

(oh dear lord. there, there, there. his chin sets on the other's head, it's comfortable like this, and he can hide if he wants.)

You kiddos have terrible taste in older men.

(a joke, to see if he can make akira laugh.)

[chemex]

[It works-- he crackles a funny sort of watery sound into the bend of his elbow.] Goro would kill me.

[He smears his face there a moment and sniffs roughly, tipping his head up and back a moment to settle and then looking over at Dazai with a grossly fond expression-- extra gross because of the blotchiness to his face and the dampness all over it, but, you know. Details.] You're not that much older than me, anyway.

[nullificates]

He too has a crush on me, you two can commiserate.

(which-- it does entertain him, he won't lie. he's not that great a person, regardless of what he might seem like, regardless what these moments bring. the fondness isn't missed, and it does bring a genuine smile to dazai's lips - not an easy feat.)

Don't worry, I too am taken, you know-- even if one of my partners does call me-- a harlot.

(laugh, kiddo!!)

[chemex]

[He laughs again, the sound crackling a bit like a percolator, but the smile lingers and he's not tearing up anymore.]

I probably would be if I didn't care so much about Goro's insecurities. [There's no probably about it, mister.]

[nullificates]

He needs to have someone who does.

(the long, thin fingers offer to akira's free hand, elegantly as they tend to be, so he can gently stand. perhaps a little walk before they return to pretend they were not having a heart-to-heart.)

[chemex]

[His smile scrunches at the corners, and he nods. He's so happy to be what he is for Goro it's sickening. Taking Dazai's hand, he rolls to his feet again, squeezing all of his fingers gently.] ...thanks, I thought I was doing better than I am.

[nullificates]

I got you. After all, that place was very nightmarish! It's fine if you haven't processed it yet.

(he's too old and too tall, it makes the picture of him skipping stones a little bit funnier, more carefree as he brings the other along.)

[chemex]

[He wants to fuss, tell Dazai that it's fine if he hasn't processed it either, but he isn't really in a place to, and Dazai would just tut at him anyway. So he sighs, nodding, but actually feeling a good bit better after just. A good little anxiety cry session. It's fine, he's learning that he has to actually let himself be a person sometimes, too.]

I'd be totally okay if none of that ever happened again, to anybody.