[Does it really have anything to do with Scott himself? No, but he's going to ask anyway. Clearly it's something that's been eating inside of Altius since they got here, something to do with his home, and so that's important enough to Scott. He's gotten to care a lot about the old man after all.
It's not like he was talking about how this world is fake or anything like that, not if he's talking about Ferran-- someone that isn't even here. It's something beyond this simulation.]
[What is he going to do, admit to it? How could he even spin that into something understandable, something justifiable?
... nothing comes to him. He turns his eyes elsewhere.]
That's not anything you need to worry about, [he says, voice low but not entirely forceful. He can at least try to appeal to the young man's sympathy for emotionally difficult topics; it seems a better option than reacting as if angry. Whether it will succeed is another thing.]
Scott's mouth tugs into a small frown. It helps that Altius is still being relatively patient with him, not just snapping at him, although in a way it's working against the older man-- because he wants to continue trying. At least for a while longer. Altius said that it's nothing for him to worry about, but clearly, this is something important.]
It may not have anything to do with me, but it's been on your mind. I want to listen.
[A weak huff leaves him, but his expression only darkens. Funny, that Scott doesn't think it has to do with him, that it doesn't have to do with everyone he's ever interacted with here. That it hasn't practically defined his existence.]
There are some things better left unspoken. ... It wouldn't do either of us any good.
[His misplaced regret won't help anything. Even if he did let go of his reputation entirely, was willing to throw away everything he's built here, how would knowing help Scott? Let him guess and worry. It's better than the truth.
There's a stark difference between this and how he bluntly admitted to thinking about death, before. But he could talk around that one.]
It sounds like it might do you some good, since it's clearly been on your mind.
[He doesn't buy it. Besides, it's clearly affecting Altius even now and something like that would only fester and in a place like this? None of them needs that. Any secret can easily be taken advantage of. If they can at least address it in some manner now, wouldn't that be for the best?
Even if Altius doesn't like it at all. Scott will just be as equally stubborn, he's really good at that now. More so when he thinks it might affect his friends-- the people that he cares about.]
[He feels a headache building behind his eyes again, and it comes through in the pained pinch to his brow before he brings a shaky hand over his face.]
Leave it, Scott. It's not something that can be improved...
[There's not as much energy in his voice as he'd like to put into it, but even in that case it still would have been more tense rather than anything angry. His thoughts are still sluggish, unable to come up with anything other than refusal. This damn sickness...]
Maybe not, but weren't you the one that told me not to keep shit in?
[Confront all that trauma. Of course he still remembers the time when Altius dug right into him after the incident with Kotone, nearly forcing him to admit a bunch of things that are still hard to think about, but in the end, it really did help. This isn't the exact same thing, but he's stubbornly going to compare their situations, hoping that it might push the older man to actually talk.
Of course, letting him rest is probably important too, but.]
[So he did. And so he's likely to continue encouraging that sort of thing, even knowing he'll never truly reciprocate. The reminder grates at his nerves as he tries to reach for some idea of how to get the young man to leave—or at least stop asking.
The words that come to him aren't as well-considered as his replies usually are. He follows them in the hope of reaching a quiet destination regardless.]
So, you're really going to refuse talking about this.
[He won't forget what happened here. Not that Scott finds himself fully closing off from the older man, but he definitely squares himself-- his jaw clenched to hide his hurt? Disappointment? Maybe if he comes back later he'll be more amendable to talking, but he's not holding his breath either.]
[The breath he takes in forces a tremble through his upper half, eyes still shielded.]
For all I go on about protecting people your age from violence... that shot he took... was meant for me.
[Is it a planned diversion away from his lies, or is it real guilt, real regret? Zekarion doesn't know anymore, having lost sight of what the true him is even like a long time ago. He all but hisses through his teeth.]
[He pushes back the initial shock of Altius actually opening up, mouth clamping shut so he can listen to him. Waiting, watching his reactions, how the older man actually seems to tremble from remembering all this. Recalling memories that have been pushed to the back of your mind isn't easy. He should know.
So, is that what this is all about? Ferran took the bullet that was meant for him? He can see why he'd be burdened with a large amount of guilt over that, but what does that have to do with 'everything was a lie.' Something isn't adding up, but Scott pushes that feeling away for the time being. It's clear that Altius is still genuinely upset about this.]
...He protected you from the bullet? [The question's asked softly.]
[...So a little more than just protecting. Intentionally throwing himself in danger-- sacrificing himself, ultimately, so that Altius wouldn't get hurt. He doesn't really fully blame Ferran; it's probably something he'd do for someone that he cares about. He'd probably do the same for Altius honestly.]
He wanted to protect someone that's important to him. I get it.
[He's not worth that: the injuries that could have very well killed his ward if they was a few inches in some other direction. Ferran even knew he could heal himself, and yet he deliberately put himself there. So, in his impaired state of mind, he must have been desperate to remind the young man of who exactly he was.
...Apparently Ferran thought it was worth it. You can't decide that for others, Altius.
[Even harder to change their minds. He should know. No matter how much Kotone thinks that he shouldn't sacrifice himself for her, he will. Without question. Granted, he's trying to avoid sacrificing in general on both their ends, because he's trying to make a point to her, but no matter how 'doomed' someone maybe be or whatever else...
And in all honesty, he could probably decide for Ferran, order him to never do such a thing again, reduce him to nothing more than a puppet meant to take the power from his friends, as Zekarion had originally planned.
Somehow the idea feels even worse than what his ward did on his own. He lets out an vocal, aggravated exhale as he tries to cast those feelings off.]
[Has he heard Altius growl like that before? Something so emotional and visceral that almost doesn't suit the businessman. Almost is the keyword though, because... they're all emotional assholes in the end, huh? It also makes him remember their first ever encounter here... when the older man was being blunt and a bit sketchy. It feels like ages ago, but Scott really hasn't forgotten that.]
Just as you've refused to leave me be, [he replies, far from pleased to agree.
He's reached the end of that train of thought, unsure if there was ultimately any point to it. He's too tired now to come up with anything else or to argue further in any real way, hand still resting over his face like he simply doesn't have the energy to remove it.
But he will make Ferran listen, whenever he returns. He won't allow a repeat of that.
(As long as he gets back in time. If he can only trust what all the others have said about their return...)]
[He's not going to deny it. How helpful this whole conversation has been he doesn't know, but Scott's still going to stubbornly sit by his side for a while. Maybe not pester him too much, since Altius really looks exhausted, but juts making sure that the older man knows that there's someone that cares about him here too, even if he doesn't want it.]
[It wouldn't last, if he ever really knew the reason behind Altius's words for his ward.
That much he's sure of. As stubborn as Scott is at this moment, he's more dedicated to supporting others, to doing the right thing, than he ever would be to Altius. Even if he's still young and working through what it means to lead and to fight for what he believes in, he's a pillar in his own right. Unlike Ferran, he wouldn't break under the weight of the man's lies and then beg for more.
Zekarion doesn't take it as a comfort, exactly, but the thought puts something over the raw edges. It reminds him that he's right in this—that anyone would be fool to reach out to someone who's done what he's done, that the only reason Scott has stayed by him is because he's orchestrated that, deliberately worked to paint himself in a sympathetic light.
It's enough to let the unpleasant throb of guilt ebb away, strangely, and fatigue sweeps into its place to start pulling him away to rest, his breaths growing more quiet. Or perhaps he's just that ill. He doesn't have many more thoughts to spare on it.]
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expiationlogs2025-05-13 12:07 pm
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[Does it really have anything to do with Scott himself? No, but he's going to ask anyway. Clearly it's something that's been eating inside of Altius since they got here, something to do with his home, and so that's important enough to Scott. He's gotten to care a lot about the old man after all.
It's not like he was talking about how this world is fake or anything like that, not if he's talking about Ferran-- someone that isn't even here. It's something beyond this simulation.]
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... nothing comes to him. He turns his eyes elsewhere.]
That's not anything you need to worry about, [he says, voice low but not entirely forceful. He can at least try to appeal to the young man's sympathy for emotionally difficult topics; it seems a better option than reacting as if angry. Whether it will succeed is another thing.]
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Scott's mouth tugs into a small frown. It helps that Altius is still being relatively patient with him, not just snapping at him, although in a way it's working against the older man-- because he wants to continue trying. At least for a while longer. Altius said that it's nothing for him to worry about, but clearly, this is something important.]
It may not have anything to do with me, but it's been on your mind. I want to listen.
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There are some things better left unspoken. ... It wouldn't do either of us any good.
[His misplaced regret won't help anything. Even if he did let go of his reputation entirely, was willing to throw away everything he's built here, how would knowing help Scott? Let him guess and worry. It's better than the truth.
There's a stark difference between this and how he bluntly admitted to thinking about death, before. But he could talk around that one.]
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[He doesn't buy it. Besides, it's clearly affecting Altius even now and something like that would only fester and in a place like this? None of them needs that. Any secret can easily be taken advantage of. If they can at least address it in some manner now, wouldn't that be for the best?
Even if Altius doesn't like it at all. Scott will just be as equally stubborn, he's really good at that now. More so when he thinks it might affect his friends-- the people that he cares about.]
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Leave it, Scott. It's not something that can be improved...
[There's not as much energy in his voice as he'd like to put into it, but even in that case it still would have been more tense rather than anything angry. His thoughts are still sluggish, unable to come up with anything other than refusal. This damn sickness...]
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[Confront all that trauma. Of course he still remembers the time when Altius dug right into him after the incident with Kotone, nearly forcing him to admit a bunch of things that are still hard to think about, but in the end, it really did help. This isn't the exact same thing, but he's stubbornly going to compare their situations, hoping that it might push the older man to actually talk.
Of course, letting him rest is probably important too, but.]
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The words that come to him aren't as well-considered as his replies usually are. He follows them in the hope of reaching a quiet destination regardless.]
... hypocrite, [he rasps.] That's all I am...
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So, you're really going to refuse talking about this.
[He won't forget what happened here. Not that Scott finds himself fully closing off from the older man, but he definitely squares himself-- his jaw clenched to hide his hurt? Disappointment? Maybe if he comes back later he'll be more amendable to talking, but he's not holding his breath either.]
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[The breath he takes in forces a tremble through his upper half, eyes still shielded.]
For all I go on about protecting people your age from violence... that shot he took... was meant for me.
[Is it a planned diversion away from his lies, or is it real guilt, real regret? Zekarion doesn't know anymore, having lost sight of what the true him is even like a long time ago. He all but hisses through his teeth.]
No words will ever change that.
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So, is that what this is all about? Ferran took the bullet that was meant for him? He can see why he'd be burdened with a large amount of guilt over that, but what does that have to do with 'everything was a lie.' Something isn't adding up, but Scott pushes that feeling away for the time being. It's clear that Altius is still genuinely upset about this.]
...He protected you from the bullet? [The question's asked softly.]
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[His tone is bitter; he doesn't try to imply anything other than the fact that he absolutely detests that.]
He should have known better...
[He's not worth it. Ferran was well aware of that, and yet—]
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He wanted to protect someone that's important to him. I get it.
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It's not worth it.
[He's not worth that: the injuries that could have very well killed his ward if they was a few inches in some other direction. Ferran even knew he could heal himself, and yet he deliberately put himself there. So, in his impaired state of mind, he must have been desperate to remind the young man of who exactly he was.
Why does it still bother him...]
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[Even harder to change their minds. He should know. No matter how much Kotone thinks that he shouldn't sacrifice himself for her, he will. Without question. Granted, he's trying to avoid sacrificing in general on both their ends, because he's trying to make a point to her, but no matter how 'doomed' someone maybe be or whatever else...
Sometimes it doesn't matter.]
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And in all honesty, he could probably decide for Ferran, order him to never do such a thing again, reduce him to nothing more than a puppet meant to take the power from his friends, as Zekarion had originally planned.
Somehow the idea feels even worse than what his ward did on his own. He lets out an vocal, aggravated exhale as he tries to cast those feelings off.]
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[Has he heard Altius growl like that before? Something so emotional and visceral that almost doesn't suit the businessman. Almost is the keyword though, because... they're all emotional assholes in the end, huh? It also makes him remember their first ever encounter here... when the older man was being blunt and a bit sketchy. It feels like ages ago, but Scott really hasn't forgotten that.]
Speaking as a stubborn ass teenager like Ferran.
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He's reached the end of that train of thought, unsure if there was ultimately any point to it. He's too tired now to come up with anything else or to argue further in any real way, hand still resting over his face like he simply doesn't have the energy to remove it.
But he will make Ferran listen, whenever he returns. He won't allow a repeat of that.
(As long as he gets back in time. If he can only trust what all the others have said about their return...)]
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[He's not going to deny it. How helpful this whole conversation has been he doesn't know, but Scott's still going to stubbornly sit by his side for a while. Maybe not pester him too much, since Altius really looks exhausted, but juts making sure that the older man knows that there's someone that cares about him here too, even if he doesn't want it.]
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That much he's sure of. As stubborn as Scott is at this moment, he's more dedicated to supporting others, to doing the right thing, than he ever would be to Altius. Even if he's still young and working through what it means to lead and to fight for what he believes in, he's a pillar in his own right. Unlike Ferran, he wouldn't break under the weight of the man's lies and then beg for more.
Zekarion doesn't take it as a comfort, exactly, but the thought puts something over the raw edges. It reminds him that he's right in this—that anyone would be fool to reach out to someone who's done what he's done, that the only reason Scott has stayed by him is because he's orchestrated that, deliberately worked to paint himself in a sympathetic light.
It's enough to let the unpleasant throb of guilt ebb away, strangely, and fatigue sweeps into its place to start pulling him away to rest, his breaths growing more quiet. Or perhaps he's just that ill. He doesn't have many more thoughts to spare on it.]