[ The icy cold touch of the shade's hand makes Shigeru shudder, but then he feels those things being slowly taken away, but Shigeru does notice it. He gasps a little, his own shadows springing to life around his person as he breaks away from Altius's grasp. ] No! I-I'm fine. I couldn't impose my-my problems on you like that.
[ Shigeru's expression is taut with worry and fear; he almost got caught up in whatever Altius has become, almost forgot that some people wished for things. ] What did you wish for, Altius?
[There's mild surprise and disappointment in his expression when the other puts space between them.]
It's not an imposition if I'm asking.
[It's far from difficult for Shigeru to pull away—after all, he's nothing more than a shadow. Anyone could move straight through any part of him and Altius could do nothing to stop it. Even if he could will himself to being more solid, there's no guarantee he could muster up enough for it.
His hand, held up as if still hoping to reach for Shigeru's shoulder, slowly falls to his side at the question.]
My wish... [The worry fades from his expression and leaves exhaustion behind, his gaze moving down slightly for a moment.] ... is to stop.
[Altius voices a quiet agreement as yellow eyes meet golden:]
No... it's not. That's just it.
[Living is what makes it all happen. But nothing—with nothing there's no pain, no hurting, no misery. The shade moves to approach again, reaching forward like an earnest offer, to try to touch Shigeru's shoulders even if he can't do anything to hold him in place.]
But I won't be hurting for much longer. Before I go... one last time, I have to try to help people understand. People like you, who deserve so much better than this horrible eternity of fighting.
[ Shigeru's eyes widen in concern, and he doesn't know whether he should reach out to try and talk some sense into the other. ] You can't go! I-I mean you can't give up like that! [ Shigeru will swallow thickly before he keeps going. ]
Weren't you the one who told me to keep going despite the struggles of...of living?
[ Shigeru's worry is so evident now. ] You deserve better too.
[It does sound like something he'd say. A slight smile comes to his face, but it doesn't reach his eyes.]
You wouldn't say that if you truly knew me.
[It's part of why this is his solution—being himself would only bring him more suffering, too, more fighting, more struggling. He's been going nonstop for so long.
He lets out an unnecessary breath, head bowing under his exhaustion.]
But... it's alright. Disappearing was always what I've wanted... and it's what was wanted from me from the start.
I don't know. [ Shigeru lets out a soft sigh. ] I'm saying it right now, aren't I?
[ He gives the other a weary look before his eyes look away, downcast. But he does reach out with gloved hands to touch Altius' shoulders to get him to look at him. ] We're pretty similar in that sentiment too. I've wanted to disappear since I was little and gained my powers. I tried to do that when I became a god, but people would be hurt if we did. People here care about you, I do, and I'm sure others do as well. I don't think anyone here wants that at all.
[ Shigeru smiles, but there's a sadness to it. ] Besides, you can't disappear. We-We still haven't gone out on our date! [ Nice one Shigeru. ] So, you wouldn't be holding up your end of the agreement!
[Shigeru can make contact, but touch may be a strong word for putting his hands on a creature that has no real mass and offers no resistance to any force. But even without his intent, the effect he has on what's around him is very real, the shade erasing whatever he reaches or whatever reaches him, even if the effect may be slow. Regardless, the yellow eyes return to Shigeru.
They would want it, he thinks, opening his mouth to say it. They would, if they knew what he really was, what he's done, what he intends to do. For those it would hurt, they'd move past it. But he stops before any of it becomes spoken aloud, brow furrowing with some surprise at the man's declaration. It disrupts his thoughts enough that doubt breaks its way into the certainty of his wish.
Could someone still want him to remain, knowing it all? He already has the proof of an answer to that question, doesn't he, even if it's only come from one as broken as him—one whom he's broken. A young man covered in his own blood, held in Onyx's arms, claiming he couldn't stand to lose his guardian despite everything. And...]
An agreement.
[His eyes lower from Shigeru's face, remembering. Not the simple promise for a night out, but the vows he made so long ago. Promises he can't go back on now, because if he did, just as Shigeru said he feels—]
It would all mean nothing, if I...
[Where the other man touches him, tiny wisps of shadow begin to rise away, leaving the shoulders underneath much more solid.]
[The shade seems to buckle suddenly, hands moving to cover his face as he moves backwards, as if he might escape the encouragement.
Resilient. As if he hadn't been resilient all his life, building his life up piece by piece even when the world kept knocking all of it down. When does he get to stand down? When does he get to stop pretending?
He knows the answer: not until he's fulfilled the vow he made. Unfortunately, because of this place, that moment is now an undefinable point in the future. He's so, so tired.]
I've been fighting for so long, [he whispers.] It was supposed to be over.
[ As Altius moves backwards, Shigeru will follow, tentative, like he's dealing with some kind of wild animal that he's afraid he's going to scare away. ]
I know. And I know it's hard and-and not fair for me to say that you have to keep fighting. But-but you don't have to do it alone. At least-at least not here...you have a lot of people who are always there to support you and-and help you.
[ Shigeru's frown only deepens. ] If you just let us...see who you are. Maybe we could shoulder some of that burden for you.
[His mind traces a line over all of those here who would "support" him. People who would abandon him in a heartbeat if they knew the truth, if they did see who he was. But he wouldn't want any of them to be burdened with his self-imposed duty. Preventing others from having to do that sort of horrible work was the entire reason he took it upon himself...]
No.
[The shade takes in an apparent breath, steadier than before but still somewhat shaky. He is exhausted, there's no denying it, but—he told himself he wouldn't rest until he was done. He has to keep going until then, no matter what. And that means—]
No.
[Some of the strength in his voice returns. But even though parts of the man are becoming visible through the fading of the shadow, he turns and lets a cloud of it envelop him. He cannot be seen. He refuses to let that happen.]
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expiationlogs2025-03-11 10:18 am
no subject
[ Shigeru's expression is taut with worry and fear; he almost got caught up in whatever Altius has become, almost forgot that some people wished for things. ] What did you wish for, Altius?
no subject
It's not an imposition if I'm asking.
[It's far from difficult for Shigeru to pull away—after all, he's nothing more than a shadow. Anyone could move straight through any part of him and Altius could do nothing to stop it. Even if he could will himself to being more solid, there's no guarantee he could muster up enough for it.
His hand, held up as if still hoping to reach for Shigeru's shoulder, slowly falls to his side at the question.]
My wish... [The worry fades from his expression and leaves exhaustion behind, his gaze moving down slightly for a moment.] ... is to stop.
no subject
[ A wish that was to stop... ] To stop? To stop what? F-Feeling? Is that why when you were touching me, it felt like everything was disappearing?
[ No emotions, no self doubts, nothing. ] That's not a way to live.
no subject
No... it's not. That's just it.
[Living is what makes it all happen. But nothing—with nothing there's no pain, no hurting, no misery. The shade moves to approach again, reaching forward like an earnest offer, to try to touch Shigeru's shoulders even if he can't do anything to hold him in place.]
But I won't be hurting for much longer. Before I go... one last time, I have to try to help people understand. People like you, who deserve so much better than this horrible eternity of fighting.
no subject
Weren't you the one who told me to keep going despite the struggles of...of living?
[ Shigeru's worry is so evident now. ] You deserve better too.
no subject
You wouldn't say that if you truly knew me.
[It's part of why this is his solution—being himself would only bring him more suffering, too, more fighting, more struggling. He's been going nonstop for so long.
He lets out an unnecessary breath, head bowing under his exhaustion.]
But... it's alright. Disappearing was always what I've wanted... and it's what was wanted from me from the start.
no subject
[ He gives the other a weary look before his eyes look away, downcast. But he does reach out with gloved hands to touch Altius' shoulders to get him to look at him. ] We're pretty similar in that sentiment too. I've wanted to disappear since I was little and gained my powers. I tried to do that when I became a god, but people would be hurt if we did. People here care about you, I do, and I'm sure others do as well. I don't think anyone here wants that at all.
[ Shigeru smiles, but there's a sadness to it. ] Besides, you can't disappear. We-We still haven't gone out on our date! [ Nice one Shigeru. ] So, you wouldn't be holding up your end of the agreement!
no subject
They would want it, he thinks, opening his mouth to say it. They would, if they knew what he really was, what he's done, what he intends to do. For those it would hurt, they'd move past it. But he stops before any of it becomes spoken aloud, brow furrowing with some surprise at the man's declaration. It disrupts his thoughts enough that doubt breaks its way into the certainty of his wish.
Could someone still want him to remain, knowing it all? He already has the proof of an answer to that question, doesn't he, even if it's only come from one as broken as him—one whom he's broken. A young man covered in his own blood, held in Onyx's arms, claiming he couldn't stand to lose his guardian despite everything. And...]
An agreement.
[His eyes lower from Shigeru's face, remembering. Not the simple promise for a night out, but the vows he made so long ago. Promises he can't go back on now, because if he did, just as Shigeru said he feels—]
It would all mean nothing, if I...
[Where the other man touches him, tiny wisps of shadow begin to rise away, leaving the shoulders underneath much more solid.]
no subject
You seem like a much more resilient person than that, so I don't think giving up is in your nature or vocabulary, at least.
no subject
Resilient. As if he hadn't been resilient all his life, building his life up piece by piece even when the world kept knocking all of it down. When does he get to stand down? When does he get to stop pretending?
He knows the answer: not until he's fulfilled the vow he made. Unfortunately, because of this place, that moment is now an undefinable point in the future. He's so, so tired.]
I've been fighting for so long, [he whispers.] It was supposed to be over.
no subject
I know. And I know it's hard and-and not fair for me to say that you have to keep fighting. But-but you don't have to do it alone. At least-at least not here...you have a lot of people who are always there to support you and-and help you.
[ Shigeru's frown only deepens. ] If you just let us...see who you are. Maybe we could shoulder some of that burden for you.
no subject
No.
[The shade takes in an apparent breath, steadier than before but still somewhat shaky. He is exhausted, there's no denying it, but—he told himself he wouldn't rest until he was done. He has to keep going until then, no matter what. And that means—]
No.
[Some of the strength in his voice returns. But even though parts of the man are becoming visible through the fading of the shadow, he turns and lets a cloud of it envelop him. He cannot be seen. He refuses to let that happen.]