expiationlogs | ( open ) if we're all just cynics come undone

Entry tags:

( open ) if we're all just cynics come undone

Who: Rafal + You
Where: Around
What: Day in the life + Test Drive prompts
Warnings: N/A

( i. fun house )

[ rafal had wandered aimlessly through the carnival. the sweets and treats were fine, grabbing his attention but the rest seemed rather trivial. he didn't understand the enjoyment people received from activities like these. but then again, rafal knows he doesn't have the best sense of humour. he deadened those feelings long ago.

he pauses at his reflection. he looks the same as ever. thousands of years and he feels nothing has changed in his heart. he's still —

but the reflection warps. just slightly. the rafal that stands in the mirror is a softer version. smiles in his eyes, a cowardly bent to his posture. hands that rubbed together anxiously as he struggled to make eye contact. rafal's own eyes widened as he steps back in shock. ]

Nil?

[ at the sound of his name, "nil" looks back at rafal. his face takes on a mournful cast, tears running down his face. rafal swallows tightly at the sight of him, his brother and he nearly reaches out to touch him. but nil's next words freeze him in place. ]

Why, Rafal? I let you take my place. I saved your life. All I asked is that you protected my sister. Why?

[ rafal flinches openly, his expression turning into a snarl before he throttles it. ]

Shut up. You don't — You weren't there. I did the best I could. Living that lie for centuries.

[ nil shakes his head slowly, his gaze not leaving rafal. ]

That lie was the only thing that gave meaning to your life. You knew your worth. You knew. And yet you hurt her. Manipulated her. You got her killed. You think a thousand years of silence and heartbreak is enough? You think simply because you brought her back that you would change your fate?

[ those words hit him squarely in the chest. rafal struggles to speak, the grief and rage cloying his throat. ]

Don't — Don't do this, Nil. I — I loved you. I tried.

[ he turns on his heel, attempting to leave. but the reflection of nil pursues him throughout until rafal gasps, going on his knees. ]

Stop. Stop!

( ii. fortune telling )

[ this was not an art he ever gave much thought to.

seadall did fortune telling at night for the residents of the somniel, but rafal never attended those sessions. he generally kept his distance from the rest of the army. after all, it wasn't too long ago when he was their enemy. when he made them fight amalgations of themselves. destroyed a world in his wake. he rather not push his goodwill while he has it. curiousity pulled him to visit a fortune teller this time though. here in this artificial world, he's less sure of his oath. his direction. before, it was easy. he could follow alear. trusted alear.

here . . . who could he trust? especially when he cannot trust himself.

rafal wanders away from the tent, turning the tarot card he received. the card of justice. it was explained to him that he represented this card. upright, truth, clarity. reversed, it was dishonesty, unaccountability. was that his fate? in time, would he discard his truths?

he bumps into someone and the card falls to the ground. rafal sighs, bending down to grip it. ]

My apologies.

[ he picks up the card, still frowning. on a whim, he asks out loud. ]

Do you believe in fate?

( iii. flying around — dragon style )

[ there's nothing rafal enjoys more than flying.

finally having his own dragonstone, it's impossible to resist the siren call of retreating into his draconic form and take to the air. to beat his large wings and tower over the city as an omen of doom. it makes him chuckle a little. reformed he may be, rafal still believes in striking some terror in people's hearts. it affords him power.

he circles around the city, the beach and other areas of aldrip before landing in a field outside the city. rafal sits down, his tail swaying idly as he watches the scenery content. if you are brave enough, you can bother him for a conversation. ]

( iv. cafe time )

[ rafal doesn't care for bars and nightlife. the only thing he deeply enjoys are bakeries and cafes. he can always be found in one somewhere, with a mountain of sugar packets along with plates of desserts and drinks.

you can watch in horror as he dumps packet upon packet of sugar on his food, takes a bite and grimaces. ]

Not sweet enough. Not yet.

[ judge his eating habits. ]

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[ finally everything was in order. movies were found. snacks were procured. a date was picked. now all rafal had to do was wait for vash to arrive. he's still surprised the man is choosing to go through with it. considering rafal's tastes in movies.

but then again, they'll be picking one of vash's choices and rafal is sure it'll be absolutely saccharine. either way, he can bear it. a knock on the door and he goes to open it, welcoming vash in. ]

You made it.

[Ruca isn't really looking where he's going, so the moment someone bumps into him, he's quick to bow his head and apologize.]

Ah, n-no, it's all my fault! I'm sorry!

[But then there's a question.]

Fate...? [He looks up, then his expression quickly shifts into that of deep pondering.] I think... the future is something we build ourselves. If there is some predetermined fate in the world, then who decides it? And is it really set in stone?

[He can go on.]

On the other hand, it's nice to believe that some things are fate-- Ah, sorry. I'm talking too much!

[ rafal purses his lips. he agrees but . . . he is a fell dragon. he's visited alternate worlds that resembled his own. seen the patterns that befall them. so he's not entirely convinced.

he waves off the apology flippantly. ]

Think nothing of it.

So your future has never been influenced? Manipulated?

[Ruca takes a moment to think.]

In my case... it was mostly influenced by past events.

[A lot has happened because of the incomplete memories of his past life. If he remembered it all from the start, perhaps some events would be different, others never happened.]

People can also manipulate someone else's future by hiding information, deceiving or scheming.

And fate is not involved?

In bringing you to those points?

[ he's manipulated plenty of people. brought a world to its knees. he won. and he lost what is that if not fate? ]

I think... it's the choices made that are mainly responsible for bringing you to specific points.

[There's a small "hmm" noise from him, before he smiles.]

Oh, let's take my best friend. We were attending the same school, but we never met there because he was always skipping classes. We only met later, when we um... got into trouble. [Ended up in a prison cell, but shh.]

I sometimes wonder what if he didn't skip classes. Would we become friends much earlier? I guess there's no way of knowing that. In a way, the fact that we met each other in the end could also be "fate" but then again, I'd like to believe that you always have a choice.

[ hrff. he agrees completely. he would never stop being accountable for his own actions. but rafal's not sure it gives him the clarity he needs. ]

That seems like a minor thing.

Is there nothing bigger in your life?

Huh?! Um... I guess it is a minor thing...

[Something bigger? What can he possibly talk about? War? World destruction? The fact that a very unfortunate event in his past life ended up killing all the gods and twisted the world to the form it is in right now? He can't say things like that to a stronger!]

T-there are bigger things, of course! I-I'm just not sure where to start...

[He doesn't really want to talk about that.]

[ hm. curious. ]

You do not need to share if you are uncomfortable.

But what I speak of is bigger than friendships and acquaintances. What I speak is of the world and blood.

[His silent for a moment.]

My world is suffering from natural disasters and other things due to some past events. There is something that could fix it and my group is trying to obtain it. Sadly, it's in possession of someone who wishes for the world to end.

[He sighs a little.]

The fate of the world will be decided by whoever wins... but I guess that's true for any conflict, isn't it?

[The victor is the one who makes the rules.]

[ ah. no wonder. ]

I have ended a world. Everything there went silent.

[Ruca's eyes widen.]

But... why? Why did you do that?

[ rafal shrugs, laconic. he has no shame admitting this. bearing his sins is part of his change. ]

I needed power. I needed to prove myself as my father's heir. My father wished to ruin the world.

[ and sombron . . . was the only person who saw him. though rafal will never know for sure whom he saw. rafal, the hidden child or "nil" the twin of nel? ]

[Now that he has clocked what kind of Funhouse this is turning out to be (the not-very-fun kind), Tsuna has made his priority getting out. Especially since every single mirror seems to show him some sort of dark alternative to the person he wants to be. (And he would love to drown out Mukuro's laughter).

All this to say that it leads to Tsuna nearly tripping over Rafal in his mad dash for a way out. At the very least he stumbles, but amazingly manages to stay on his feet.]

Hey...Rafal? Are you okay?

[ rafal shakes his head. nil's voice rings in his ears. you know your worth.. not nil. he can't hear that from nil. the only one he loved, the only one who knew him.

nil looks at them with somber eyes. the reflection switches to a scene with rafal kneeling on the ground, "All my life I have sought to be valued . . . only to discover I was truly worthless". nel, confessing she knew the truth. rafal, waiting for the end.

except. the end was not what he expected. ]

...I see. That's unfortunate.

[Destroying a world is a horrible thing, but living to be someone's heir is something Ruca can relate to.]

It's difficult, isn't it? Living under your father's expectations.

[ rafal snorts. ]

"Difficult" would be putting it mildly.

My father had children so he could possess disposal soldiers. He pitted us against one another. If he wasn't killing us, one of my siblings would.

[For his part, Tsuna has been trying not to look at others' mirrors. That stuff, those memories, they're private and it's weird to have them on display like this. It's hard not to look though. And maybe, Tsuna understands some things now.

Of course, Rafal's not okay. But there are ways to at least change some of that.]

C'mon, we need to get out of here. This place kinda sucks.

I — I can't. I can't leave him.

[ it's nil. the only one he ever loved. his brother, his other half. and rafal failed him. nil is allowed to say it. nil is allowed to punish him.

but it hurts. it hurts to see him look at rafal like this.

[That... actually sounds far more horrible than he imagined.]

I'm sorry. You went through so much.

Dry your eyes.

It does not excuse what I've done. As you said. No fate was involved in my choices.

[A small nod.]

I hope things will work out better for you from now on. You... don't have to follow anyone's order anymore, do you?

Just one, but they're not the kind of person to give orders anyway.

[ the divine dragon is their leader. rafal can recognize their choices as good ones. ]

So... it's a kind person?

[Ruca hopes it is.]

One of the kindest. Stupidly so, at times.

They should have killed me, but chose not to.

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( open ) if we're all just cynics come undone

( closed to vash ) MOVIE DATE

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cw: video contains stabbing

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