expiationlogs | (open) i went through my list of friends and found i had no one to tell

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(open) i went through my list of friends and found i had no one to tell

Who: Ange Ushiromiya and YOU!
Where: All over Aldrip.
What: Ange is dealing with the aftermath of the Gnosia event-- and worse so than she's pretending to be.
Warnings: A chance of talk of mental illness (mostly depression, mixed in with some complex abandonment trauma) and death (in regards to the recent event).

[ It's not like Ange hasn't dealt with anything in this place, really. She's been here for over a year now, and there have been plenty of things before that really shook her to the core - especially that dumb maze from a long while ago now, and everything that had appeared in it. But the most recent event might have been the wildest thing yet. It was very reminiscent of the games back home, which sure didn't help. Even though her family might not have been on the line this time around, watching her friends be on the line was practically just as bad.

And now.. the town is normal again. And they're expected to go on like the usual.

So Ange tries to do just that - even if something threatens to fester below. ]

( a. come across ange - open to all! )

[ Maybe you're coming across one of the more quiet and empty parts of town, or maybe right outside town, where you may have found someone who set up a little shooting range - even if it's not much more than a single target standing there in an empty field or park.

The sight that might be more surprising - if you recognize the girl - is Ange standing there, holding a bow as she's staring at the target, looking rather focused. It's been a long, long time since she bothered to practice archery before giving up on it, so the sight of her doing it again is certainly new to most people. (And not inspired at all by a specific person being on her mind, what do you mean--) She pulls back the string before releasing the arrow. It flies at the target, and..

.. It only hits one of the outer rings.

The girl mutters something under her breath, her steps more like stomps as she heads over to the target to retrieve the arrow, pulling it out. As she turns around to go back to where she was standing a moment ago to perhaps go for a second attempt, she'll spot you right there. She frowns, speaking up with a: ]

What are you looking at?

[ Is she embarrassed? A little more touchy than the usual, considering she doesn't seem to be wearing her poker face or her usual emotionless tone when she spoke up like that? Who knows. ]

( b. ange comes across you - only for existing cr! )

[ For once, Ange doesn't totally isolate in the face of what happened during the event. It's almost as if she learned something, ssshh.

Which means that at some point during the days right after the town returns back to normal, you may find Ange reaching out to you if she knows you. She'll be at your door if she knows where you live, but if she doesn't, she may have sent you a text to come meet up with her at a cafe in town.

Either way, regardless of whether you're greeting her at your doorstep or in the cafe, the girl scowls and immediately starts with: ]

Everything that happens in this place is such bullshit.

[ Okay, hi, hello to you too, Ange-- ]

( ooc: feel free to hit me up with either brackets or prose, i will match! or if you'd like to wildcard this or ask for a custom starter, feel free to let me know too, i'm very flexible! )

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[ Toph hadn't had anything majorly traumatic happen to her personally, but just about everyone she knows did, so she's in a good position to listen to Ange vent. Or whatever her equivalent of petulantly making metal sculptures all over Aldrip is.

She immediately throws her hands up in the air in open agreement, no further greeting necessary. ]

You're telling me! What happened to having giant sea monsters to fight? Can we quit it with all this mind control crap?

I'd actually prefer a lack of sea monsters too.

[ After all, if they'd be getting the choice, can they just have the choice to not have any bullshit at all? That's the one Ange would like to go for, thanks. Especially since she does believe that Toph - to some extent - could handle fighting a monster like that, but she's well aware that she herself stands no chance.

So no sea monster fighting for her. Especially since lives were on the line last time around. ]

At this point it seems like they're just throwing anything deadly at us for fun. Why else would this place be trying to kill us over and over? [ Despite the fact that she is complaining - and it definitely sounds like a complaint, Ange not bothering to hide her annoyance in the slightest - it's a serious question at the same time.

Why does this keep happening? Why are there so little answers for that part of it all? ]

[ Funnily enough, Toph's mental perception of Ange is someone capable, competent, and probably accordingly dangerous. She knows she has powers that apparently include summoning demons, and that seems freaky and worth respecting. She's actually a little surprised to hear Ange would rather not have anything dangerous at all. Where's the fun in that?

But she engages in the conversation as seriously as Ange intends it. ] Didn't we already talk about this? I'm still not convinced it's on purpose. Nobody around here seems to know what they're doing.

[ Why assume malice when the answer could be incompetence?

There's a short pause before Toph asks with complete seriousness: ] You okay? Just pissed off, or is there somebody that could use some pummeling? [ They're not close friends, but Toph trusts Ange's judgment quite a bit just based on their interactions, and if she says someone deserves pummeling then she'll take it as read. ]

[ The girl lets out a frustrated little noise. ]

Yeah, whoever is in charge here, whether it's incompetence or otherwise. [ She doesn't really feel like arguing about which it is right now. Usually Ange is always in the mind when it comes to talking ~~conspiracy~~ theories about this place, but right now she's still much too annoyed and upset about everything, especially so soon after it all happened. ]

.. except there's no chance of that, huh? If only we could.

[ Apparently Ange is also not opposed to hitting something to get your anger out, despite her not making statues of herself everywhere to then destroy. ]

I'm just done with all this nonsense after over a year of it. I've tried going after absolutely every single little clue here to see if I could change anything, but it's all been useless. [ And that's so frustrating. It feels like she's forced to just sit through horrible thing after horrible thing, and there's not even a way out of it all.

Not even through death. ]

... You're really upset about this, huh?

[ Toph hadn't meant to have a whole debate about anything, she just hadn't realized how frustrated and fed up with things Ange is. She likes Ange and how little she asks for comforting normally, so Toph engages her emotional maturity to respond sensitively, commiserating. ]

I've been waiting for the right time, when it seems like I could actually do something, but it hasn't happened yet.

[ She hasn't necessarily been sanguine with their lot either. Toph is just trying to be patient about it and not make any reckless mistakes like some people around here seem to be prone to in their haste. Ange seems too sensible for that, but that doesn't mean she's having any better luck. ]

If I thought blowing up the town hall would do anything at this point, I probably would.

[ Toph is definitely right on the money with just how upset Ange is. After all, considering how much effort Ange puts into usually not showing a single emotion, it's telling that she's showing emotion at all right now - let alone the sheer amount of it by the redhead's standards.

At least it makes sense to her to rant about this to Toph. Toph actually gives a shit about everything going on here, unlike some other people from Ange's perspective. ]

Considering it turned this city into an even bigger mess last time it happened, that doesn't seem like a good idea, yeah.

[ Ange hadn't minded it when Ragna did it, because she did believe it might actually change something, but..

.. maybe not all change is great. She wonders if the entire thing they just went through was a side-effect of that too. ]

The lack of information and the lack of actual opportunities to do something sucks. I went all the way out to the desert when Tsuna suggested that, and we didn't even find anything important. [ That's how desperate Ange is to be able to do something. She's like a zoo animal that's been stuck in a cage that's too small for it for too long at this point. ]

I know. It's like we can't do anything around here!

[ Toph agrees completely. She's better at tolerating her circumstances -- she'd spent years pretending to be someone she isn't, after all, and her element is steadfast patience personified -- but that doesn't mean she isn't willing to complain about it with Ange. She's a proactive, decision person and the lack of direction can be painful to her, too. ]

I think Spock and his friend are up to something, but I don't really get what they're doing. It's all computers.

[ Technology is completely beyond her, so Toph is reduced to just hovering around making a nuisance of herself until there's something to take action on. ]

Yeah. They asked me to join. I have one of those-- things.

[ The altered communicators, she means, but if there's anything in this moment that connects Ange and Toph other than general frustration about not being able to do much-- ]

But I don't understand a lot about that either. We didn't really have technology this advanced where I come from. [ She huffs. ] And even if they had, I bet my aunt would have kept me away from it. She's just as bad as this place when it comes to locking people up.

[ There's a slight moment, and just because it's Toph, Ange actually entrusts the other with her next thought, rather than keeping it to herself. ]

It's kind of dumb how you can feel a little bit more free one moment, and then end up right where you started the next, huh.

Me, too. On both counts. [ Meaning she has a communicator and doesn't have advanced technology where she's from. ] They definitely know what they're doing so I'm just along for the ride. [ Toph isn't bothered by not understanding what they're up to. She's used to being a sidekick and as long as somebody knows what they're doing, and she trusts them, she's happy to be pointed in the right direction and let loose.

Ange seems more frustrated by it, and then she gets personal. Toph's expression furrows, concerned. She's not shy about asking for an explanation before she gets to empathizing. She hates feeling trapped, but she'd also undeniably fought herself free of it. ]

Were you... kept somewhere before you got here? I grew up really sheltered and isolated, but my parents weren't literally locking me up. [ Not that they didn't try later, but they're talking about Ange's unfortunate family history right now, not hers. ]

[ Ange pauses for a moment.

She looks over at the other girl, even if Toph may not be able to tell. There's just a moment of staring - nothing too uncomfortably long, but just a few moments long enough that it might be kind of hard for Toph to tell what she's doing, even if what Ange is doing here is just being a little baffled by the other's experience. ]

I mean.

[ Another pause. Slightly awkward this time. ]

What's your definition of 'literally locking someone up'?

[ Not that said definition shouldn't be obvious, but she's just making sure they're on the same page here. Especially when she isn't sure what Toph's own exact experience with her upbringing was. ]

... You asking for me or for you?

[ She certainly notices the long-ish awkward pause and can read into it enough to find Ange's question disturbing. ]

I could leave when I wanted to, and I did. That enough for you?

[ Her parents trying to have her kidnapped against her will is still a sensitive subject, and Toph's not going to delve into it without warning, especially not when she's really focused on listening to Ange. ]

I couldn't.

[ It's an answer and her indicating why she was asking in the first place. Yes, that answer was enough for her to be able to tell the difference - and she's sure Toph can too, just by Ange saying that.

She's glad though. Toph probably would be less.. Toph-like if she hadn't been able to leave at all. If she had practically been her family's prize cattle the way Ange had been. ]

I spent years and years at home. Then years and years at an isolated boarding school. [ There's a weird mixture of emotions in Ange's tone. She sounds a little awkward, yet at the same time like she's really trying to keep up a brave tone about this one. Like she doesn't want to sound weird in front of the other girl. ] I couldn't leave even if I'd try.

[ Toph's parents genuinely, sincerely love her and she's never doubted that. It's given her an appreciation that the form love can take isn't always good. It can be conditional; it can be oppressive. But she believes her parents do love her. What Ange is describing seems... different.

She has her own quiet pause before she responds, processing that. She can tell Ange feels sensitive about admitting it, and decides to deliberately tell some of the more sensitive details of her own story in exchange, to hopefully help her feel better about what she's shared. ]

I was born blind, and my parents thought they needed to protect me from everything. They didn't let me leave our estate and they didn't let me do anything strenuous. [ She trusts Ange knows her well enough by now to understand what a burden this was on Toph, how much it utterly smothered her personality. ] When I left, I ran away. They hired mercenaries to kidnap me and drag me back home. I had to invent metalbending to escape.

[ There's some evident pain in her voice, but also a wry understanding that she'd been lucky in a certain way. ]

But I did get to leave. I get it -- I get what that's like, at least a little. Feeling like I'm trapped still makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

...

[ She hesitates.

There's so much she could say here. So much Ange could clarify, because the feeling is a little bit different for her - though the way Toph describes it very much suits her personality. Indeed, Ange can easily imagine why it was such a problem for Toph in particular. She's practically the antithesis of being locked up anywhere.

But it's hard. Even with Toph sharing her story, even though Ange is pretty sure the other girl wouldn't make fun of her-- It's hard.

Maybe that's why she doesn't get into it right away, instead opting to say: ]

They hired mercenaries, of all things? [ Yes, sure, Toph is a little too strong to get caught by something more ordinary, but even if her parents love her, that seems a little.. wild. ] Couldn't they just.. you know, try to talk to you or something? Communicate? You're still their kid, not some random prisoner.

They didn't want to accept that I could make that kind of decision on my own. They thought Aang took me -- like that's possible.

[ Toph grimaces, trying to smile in something like acceptance and falling flat. She wants to be past this, but it still hits too close to home. It still hurts. Last time she saw her dad, he refused to acknowledge her. ]

I think they've figured out now that I did it myself, and it's not, uh, making it better.

[ But that's enough about her. Unfortunately for Ange, Toph is indeed well-adjusted and has adequate social skills despite her backstory. That's more Toph's indomitable personality than anything, but the point stands that she knows this is supposed to be a give and take; she shares her story, then Ange shares hers. ]

What about you? Come on, this is the part where you get to complain. [ Toph companionably gives her a little shove to encourage her. No one's personal space is sacred to Toph. ]

[ It's saying something that Ange isn't even remarking anything about the shove. Not so much about what Ange feels about Toph or anything - but more how she feels about this conversation, and it suddenly being turned back around towards her. She's too busy thinking about her own story and what to even say about it to really focus on the shove itself.

Hence why Ange is quiet even for a moment afterwards, until she settles on a point to start at. ]

.. my family died when I was six. They all went to a family conference without me, and something mysterious happened there that killed them all. Only my aunt came back, so since we were each other's only remaining living relatives, she was forced to adopt me. [ Ange doesn't look at the other girl when she speaks. She knows she could, that it's not like Toph can actually look back at her, but there's something too awkward about focusing on another person while she says this, regardless of their sight.

Instead she just stares at some point between them. ]

She hated it. No-- She hated me. She yelled at me every single day. She scolded me for every single thing I did, and often hit me as well. Aunt Eva acted like it was my fault that her own family was taken away from her as well during that mysterious incident. [ Ange's tone has an odd quality to it. It sounds like she's trying really hard to sound unaffected, like she's just reading some news headline, but there's something more awkward filtered in it for anyone who's listening closely. ] I guess my punishment for that was me not being allowed to be around anyone but her.

[ There is something that feels less vulnerable about looking away from someone as you speak -- not that Toph knows the difference. Body language, posture, heart rate and breathing are all as evident to her as ever. She can tell Ange is affected and trying not to be. It's a deeply upsetting history, so of course she's affected, but maybe she hasn't figured out yet that it's okay to admit it upsets her. Not with everyone, of course, but with friends.

Her story reminds her both of Aang and of Zuko. Aang, losing his whole family, his whole society, in one fell swoop; and Zuko, growing up with a father who told him constantly that he was never going to be good enough. Toph has never been right for her parents but she's always been enough. She's always had them. She thinks back on how they got on this topic before she responds. ]

... Maybe you're trapped here, Ange, but you're not alone.

[ Toph lurches forward and wraps her in a hug, unhesitating, unself-conscious. ]

We're friends, [ she declares into her shirt. ] And if anyone yells at you, I'll kick their ass.

[ Ange doesn't move away from the sudden hug. But she doesn't immediately reciprocate it either - just standing there, almost frozen, confused. Like she didn't see this coming.

Sure, she didn't Toph was a bad person at all, but.. she didn't take her to be this type either. The type to just brazenly hug someone, to say stuff like this so easily. For a moment Ange has no idea how to deal with it, especially when she never got this from anyone back in her own world. How does one reply to such an easy offer of-- of friendship, of care, of protection?

Her throat suddenly feels tight, and her eyes start to feel like they're burning, and at the first sting of tears in her eyes Ange mentally curses herself as she bends her head, slowly also moving her own arms around the other girl in return. ]

That's-- [ She sounds choked up, like it's hard to even talk. ]

.. this is stupid. [ This, in turn, sounds like she doesn't really mean it.

Like Toph has hit on something that's way too true - that Ange has never learned that it's okay to admit to something upsetting you, not even when it's something this big. When it has seeped so deep into your bones that it hurts you on the daily. ]

It's-- it's fine. I mean.. People disappear here all the time. And sooner or later I'll go home, and then I'll be alone again. [ It's almost like she's rambling to herself more than to Toph, despite holding onto the other girl. ] That's just-- That's just how it is.

[ She has to be fine with that. It's what she taught herself a long time ago, since it was the only way to survive. ]

[ In a certain sense, Toph doesn't truly understand hopelessness or depression. She's an obstinate font of willpower in the same way that you can't convince a mountain to be something else, or go anywhere but where it is. She also hasn't experienced personal betrayal or hardship on a level that would erode her essential determined belief that she has agency. Maybe she can't control everything, but she can control something. She's not helpless -- in fact, Toph's sense of self is deeply dependent on not being helpless.

Although that means she can't entirely empathize with Ange, it also means she is steady as a rock for leaning on. Her hug is tight and emphatic. She doesn't give out friendship carelessly, but she doesn't withhold it when it's warranted, either. And she likes Ange. She trusts her. She's known her for months now, and she's been sensible and consistent and kind in her own gruff way -- a way Toph feels kinship with, in fact -- so why hold back? ]

I say we're friends and I'll kick someone's ass for you, and you're immediately figuring out how to deal with it after I'm gone? [ Toph complains, scoffing. It's a good-natured scoff, the same way she tolerantly puts up with Sokka catastrophizing or Katara insisting on trying to talk something out.

Toph pulls back but keeps one arm around her at waist height. ]

How about we take like a whole second to focus on being right here, where we both currently are?

I think you'd be surprised at the momentary nature of the current moment. [ Ange says - a little bit of a grumble, or at least an attempt at one, but it sounds way too embarrassed to fully be just that.

It's clear that she's still trying to find a way to deal with anything Toph is saying and the way Ange feels about it. Even more so when she doesn't want to bring up what's making her say stuff like this in the first place. You don't tell your cool friend you have an abandonment complex that's a mile long, especially when you often do your best to also seem cool in all circumstances. It's not how this works.

Ange's facial expression is therefore pretty complicated when Toph pulls back. She's a little glad the other can't see, but Toph seems observant enough in her own way that Ange feels like maybe Toph caught on all the same that she's embarrassed and a little more upset than she'd like to be right now all the same.

She swallows, breathes, lets go of the other a little and then manages to say without sounding completely pathetic: ]

.. My friends tend to die real quick.

[ That feels better. Just stating objective reality as the reason for her feelings, rather than the complex that has been developed because of it. It makes it sound a little less like she's pathetic. ]

[ In certain ways like she'd alluded to earlier, Toph has lead a very sheltered life. She's never experienced true tragic loss like what Ange is talking about, never had a real betrayal, either. So she's surprised -- shocked and horrified, really, by Ange's response that her friends tend to die.

Toph swallows hard against the emotion and leans in to give her another quick hug just as hard. ]

Ange-- [ Her voice turns soft, suddenly obviously young and girlish as opposed to her usual brash tone. ] That's so messed up.

[ She can't reassure her. She can't promise she won't die or disappear. Even if they weren't stuck here, Toph wouldn't be able to do that; however sheltered she is, she understands war, she knows loss happens to people unpredictably and without rationality or reason. But she can name it for what it is: awful. She doesn't have to pretend Ange should be unaffected by it. ]

You finally got out and met people, and then they died?

[ Toph is young.

They're both young. It's not something Ange often thinks of, when it feels like her eightteen lived years were more like a thousand, and when Toph is so good at acting all tough and capable, but it's something she's reminded of a lot in this moment. Ange feels lost when talking about this, and Toph sounds a little lost too.

How could they ever hope to solve the problem that is Ange's dumpster fire of a life? It's only in this moment that Ange realizes Toph is trying to solve it in the ways she can - with affection. With being kind, in her own way. With offers of taking her away from it.

It makes her only appreciate it more. Even as Ange answers, quietly: ]

Dead. Disppeared. [ It doesn't sound like those two are the same thing - like she's talking about separate instances. ] In this place it's more often the latter. Sometimes people here say they want to be friends with me, and then whatever's behind this place just..

[ She's quiet for a moment, and then adds: ]

.. takes them away.

[ It might explain some of her reluctance when it comes to the whole friendship deal. It's hard to keep believing in it when you keep losing it. Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke, especially when she considers the crime this place decided she's here for. ]

[ Toph is trying to help, feels unequal to the task -- not a familiar feeling for her -- but is determined to try anyway. That's what you do for friends, who are people who accept you wholly as you are, unlike family. In a funny way, Ange's story tracks completely with Toph's general worldview, except for the part where it always ends dismally, tragically. That doesn't seem right. It seems like there should be a glimmer of hope in there, somehow. ]

Well-- [ She falters momentarily, then suddenly gains strength, sounding much more like herself again. ] I can't promise I won't die or disappear, but I can make you something. Even if I'm gone eventually, it doesn't mean I was never here.

[ Toph herself has a steadfastness similar to the earth itself, an enduring solidness that defies change. Maybe she'll leave sometime, beyond her control, but her feelings for Ange won't change inherently just because she isn't here to express them.

She steps back and takes Ange's hand in her own insistently. ]

I have an idea. Let's go find a jewelry store. Don't argue with me, just come on! [ She pulls at her to take off immediately, already anticipating Ange wanting to stand around and wallow in emotion rather than doing something about it, which is the Toph special. ]

.. w-what?

[ Toph is totally right about the fact that Ange isn't really capable of taking action about all the complicated things she's feeling in this moment. Which means that when the younger girl starts tugging on her arm like that, Ange falls into step, but with the sort of motion and facial expression that makes it pretty clear she's surprised. That she didn't expect this to end with something actually actionable.

Few things in her life ever have. It's the problem of being a victim of circumstance, rather than of your own actions. There's very little you can ever change about it on a personal level.

Except Toph is doing that now. She's doing-- something? Hold on, due to the surprise it takes a moment or two longer for things to click together into Ange's mind, even though she's already walking after the other girl. ]

You want to get something at a jewelry store? [ Of all places?? Toph, what are you doing! Ange isn't familiar enough with the concept of friendship to keep up with this that quickly!! ]

[ However similar some of the details of their circumstances, Toph and Ange remain very different people. Toph has never passively accepted anything in her life, and she's not about to now. Being patient, having the grace to wait and listen for just the right moment, that's not about acceptance or giving up. It's about being able to hold in her mind the whole time what it is she's waiting for, a sustained isometric contraction, a particular kind of strength unlike the norm.

She can't make things better for Ange, can't change the circumstances of her life, but she can do whatever is in her power. She tugs Ange along insistently at a fast clip, aiming unerringly for where she can feel a collection of delicate twisted metal shapes on display. ]

Yeah -- I want you to pick out whatever metal looks good to you -- don't worry, I'm loaded, it doesn't matter. [ Putting all that casino money to good use! ] Not the actual jewelry but the metal, okay? And pick one little gemstone that you like with it.

Edited 2024-10-28 23:32 (UTC)

(open) i went through my list of friends and found i had no one to tell

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cw: (vague) suicidal ideation in narration!

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cw: talk of physical and verbal child abuse

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