expiationlogs | ( closed ) the moment man devoured the fruit of knowledge, he sealed his fate.

Who: Ryoji and Various.
Where: All across Aldrip.
What: Some closed starters for the Gnosia event!
Warnings: General death and violence, incineration, assisted suicide/suicide, choking, ego death. Will update as it progresses!

This revelation does not come with fanfare. This is one that comes as subtle epiphany, like remembering to fetch your clothes from the laundromat or realizing you forgot to water your plants for the day. This is waking up and realizing something that has been there all along, something that has always existed inside you.

For Ryoji, it is a purpose. He doesn’t know where it comes from or why it is, only that it is ingrained in the fibers of his existence this entire time. It is instinct, a compulsion he cannot fight against — it is not a choice, or a quirk of personality. An instrument is only capable of fulfilling the purpose it has been given.

Nothing has to change, because everything is as how it has always been. As it should be. His regained dark wings remain tucked away, until the moment is at hand.

Humanity yearns for salvation. And he has been born to grant their final wish.

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[Ryoji's muttered response is hard to hear through the screen but Fandaniel catches it.]

Oh, your answer is hardly a surprise. I'm disappointed.

...The truth, then.

[His gaze sharpens into a glare as he looks the screen over. A mask of theatricality falls away, leaving his expression cold and empty.

How can he phrase the truth? A simple "Yes" could suffice but it isn't entirely accurate either, is it?]

To say I like it is a bit much. But life itself is nothing more than a vector for pain and suffering!

Anything I do is white noise against the curse of existence. I'd might as well embrace the theater of it, yes?

[The silence following his words seems to drag on for an eternity before the screen rings in approval, acknowledging the "yes" buried in the answer.

Fandaniel waves a hand through the air and paces as the screen shifts over to a new question.

WHO HURT YOU THE MOST?]

My. [The Ascian groans.] Airing out our dirty laundry in public, are we?

What is the point of this senseless torture?

Perhaps, by making us confide our secrets to one another, they hope that we could form a connection…In a time where we distrust one another? It doesn’t make sense, does it?

[Somehow, the elaboration is easier for Ryoji to stomach than a mere yes — even if he doesn’t necessarily agree with it.]

You’re right — life is full of suffering and partings. But doesn’t that make the happier moments all the more significant? If everything hurts and nothing changes, then it would all just be an unending haze of the same thing.

[It’s a futile struggle, he knows, but to try and swim against the current is what it means to live…right? There’s no use to bring up morals, so he thinks of it with a different perception. Whether Fandaniel wants to engage in such debate is up to him. Ryoji knows it would take more than this to change someone’s mind.

Best to focus on the next question, but…Ryoji furrows his brow.]

I’m not sure. Everyone has been nice to me.

[His first thought was that horrible hot springs incident — sure, the ‘execution’ definitely hurts, but is it really the most hurtful thing that has happened to him?

He tries, anyway.] Mitsuru-san?

[The screen glows red.]

Aigis-chan?

[Red. Wrong, once again.]

…You might want to answer first. I need to think harder for this one.

[Fandaniel shakes his head and waves a hand through the air, dismissing Ryoji's comments. Moments of joy and hope die quickly, sinking into the endless void of despair.

They are too fleeting, too meaningless to make life worthwhile. In his long existence, Fandaniel has never felt that joy shaped him or his experience in the world. Pain, however... Pain is a prism that bends, warps, and refracts everything it touches. Pain consumes. It has consumed him and through its prism, he's seen the truth: To live is to suffer. So why live at all?

When Ryoji mercifully moves on to the question, he starts pacing again. The boy cycles through a few unfamiliar names before saying he needs to think more about it.]

Ah.

[Fandaniel drags gloved hands down his face and giggles. His expression eases back into one of grim amusement.]

Ahahahaha....

Who has hurt me the most? Who indeed?

[There are a few answers he could give. Emet-Selch, who embraced him then turned a blind eye to his suffering. Elidibus and his constant nagging?

No, the answer is deeper than that.]

Hermes.

[He doesn't elaborate.

Instead, he quietly clasps his hands against the small of his back and waits until the screen dings in acceptance.]

How nice it must be for this question to be so difficult to answer.

Do try not to take too long thinking about it.

[Fandaniel sure is an intriguing guy. Somewhat his statements provide more questions than answers. Who is Hermes? He wants to ask that, but something tells Ryoji that Fandaniel would never give him a straight answer.

So he tries another angle:] Did he betray you?

[It's a shot in the dark, but it makes sense with everything he knows about the other man. The cynicism, the way he has given up for a consistent light in the darkness. Nobody could be so negative without their aspirations being broken down like that.]

You don't need to answer that. [His chuckle sound hollow to his ears.] That's not part of this questionnaire, after all.

[Curiously enough, Fandanel's answer is what gives him a hint to his own conundrum. Ryoji has been betrayed before, after all - just in a way nobody else knew. Because there has been something he has been running away from, before the Gnosia forced him to confront it.]

...It's myself.

[The confirming ding that comes from his screen sounds like a death knell.]

["Did he betray you?"

Fandaniel doesn't answer, the edge of his lips merely twitch upward in a cruel smirk as he watches Ryoji respond to the machine.]

Yourself?

You are more interesting than I thought. Ha!

[Before he can ask any follow up questions the screen between them shifts and asks one of its own.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?]

My, my, my, what a nosy contraption!

[Every question seems more barbed and dangerous than the last, forcing Fandaniel to reveal personal truths he's always kept buried beneath multiple layers of carefully forged masks. Across his countless centuries of existence, his schemes have relied on his thespian antics. People around him only glimpsed the facets of his personality he allowed them to see.

How is he supposed to find a way home if he is forced to reveal how monstrous and wretched he truly is?

Ah... Maybe he can weasel his way out of an answer here.]

I for one am most afraid that this moment will never end and I shall be forced to shed my secrets to this child.

Surely, I am in a ring of the Seven Hells.

[An aching silence as his answer is processed, then glaring red beams into his eyes.

No, while revealing himself is something he fears, it isn't what he fears the most and somehow this mysterious device knows this.

He howls in laughter, twirls in place, then lands with one hand against his heart and the other extended toward the screen. Beneath his hood his eyes blaze in hatred and through gritted, bared teeth he sneers...]

Hohoho, there is no fooling you.

My answer, of course, is life.

[Life which fills the world with ugly colors, annoying sounds, and the rancid odor of decay. Life which, for him, seems to go on for eternity. Should his Final Days fail, should he endure--

The screen dings in acceptance and Fandaniel holds his pose like a deranged statue.]

( closed ) the moment man devoured the fruit of knowledge, he sealed his fate.

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cw: suicidal ideation

ryoji didn't take that long....me on the other hand...

August came on harsh