expiationlogs | I am a Shadow, the true self [open]

TEXT POST
SENDER:

narukami
Looking for an opponent who can put up a decent fight.
No holds barred. Any weapons or powers ok.
Don't hold back or I'll decimate you.

[There's an image attached with a map location pinned on it.]

[Most messages on the network post just get left on read, but somehow, Yu is at the location --a large park near the center of town-- no matter when any opponent shows up.

Friends or acquaintances might notice something very, very wrong with the way Yu carries himself, here. There's a certain amount of bravado in his posture; a cocky swagger, as if he thinks he's the hottest shit in the world. There's also the wide, curving smirk pulling across his face.

And the eyes. Yellow, faintly glowing.

Strangers? They probably won't have the slightest hint that something isn't right.

ooc note: this shadow will 100% be fighting to HURT as much as possible. he can be stopped by knockout, or by knocking out an opponent]

(he isn't coming to fight - he's done fighting yu, at least with fists and kicks. instead, that message made his heart nearly drop from his chest, the words too familiar - almost like him. it's fine when manjiro does it, he's always been like this, but yu? hardly so. babu had never roared so loudly, the engine working overtime, overheating through unlevelled terrain as he ran his motorcycle to the gym at the club building as fast as he possibly could.

concern is all over his face once he does arrive, not too long after the message is sent, although the noise of his bike might as well have stated his approach. he jumps off and runs right towards the building, searching, searching-- until his gaze falls onto something he has never seen.

... he does not like it.

yu couldn't be there for mikey, because mikey never allowed it. he won't let yu make the same mistake.)

I ain't gon fight you, we both know that ain't a good idea, and this? Also not a good idea. C'mon, you coming with me and sleeping whatever the fuck this is off. Did you take something?

Edited 2024-07-11 13:08 (UTC)

[Crouched where he is on the bleachers, the Shadow watches and waits. He has no idea if anyone will show --people are cowards, after all-- but the wicked curve of his smile sharpens as the door opens. Even more as he realizes who it is. Sword slung over his shoulder, he approaches with a sauntering gait, head held high as he looks down on Mikey.]

Of all people, I wasn't expecting you to show your face.

[The smirk remains for only another moment. It's hard to say precisely what changes; maybe it's Mikey's words. Maybe it's something internal. Whatever the case, the smirk falls away, revealing an expression of disdain, defiance, loathing.

You bastard.
What gives you the right?
You think you can control me?
You'll never bring me down again.
I could kill you.
Maybe I should kill you.

He doesn't move, for now, but his stance is rock solid, his feet planted firmly, as if they've grown roots. He is, at the moment, an immovable object. Maybe they'll see whether Mikey is enough of an unstoppable force to do anything about it.]

I'm not going anywhere, especially not with you. You can fight me, or you can get the hell out.

[His tone is acid laced with honey; the smoothness of someone who feels an unbridled confidence in his own abilities, and the viciousness of someone who wants to burn the world. Sickly yellow eyes watch the other boy, waiting to see what he's going to do about it.]

Then this version of you is an imbecile.

(scared is not the exact word. manjiro has never had a problem with pain, with violence, he accepts them and approves of the soreness in his muscles, in his skin, open wounds and bleeding hearts in a battle.

he has never backed out from a fight, this wouldn't be what he does now. concerned is the best descriptor - clearly, yu's different. in some ways, he can't help but think he can understand it way too well, he's not himself, and when he is, manjiro would hate for him to have done something he regrets - like manjiro does.

if he is to hurt someone, might as well be him. this is also a type of strength manjiro could never shed, no matter how old he gets, no matter how many things life throws at his way. he can sacrifice himself, so that others can live well.

his steps are decisive, until he comes to bend way too close to yu's face, hands gripping on the bleacher edges so he can cage the man between his arms. his eyes stare right at the yellow glow, and this...

is not right.)

I didn't fucking ask you to. You're going with me, and it's end of story. You'll do something you'll regret, do you really want a walk a mile in my shoes? Don't make me drag you.

[They're so close that they're sharing the same air, but that is not enough; the Shadow grabs a fistful of Mikey's shirt, dragging them closer, nose-to-nose. Venom drips from every word as he hisses,] You can't make me do anything.

[Then he lets go, pushing back against the other boy's chest as he does. The smirk returns, knife-sharp, as he unfolds and steps off of the bleachers, his steps heavy with a confidence that borders on too much.

No one can make him do anything.]

Last chance, [he says, acidic, yellow eyes turning back on Mikey for another moment.] If you're not here to fight, then you're in my way...

[But clearly that wasn't enough of a warning for him, last time. Clearly, he needs some stronger messaging, here. It's hard to say exactly what changes, here; the quality of the air becomes tense, electric, and something about him starts to feel more imposing, as if his shadow is lengthening.

It's power. He's radiating pure, uncontrolled power.]

... And the only story that's ending here will be yours.

Edited 2024-07-12 20:55 (UTC)

(his gaze matches - disobedient, cutting, and the fact he's being pulled does nothing to break the stance, much less when he's pulled. part of him wonders - is this how he sounds like, how he is, because it is not a great look... on yu, that is, on him it's great!

a different taste in the air, he can smell it, he can feel it in his skin, his veins, and on the way those words sound. it's not good at all. seems like he won't have an option, and there's nothing he could loathe more, but there's no way he will allow yu to go through what he is going through. with his knuckles pressed against his jaw, he cracks them, one hand, another hand, and his neck.

he's unmoving.)

[Something flares in this Shadow: temper, disdain, maybe even distantly some sort of pain. This boy dares to stand in his way? He dares to talk down, threatens to remove him, and then does nothing? So, too, does he rage at the reversal of their roles: Mikey, now the immovable object, and him?

Well. He's always been unstoppable.

Fine. If Mikey won't move, then he will, and he does so with deadly precision. He draws his sword and surges forward, swiping at the other boy. It's a little bit of a toying move, to be honest; if Mikey won't move, then the Shadow will make him.]

(the boy will always stand for what he finds right - and whether it truly is right, well, that isn't important right now. nothing would ever make his chest less puffed, his chin lifted, his eyes following each movement yu dares to make.

he's been on the other side of this, it's miserable, excruciating when one's mind returns to it's natural state and there are shattered pieces to put together. even worse when there's that moment in which they must accept the fact that, not only were they capable of it, but they did it.

may it be manjiro. he's been around death too often, dead himself, that the fact he might die again doesn't bring any chills to his spine. 'invincible' is a fantasy here, with all these people, all these powers, and yet, let it be him instead of someone who deserves it less. may it be him, not yosuke, not scott, not anyone else who might be so pure of heart that they will die for listening to the delusions they could bring yu home.

it might even be poetic. a life for a life where there's no death.

the sword is a dick move, he'll tell him when the opportunity to laugh about it arises. the swiping only scratches his stomach, and uncaring about his hand, he'll reach for the sword's blade to attempt to bend it and deem it unusable.)

Edited (icon lmao) 2024-07-25 18:30 (UTC)

[A life for a life. It's only fair. It's only right.

This Shadow is a tangle of thoughts and feelings, deeply hidden and finally free. The notion that he is better, that he is superior-- a deeply-held anger-- resentment stemming from circumstance and misery. He is angry above all else; so, so angry, and Mikey spurs that feeling on even more.

How can he be here?

How can he be so calm?

How dare he think this is a fight that he could win??

Ego and temper flare in tandem as the other boy has the nerve not just to dodge, but to try to grab his blade. He pivots at the last moment, putting the blade out of reach, and slams an elbow out, aiming to push Mikey back.]

You know this is fucking ridiculous? Drop the sword and kill me with your two bare hands, this is some weak coward shit. It disgusts me.

(he was ready for a pain that doesn't come, after all, completely compliant with the fact that his hand would be out of commission for the rest of this fight, but it'd be worth it. he doesn't think yu has the same connection, the same dance manjiro has with death. to choke him would most likely take more out of yu, he figures.

he feels the elbow, might have bruised or maybe shattered something. it hurts, but it does nothing to move him. instead, he just opens his arms, as to invite the violence, even if it stings.)

Are you weak, Yuchin?

Edited 2024-07-25 18:51 (UTC)

[A coward. This asshole called him a coward. Are you weak? Of course he's not. The nerve, the audacity--

(he is a coward-- he's spent so long running from people that he doesn't know how to stop-- so afraid to face his true self that he doesn't show it to anyone-- so afraid of his own Shadow that he never sought it out-- of course he's a coward, he's always been a coward, and he always will be a coward, and he doesn't know how to be anything else)

The smirk becomes a snarl. When he speaks again, it's with a strange double effect, as if many voices are speaking through him at once.]

So you wanna see my true power?

[The Shadow doesn't really give any time to answer; that true power surges forth as soon as the words are out of his mouth. But rather than summoning a Persona, he almost seems to merge with Izanagi's true form, who becomes tainted; enveloped in shadows.]

I'll show you power!

[He raises a fist and lightning strikes from the sky in terrible bursts. They're not fast, but they are strong and intermittent, making it more of a challenge to dodge them.]

(he wasn't sure what to expect - as per usual, persona business goes over his head, and it's not like all the different people in here come with a manual. he knows what he is told, and this is something he doesn't recall being told, and even if he did, he'd probably file it under 'will deal with it when time comes'. if his kicks aren't invincible, his stubbornness certainly is.

his face will remain with the same expression, although inside, there's turmoil. is this hurting yu in any way? is he going to be okay? is this... permanent, if it gets to this point? none of the thoughts come near manjiro's own well-being.

the lightning is unexpected, as all is, but thankfully, being small and fast has always been part of his fighting kit, he manages to dodge them but he's definitely not immune to how they seem to cackle against his skin, an uncomfortable feeling that gives a slight sense of paralysis.

it's harder to jump like this, his spin-kick not carrying the same angle, the same strength, so he misjudged the level of impulse he needs - causing him to land on the floor, a small crack forming from the sheer force.

he hates this super-strength bullshit.)

That's not power, dumbass. That's overcompensating. Now it's more pathetic.

You're trying to piss me off, [the Shadow says, still in that strange double-voice. If there is a hint of Yu Narukami within the Shadow, it doesn't show; his face is a mask of smug contempt, shadows swirling around him.] ... It won't work.

[But it does, though, and that word sneaks into his mind like a disease.

Pathetic.

Even as he reaches out with those tendrils of shadow, as they become real and tangible and start to rake at Mikey's feet and legs.

Pathetic.

Even as they try to grasp at him, to pull him down in some kind of despairing abyss. The Thousand Curses made manifest, or some twisted iteration of them, echoing with distant horrified screams as they claw at the boy.

My friends are my strength.

As long as I had them, I knew I would be okay.

... pathetic.]

Of course, it does. You love me. You care what I think.

(and unfortunately, both know that he means it. he doesn't attribute any of what he says to the man he loves, but to this version of him that appeared before him? he will say it. he remembers that conversation, now. the shadows-- is that it? a shadow? the worst parts of yu blended together into one?

... accept. he said accept.

If it was rejected by the person it belonged to, it'd go berserk. I don't know if it was the same, but...it was a reminder that everyone has darkness in them. Things they want to hide. Feelings they wish they didn't have.

is it a fight that he can win with fists, though? he doesn't think so. god, he hates this place so hard sometimes. he decides not to move, as shitty, uncomfortable, painful as it is, sticking his hands into his pockets to show he won't make a move. for what he's about to say, yu definitely deserves to hit him as payback. it's only fair.

no idea whether it will work, but he has to try. his rib is starting to make it harder to pull in air, and he sinks his heels onto the floor to avoid being pulled too fast. yu's going to have to deal with his strength if that's the deal.)

And that's the problem, isn't it? Do you think you deserve to be loved back, Yuchin? All that time alone. No one ever saw you, right? And now, they do. And because we do, aren't you scared you'll end up all alone again? Empty?

[You love me. You care what I think.

He wants to argue that he doesn't. He wants to snarl and sneer that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because he is what he is: a grand island, alone, unconquered, a winner. the best. It doesn't matter if he's loved or hated because none of it lasts; the thing that lasts forever is the victory, the ability to come out on top. To win. To always be okay.

Because he is.

And yet, the wail of the curses tapers off, fades away into the background. The shadow tendrils remain, but they're motionless as Mikey delivers one staggering blow after another.

Alone. Empty.

Do you think you deserve to be loved back?

The air is silent as he says those words, as they echo off the walls, bouncing back like a devastating shot. The Shadow is motionless for a moment, his expression twisted and stunned, as if those words were a physical blow that he has to shake off. Each syllable, each breath, is a well-placed chip at the arrogance in this creature, every word ringing true in a way that he can never un-hear. Because he's right. Every word of it is right.

Mikey doesn't even know how right.]

You don't get it. Everything I am is a reflection of other people. None of it is real.

[I am you.] I am empty. I always will be. [And you are me.]

(oh, thank god. it feels like something he said had some effect, it's confirming that it's not a fight for the invincible mikey, but instead, for manjiro sano. it is starting to feel painful to walk, with the rib shatter, with the ache in his muscles, with the stinging of the small wound on his stomach.

even so, his steps are no less decisive as he moves towards the shadow.)

We are all reflections of other people. They make us who we are. If I can't be alone, Yuchin, you can't be alone either - but I understand why you can feel that way. It's okay to feel lonely and scared to lose all you've built.

(he definitely might die.

arms wrap around the shadow, fearlessly. a hug, a proof that-- yu can never be alone.)

I'm here. You can't ever be alone again.

[In his mind's eye, he is two. One, the Shadow, all monstrous snarls and yellow eyes. It's hunched forward and breathing heavily, as if it lost this battle. Maybe it did, in a way.

The other, him, Yu, and he realizes in this moment how hard it is to face the most loathsome parts of yourself. How difficult it is just to look at it. Don't look away, he had said once, to Rise. Now...he feels the slightest pang of shame for those words, knowing what a struggle they could be. How deeply terribly hard it is just to look at this part of himself.

And yet.

For a long time...I thought that if people saw "a real me," they would realize nothing was there. That they would leave me when they realized I wasn't worth it; that I was just faking everything.

I thought...how could I be a leader, when there was nothing there?

It's okay to feel scared.

He exhales, his arms sliding gently around the other boy. His eyes flutter, the golden color draining from them.]

... I was afraid people would leave. If I wasn't strong enough, if they couldn't depend on me... [You're part of me. I'm sorry I shut you away.

After a moment, he starts, as if very suddenly realizing--] Mikey. Shit. I didn't mean to... I'm so sorry. Here--

[His hand is a little shaky, but he summons Kikuri-Hime without too much trouble, and starts a healing spell.]

I know.

(it's a similar fear that he has, and it's known to yu now. mikey has told him why, how, and the reason he can't shake it. that feeling that you can't be the person you must be, you must be strong, you must endure, you must just keep going. it comes back to bite them in the ass, ergo, what they've both experienced.

he feels the ribs return to a single piece, the wound close and yet leave a scar, the legs that had been numb returning lost feeling.

he'll tip toe to look at yu from a better angle, to gently move his bangs away so he can take a look at those irises, and he chuckles a little.)

I'm the last person you owe an apology to... And I don't plan on ever leaving you, so get used to not being alone already, you dumbass.

[At least it worked. Yu exhales as the wounds close up, relieved, maybe still reeling from the realization of what just happened.

He's okay. He's always okay, of course; it's become a way of life, more than an obligation, but it still feels like a necessity. He remains still and focused as Mikey approaches, as he sweeps his bangs to one side. The ease with which the other boy smiles, laughs...it should probably feel a lot harder than it is, but he finds the corner of his mouth upturning as well. Mikey has that effect on people, and he's not immune to it by any stretch.]

Easier said than done. [Not being alone.] I'm working on it. Just-- it just takes-- ...some time--

[It's halfway through his words that the tension leaves him, but more than that, most of his strength seems to evaporate. He sinks to his knees slowly, as if he's suddenly realized he's too exhausted to stand. That-- is actually a fairly accurate description. No wonder the others had all taken so long to recover after they faced their Shadows.]

... sorry. Give me a few minutes.

we don't have the time to sleep;

oops now its slightly wildcardish

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