expiationlogs | I am a Shadow, the true self [open]

You're trying to piss me off, [the Shadow says, still in that strange double-voice. If there is a hint of Yu Narukami within the Shadow, it doesn't show; his face is a mask of smug contempt, shadows swirling around him.] ... It won't work.

[But it does, though, and that word sneaks into his mind like a disease.

Pathetic.

Even as he reaches out with those tendrils of shadow, as they become real and tangible and start to rake at Mikey's feet and legs.

Pathetic.

Even as they try to grasp at him, to pull him down in some kind of despairing abyss. The Thousand Curses made manifest, or some twisted iteration of them, echoing with distant horrified screams as they claw at the boy.

My friends are my strength.

As long as I had them, I knew I would be okay.

... pathetic.]

Of course, it does. You love me. You care what I think.

(and unfortunately, both know that he means it. he doesn't attribute any of what he says to the man he loves, but to this version of him that appeared before him? he will say it. he remembers that conversation, now. the shadows-- is that it? a shadow? the worst parts of yu blended together into one?

... accept. he said accept.

If it was rejected by the person it belonged to, it'd go berserk. I don't know if it was the same, but...it was a reminder that everyone has darkness in them. Things they want to hide. Feelings they wish they didn't have.

is it a fight that he can win with fists, though? he doesn't think so. god, he hates this place so hard sometimes. he decides not to move, as shitty, uncomfortable, painful as it is, sticking his hands into his pockets to show he won't make a move. for what he's about to say, yu definitely deserves to hit him as payback. it's only fair.

no idea whether it will work, but he has to try. his rib is starting to make it harder to pull in air, and he sinks his heels onto the floor to avoid being pulled too fast. yu's going to have to deal with his strength if that's the deal.)

And that's the problem, isn't it? Do you think you deserve to be loved back, Yuchin? All that time alone. No one ever saw you, right? And now, they do. And because we do, aren't you scared you'll end up all alone again? Empty?

[You love me. You care what I think.

He wants to argue that he doesn't. He wants to snarl and sneer that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because he is what he is: a grand island, alone, unconquered, a winner. the best. It doesn't matter if he's loved or hated because none of it lasts; the thing that lasts forever is the victory, the ability to come out on top. To win. To always be okay.

Because he is.

And yet, the wail of the curses tapers off, fades away into the background. The shadow tendrils remain, but they're motionless as Mikey delivers one staggering blow after another.

Alone. Empty.

Do you think you deserve to be loved back?

The air is silent as he says those words, as they echo off the walls, bouncing back like a devastating shot. The Shadow is motionless for a moment, his expression twisted and stunned, as if those words were a physical blow that he has to shake off. Each syllable, each breath, is a well-placed chip at the arrogance in this creature, every word ringing true in a way that he can never un-hear. Because he's right. Every word of it is right.

Mikey doesn't even know how right.]

You don't get it. Everything I am is a reflection of other people. None of it is real.

[I am you.] I am empty. I always will be. [And you are me.]

(oh, thank god. it feels like something he said had some effect, it's confirming that it's not a fight for the invincible mikey, but instead, for manjiro sano. it is starting to feel painful to walk, with the rib shatter, with the ache in his muscles, with the stinging of the small wound on his stomach.

even so, his steps are no less decisive as he moves towards the shadow.)

We are all reflections of other people. They make us who we are. If I can't be alone, Yuchin, you can't be alone either - but I understand why you can feel that way. It's okay to feel lonely and scared to lose all you've built.

(he definitely might die.

arms wrap around the shadow, fearlessly. a hug, a proof that-- yu can never be alone.)

I'm here. You can't ever be alone again.

[In his mind's eye, he is two. One, the Shadow, all monstrous snarls and yellow eyes. It's hunched forward and breathing heavily, as if it lost this battle. Maybe it did, in a way.

The other, him, Yu, and he realizes in this moment how hard it is to face the most loathsome parts of yourself. How difficult it is just to look at it. Don't look away, he had said once, to Rise. Now...he feels the slightest pang of shame for those words, knowing what a struggle they could be. How deeply terribly hard it is just to look at this part of himself.

And yet.

For a long time...I thought that if people saw "a real me," they would realize nothing was there. That they would leave me when they realized I wasn't worth it; that I was just faking everything.

I thought...how could I be a leader, when there was nothing there?

It's okay to feel scared.

He exhales, his arms sliding gently around the other boy. His eyes flutter, the golden color draining from them.]

... I was afraid people would leave. If I wasn't strong enough, if they couldn't depend on me... [You're part of me. I'm sorry I shut you away.

After a moment, he starts, as if very suddenly realizing--] Mikey. Shit. I didn't mean to... I'm so sorry. Here--

[His hand is a little shaky, but he summons Kikuri-Hime without too much trouble, and starts a healing spell.]

I know.

(it's a similar fear that he has, and it's known to yu now. mikey has told him why, how, and the reason he can't shake it. that feeling that you can't be the person you must be, you must be strong, you must endure, you must just keep going. it comes back to bite them in the ass, ergo, what they've both experienced.

he feels the ribs return to a single piece, the wound close and yet leave a scar, the legs that had been numb returning lost feeling.

he'll tip toe to look at yu from a better angle, to gently move his bangs away so he can take a look at those irises, and he chuckles a little.)

I'm the last person you owe an apology to... And I don't plan on ever leaving you, so get used to not being alone already, you dumbass.

[At least it worked. Yu exhales as the wounds close up, relieved, maybe still reeling from the realization of what just happened.

He's okay. He's always okay, of course; it's become a way of life, more than an obligation, but it still feels like a necessity. He remains still and focused as Mikey approaches, as he sweeps his bangs to one side. The ease with which the other boy smiles, laughs...it should probably feel a lot harder than it is, but he finds the corner of his mouth upturning as well. Mikey has that effect on people, and he's not immune to it by any stretch.]

Easier said than done. [Not being alone.] I'm working on it. Just-- it just takes-- ...some time--

[It's halfway through his words that the tension leaves him, but more than that, most of his strength seems to evaporate. He sinks to his knees slowly, as if he's suddenly realized he's too exhausted to stand. That-- is actually a fairly accurate description. No wonder the others had all taken so long to recover after they faced their Shadows.]

... sorry. Give me a few minutes.

(the easy-going way he was dealing with the whole situation steps aside to allow the concern to set in as soon as yu starts to stutter, the moment he falls onto his knees cementing it. mikey does his best to soften the impact on yu's knees, but honestly?

it's better he's not here if anyone else heard that burning desire for a fight. not a good sight to have.

awkward as it nust be, manjiro has no issues in wrapping an arm around yu's knees, another holding him by the waste. it's a weird experience princess carrying a man much taller than you, but at least he weighs like a grape to manjiro.)

I'll let you rest at the dojo.

[... Oh. Wow. Yu only rarely sees Mikey's new superstrength in action, but it is both incredible and also...a little weird. (But not...bad weird. No, that doesn't make sense to him either.) In any case, as much as he could insist that he's fine, the fact of the matter is that he doesn't really have an argument, here -- and besides, he is already being carried.

Sliding an arm around Mikey's shoulder for stability, he responds first with a bit of a smile, both grateful and a bit sheepish at the same time.]

My hero, [said lightly, almost joking. I mean, he is the one who was fighting tho. Or rather, his Shadow was -- a fact that is somewhat disconcerting, to be honest. Something he's going to have to process.]

A prince in shining armor, I know.

(a short, impolite, not royal prince, but one when the situation calls for it. at least he can make it quick to the dojo, they can talk there, if that's what yu wants. once they're there, manjiro enters his own room, setting yu on the bed as slowly and gently as he can.)

Rest up a little, I'mma get you some tea, alright?

[He huffs out a soft laugh. The feeling of strangeness doesn't dissipate as they get to the dojo, to be honest -- Yu feels uncomfortable, being looked after like this, especially when he's able to walk. Just tired. Would he be able to summon a Persona? Undoubtedly not, but he can still look after himself. Independence was instilled upon him due to circumstance, but it's still become a part of him.

All the same, he knows better than to argue the point with Mikey.]

... Alright.

(it's not just tea that he brings - it comes with a cup of water and pastry on a tray, that he leaves on the bed, on reach but not in the risk of being accidentally knocked over.

he won't join, that'd be weird. that said, he's more than used to being on his couch, stretching and checking for damage from their fight, a first-aid kit nearby coming in handy for bandages.)

If you wanna talk about it, I can listen. I don't mind what happened, I mostly went there so you didn't accidentally fight Yosuke or some shit and you two have to go through this, too.

[Mikey is trying -- really trying, and Yu being able to see that is the reason he's able to keep his feelings and his objections in check. It's like an itch under his skin, the need to show that he doesn't need to be fussed over, and it's so hard to overcome, as if that part of him is another Shadow waiting to surface.

... Ah. The Shadow.]

Thanks for that, [he says softly, sincerely, and only then does he reach for the tea. It's warm in his hands, if nothing else -- a reminder that he's here, and not still in the moment.

If he wants to talk about it ... that's harder. The truth is, he's not sure he does. But that comes from the same place as his relentless need for independence; the wall that sometimes still habitually tries to slide between him and his own true self. Maybe that's why that part of him surfaced so violently. He's quiet for a moment, debating, but -- they promised honesty. He's not about to break a promise. Still, he frowns as he speaks, a little concerned in his expression. Why now?]

... That was a Shadow.

[He starts with the obvious, because he has a feeling Mikey might have guessed that already. But he isn't sure where else to begin.]

(from manjiro, a shrug is enough response to the gratitude. he isn't expecting anything from it, neither was he when he arrived, and truth be told, there isn't a thing he is expecting now. promised honesty is nice, but it doesn't have to be as soon as it happens. that said, he can't help but be thankful that it did, a smile coming in his own way of expressing that thankfulness.)

So I thought. Did we win? You feel less hollow now?

[His eyebrows lift at the question, at that particular wording.]

I'm not sure "win" is how I'd describe it.

[But he doesn't sound regretful, really -- thoughtful, maybe. As much as this situation differs from the Shadows his friends faced, that much remains the same. Accepting a Shadow isn't winning, and it isn't losing; it just is. Nonetheless, a small smile tugs at his expression when he shakes his head.]

I told you before, right? I don't think that way anymore...about being hollow. [...] But it does feel kind of embarrassing, knowing that that's a part of myself that exists.

[The part of him that relies on strength to cover insecurities...it's a humbling experience, for sure.]

Ain't embarrasing, it's human.

(words are really lacking him here. he was better as a leader, because he could guide the listener, but he isn't one anymore, neither is yu his follower. manjiro knows that, logically, one is led to believe there are flaws everywhere, that they should be there, but staring right at them and knowing they will never fully leave...

that's harder.

he sighs, moving his hair into a bun so he can look at yu without distractions, and so yu can do the same.)

Shit, you know, sometimes? Sometimes, I think you're so reliable that you started to fill all the roles you needed yourself, like what you do for other people? You filled what they needed, and you filled what you needed, too, so you need to feel strong so you can do all these things. It's not just you giving people what they need, but you know what they should give you and you give it to yourself. You were your mom, your dad, your siblings, everyone who should have been there, and you give that back to others.

... You told me your friends are your strength now, but you lived... A lifetime living like this, scared you'll be left, so you gotta pick up the slack so it won't hurt as much. It's not like one thing replaces another.

... It's what makes you, you. If you were perfect, you'd suck and I'd never would have wanted you in the first place. We're all a little fucked up, it's proof of life, so... Don't hide it, if you can. Not from me.

(it's a monologue he gives, he knows, but he has to finish it in a better note.)

Also, I cried in front of you, so it's kinda fair.

(... technically, he had his back turned, but alas, POINT STANDS.)

Edited 2024-09-15 03:17 (UTC)

[They promised honesty. It was something they agreed on. That...doesn't make it easier, hearing everything Mikey is saying, but it does mean that Yu should have been expecting it.

He wasn't.

It doesn't feel very good.

I was afraid people would leave me. Those words still ring in his ears. None of it is real. Mikey is right, of course; he's tried so hard to be everything for everyone, and that includes himself. It started with himself, even. Does he know how to be different? Honestly, it's hard to say. Habits are hard to break; harder still if they become part of who you are.

He draws his knees up to his chest, rests his chin against them.]

... I'm not sure I like this "honesty" idea.

[He's not serious, of course; they made a deal, and he has no intention of going back on it. But he does sound a little wounded, as if Mikey's words were an arrow hitting a bullseye.]

Change isn't easy. But-- you're right. No one's perfect. It's kind of hypocritical for me to try to be. [He's always been the one to tell people to face themselves. To encourage them. Not being able to do that himself...it wouldn't be right.]

I'm sorry for attacking you. And-- thank you. For stopping me.

You think I'm into it? I fucking hate it, but considering what happens when we don't do this, I would rather go through the humiliation of being seen than lose you again.

(if anyone can understand, at least partly, what yu is saying, manjiro would easily say he could.

wearer of titles, both of them know the weight of leadership, of holding hopes, futures, potentials, and lives in their hands, how burdens are lifted from their people and set on their shoulders, and how their head must be held up firmly so their people can hold theirs.

invincible. wildcard.

alone, both of them. frightened of abandonment, even if manjiro dealt with the deaths that surrounded him by mental breakdowns and bloody fists, when yu turned his loneliness into a fence.)

It's less about being perfect, I think. I think it's more-- about being yourself rather than anything else. Being Yuchin, not the friend, the boyfriend, the leader. You have time, take it.

(but the mere idea of being apologized to...)

... Don't thank me, makes me feel all sorta weird considering everything.

[There must be some irony in the bluntness of that response, some sort of cosmic joke at the idea of being so honest in your hatred of this honesty...

Yu feels the same way, of course. Truth-- truth is tough, there's nothing harder than the pursuit of honesty without exception. He does his very best not to lie, when he can. But that doesn't mean he's forthcoming about the truth, and that is the difference they're both talking about. It's not enough not to lie. Mikey said before that he hides. He wasn't wrong.

Here is a moment such as that, a choice to make. Yu fights the urge to respond with only a soft hm, because wouldn't that be so like him? Thinking about a truth without going deeper...]

... I'm not sure who I am, without those things. [The admission is quiet, thoughtful; his expression is clearly uncomfortable saying as much, pinched, eyes on his hands.

The rest, though--] ...It's only weird if you make it weird.

(he doesn't know if yu can bear to be touched by him again, but he's at least going to try taking his hand for some semblance of reassurance, some attempt to comfort, the grip loose in case yu wants to take his own hand back.)

And you got an entire life to figure that out. Isn't that the beauty of it? Whoever you find you are, you also don't gotta be that. You get a choice.

(the cosmic joke is just how similar they have always been, and are now beginning to figure it out.)

Bull, come on. It is a little bit ironic, we gotta admit that.

[The warmth of a hand on his is unexpected, to say the least, and surprise registers on his face before he's able to mask it. But he doesn't pull away; in fact, to the opposite, he gives Mikey's hand a little squeeze. Small, subtle, but definitely still there.]

"Beauty," huh. [He doesn't sound doubtful so much as tired and thoughtful. Maybe it's a beautiful thing about the world, about life. It's also intimidating as hell.]

... You're right, though. People can change.

[He's put that faith in others plenty. He's starting to put that faith in Mikey, too. He'd might as well give himself the same grace. He doesn't respond to the rest; simply gives a small, amused nod. It is kind of ironic, but there's no need to belabor the point.]

(yu's hand hasn't moved, so the little rush of anxiety that runs through him quiets into a wash almost as immediately as it came when he decided to close their distance. the little smile is both relief and joy, and he shrugs a little bit.)

I did. A little in some aspects, a lot in many. You can, too. I know how hard it is, especially since you have your people here, but I think he'd like to know you more, too.

[Yu doesn't have to ask who he's talking about. But Mikey is talking about himself, too, and potential, and change, and it all quickly becomes overwhelming. Because Yu doesn't think of just Yosuke, when Mikey says that, and his feelings are all a little jumbled. When do you start with forgiveness? When do you move past things? Do you...?

(How far past things does he want to go?)]

I know. [The smile he offers is thin; tired, maybe a little shaken by thoughts he's not quite ready to voice. Instead, he begins the process of removing himself from the bed, markedly less shaky now as he smooths his clothes once he's on his feet.] But-- I should go.

[(is that what he really wants?)]

... I'll talk to you later, Mikey.

(there's something yu isn't saying, he can see it in the smile, on his face, like a barrier that manjiro can't reach, not yet. like they discussed, change is hard, and this deal they have? it's a big one. go too fast, they burn out - too much, too fast, too intense, too true. too slow, they lose it. this feels like a faultless balance for how much both can take today, so he won't oppose.

instead, he smiles with large eyes closed, one ridden with understanding and empathy, because how could he not? he couldn't even be upset, even if he wanted to. when it's time, yu will tell him, as he would never be dishonest like that.

it's not who he is.)

I'm beat, so I'm not taking you to the gate. Go home, and sleep.

I am a Shadow, the true self [open]

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