expiationlogs | me and all my other mes

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me and all my other mes

Who: Scott Summers and you
Where: Around Aldrip
What: Scott glitching into different versions of himself, such as 97, James Marsden, time displaced teen Scott from the comics, etc...
Warnings: Maybe some possible spoilers for X-Men 97??

I’m Totally Buggin (X-Men 97);
[Walking around Aldrip? You may notice a slightly familiar, but also pretty different version of one Scott Summers. Mostly, just the fact that he's an adult that's wearing a bright and colorful X-Men uniform. Look, who would wear black leather?? There's definitely a certain serious countenance to him as he looks around, because this place is new and unfamiliar and where is his team? Hell, he'll even be glad to see Magneto around, since the older mutant has shown that he's capable of letting humans go despite their crimes against them. Second chances and all. It's what the late Professor wanted.

...He still wonders if he didn't do a good enough job if the Professor left everything to Magneto.

But no thoughts for that right now. He has to find the other X-Men or help out any mutants if they are in this city. So, once again, he tries to communicate with the other members of his team, pressing the communicator on his uniform to contact them.]

It's Cyclops, report.

[Once that message is sent, however, Scott will continue his exploration, perhaps even resorting to stopping someone else to ask for information. This doesn't look like an elaborate kidnapping ploy, so he's willing to hear out any of the people walking around.] Can you tell me where we're at?

[Maybe you'll catch Scott walking around one of the more crime infested areas, just casually blasting a robber from across the street with the lowest power setting so that they collapse to the ground, mostly uninjured. It sure is nice to have a visor where he can control the output of his blasts.]

I was basically a cameo (X3: Last Stand);
[Enjoying the beach? Well, maybe not anymore, because there is a scream that echoes throughout the area before two familiar red blasts shoot through the sea for a few seconds, the water breaking apart before instantly converging once more as Scott falls to his knees a respectable distance away (look, he wasn't going to blast right next to someone, he has just enough sense for that). And it's definitely some version of Scott as he stares out at the ocean with an expression that seems haunted and exhausted, despite the shades covering his eyes. Maybe it's the fact that he clearly hasn't shaven in a hot minute.

Normally, Scott wouldn't even think to act this way out in public. But Jean is gone. He can't even hear her in his mind now. She's been dead for a year and he still can't come to grips with it. It's just. He should've done more for her. He should've been there. He should've done something. He... he doesn't know what to do and all that training and self-control is not helping him right now.

He can only just look at the water in front of him, so unlike the lake that claimed her, teeth clenching as her name falls from him.]

Jean...

I stole Wolverine's bike (All New X-Men comics);
[Well, isn't this great.

This Scott half expects Hank to pop out of nowhere and tell him that he's been brought to somewhere else to stop his future self, even if it doesn't make any sense. Nothing has made sense though in the past few days. Look, learning that he kills Charles Xavier in the future, that his future self is a mutant revolutionary hanging out with Magneto, and that everyone pretty much hates him has been a lot. He... he didn't do that. He doesn't want to do any of that.

But Hank hasn't come out to tell him his new idea. And people aren't looking at him with utter contempt or distrust. It's kind of nice. Sure, he only experienced that for just a few days now, but it has been enough. It's not like he can really forget how even Jean looked at him when everyone learned what his future self is like. Probably didn't help that he literally attacked him and the others and promptly disappeared with his new best friend Magneto.

God, this sucks still. Because he doesn't know where he's at and no one is familiar. He'd still rather have the other young X-Men here, because even if it's Bobby or Warren looking at him with distrust, at least they're still his friends.

Scott stares up at the sky for a moment, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He can handle this. He can--]

This might as well happen!

[He shouts into the sky before promptly collapsing back on the grass and staring upward still. Maybe that feral man with the claws will come out of nowhere to kill him. He wonders if it would be that bad.]

wildcard;
[Want a different Scott? Just let me know and I'll try to swing it! Feel free to plot with me at

currykirby]

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Hard not to, mate, [ charles answers with a half-grimace, and then immediately realises that it's an absolute shit answer. ]

Let's just say I've dealt with a lot of death.

[ in the past thirty-five years, how many times have they looked into a case, just to see the client's family mourning, or their client themselves mourning for the life they've lost, or someone else, long passed — through it all, charles is far more familiar with the sadness of loss than he is with most other things.

but, in the end, that's not entirely the whole truth, is it? no; it's something far, far more personal than that. and so he stuffs his hands in his pockets and adds, ] And honestly? Because I feel that way, too. Like a part of me's just — gone.

[He was expecting that sort of answer from the young man, as it's become clear that he's dealt with loss as well. Some remnants of his own sympathy start to emerge from within, his throat visibly swallowing as he really looks at Charles. He looks young, but that means nothing, teens can go through so much. He should know. Losing friends, family... it's more common than it should be.

...What Scott didn't fully expect was to hear him admit a feeling that he's been carrying this past year. That a part of him is just gone and a shaky breath leaves him, Scott numbly nodding. Yeah, it's just like that. This loss that weighs so heavily, more than anything else from before. It's difficult to describe, but what he said pretty much nails it on the head.]

...Like a part of you can't ever be complete again. No matter how much time passes.

[He continues quietly.]

[ bloody hell, does charles feel terrible — he's met so many murder victims, so many people mourning their loved ones who have passed, he's seen so, so many unfair things in his time after his death... and yet, it never gets any easier. his phantom heart aches in sympathy, not least because he imagines what he would feel like if edwin were truly gone —

except he doesn't really have to do that, when all he needs to remember is the helpless rage he felt when edwin had been whisked back to hell, from right next to him, and charles had been unable to protect him like he'd sworn to do so many times.

he takes a step closer, reaches out to touch scott's shoulder carefully, hesitantly. his touch feels — not quite real, a weight there but not, and so, so cold. ]

Yeah, [ he says, lips pressed together in a half-grimace, ] I know exactly what you mean. It's not — [ he pauses, then, because this isn't about him, but then he feels bad not explaining, because it feels like lying, and he's noticed that it's easier to put their clients at ease with some personal anecdotes, makes them share their own easier, so why not try? ]

It's not exactly the same, for me. He's just not here, so I at least know I'll see him again when I go back home... just, doesn't make it any easier, does it? [ he breathes a laugh. ] Fact is, we been together for so long I don't really know who I am, without him next to me.

[ does he realise he sounds exactly like he's talking about a romantic relationship? no. absolutely not. ]

[His hand is so cold--

Normally something that would cause Scott alarm and he doesn't completely bury that touch of concern. Despite feeling like a wreck himself, he hasn't fully turned off his empathy for others, that driving want to protect others... it's just been heavily buried. But seeing that the teen doesn't appear to be in pain or anything, he temporarily shoves it back, letting his earlier grief take over.

Well, mostly using that grief to fully understand what Charles is saying to him. Relating to that pain in a way that few can probably get. It definitely doesn't make it go away, but it's helping and that small realization is more than anything that he received in the past year. Scott's just glad that this person Charles is talking about isn't fully gone, just not here. There's a ping of jealousy, an ugly emotion that nearly gets him to shrug off the hand on his shoulder, but that deep loss in him isn't false.

He really understands.]

...It happens when you deeply love someone. [Scott lets out a shaky breath.] Just hard being separated from them because you've always been connected.

Yeah. [ said quieter, now — because even if he hasn't... sorted himself out quite yet, hasn't had a real sit-down with his feelings and the jumbled mess they are, he knows one thing for certain: he loves edwin, more than he's ever loved anyone else, more than he will ever love anyone else. that's not going to change.

and there's nothing, nothing worse than being somewhere where edwin is not.

he sighs. ]

I'm not gonna say some platitudes about how it'll get better or some other shit people say to those who're mourning... I don't know that it will. But we've got to — keep going, don't we? [ he offers a small, understanding smile to scott. ] That's what I keep telling myself, when all I want to do is hit something real hard.

[ and then, as if realising he's talking too much about himself and how he feels, charles clears his throat and steps back, withdrawing his hand. ] Anyway. I'm Charles.

[Scott appreciates him avoiding the false platitudes, but...

Keep going, huh? He knows he should, he probably has to, but is he just going to return being the leader of the X-Men again? Scott has doubts that the Professor even wants him around anymore, not when Storm has stepped up in his stead. Does he even really have a place anywhere? If he doesn't have Jean, if he doesn't have the X-Men, what use is there for him? The thought nearly makes him sink further, mind despairing as his gaze turns downward.

He doesn't try to deny the words of his companion here, because he's not necessarily incorrect. Far from it. He-- he himself just isn't ready. Hopefully Charles doesn't expect a full answer or agreement from him just yet, although he's tempted to just tell him that hitting something real hard sounds really appealing. He might go for a round or two.

But he's pulling away-- that coldness from his shoulder is gone. Somehow, he misses it a little, despite the chill.]

...Scott. Scott Summers.

[His tone is still quiet, morose, but after taking in a large breath, he finally looks back up at him.] So, want to explain why your hand's ice cold?

[ it's not that easy, of course. charles very deliberately doesn't think what he might do, if the situations were reversed, if edwin was well and truly gone — would he keep going?

the answer comes to him like it's ingrained into his soul: fuck no. if edwin was taken back to hell, charles would follow. if edwin was sent to oblivion, the endless darkness of nothing, charles would follow — because endless nothingness would be preferrable to an afterlife without edwin in it.

he can only keep going, now, with the knowledge edwin's back home, safe. but saying all this out loud? bloody counterproductive, that. which is why he latches on to scott's question for something to distract him with, offering him a sheepish smile. ]

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. [ and also, uh, now that he thinks about this — maybe this isn't a great topic to talk with someone who's in mourning. but no way out but through, is there? ] The coldness, it's, uh, a ghost thing. Living people can't really feel us, not the same way, anyway, but we feel real cold to them. You.

[One eyebrow lifts hearing that explanation. Luckily, perhaps, the mutant doesn't really react otherwise, even if he is now staring at Charles with that neutral expression for a solid few seconds. Either he's trying to take everything in or he's trying to see if the teen is bullshitting him but after those seconds pass, Scott finally nods. Somehow, being here, it feels easy to believe his words, like this isn't the weirdest thing he's heard.

...Go figure that the first ghost he speaks with is this kid and not his dead girlfriend.

Those ruby glasses finally shift its focus away from Charles, turning to look at the open water in contemplative silence. Or just trying to get some of his emotions in order after everything.]

So ghosts really exist. [Did Jean just move on to the afterlife right after her death? ...It's probably for the best, even if his heart twists thinking that she didn't try to reach him at least once before moving on. Maybe she didn't have a choice. Maybe different circumstances.]

The person that you love, is he dead too?

Sure do, [ he says, easily, and considers giving some kind of demonstration — but scott seems to believe him, truly, and then charles wonders if he shouldn't instead try and explain that people can't normally see him, that it's just something this place does —

but then scott's talking more, and charles' brain just bluescreens. frozen solid, all systems down, flashing error notices; because — ]

What?

[ ... oh god. oh fuck.

right, so — maybe he can see how the misunderstanding happened here. and really, scott's not wrong, exactly, because he does love edwin, except he's got the sense that this is in direct comparison to scott's probably dead girlfriend or wife or something, and he —

he hasn't exactly had time to think about what the hell he's feeling, has he? but for whatever reason, saying the words it's not like that, or we're not like that, it — they get stuck in his throat, and what comes out instead is, ] I mean — yeah. Yeah, he is.

[He feels like he just witnessed someone's personal journey happen in five seconds. Maybe, normally, Scott would give a small if understanding smile, because he gets it and this is just a little amusing seeing Charles come to his big realization, but that emotion still feels brittle and far away. Everything's still too close to the surface.

There's something a little less angry in him though. Like... this is kind of nice to hear, even if Charles and his boyfriend or 'close companion' are dead.]

...Dead and together. That isn't the worst outcome if you still see him every day.

[...Is he jealous? No, okay, maybe a little, but it's mostly covered by the fact that Scott looks mostly glad for Charles. He's truly happy for them that they can spend the afterlife together, as terrible as it is that Charles died at a young age. That much is a certain tragedy that brings out that sympathy in Scott, along with a certain anger about the potential injustice that may have led to his end. Even if it's just natural causes.]

Each day feels worth living. [Even if they are dead, he can imagine that being around his partner makes him feel alive. It's how Scott would feel.]

[ quite frankly, charles sort of feels like someone whacked him with his own cricket bat, and the feeling does nothing to help sort out what the absolute fuck is going on with him, or his feelings, or anything else — but then it's a good thing he's an expert at suppressing his own reactions and burying them under a smile.

and his smile is pretty damn convincing. ]

Yeah, [ he says, then, and the smile reaches his eyes and all. ] Not the worst outcome, at all.

[ he bites the inside of his cheek, then, before blurting out on instinct and nothing else, ] You know, people don't usually... see me. Us. Ghosts, I mean. It's something this place does, grants everyone the ability, or makes me visible, don't know the specifics. So — she might... be one. You won't know until you die. And even if she's not, you could, um, ask Death when she comes, if she couldn't send you to the same afterlife. I've never met her, but, from what I've heard, Death's a good one. Might even listen.

[Scott doesn't outwardly react as Charles starts going into his tangent, although he finds himself slowly blinking behind his ruby shades. They're always good for that, hiding his outward reactions when he's not fully able to control them otherwise. Granted, screaming and mourning for Jean wasn't him hiding in the least bit, but before all that... he tends to have a rather decent poker face.

One that he gives Charles for a few seconds as he fully takes everything in. There's a passing hope that he might be able to see Jean here, but he tries not to be too optimistic. Even though clinging to the idea of seeing her again is extremely tempting... to search everywhere in this place for her. She's been on his mind the entire time this past year, what's a few more weeks as he searches here?

She is worth that much, more than that.

Scott's mouth slowly parts, although it closes again in contemplation. So Death has a form and it's a girl. Noted.]

...Why haven't you passed onto the afterlife?

[The question almost sounds piercing, especially with the way Scott almost bluntly asks Charles that. He both wants to think more about Jean and focus on something else and right now, he's going for the latter.]

Edwin, [ says charles, immediately, like just his name is enough to explain. it's not, though, of course — and charles gives scott a small smile. ]

Met him in '89, when I died. Been sticking with him ever since. And, see, the thing is — Edwin was in Hell, on a technicality, so we kept running from Death so he wouldn't be taken back... and now we've got permission to stay on Earth, solving cases, and the more we do solve, well, he might make a case for leniency, yeah?

[ but, ultimately, that isn't really it. charles shrugs one shoulder, smile remaining, except there's something soft in it, the same softness that turns his eyes liquid and fond. ] But, honest, even if he does, well, we're not gonna move on. No point if we can't be together, is there? Would rather have an eternity as a ghost with him than move on to Heaven, alone.

[Not difficult to put two and two together and figure out that Edwin is his Jean Grey. The other boy that Charles can't move on without, not until he's sure they go to the same place together. It's honestly kind of touching to hear this, but he fully understands the teen's devotion and love for Edwin. So, there's no judgment, nothing like from Scott as he nods to the ghost.

Yeah... he really gets him. Just loving and wanting to be with someone so much that you don't want to move on without them.]

I'd do the same for Jean. [He admits quietly. It's been so hard to live without her and if they are separated forever in the afterlife, Scott's not sure how he'd be able to cope then.] I understand how you feel, Charles. Not that she'd be there, but... I would go to hell for her.

[ charles' smile is understanding, but he has to huff a laugh, then, before his grin turns just a tad wry. ]

Well, [ he says, and something self-deprecating sneaks into his tone, ] You'd need someone to open a door for you, first. And then probably some good notes to get through, to her, and back.

[ a pause, and charles could just stop there, but he has a need to fill in the silence, and the words keep pouring out of his mouth. ] Did you know you can't actually, you know, see the rooms for what they are when you go in? But you can see when you come out. Only, you wish you didn't, it's not — it's not great.

[His eyebrow arches hearing Charles talk about opening a door, having notes. Sounds like he's speaking from experience more than anything else. Has he already jumped into hell to save Edwin? Curiosity pushes at his chest, although he keeps that inquiry to himself for now, especially as the ghost keeps on talking about hell. He assumes that's correct at any rate.]

...I'm sorry, I don't quite follow.

[He tilts his head, but it's clear that he's listening. Look, maybe important stuff to know if he has to jump into hell to save Jean. After all, if this Edwin got put there due to a mistake, then maybe another 'mistake' might happen. Maybe god or whatever tossed all mutants into hell-- in which case, can he start a rebellion??]

Like you can only see the contents of hell after exploring it?

Yeah, pretty much.

[ charles gives another half-shrug, grimacing. it's — actually, he hasn't really talked about hell much, mostly because when he thinks about it his thoughts go to the dollhouse and the absolute horror of it all and then he starts thinking that edwin was there for seventy years and —

well, quite frankly, it makes him want to burst into angry tears, which isn't really conductive to anything, ever, and so he doesn't think of it.

somehow, though, talking about the rest of it? it's... not terrible. it makes him feel like he's maybe, just maybe, being useful, passing on the knowledge. just in case. ] When you go in, it looks like a bunch of empty rooms. They're... uh, less empty when you come back.

[Not what he quite imagined hell to be like. Yeah, he sort of figured it would just be pain from the get go, but maybe it's worse that it tries to lure people into a false sense of security before the actual truth of the place is revealed. At least he won't be caught off guard, assuming... a lot of things, but Scott's taking Charles seriously, because that's how he is.]

You walk back and suddenly you see people being slowly tortured, correct? Paired with their screams of agony? [Yeah, he's just accepting this. Maybe Scott should sound more worried, but there's something almost monotone about his voice.] I'll go out here and admit that it's impressive you and Edwin managed to escape.

[He can't imagine that happens often.]

[ oh, no, it is totally pain from the get-go, if you're actually put there. if you break in, however... ]

Sort of, yeah. I've only seen Gluttony and Lust, and then Limbo, but — [ he shrugs, and intends to elaborate, but then he's distracted by what follows and his intense need to correct that. ]

No, uh, Edwin did it all by himself, first. But then he got taken there a second time, and I went in to get him back.

[ no, it really doesn't. edwin's now twice the anomaly. ]

[So, punished by deadly sins. Of course. Guess that much is true, if their afterlives end up even being remotely similar. Scott's still of the opinion that this is good to know, not like he has much of an account otherwise.]

It doesn't erase what I just said. You both managed to escape, even if it was Edwin's second time.

[But talking about death and everything... Scott's gaze drifts back to the ocean.] I still intend to ask you more details about that later, but perhaps I shouldn't be so focused on dying yet.

Ask away, [ he answers, easily, and means it — even if it's a long shot... well. if he can help anyone, anyone with getting there and back, then he's going to do that.

though — ] Agreed, mate. Don't... be too eager to die.

[ he pauses, stuffing his hands in his pockets. ] If there's anything I've learned... it's that living and being dead aren't too different, except only one's permanent. So don't throw away the thing that you can't get back, yeah?

In that case, I'd like to see a fully written account so I can look back at it and think of a potential plan later.

[He's so serious about that and yes, he's definitely assigning Charles some homework now. Better to have something this important noted down anyway, even if memories don't fade the same way as it does for ghosts. Every little detail is important. Scott doesn't feel bad asking him for this.]

...There's still things worth fighting for. [Worth living for. Even if it's not really part of the X-Men anymore, there's still students back home, mutants that need help. If he focuses on that, then maybe, he can actually keep going.]

I can't be this selfish, even now.

Sure. [ his agreement is immediate — after all, he'd have never made it without edwin's meticulous notes. it's not an unreasonable request.

but then he smiles — because, yeah, that's right, innit? there's always things to fight for. he shouldn't just throw away his life like this, not without fighting, first. ]

... that's right. So just keep thinking about that, yeah? Just — good luck, mate. And on the days when it gets hard... this Jean, she'd want you to keep going, right? Don't forget that.

[ with that, charles gives scott another, quiet smile and goes — with the intent to, actually, make the notes about hell... only, later on, when he tries to find him again to give those to him, well. turns out he can't, and then gnosia hits, anyway, and he forgets all about it. ]

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me and all my other mes

hahajgkdhf

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his display name really comes into play here, wow

meant to be

scott just wants to mourn his dead gf and this asshole here having a whole bisexual crisis

what a time fjalefnei

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🎀