[ there's a quirk of the brow at first, head canted as he mulls over minato's response. were things different, were he not his older brother, he'd be inclined towards disbelief -- but minato is minato and...
it's concerning more than it is anything else, really.
sha-ming raises his arms, stretching them behind his head. ]
...Just felt like it.
[ things have been -- strange as of late. that sense of off kilterness that he's always saddled with... it's as if it's more than a mere product of his mind now. like it's real.
the sun bleeds into the horizon, soft oranges and yellows coagulating into one. ]
Graduation's coming up. Can't believe it. Felt like you were a snot nosed little brat just 2 days ago... [ he's teasing; minato was remarkably well behaved for his age. ] Town hasn't got much to offer, but... any ideas on what you wanna do?
[ Well, that makes two of them then: two people who do things because they felt like it.
The only thing Sha-Ming gets in response to the question is even more vacant blinking. Graduation? Minato hardly thought about what he was going to eat for dinner each evening. His gaze drops to his feet as a pensive frown settles on his features. ]
No.
[ Was he supposed to know? He's not dissatisfied with his current life, going to school and helping Sha-Ming here and there with his research. It's not bad at all, but neither of those are things he'd truly chosen for himself. He had to go to school, and while Sha-Ming never forced him to assist in his work, Minato couldn't see any reason not to.
Another shrug. ]
I forgot graduation's soon.
[ He might not have any ideas right now, but he'll figure something out. He always did, somehow. ]
[ a silence passes between the two of them. he wishes he knew -- what to do with this. what to do with him.
how can you make someone want to live? for all of sha-ming's flaws, he's always been desperate to survive -- no matter the cost. he could survive enough for the two of them, it was fine.
but minato speaks, and his mind immediately flashes back to the gun he found on his desk, metal shining in the sunlight. his jaw tenses. sha-ming angles his head up, staring into the sky, gaze hard and pensive. ]
...Minato. [ he starts. ]
Y'know if somethin's on your mind... you can tell me, right?
[ He doesn't remember that he'd left his room open that day, door left ajar just enough for Sha-Ming to catch a glimpse of metal on his desk. He'd never felt compelled to hide the gun ("Evoker," he thinks it's called, but can't remember why), not when it was equivalent to a pencil in Minato's eyes. It's a tool, though he can't quite place what it's for. ]
I know.
[ He's never intentionally kept any secrets from Sha-Ming. If his brother was missing information, it's because he hasn't asked the right questions yet.
But maybe that's the issue: there's nothing on his mind. ]
...if there's something on your mind, you can tell me too.
[ He knows Sha-Ming won't. Minato knows that, between the two of them, he's the one who doesn't see the point in hiding things from each other.
He stares at Sha-Ming, expression wholly impassive even though it's clear in his eyes that he's scrutinizing his sibling. Something's off. Sha-Ming wouldn't come to pick him up from school out of nostalgia. ]
[ despite what they both say, sha-ming knows the truth: neither of them are saying anything. sha-ming could always come out with it, ask the simple question of: do you want to die? do you really spend everyday of your life not thinking of anything, not wanting anything, not seeing ahead of what's in front of you?
but he doesn't. maybe because he already knows the answer. maybe because he's too much of a coward to stomach it. sha-ming ambles behind him, slinking into the jaundiced shadows cast by the trees, long as they stretch across the pathway. ]
It's nothing. [ he lies. ] Really. I just...
[ fingers comb through his own hair, raking a few strands back. ]
Honestly, I hate thinkin' about the past. Gets me feeling all weird and shit. But it's been hard not to these days. Something's changed about this place. Everything feels different.
[ "that includes you, you know." ]
And as your big bro, it's hard to not worry about your future, yeah? If it weren't for you, I'd probably be nothing but a real bastard. I mean, I still am, but an even bigger one.
Here's this. How about we go on a trip after graduation? Get a taste of the world. Might make you realize there's more for you out there...y'know, more than what's here.
Have things changed? Minato can't tell. The days blend together, one after another; same old, same old. But it's true that lately he's dreamed of a boy with black hair and cerulean eyes, over and over again.
Who doesn't have the occasional weird dream though? ]
Change is normal, isn't it?
[ People rarely have good things to say about Sha-Ming. Minato, on the other hand, can't see why. Maybe it's because they've never seen his brother making sure he accounts for every animal that calls their place a home, the way Sha-Ming triple checks that they're all healthy and happy.
Minato knows Sha-Ming quadruple checks the same things for him too. ...that must be the source of his concerns.
The younger of the two leads the way home, even though Minato's spent those four years trailing behind Sha-Ming, fingers clutching at the hem of his brother's shirt.
A trip doesn't sound like a bad idea at all, but, ]
...where would we go?
[ There's nowhere else to go outside of Aldrip, is there? And why would they leave? It's not an outright rejection of Sha-Ming's idea. Minato's confusion is genuine. It makes him stop in his tracks, glancing over his shoulder at Sha-Ming. ]
It doesn't matter to me either way. But if it makes you happy, I don't mind going.
[ somehow, he's a little bemused at how characteristic of a response that is -- right. everything changes, and yet nothing really does. minato would always be minato. ]
I've always been bad at normal. You know that.
[ there's the slightest upturn of his lips in that moment, the steel greys of his eyes softening as the sun fades. sha-ming lingers behind minato, eager to remain unnoticed as usual. he liked this pathway back home -- because nobody else took it aside from them.
it's a good question that comes next. sha-ming offers a noncommittal shrug, not having thought any of it out; minato probably knows that, too. ]
Haven't decided. Could see where things take us... head to one of the nearby towns, start there.
[ it was worth a shot, wasn't it? but then minato stops, and he looks to sha-ming, voice devoid of any real depth of emotion, and offers that platitude -- that sentiment he wishes would change. sha-ming avoids his gaze. ]
Yanno... [ a beat. ] you should start doing things for yourself. Just... do things because you want to, and not for anyone else. You always let people pull you into their own flow but that's no way to live, is it?
[ he knows he's no exception to that. sha-ming breathes out through his nose. ]
[ ...yeah. Sha-Ming's always been bad at the "normal" thing, whereas Minato's emptiness allowed others to fill in the gaps with their own ideas, enough to make them forget that Minato's a little odd too.
He doesn't mind being tugged along by others. In fact, isn't that what Sha-Ming's doing right now by suggesting how he should be living his life? Minato doesn't mind though. He's never minded.
He shrugs yet again, this time with both shoulders. ]
It takes people years to figure that out.
[ "What makes you happy?" is a bit of a hard-hitting question to ask a seventeen-year-old. But because it's Sha-Ming who's asking, Minato goes quiet as he tries to grapple with an answer. The only sign that he's actually thinking about it is the small frown on his face.
Eventually, he cobbles together a response: ]
...I'm happy if you're happy, Sha-Ming.
[ Deep down, Minato knows it's likely not the answer Sha-Ming's hoping for. But it's true, and Minato only ever says things that he really means. ]
[ this is one of those instances where the lull of silence overtakes him, eyes still as they observe, expression freezing over into something waxen and ambivalent. ]
I know. [ he remarks, not bitingly, but with a kind of coldness that came naturally to him. ] Some never do at all.
[ the answer he gets -- it's not one that he wants. it's never been one that he's wanted. it's a knife to the gut, twisting, pulsating with his own failure. if he were a better brother, minato would know how to live for himself. if he were a better brother, minato would know how to leave him behind.
sha-ming turns away. ]
Point in case, kid. [ he walks past him. ] You're made to do more than that. Don't be stupid.
[ That icy expression tells Minato that Sha-Ming might not have figured out what makes him happy yet either. But instead of offering him more of an opportunity to study his face, his brother's turned away and walks right past him. ]
...you think so?
[ Distantly, he thinks he might recall a conversation in the same light. "You should think for yourself," is what he thinks he remembers. It's contradictory though, isn't it? Advising someone to stand on their own two feet, despite good intentions, still requires the recipient to do what's asked of them.
Minato trails behind Sha-Ming. He'd kept himself busy as a child trying to tread on Sha-Ming's shadow while following him around. His strides had been too short to keep up. Now, he finds himself stepping in the silhouette without even trying.
If everyone here loves him, it must mean Sha-Ming does too. ]
Maybe I don't want more than that.
[ He doesn't need anything grand. It's enough to be with the people who love him, isn't it? ]
[ of course he does. he loves him the most -- that's why he acts so coldly, so callously. he can't stand it, the way minato lets anyone and everyone do as they please, they way he acts more like a marionette on a string than he does a person.
the trees rustle against the gentle breeze; the weather here is never so violent, and something about that is horribly unnatural. it's devoid of danger, something it shouldn't be. to be volatile and unpredictable was simply the way of the world.
they draw closer towards the bend their house sits on. it's an old thing, the only memento of their parents that remains. ]
...Can't tell ya what you shouldn't or should do. [ he shrugs. ] Kinda defeats the point, don't it? But...
[ he turns around, hands in his pockets. ]
...Never mind. Congrats on making it to the end of the school year, kid. You did good. Better than I did, that's for sure.
[ Minato knows this path like the back of his hand. In just a few more minutes of walking, the little house they share will come into view.
Others might try to deny Sha-Ming's compliments, to insist that it's not true -- that Sha-Ming turned out fine, all things considered. But Sha-Ming likely doesn't want empty words. At the very least, Minato doesn't think Sha-Ming wants them from him.
He's ready to shrug instead, to offer his brother a reflexive thanks. Instead, Minato goes silent and stops in his tracks, a distant look flitting across his irises as his expression turns genuinely confused. The end of the school year? ]
...I made it?
[ He sees something: shades of pink, softly drifting onto the ground, cherry blossoms in full bloom. But no, that can't be right. The flowers' full bloom should still be a few weeks away.
Something sharp explodes in Minato's right temple, his hand reaching up to press an index and middle finger against it. He shuts his eyes tight. The late afternoon sunlight is suddenly far too intense, exacerbating the migraine taking shape in his skull.
But instead of announcing how much it hurts, he mumbles: ]
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expiationlogs2024-03-09 08:37 am
no subject
it's concerning more than it is anything else, really.
sha-ming raises his arms, stretching them behind his head. ]
...Just felt like it.
[ things have been -- strange as of late. that sense of off kilterness that he's always saddled with... it's as if it's more than a mere product of his mind now. like it's real.
the sun bleeds into the horizon, soft oranges and yellows coagulating into one. ]
Graduation's coming up. Can't believe it. Felt like you were a snot nosed little brat just 2 days ago... [ he's teasing; minato was remarkably well behaved for his age. ] Town hasn't got much to offer, but... any ideas on what you wanna do?
no subject
The only thing Sha-Ming gets in response to the question is even more vacant blinking. Graduation? Minato hardly thought about what he was going to eat for dinner each evening. His gaze drops to his feet as a pensive frown settles on his features. ]
No.
[ Was he supposed to know? He's not dissatisfied with his current life, going to school and helping Sha-Ming here and there with his research. It's not bad at all, but neither of those are things he'd truly chosen for himself. He had to go to school, and while Sha-Ming never forced him to assist in his work, Minato couldn't see any reason not to.
Another shrug. ]
I forgot graduation's soon.
[ He might not have any ideas right now, but he'll figure something out. He always did, somehow. ]
no subject
how can you make someone want to live? for all of sha-ming's flaws, he's always been desperate to survive -- no matter the cost. he could survive enough for the two of them, it was fine.
but minato speaks, and his mind immediately flashes back to the gun he found on his desk, metal shining in the sunlight. his jaw tenses. sha-ming angles his head up, staring into the sky, gaze hard and pensive. ]
...Minato. [ he starts. ]
Y'know if somethin's on your mind... you can tell me, right?
[ a beat. ]
Anything. I mean that.
no subject
I know.
[ He's never intentionally kept any secrets from Sha-Ming. If his brother was missing information, it's because he hasn't asked the right questions yet.
But maybe that's the issue: there's nothing on his mind. ]
...if there's something on your mind, you can tell me too.
[ He knows Sha-Ming won't. Minato knows that, between the two of them, he's the one who doesn't see the point in hiding things from each other.
He stares at Sha-Ming, expression wholly impassive even though it's clear in his eyes that he's scrutinizing his sibling. Something's off. Sha-Ming wouldn't come to pick him up from school out of nostalgia. ]
no subject
but he doesn't. maybe because he already knows the answer. maybe because he's too much of a coward to stomach it. sha-ming ambles behind him, slinking into the jaundiced shadows cast by the trees, long as they stretch across the pathway. ]
It's nothing. [ he lies. ] Really. I just...
[ fingers comb through his own hair, raking a few strands back. ]
Honestly, I hate thinkin' about the past. Gets me feeling all weird and shit. But it's been hard not to these days. Something's changed about this place. Everything feels different.
[ "that includes you, you know." ]
And as your big bro, it's hard to not worry about your future, yeah? If it weren't for you, I'd probably be nothing but a real bastard. I mean, I still am, but an even bigger one.
Here's this. How about we go on a trip after graduation? Get a taste of the world. Might make you realize there's more for you out there...y'know, more than what's here.
no subject
Have things changed? Minato can't tell. The days blend together, one after another; same old, same old. But it's true that lately he's dreamed of a boy with black hair and cerulean eyes, over and over again.
Who doesn't have the occasional weird dream though? ]
Change is normal, isn't it?
[ People rarely have good things to say about Sha-Ming. Minato, on the other hand, can't see why. Maybe it's because they've never seen his brother making sure he accounts for every animal that calls their place a home, the way Sha-Ming triple checks that they're all healthy and happy.
Minato knows Sha-Ming quadruple checks the same things for him too. ...that must be the source of his concerns.
The younger of the two leads the way home, even though Minato's spent those four years trailing behind Sha-Ming, fingers clutching at the hem of his brother's shirt.
A trip doesn't sound like a bad idea at all, but, ]
...where would we go?
[ There's nowhere else to go outside of Aldrip, is there? And why would they leave? It's not an outright rejection of Sha-Ming's idea. Minato's confusion is genuine. It makes him stop in his tracks, glancing over his shoulder at Sha-Ming. ]
It doesn't matter to me either way. But if it makes you happy, I don't mind going.
no subject
I've always been bad at normal. You know that.
[ there's the slightest upturn of his lips in that moment, the steel greys of his eyes softening as the sun fades. sha-ming lingers behind minato, eager to remain unnoticed as usual. he liked this pathway back home -- because nobody else took it aside from them.
it's a good question that comes next. sha-ming offers a noncommittal shrug, not having thought any of it out; minato probably knows that, too. ]
Haven't decided. Could see where things take us... head to one of the nearby towns, start there.
[ it was worth a shot, wasn't it? but then minato stops, and he looks to sha-ming, voice devoid of any real depth of emotion, and offers that platitude -- that sentiment he wishes would change. sha-ming avoids his gaze. ]
Yanno... [ a beat. ] you should start doing things for yourself. Just... do things because you want to, and not for anyone else. You always let people pull you into their own flow but that's no way to live, is it?
[ he knows he's no exception to that. sha-ming breathes out through his nose. ]
...Minato. What makes ya happy?
no subject
He doesn't mind being tugged along by others. In fact, isn't that what Sha-Ming's doing right now by suggesting how he should be living his life? Minato doesn't mind though. He's never minded.
He shrugs yet again, this time with both shoulders. ]
It takes people years to figure that out.
[ "What makes you happy?" is a bit of a hard-hitting question to ask a seventeen-year-old. But because it's Sha-Ming who's asking, Minato goes quiet as he tries to grapple with an answer. The only sign that he's actually thinking about it is the small frown on his face.
Eventually, he cobbles together a response: ]
...I'm happy if you're happy, Sha-Ming.
[ Deep down, Minato knows it's likely not the answer Sha-Ming's hoping for. But it's true, and Minato only ever says things that he really means. ]
no subject
I know. [ he remarks, not bitingly, but with a kind of coldness that came naturally to him. ] Some never do at all.
[ the answer he gets -- it's not one that he wants. it's never been one that he's wanted. it's a knife to the gut, twisting, pulsating with his own failure. if he were a better brother, minato would know how to live for himself. if he were a better brother, minato would know how to leave him behind.
sha-ming turns away. ]
Point in case, kid. [ he walks past him. ] You're made to do more than that. Don't be stupid.
Everyone here loves you for a reason.
no subject
...you think so?
[ Distantly, he thinks he might recall a conversation in the same light. "You should think for yourself," is what he thinks he remembers. It's contradictory though, isn't it? Advising someone to stand on their own two feet, despite good intentions, still requires the recipient to do what's asked of them.
Minato trails behind Sha-Ming. He'd kept himself busy as a child trying to tread on Sha-Ming's shadow while following him around. His strides had been too short to keep up. Now, he finds himself stepping in the silhouette without even trying.
If everyone here loves him, it must mean Sha-Ming does too. ]
Maybe I don't want more than that.
[ He doesn't need anything grand. It's enough to be with the people who love him, isn't it? ]
it's been 87 years
the trees rustle against the gentle breeze; the weather here is never so violent, and something about that is horribly unnatural. it's devoid of danger, something it shouldn't be. to be volatile and unpredictable was simply the way of the world.
they draw closer towards the bend their house sits on. it's an old thing, the only memento of their parents that remains. ]
...Can't tell ya what you shouldn't or should do. [ he shrugs. ] Kinda defeats the point, don't it? But...
[ he turns around, hands in his pockets. ]
...Never mind. Congrats on making it to the end of the school year, kid. You did good. Better than I did, that's for sure.
and i will wait 87 more if that's what it takes
Others might try to deny Sha-Ming's compliments, to insist that it's not true -- that Sha-Ming turned out fine, all things considered. But Sha-Ming likely doesn't want empty words. At the very least, Minato doesn't think Sha-Ming wants them from him.
He's ready to shrug instead, to offer his brother a reflexive thanks. Instead, Minato goes silent and stops in his tracks, a distant look flitting across his irises as his expression turns genuinely confused. The end of the school year? ]
...I made it?
[ He sees something: shades of pink, softly drifting onto the ground, cherry blossoms in full bloom. But no, that can't be right. The flowers' full bloom should still be a few weeks away.
Something sharp explodes in Minato's right temple, his hand reaching up to press an index and middle finger against it. He shuts his eyes tight. The late afternoon sunlight is suddenly far too intense, exacerbating the migraine taking shape in his skull.
But instead of announcing how much it hurts, he mumbles: ]
...Sha-Ming, I'm tired.