osamu "vodka aunt" dazai (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nullificates) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
expiationlogs2023-09-22 10:53 pm
nullificates) wrote in expiationlogs2023-09-22 10:53 pm
(after event chill out lil mingle) let's understand it
(cw depression)
(he hasn't exactly been doing great - much to the opposite. he spent the week in bed, he hasn't taken care of himself whatsoever, and he's exhausted. either way, it hardly matters how he feels, does it ever?
so. let's go. a text message arrives to everyone's charms and tablets, and it reads:)
this is, you guessed it, osamu dazai. it's been a week since that stupid maze, so here is what we have:
1. i need copious amounts of alcohol and food. i'll bring some to the beach in 30, i suggest we all do the same.
2. i'd like to hear what your experiences were. it's important for data building - we have a few detectives in this place, some smartpants, and some go-getters. we need to take advantage of our only resource, which is ourselves. meet me at the beach, or send me anonymously. i don't care about your shit per se.
see you, or don't see you.
many words that mean absolutely nothing here,
dazai.
(to those that come to the beach, they'll see several cocktail possibilities laid in front of dazai, as well as a good number of the food they serve in lupin - mixed nuts, pistachio, cheese tables, chocolate, dried figs, potato chips, chicken snacks, boiled sausage, asparagus with sauces, and dried fruit. a bonfire warms his hands in the chilly breeze of the night - this feels awfully needed.)
(he hasn't exactly been doing great - much to the opposite. he spent the week in bed, he hasn't taken care of himself whatsoever, and he's exhausted. either way, it hardly matters how he feels, does it ever?
so. let's go. a text message arrives to everyone's charms and tablets, and it reads:)
this is, you guessed it, osamu dazai. it's been a week since that stupid maze, so here is what we have:
1. i need copious amounts of alcohol and food. i'll bring some to the beach in 30, i suggest we all do the same.
2. i'd like to hear what your experiences were. it's important for data building - we have a few detectives in this place, some smartpants, and some go-getters. we need to take advantage of our only resource, which is ourselves. meet me at the beach, or send me anonymously. i don't care about your shit per se.
see you, or don't see you.
many words that mean absolutely nothing here,
dazai.
(to those that come to the beach, they'll see several cocktail possibilities laid in front of dazai, as well as a good number of the food they serve in lupin - mixed nuts, pistachio, cheese tables, chocolate, dried figs, potato chips, chicken snacks, boiled sausage, asparagus with sauces, and dried fruit. a bonfire warms his hands in the chilly breeze of the night - this feels awfully needed.)
2
So when Kotone's greeting puts a natural, real smile on his face, he's almost surprised at how good it feels.]
I'm fine. [Habit, still - but his smile is almost as tired as it is warm.] Better now that it's over.
[That's probably okay to say. Right? It's certainly not a lie. And he's not going to be putting anyone at risk, phrasing things like that.]
How about you? Are you doing alright?
no subject
Is it a good thing to try to kick that crutch out from under Izuku? She doesn't know. So for now, she just gives him a smaller smile and offers him her plate of snacks. This is yours now. Enjoy!]
It was a lot, huh? Wanna talk about it?
[And she just steamrolls right into it, because if he's anything like her, he's shoving it aside and trying not to deal with it; Izuku seems like the type who can be bullied for his own good.]
no subject
Izuku just feels so tired. The weird, empty kind he usually feels after a really long cry, where his body can keep going but the rest of him can't keep up. Like his emotions are a liquid, except this time instead of flooding out with his tears someone tipped his head over and poured them all out when he wasn't looking.
It usually feels good, or at least not bad. Cathartic. If emotions are liquids this tired is cleaning the tank, the sensation of patching the cracks and cleaning out the nasty stuff after things got so gunked up it overflowed, and eventually everything will be ready for a refill. But this...this just feels like failing in a whole new way. A hero should be someone who smiles in the face of adversity, who alleviates the worries of others with their presence alone. So why is smiling for others suddenly so hard?
He swallows, then shakes his head lightly.]
It's alright. Really. I've just never experienced something like that before, that's all.
[Get him, girl.]
no subject
Still, she doesn't believe him, and her knowing smile implies as much. He sounds exactly like her, except with less forced cheer than she usually tries to project. Maybe that's what makes it so easy to spot as she locks eyes with him without losing her own smile.]
I didn't ask if it was alright. I asked if you wanted to talk about it. [She wiggles the plate again, almost as if she's trying to bribe him, but her expression softens into something a little more understanding.] Nobody has to shoulder all of this stuff alone. Some really smart friends of mine told me that.
no subject
Would his classmates still agree with Shiomi, if they were here?
What facade he'd been able to maintain crumbles at the thought. Of course they would. Iida and Todoroki had practically said as much, once. He feels like an awful friend, to everyone back home and to Shiomi right now; he keeps doing his best not to worry anyone and makes them concerned about him anyway.]
I... [He stops, unsure.] ...I don't know.
[Does he want to talk? Does he not? He just wants to help people, so that's what he's been giving his focus. What he might want from others never crossed his mind. Why would it? He's not the one who matters right now.
...right...?]
no subject
But she takes his hand and puts the plate in it. Shaking it at him hadn't been enough, this is yours, now.]
It doesn't have to be with me. But... it helps to talk to somebody about what happened. It's hard, but it helps.
no subject
The things Shiomi is saying...they make sense. They sound like things he could hear his friends say, or Hound Dog-sensei, or his mother. Izuku knows, in his heart, that she's right. But sometimes bad habits are the hardest to shake, especially when they've been cultivated for his entire life.]
Everybody just went through something awful. I should be helping them, not... [...being a burden. A liability.
He has to be the best hero he can possibly be right now. He has to. He can't afford to not be good enough at the only thing in his life he's ever wanted to do.
(He's never been very good at remembering that even heroes need to cry sometimes)]
no subject
Hey, doesn't it help you when people tell you about their problems? [she asks, mostly rhetorically, because she doesn't wait for him to answer before continuing like a bulldozer,] 'Cause I know that I like helping people. And you went through something awful too, didn't you?
no subject
I--
[He swallows, practically chocking on his own words, suddenly deeply unsure what's actually the right thing to say. He's being pulled between two completely opposed lines of thought. He wants to believe so badly that it's okay to ask for help, that he deserves it just as much as anyone. It's so hard not to believe that he doesn't deserve it, that wanting it makes him bad somehow, that he's stealing help away from people who actually matter.
He doesn't want to be a burden. He doesn't want to break his promise to his classmates. He wants to power through this with a smile. He wants to cry until he feels better. He wants to hide someplace where he won't bother anyone. He wants to help everyone. He's so, so tired.]
...I don't want to feel like this anymore...