"It doesn't matter that it isn't my responsibility, Kurama." His priority had been to make sure Kurama was alright and, as a by-product, make sure that nothing happened that he would not want. It seemed... easy, at the time. A task that he did not imagine would last a month and test not only his resolve but his control of the Jagan. Obviously, some lapses had occurred with what was shared between them, but it was too late to turn back now. Far too late, so far as he can tell, actually.
"I do that often enough, don't I?" What was one more thing? And beyond that - "We don't have a choice, in this place, anyway. We are stuck here and so we will have to make due."
Because no, he has not really considered that Kurama basically confirmed his feelings for him. In fact he is quite sure that the fox has simply confirmed that he had already thought. "This was why I didn't want to say anything in the first place."
“Then... It seems Kuwabara is right, after all.” Not that he's about to elaborate on what, exactly, he's right about.
”I suppose we will.”
His head tilts when Hiei elaborates that this was why he didn't want to talk about it. His grip loosens slightly, as if considering letting him go finally - not that he does - sitting back on his heels and seeming to take a moment to consider the fire apparition's words before prompting him for an explanation.
“What the hell does Kuwabara have to do with anything?” Hiei is snarling immediately at even the idea that the teen has anything to do with this. The last thing he needed was Kuwabara interfering with anything going on between them. Or, even worse, knowing any details about what if anything was going on for them.
He might die if he has to hear any jokes about his feelings for Kurama if he’s honest.
The fire demon already feels like he is between rock and a hard place, and then Kurama has to go and ask him to elaborate. Why he hadn’t wanted to discuss it is .. easy and yet not. Already he feels the itch to find a way to escape almost as keenly as he feels the rising urge to just spit it out.
“It … is not worth losing your companionship over.” Hiei pauses, violently crushing down the urge to over share about his issues with abandonment despite the effects of the chocolate.
“It isn’t as though nothing changing will harm either of us.”
“Nothing, really. He simply said if you are not interested there is nothing to be done about it.”
Hiei says it's not worth losing him over, which is close enough to not worth trying when things can just stay the same between them, from the redhead's position. Nothing changing is better than taking the risk to him, and it's not a mentality Kurama has ever particularly agreed with. Reward requires risk a good deal of the time, he's never believed otherwise. He doesn't say anything for a long moment, apparently debating what to do next. Hiei is not wrong, at least, neither one of them will suffer if nothing changes here. They could continue on as they have been as if none of this ever happened.
“When we first met you were still recovering from your recent surgery, if you recall.” It may seem to come out of nowhere, doubling back to the question about Hiei's life before they knew each other, how he'd claimed to have an idea of what it was like. “Hard to believe this is where you draw the line. However-”
The decision comes easily enough, and the fox leans forward without giving him a chance to respond - grip tightening on the fire apparition's arms as he holds them out of his way - instead, closing the distance between them in the limited space beneath the cabinet. The kiss is nowhere near as chaste as it had been on the Solstice, pushing him back against the wall with the force of it, demanding and aggressive. It is also not as brief, but after a moment Kurama releases his grip on Hiei's arms finally, teeth dragging over his bottom lip almost pointedly when the fox pulls away.
“If that is truly what you wish, I will not bring it up again.”
"What would he know about my interest -" Switching to irritation about Kuwabara is, practically, an easy escape for the fire demon. Of course he will take the excuse to bitch about the teen not knowing what it is he wants or how he'd like to handle it rather than move on to the fact that he is very much interested. They both know that already, though, whether he says it or not. Hiei simply thinks that, of all beings, he will do little more than make a mess of things to even attempt a relationship with the fox.
Kurama moves on to his jagan surgery before Hiei has the chance to interject with any of that, leaving the fire demon blinking as he continues, a little blind sided by the change in subject. Fair play, considering he had been doing the same, but what follows throws him even further in a loop.
If Kurama hadn't been holding his arms out of his way he would have gladly clutched them in the fox's clothes, made a bid for a bit more leverage if Kurama would allow it - This aggressive kiss is far more up his alley than their fleeting affection before, the realization fast and furious as the way Kurama's teeth on his lip sends his heart fluttering.
For a long moment Hiei simply blinks back at Kurama, as if trying to get his head back in order, gather himself up somehow, but, finally he manages to form words, as quiet as they are (regrettably) honest.
Hiei doesn't immediately flee, taking a moment to recover before speaking and Kurama- does not immediately know what to do with that. Fully expecting the fire demon to bolt once he was given the chance, only for him to remain and continue the conversation.
“He knows as much as everyone else. The app is not exactly private, as I know you're aware. You can't fault anyone for believing what you've said.”
Hiei still has it within himself to look like a petulant child the moment Kurama mentions the app not being private. He had not been aware at first, but with that knowledge gained at some point along the way he'd done his usual, reflexive habit of projecting what he wanted to be seen. He feels like he can't be blamed for that, really, when the app itself seemed to be geared toward exposing every little thing that he did not, in fact, want to share in any sense of the word.
"So you meant to say in public that you took me on a date and did not explain it as such?" It could have cleared up so much, actually, even if he'd have to ask what the hell made a date different from any other dinner.
He's surprised to find Hiei not doubling down on the matter of Kuwabara, but this line of questioning feels almost delayed in a way. His head tilts curiously, as if seriously considering his response before speaking.
"Would it have made a difference if I had? Dinner is dinner, and you are not exactly interested in human customs."
"It would have made things a little clearer!" The fire demon huffs, brows tilting slightly with his annoyance. He hadn't thought for a moment that the chicken was anything more than a little secret dinner meant for just the two of them without the others. Maybe he should have drawn the conclusion the moment Kuwabara explained what a date was, but the dinner had been well behind them by now for the fire demon to draw the conclusion.
"And now Kuwabara will never shut up about the fact I did not know it was a date!"
The fox remains unbothered by Hiei's offense, tone cool despite the fire apparition's blatant annoyance.
“As I said, you asked me to drop it. Would clarifying at the time have done anything more than feel like a mockery to you? You are still accusing me of rubbing your nose in things, all these months later. I was simply... Trying not to complicate matters further.”
“Kurama-” Yes, he had asked Kurama to drop it. That much he knew and now realized was a somewhat shot in his own foot. Fumbling through things for the first time like this included many missteps, apparently, though most had been aimed at protecting himself.
After all of this he is still a little shocked to understand that Kurama feels the same.
“You know you are more -“ A pause where Hiei struggles to work out the right word. “- more well versed with things like this.”
And, actually, now that he thinks about it -
“How is bringing me somewhere for a date dropping it, anyway?” Squinting, obviously not willing to stop worrying at that particular bone to pick just yet.
Hiei doubles back to demand how that counts as dropping it and Kurama shifts to sit on the counter once more without responding.
“You have not answered my question.” He's not about to let that slide and enable the fire apparition dodging whatever he wants, if they're going to get anywhere with this discussion that will only slow their progress.
“What harm did it cause, exactly? You were unaware that it could be interpreted as a date.”
Hiei’s eyes narrow as Kurama pushes him to answer the question. The answer is… so simple and yet so embarrassing at the same time. His own inexperience crushed together with his barely concealed lack of self worth complicating things.
The fire demon trusts Kurama with his life, and yet admitting things that may make him look weak remain very difficult to do.
“It’s confusing.” He finally growls out as he comes back to a normal sitting position not leaned back under the cabinets, still annoyed about this entire episode. Even knowing that Kurama was interested likely would not have changed a thing, though.
“I thought you could not possibly feel the same and it was this place interfering mixed up with -“ Hiei growls again, frustrated at his lack of vocabulary to describe.
“- With wanting to keep close, with the unknown threats this place could have.”
“I admit, I was not quite sure, myself. When it came up originally, I thought better of examining any feelings, since you... seemed to prefer it that way.”
He glances away as if studying the kitchen idly, before adding cautiously, “Christmas was... dinner. I merely wanted you to enjoy it, it never had to mean anything beyond that.” Not that it stopped him from feeling a certain way about Hiei interpreting the event as transactional, even now, but they didn't need to rehash that part.
“As Kuwabara said, a date sometimes is meant to feel things out. If an opening had come up, perhaps- but it did not. You had made it clear that you were not interested in discussing it, I did not wish to press the issue.”
Hiei grumbles lowly to himself despite it making sense - sort of. For a moment, he is frustrated at his own inability to recognize or acknowledge the signs, and then irritated that so much time has been whittled away in the meantime. How long now could they have resolved all of this and been moving toward something other than annoying each other and generally being.. well.
Bickering without being a couple, though Hiei is not quite sure what the hell being a couple really means.
Though.. with this sort of out of the way, Hiei leans closer, deciding to be bold.
Hiei grumbles and Kurama anticipates another round of frustrated complaint, visibly surprised by the response he gets instead. The fox smiles slowly at the question, curious.
“If you'd like, but perhaps, first, we should go somewhere more comfortable.” The kitchen counters weren't exactly his first choice for a place to unwind, whether the house was empty or not. He does lean forward to punctuate his point with a quick kiss, mostly in acknowledgement of the request so as not to leave the fire apparition hanging in his effort to close the distance between them.
“Unless you were planning to have more snacks, first.”
Hiei's head tips, slightly, as Kurama says they should go somewhere more comfortable. Of course even this tight area is comfortable for him, as small as he is, and so it hasn't occurred to him that tucked in here between the cabinets is not the best spot for Kurama. He is still not the best with thinking beyond himself, but maybe with time and effort, he can become some measure of 'better.'
He thinks, for a moment, that he ought to say something contrite before Kurama leans in for a kiss, which properly smashes down anything that might have been like 'resistance' in him.
"They can wait." Hiei slides off of the counter easily enough, hands tucked into his pockets.
Kurama isn't just worried about how limited the space is for both of them to be crammed into at once, but if one of the others happened to show up right now, especially after that particular request. Hiei had made enough of a fuss about Kuwabara being in their business, he wasn't about to risk a chance encounter in their very public kitchen now that things seemed to be smoothing over.
The fox watches Hiei slide from the counter before hopping off himself, humming thoughtfully at the fire demon's words. “I'm sure the clearing where we spent all that time during the glitches should be private enough. It shouldn't take too long to clean up, if it's overgrown since then.”
It can also be conveniently reached through the back door in the kitchen, but he doesn't point that out, simply tilting his head in that direction to indicate his intention. “Unless you'd prefer somewhere that I didn't take you on a date without permission.”
“If you want to go there.” Hiei isn’t really sure of where they would go, or why Kurama is insistent on privacy at the moment. His mind can only go so far when he’s fixated on getting more of those biting kisses. Or quite simply on enjoying some time alone now that there isn’t so much unspoken tension going on
For the moment, anyway.
He is aware enough of the fact that their time in said clearing recently had not been all that kind to either of them, though his inkling toward concern disappears in a growl as Kurama leans in to his more usual teasing.
Of course, Kurama is more prone to thinking of every possibility. That Hiei's previous griping about Kuwabara would only be justified if they remained somewhere the human was likely to show up without thinking much about it. That the corner of the kitchen was practically out of sight, but also a dead-end should someone walk in, and those reasons are enough to keep the fox from being comfortable there.
His head tips once more at the growl, that faint smile never wavering. “I'm afraid that would defeat the purpose. Being with you is what made it enjoyable.”
The fire demon is no more amused than he ever was by the fox’s continued teasing or that now ingratiating little smile. Of course he would pull this now, when all he had simply wanted was to chase that little moment of abandon earlier.
A shame it had to be crushed between conversation he is glad is over with and yet never wanted to have all at the same time. And that the redhead just can’t help himself.
Red eyes blink for a moment, wide, seemingly debating teetering on shyness on what the fox has just said and his own irritation.
“And yet you insist on doing this.” Being annoying and saying something smooth to throw him off kilter, that is. Ever easy to tip the scales on the fire demon’s expression tips more toward a scowl, already beginning to angle away and calculate his trajectories.
“Let me know when this obnoxious mood of yours has gone away.” Aka when the egg has worn off. Clearly that is to blame here.
His expression falls immediately, between Hiei's retort and growing scowl, reminded of the fox tail charm he'd gifted him before the wish seed incident, and how his response to that hadn't gone over well, either. Kurama is not going to stop him if he's intent on leaving, but even that is reminiscent of an earlier interaction, he's now reconsidering from a different perspective. It takes him a moment to respond at all - seeming to debate before settling on a decision - before asking cautiously, “Doing what, exactly?”
Hiei, for a long moment, gives Kurama one of those long stares that says 'you know exactly what you are doing.' The fire demon waits a little longer as if expecting Kurama to finally come out and admit it, too, fully thinking that the youko is doing it on purpose. It does not occur to him that he is being overly sensitive about it, or that Kurama is by any chance attempting to flirt with him.
Their growing closer is something of a double-edged sword for the fire demon in this way - he becomes even more jumpy to perceived slights, even when they are not.
Kurama does not move as Hiei waits him out, more than half expecting the fire apparition to turn and leave without answering. When he does give one finally, the redhead's eyebrows quirk in disbelief and confusion momentarily, glancing away and exhaling softly before speaking again. He can't claim Hiei is wrong after the initial tease that originally soured the demon's mood, but he'd thought the follow up would smooth things over a bit, not make it worse.
“Saying that I enjoy our time together is not a joke-”
Hiei's arms cross over his chest with a huff. Of course he has no idea how to read these situations, how to even begin to know what the hell was flirting or joking or anything else. To him it suddenly feels as though the entire thing was a little joke he wasn't quite in on, his request something that the fox intends to at least rib him on.
It's not entirely true, but even asking for something like this is entirely new and sensitive for the fire demon.
"How am I meant to tell the difference when you're constantly going back and forth?"
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expiationlogs2025-04-13 10:48 pm
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"It doesn't matter that it isn't my responsibility, Kurama." His priority had been to make sure Kurama was alright and, as a by-product, make sure that nothing happened that he would not want. It seemed... easy, at the time. A task that he did not imagine would last a month and test not only his resolve but his control of the Jagan. Obviously, some lapses had occurred with what was shared between them, but it was too late to turn back now. Far too late, so far as he can tell, actually.
"I do that often enough, don't I?" What was one more thing? And beyond that - "We don't have a choice, in this place, anyway. We are stuck here and so we will have to make due."
Because no, he has not really considered that Kurama basically confirmed his feelings for him. In fact he is quite sure that the fox has simply confirmed that he had already thought. "This was why I didn't want to say anything in the first place."
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”I suppose we will.”
His head tilts when Hiei elaborates that this was why he didn't want to talk about it. His grip loosens slightly, as if considering letting him go finally - not that he does - sitting back on his heels and seeming to take a moment to consider the fire apparition's words before prompting him for an explanation.
How many topics had they addressed here?
“... Why is that?”
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“What the hell does Kuwabara have to do with anything?” Hiei is snarling immediately at even the idea that the teen has anything to do with this. The last thing he needed was Kuwabara interfering with anything going on between them. Or, even worse, knowing any details about what if anything was going on for them.
He might die if he has to hear any jokes about his feelings for Kurama if he’s honest.
The fire demon already feels like he is between rock and a hard place, and then Kurama has to go and ask him to elaborate. Why he hadn’t wanted to discuss it is .. easy and yet not. Already he feels the itch to find a way to escape almost as keenly as he feels the rising urge to just spit it out.
“It … is not worth losing your companionship over.” Hiei pauses, violently crushing down the urge to over share about his issues with abandonment despite the effects of the chocolate.
“It isn’t as though nothing changing will harm either of us.”
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Hiei says it's not worth losing him over, which is close enough to not worth trying when things can just stay the same between them, from the redhead's position. Nothing changing is better than taking the risk to him, and it's not a mentality Kurama has ever particularly agreed with. Reward requires risk a good deal of the time, he's never believed otherwise. He doesn't say anything for a long moment, apparently debating what to do next. Hiei is not wrong, at least, neither one of them will suffer if nothing changes here. They could continue on as they have been as if none of this ever happened.
“When we first met you were still recovering from your recent surgery, if you recall.” It may seem to come out of nowhere, doubling back to the question about Hiei's life before they knew each other, how he'd claimed to have an idea of what it was like. “Hard to believe this is where you draw the line. However-”
The decision comes easily enough, and the fox leans forward without giving him a chance to respond - grip tightening on the fire apparition's arms as he holds them out of his way - instead, closing the distance between them in the limited space beneath the cabinet. The kiss is nowhere near as chaste as it had been on the Solstice, pushing him back against the wall with the force of it, demanding and aggressive. It is also not as brief, but after a moment Kurama releases his grip on Hiei's arms finally, teeth dragging over his bottom lip almost pointedly when the fox pulls away.
“If that is truly what you wish, I will not bring it up again.”
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"What would he know about my interest -" Switching to irritation about Kuwabara is, practically, an easy escape for the fire demon. Of course he will take the excuse to bitch about the teen not knowing what it is he wants or how he'd like to handle it rather than move on to the fact that he is very much interested. They both know that already, though, whether he says it or not. Hiei simply thinks that, of all beings, he will do little more than make a mess of things to even attempt a relationship with the fox.
Kurama moves on to his jagan surgery before Hiei has the chance to interject with any of that, leaving the fire demon blinking as he continues, a little blind sided by the change in subject. Fair play, considering he had been doing the same, but what follows throws him even further in a loop.
If Kurama hadn't been holding his arms out of his way he would have gladly clutched them in the fox's clothes, made a bid for a bit more leverage if Kurama would allow it - This aggressive kiss is far more up his alley than their fleeting affection before, the realization fast and furious as the way Kurama's teeth on his lip sends his heart fluttering.
For a long moment Hiei simply blinks back at Kurama, as if trying to get his head back in order, gather himself up somehow, but, finally he manages to form words, as quiet as they are (regrettably) honest.
"It isn't a matter of not.. wanting..."
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“He knows as much as everyone else. The app is not exactly private, as I know you're aware. You can't fault anyone for believing what you've said.”
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Hiei still has it within himself to look like a petulant child the moment Kurama mentions the app not being private. He had not been aware at first, but with that knowledge gained at some point along the way he'd done his usual, reflexive habit of projecting what he wanted to be seen. He feels like he can't be blamed for that, really, when the app itself seemed to be geared toward exposing every little thing that he did not, in fact, want to share in any sense of the word.
"So you meant to say in public that you took me on a date and did not explain it as such?" It could have cleared up so much, actually, even if he'd have to ask what the hell made a date different from any other dinner.
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"Would it have made a difference if I had? Dinner is dinner, and you are not exactly interested in human customs."
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"It would have made things a little clearer!" The fire demon huffs, brows tilting slightly with his annoyance. He hadn't thought for a moment that the chicken was anything more than a little secret dinner meant for just the two of them without the others. Maybe he should have drawn the conclusion the moment Kuwabara explained what a date was, but the dinner had been well behind them by now for the fire demon to draw the conclusion.
"And now Kuwabara will never shut up about the fact I did not know it was a date!"
Clearly the larger offense, here.
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“As I said, you asked me to drop it. Would clarifying at the time have done anything more than feel like a mockery to you? You are still accusing me of rubbing your nose in things, all these months later. I was simply... Trying not to complicate matters further.”
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“Kurama-” Yes, he had asked Kurama to drop it. That much he knew and now realized was a somewhat shot in his own foot. Fumbling through things for the first time like this included many missteps, apparently, though most had been aimed at protecting himself.
After all of this he is still a little shocked to understand that Kurama feels the same.
“You know you are more -“ A pause where Hiei struggles to work out the right word. “- more well versed with things like this.”
And, actually, now that he thinks about it -
“How is bringing me somewhere for a date dropping it, anyway?” Squinting, obviously not willing to stop worrying at that particular bone to pick just yet.
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“You have not answered my question.” He's not about to let that slide and enable the fire apparition dodging whatever he wants, if they're going to get anywhere with this discussion that will only slow their progress.
“What harm did it cause, exactly? You were unaware that it could be interpreted as a date.”
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Hiei’s eyes narrow as Kurama pushes him to answer the question. The answer is… so simple and yet so embarrassing at the same time. His own inexperience crushed together with his barely concealed lack of self worth complicating things.
The fire demon trusts Kurama with his life, and yet admitting things that may make him look weak remain very difficult to do.
“It’s confusing.” He finally growls out as he comes back to a normal sitting position not leaned back under the cabinets, still annoyed about this entire episode. Even knowing that Kurama was interested likely would not have changed a thing, though.
“I thought you could not possibly feel the same and it was this place interfering mixed up with -“ Hiei growls again, frustrated at his lack of vocabulary to describe.
“- With wanting to keep close, with the unknown threats this place could have.”
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He glances away as if studying the kitchen idly, before adding cautiously, “Christmas was... dinner. I merely wanted you to enjoy it, it never had to mean anything beyond that.” Not that it stopped him from feeling a certain way about Hiei interpreting the event as transactional, even now, but they didn't need to rehash that part.
“As Kuwabara said, a date sometimes is meant to feel things out. If an opening had come up, perhaps- but it did not. You had made it clear that you were not interested in discussing it, I did not wish to press the issue.”
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Hiei grumbles lowly to himself despite it making sense - sort of. For a moment, he is frustrated at his own inability to recognize or acknowledge the signs, and then irritated that so much time has been whittled away in the meantime. How long now could they have resolved all of this and been moving toward something other than annoying each other and generally being.. well.
Bickering without being a couple, though Hiei is not quite sure what the hell being a couple really means.
Though.. with this sort of out of the way, Hiei leans closer, deciding to be bold.
"Can we... do that again?"
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“If you'd like, but perhaps, first, we should go somewhere more comfortable.” The kitchen counters weren't exactly his first choice for a place to unwind, whether the house was empty or not. He does lean forward to punctuate his point with a quick kiss, mostly in acknowledgement of the request so as not to leave the fire apparition hanging in his effort to close the distance between them.
“Unless you were planning to have more snacks, first.”
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Hiei's head tips, slightly, as Kurama says they should go somewhere more comfortable. Of course even this tight area is comfortable for him, as small as he is, and so it hasn't occurred to him that tucked in here between the cabinets is not the best spot for Kurama. He is still not the best with thinking beyond himself, but maybe with time and effort, he can become some measure of 'better.'
He thinks, for a moment, that he ought to say something contrite before Kurama leans in for a kiss, which properly smashes down anything that might have been like 'resistance' in him.
"They can wait." Hiei slides off of the counter easily enough, hands tucked into his pockets.
"Your choice, I was comfortable where we were."
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The fox watches Hiei slide from the counter before hopping off himself, humming thoughtfully at the fire demon's words. “I'm sure the clearing where we spent all that time during the glitches should be private enough. It shouldn't take too long to clean up, if it's overgrown since then.”
It can also be conveniently reached through the back door in the kitchen, but he doesn't point that out, simply tilting his head in that direction to indicate his intention. “Unless you'd prefer somewhere that I didn't take you on a date without permission.”
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“If you want to go there.” Hiei isn’t really sure of where they would go, or why Kurama is insistent on privacy at the moment. His mind can only go so far when he’s fixated on getting more of those biting kisses. Or quite simply on enjoying some time alone now that there isn’t so much unspoken tension going on
For the moment, anyway.
He is aware enough of the fact that their time in said clearing recently had not been all that kind to either of them, though his inkling toward concern disappears in a growl as Kurama leans in to his more usual teasing.
“Keep carrying on and you can go by yourself.”
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His head tips once more at the growl, that faint smile never wavering. “I'm afraid that would defeat the purpose. Being with you is what made it enjoyable.”
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The fire demon is no more amused than he ever was by the fox’s continued teasing or that now ingratiating little smile. Of course he would pull this now, when all he had simply wanted was to chase that little moment of abandon earlier.
A shame it had to be crushed between conversation he is glad is over with and yet never wanted to have all at the same time. And that the redhead just can’t help himself.
Red eyes blink for a moment, wide, seemingly debating teetering on shyness on what the fox has just said and his own irritation.
“And yet you insist on doing this.” Being annoying and saying something smooth to throw him off kilter, that is. Ever easy to tip the scales on the fire demon’s expression tips more toward a scowl, already beginning to angle away and calculate his trajectories.
“Let me know when this obnoxious mood of yours has gone away.” Aka when the egg has worn off. Clearly that is to blame here.
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Hiei, for a long moment, gives Kurama one of those long stares that says 'you know exactly what you are doing.' The fire demon waits a little longer as if expecting Kurama to finally come out and admit it, too, fully thinking that the youko is doing it on purpose. It does not occur to him that he is being overly sensitive about it, or that Kurama is by any chance attempting to flirt with him.
Their growing closer is something of a double-edged sword for the fire demon in this way - he becomes even more jumpy to perceived slights, even when they are not.
"This. You are making a joke of it."
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“Saying that I enjoy our time together is not a joke-”
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Hiei's arms cross over his chest with a huff. Of course he has no idea how to read these situations, how to even begin to know what the hell was flirting or joking or anything else. To him it suddenly feels as though the entire thing was a little joke he wasn't quite in on, his request something that the fox intends to at least rib him on.
It's not entirely true, but even asking for something like this is entirely new and sensitive for the fire demon.
"How am I meant to tell the difference when you're constantly going back and forth?"
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