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expiationlogs2025-03-11 10:18 am
expiationmods) wrote in expiationlogs2025-03-11 10:18 am
Entry tags:
You...
[ It was resentful, and yet there probably wasn't any insult or threat actually waiting on the end of that word. He half expects to have the rug pulled out from under him. The lack of payoff is nearing offensive. But just when he might change his mind and decide it's a waste to try attacking him, something about it all shifts.
It's plainly visible in the way his eyes lose focus, dilating as if looking into the light, and his age really starts to show in a way it hardly ever does.
Good thing it's probably the deepest part of his nature to be stubborn. The look of confusion is shaken off in favor of thrashing wildly — and with nothing physical actually holding him back, this results in creating space — space which he now quickly fills by trying to run. Except Miller, on his prosthetic feet, doesn't try to get far. ]
Why? What happened to you? You can't just give up without taking everyone else down with you?
[ It was resentful, and yet there probably wasn't any insult or threat actually waiting on the end of that word. He half expects to have the rug pulled out from under him. The lack of payoff is nearing offensive. But just when he might change his mind and decide it's a waste to try attacking him, something about it all shifts.
It's plainly visible in the way his eyes lose focus, dilating as if looking into the light, and his age really starts to show in a way it hardly ever does.
Good thing it's probably the deepest part of his nature to be stubborn. The look of confusion is shaken off in favor of thrashing wildly — and with nothing physical actually holding him back, this results in creating space — space which he now quickly fills by trying to run. Except Miller, on his prosthetic feet, doesn't try to get far. ]
Why? What happened to you? You can't just give up without taking everyone else down with you?
[For a moment, he thinks he sees it. The fatigue, the loss, the nothingness. But then Miller has wrenched himself away, though not as far or as quickly as Altius has seen others move from him.
The shade's approach would have only been slow, either way. There's only so much fight in him like this—a fragment of the goal that's driven his life the past decade still clinging to him despite the wish seed grasping his desire to end.]
And grant only myself the rest everyone deserves...? [No. He would see it as too selfish to sink into darkness alone.] I have to make one last try.
[As he tries to approach, he moves into a space where the angle of the rooftop no longer blocks a street light—and the yellow eyes narrow a moment as he ducks his head away from it, back into the shadow.]
The shade's approach would have only been slow, either way. There's only so much fight in him like this—a fragment of the goal that's driven his life the past decade still clinging to him despite the wish seed grasping his desire to end.]
And grant only myself the rest everyone deserves...? [No. He would see it as too selfish to sink into darkness alone.] I have to make one last try.
[As he tries to approach, he moves into a space where the angle of the rooftop no longer blocks a street light—and the yellow eyes narrow a moment as he ducks his head away from it, back into the shadow.]
Damn. Kuwabara's not sure what he'd been expecting (Normalcy, in this lifetime? Here??), but it hadn't been Kurama threaded through with vines, the various growths emerging. Pretty rough to look at, but he has to land on the fact that he's seen worse.
"Damn, dude, that's fucked up," is his extremely helpful commentary as he gets up to approach, popping down again once he's drawn up beside Kurama, like a better look's gonna help him land on a solution.
"It's one of the seeds that girl dropped, huh? I don't know why, but I guess I didn't think it was this literal. But it manifests different ways, too, right? And you're a big plant guy."
Thus the garden. Thus speculation on finding the 'right plant for the occasion.' Unfortunately, Kuwabara's not very helpful in that field, either, but now that he's done being surprised at the outcome he'd at least half-demanded, he stops looking at the vines winding around Kurama's fingers and looks him in the face instead. He smiles, unforced, first warm and friendly and then broad and victorious.
"Glad to have you back. We'll figure it out."
"Damn, dude, that's fucked up," is his extremely helpful commentary as he gets up to approach, popping down again once he's drawn up beside Kurama, like a better look's gonna help him land on a solution.
"It's one of the seeds that girl dropped, huh? I don't know why, but I guess I didn't think it was this literal. But it manifests different ways, too, right? And you're a big plant guy."
Thus the garden. Thus speculation on finding the 'right plant for the occasion.' Unfortunately, Kuwabara's not very helpful in that field, either, but now that he's done being surprised at the outcome he'd at least half-demanded, he stops looking at the vines winding around Kurama's fingers and looks him in the face instead. He smiles, unforced, first warm and friendly and then broad and victorious.
"Glad to have you back. We'll figure it out."
[oh, Scott.
she notices that he looks kinda helpless about it, and she smiles a bit.]
You don't have to comfort me or anything. And I don't appreciate how it keeps coming back around to me when I'm trying to talk to you, kid.
[she would playfully nudge or smack him, but she's not sure how sore he really is. so she keeps her hands to herself, tilting her head.]
The point is, we still love each other. And we've moved past all that. It'll be fine, in the end.
she notices that he looks kinda helpless about it, and she smiles a bit.]
You don't have to comfort me or anything. And I don't appreciate how it keeps coming back around to me when I'm trying to talk to you, kid.
[she would playfully nudge or smack him, but she's not sure how sore he really is. so she keeps her hands to herself, tilting her head.]
The point is, we still love each other. And we've moved past all that. It'll be fine, in the end.
I'm plenty smart, I know that. But if that person was in trouble again, I'd do it all over again.
[she's just a little self destructive when it comes to friends and family...
don't look at her, she doesn't like being seen.]
Good advice though, I'll remember that.
[she moves her arm around a bit as if to test it, and nods in approval. she also might be sounding a little bit sarcastic...]
[she's just a little self destructive when it comes to friends and family...
don't look at her, she doesn't like being seen.]
Good advice though, I'll remember that.
[she moves her arm around a bit as if to test it, and nods in approval. she also might be sounding a little bit sarcastic...]
[He sighs faintly; her attitude is clear as day.]
I could always threaten to strap you down to something, if you prefer. [But he's stepping over to get the painkillers and a small glass of water.]
I could always threaten to strap you down to something, if you prefer. [But he's stepping over to get the painkillers and a small glass of water.]
[ Maybe they're alike in that respect.
He's poured way too much of himself into his fight. So many lives lost, so many blind decisions made from faith or paranoia or an insistence to claw for whatever small crumb would keep them afloat. It's far too much to discard for his own personal rest. But he lost something in those decisions he convinces himself he had no choice but to make, and physically, he can't keep up anymore.
Which is why talk seems like his only shot at getting out of this. Saying something that might trigger an emotional response. Though as he stumbles back into the light cast down on the road, Miller can't help but consider himself lucky that this ambush of his isn't more aggressive.
He stares into the umbrella of darkness Altius retreats into. ]
No, you don't. Listen to me. We're dead. I didn't want to admit it, but all of us here have already died. Even now I refuse to let my family go on without me if there's any chance I could still do something for them... but I've been sure of that for some time now. There's nothing you or I can do to change or control that.
He's poured way too much of himself into his fight. So many lives lost, so many blind decisions made from faith or paranoia or an insistence to claw for whatever small crumb would keep them afloat. It's far too much to discard for his own personal rest. But he lost something in those decisions he convinces himself he had no choice but to make, and physically, he can't keep up anymore.
Which is why talk seems like his only shot at getting out of this. Saying something that might trigger an emotional response. Though as he stumbles back into the light cast down on the road, Miller can't help but consider himself lucky that this ambush of his isn't more aggressive.
He stares into the umbrella of darkness Altius retreats into. ]
No, you don't. Listen to me. We're dead. I didn't want to admit it, but all of us here have already died. Even now I refuse to let my family go on without me if there's any chance I could still do something for them... but I've been sure of that for some time now. There's nothing you or I can do to change or control that.
[Something changes in the shade once Miller has spoken. He stops his approach and his demeanor sharpens; the slits of his pupils narrow, and his expression becomes more grounded in a way, furrow in his brow. His voice similarly becomes more forceful, though it's still quiet.
The idea that he's already dead—that they all are—is unacceptable.]
What makes you so sure?
The idea that he's already dead—that they all are—is unacceptable.]
What makes you so sure?
People talk to me about their problems a lot.
[Busted again, huh?
That helpless expression shifts into a small smile, the mutant looking back down on his lap with a somewhat lighter feeling in his chest. It probably won't last too long, but it's nice right now. Maybe it's all he can hope for right now, when things are so fucked up.]
...But I'm glad, Vi. For the both of you. [Sometimes he wants to bonk Jinx and tell her to don't take her sibling for granted. Especially one that cares about her so much. He was too late with Alex. Granted, Alex never tried to kill him, but yanno.]
And don't worry, I don't plan on letting this fester between me and the person who did this. It's not like she wanted this anyway.
[Busted again, huh?
That helpless expression shifts into a small smile, the mutant looking back down on his lap with a somewhat lighter feeling in his chest. It probably won't last too long, but it's nice right now. Maybe it's all he can hope for right now, when things are so fucked up.]
...But I'm glad, Vi. For the both of you. [Sometimes he wants to bonk Jinx and tell her to don't take her sibling for granted. Especially one that cares about her so much. He was too late with Alex. Granted, Alex never tried to kill him, but yanno.]
And don't worry, I don't plan on letting this fester between me and the person who did this. It's not like she wanted this anyway.
[He strides back and hands her the medicine. Without missing a beat,]
I'm sure I could ask Ms. Kiramman to do the honors, but you'd better take care of yourself if you don't want others to watch.
I'm sure I could ask Ms. Kiramman to do the honors, but you'd better take care of yourself if you don't want others to watch.
Yeah, I saw.
[ he doesn't mean just the post that fauna had made — he means seeing someone transformed, too, remembers the slight weight of altius and his shadowy hand on his shoulder, the quiet whisper of his voice.
and then, as scott continues, his response is a succinct, ] Oh, bloody hell.
[ yeah, he doesn't need any further explanations. ]
Is she alright?
[ he doesn't mean just the post that fauna had made — he means seeing someone transformed, too, remembers the slight weight of altius and his shadowy hand on his shoulder, the quiet whisper of his voice.
and then, as scott continues, his response is a succinct, ] Oh, bloody hell.
[ yeah, he doesn't need any further explanations. ]
Is she alright?
[ He tenses, sensing that he's touched on something as he hoped he might.
Coming across sincerely is not a struggle, however... as it's an admission that he truly feels is real. ]
Just pay attention to the world around you. I've probably met a dozen people by now who remember their deaths in detail. The few of us who have "returned home" during their stay claim they have no recollection of this place while they're gone. We're constantly plagued by personal demons and memories that a computer intelligence gathering people from every conceivable place in time and space should have no way of invoking!
[ At least, not unless they pull magic into the equation and that's too outside of his wheelhouse to think about. Because most of all— ]
I could have died at any moment before I arrived here. The radiation was beating me down and it would have continued until there was nothing left. Am I really supposed to think that I'm alone in this? Me and these other dozen people?
[ What makes the living Chosen so special? ]
Coming across sincerely is not a struggle, however... as it's an admission that he truly feels is real. ]
Just pay attention to the world around you. I've probably met a dozen people by now who remember their deaths in detail. The few of us who have "returned home" during their stay claim they have no recollection of this place while they're gone. We're constantly plagued by personal demons and memories that a computer intelligence gathering people from every conceivable place in time and space should have no way of invoking!
[ At least, not unless they pull magic into the equation and that's too outside of his wheelhouse to think about. Because most of all— ]
I could have died at any moment before I arrived here. The radiation was beating me down and it would have continued until there was nothing left. Am I really supposed to think that I'm alone in this? Me and these other dozen people?
[ What makes the living Chosen so special? ]
[It always helps when he can focus on someone other than himself, especially if Kotone is the person he's putting his thoughts towards. It's that shift that brings some life back to Scott, the teen acting just a little more like 'normal.']
She's back to normal. [Which probably doesn't answer Charles's question too much about if she's really okay or not. He... he doesn't think she's okay, knowing her. Sure, she might be smiling at others, pushing her own guilt and feelings down, but that's how she always deals with things. He's worried. Of course he is, even if she's the reason why he's hurting so much.
It's not her fault.]
...But I don't think she's okay, Charles. [Should he speak for her like that? He can't help it, he's really worried. At least Charles is someone that they both trust.] I-I'm worried about her.
[Scott turns to Charles, something almost pleading about him.] Can you check on her?
She's back to normal. [Which probably doesn't answer Charles's question too much about if she's really okay or not. He... he doesn't think she's okay, knowing her. Sure, she might be smiling at others, pushing her own guilt and feelings down, but that's how she always deals with things. He's worried. Of course he is, even if she's the reason why he's hurting so much.
It's not her fault.]
...But I don't think she's okay, Charles. [Should he speak for her like that? He can't help it, he's really worried. At least Charles is someone that they both trust.] I-I'm worried about her.
[Scott turns to Charles, something almost pleading about him.] Can you check on her?
[The shade grits his teeth.
Memories wouldn't be difficult to suppress, in the grand scheme of things, externally or internally. It might even be an easier process than reaching across to all these separate worlds to trap their living consciousnesses—pulling them from a particular moment in time and supposedly returning them unscathed as if nothing had ever happened...
He hates the thought of it. He almost hisses his response.]
For this to be some sort of twisted afterlife... [which he's hardly ever believed in,] more torment on top of everything we've already suffered?
[No. Death is supposed to be a refuge. It's supposed to be nothingness. An absence. If he's already dead—then there is nothing more he can do.
His hands curl at his sides as he realizes what that really means to him, past the grasp of the wish seed. He's no longer looking straight at Miller, scowling off at a distant street as wisps of shadow start to rise off of him, the shine of his hair underneath.]
I refuse.
Memories wouldn't be difficult to suppress, in the grand scheme of things, externally or internally. It might even be an easier process than reaching across to all these separate worlds to trap their living consciousnesses—pulling them from a particular moment in time and supposedly returning them unscathed as if nothing had ever happened...
He hates the thought of it. He almost hisses his response.]
For this to be some sort of twisted afterlife... [which he's hardly ever believed in,] more torment on top of everything we've already suffered?
[No. Death is supposed to be a refuge. It's supposed to be nothingness. An absence. If he's already dead—then there is nothing more he can do.
His hands curl at his sides as he realizes what that really means to him, past the grasp of the wish seed. He's no longer looking straight at Miller, scowling off at a distant street as wisps of shadow start to rise off of him, the shine of his hair underneath.]
I refuse.
[ .. that's it?!
Okay, usually Ange doesn't want to involve herself in weird situations like this, but right now she's feeling kind of personally offended by how hard she's getting iced out from getting to the bottom of what's going on here - so she's quickly speedwalking right after Akutagawa.
You're not getting away like this, boy!! ]
What does that even mean?!
[ You better tell her!!! ]
Okay, usually Ange doesn't want to involve herself in weird situations like this, but right now she's feeling kind of personally offended by how hard she's getting iced out from getting to the bottom of what's going on here - so she's quickly speedwalking right after Akutagawa.
You're not getting away like this, boy!! ]
What does that even mean?!
[ You better tell her!!! ]
[The voice that carries over to the shadow is calm, perhaps familiar. Hard to say, to discern in the haze of her confusion. Slowly, her head lifts — she turns around to regard Aloy with wide and empty, glowing eyes.
She tries to speak. It comes out in distorted, warped clicks in the back of her throat, low and discordant.]
She tries to speak. It comes out in distorted, warped clicks in the back of her throat, low and discordant.]
[She tries to understand, maybe just as hard as this figure tries to express itself. But it doesn't make sense to her. At least with machines, Aloy has context clues, understands a sound as a cry of alarm or a sign of aggression.
But strange clicks, and that disconcerting look.
Aloy takes a half-step back before she's even thought about it.]
Little bit of a rough voice, huh.
But strange clicks, and that disconcerting look.
Aloy takes a half-step back before she's even thought about it.]
Little bit of a rough voice, huh.
Yeah, well. You need to take care of yourself, too.
[in any way possible. she knows what it's like to keep going regardless of being tired. that's how she ended up so damn burnt out and in those pitfighting arenas.
though she figures Scott wouldn't do anything so drastic here.]
Good. I'm sure you'll smooth everything over with her. This place does some wild shit, so we have to make sure it doesn't fuck up our bonds with other people.
[in any way possible. she knows what it's like to keep going regardless of being tired. that's how she ended up so damn burnt out and in those pitfighting arenas.
though she figures Scott wouldn't do anything so drastic here.]
Good. I'm sure you'll smooth everything over with her. This place does some wild shit, so we have to make sure it doesn't fuck up our bonds with other people.
[ It doesn't seem that he has to ask her to follow twice. When he starts walking, Ange pretty much immediately moves to follow him, jogging a few steps so she's at least walking at his side rather than awkwardly trailing behind Silco. ]
I'm not exactly body guard material.
[ It's said with a bit of Ange's usual deadpan tone, despite her feeling worried about the situation. Mostly because she feels like the idea of her being a body guard of any kind is slightly ridiculous.. She's so short and has trouble opening heavy doors.. Witch or not, she doesn't think she would be seen as very intimidating by others. ]
And I don't think anything here is going to harm you. [ .. she pauses, then shakes her head, amending: ] Well, more like I know that you would be able to get away from anything that tried.
[ She doesn't think Silco is powerful, necessarily, but he does seem like the sort of guy who could slip himself out of any dangerous situation. ]
I'm only worried because you're looking so weird. Do you really think your tasks are more important than some potential imminent death or whatever?
I'm not exactly body guard material.
[ It's said with a bit of Ange's usual deadpan tone, despite her feeling worried about the situation. Mostly because she feels like the idea of her being a body guard of any kind is slightly ridiculous.. She's so short and has trouble opening heavy doors.. Witch or not, she doesn't think she would be seen as very intimidating by others. ]
And I don't think anything here is going to harm you. [ .. she pauses, then shakes her head, amending: ] Well, more like I know that you would be able to get away from anything that tried.
[ She doesn't think Silco is powerful, necessarily, but he does seem like the sort of guy who could slip himself out of any dangerous situation. ]
I'm only worried because you're looking so weird. Do you really think your tasks are more important than some potential imminent death or whatever?
[He nods, Scott agreeing with far less hesitation about that. He will make sure that this doesn't fuck up his relationship with Kotone. Honestly, he can't even fathom it, them not being close or together in this world-- at least until one of them disappears. But until that happens, he always wants to be with her.
Taking codependency for $1000 Alex--]
We've been through a lot together. I don't plan on making this the thing that breaks us apart.
[Does this make it obvious about the person he's referring to? Maybe. Scott can't entirely help it and he probably wouldn't deny Vi's answer if she guessed.]
Taking codependency for $1000 Alex--]
We've been through a lot together. I don't plan on making this the thing that breaks us apart.
[Does this make it obvious about the person he's referring to? Maybe. Scott can't entirely help it and he probably wouldn't deny Vi's answer if she guessed.]
You are keeping me company then. I will guard myself if we happen to run into trouble, which I am not expecting as trouble is the other direction.
[Silco knew there was something happening to him, but it was an amazing feeling for the time being. All the aches and pains of age and malnutrition were seemingly gone, and his mind was focused on his singular goal: control. This was a determination that required his attention.
He glanced at Ange walking next to him, sizing her up. She had always been loyal enough to him, seeing him at his worst so perhaps it was time that she had an opportunity to see him at some of his best. Yes, that would be interesting.]
Indeed, I've survived considerable traumas and unfortunate events in my lifetime. This place will hardly trump me.
[He waved away her concerns with a hand as they walked, and his stride was lengthened to the extra height he had gained and his unwillingness to be deterred from his course of action. He had wasted enough time already after all.]
Of course they are. If I'm to die, I want to see my tasks to their end. Wouldn't you?
[Silco knew there was something happening to him, but it was an amazing feeling for the time being. All the aches and pains of age and malnutrition were seemingly gone, and his mind was focused on his singular goal: control. This was a determination that required his attention.
He glanced at Ange walking next to him, sizing her up. She had always been loyal enough to him, seeing him at his worst so perhaps it was time that she had an opportunity to see him at some of his best. Yes, that would be interesting.]
Indeed, I've survived considerable traumas and unfortunate events in my lifetime. This place will hardly trump me.
[He waved away her concerns with a hand as they walked, and his stride was lengthened to the extra height he had gained and his unwillingness to be deterred from his course of action. He had wasted enough time already after all.]
Of course they are. If I'm to die, I want to see my tasks to their end. Wouldn't you?
[ The girl is quiet. It seems like she's contemplating it.
But mid-contemplation something else strikes her. Maybe it's since she's looking down, seeing the weird mark on the street.
Even if she's having a hard time thinking about herself right now, or about her own actions, it seems like she's still capable of thinking about something else. Someone else. ]
Were you harmed?
[ She doesn't mean to ask harmed, but with her brain as messed up as it is in this moment, her first instinct is to echo back a word she just heard. ]
But mid-contemplation something else strikes her. Maybe it's since she's looking down, seeing the weird mark on the street.
Even if she's having a hard time thinking about herself right now, or about her own actions, it seems like she's still capable of thinking about something else. Someone else. ]
Were you harmed?
[ She doesn't mean to ask harmed, but with her brain as messed up as it is in this moment, her first instinct is to echo back a word she just heard. ]
[ Well, someone sure seems confident today. Although with Silco's personality - or the way Ange perceives it, rather - she can't really be sure if this is normal for him or some sort of weird effect he's got going on. She really wouldn't put it past the usual Silco to say stuff like this either..
Though she can tell for sure that this attitude is absolutely going to get him into trouble right now. It's like he's not even examining what's going on with him. ]
Sure, but it kind of defeats the point if death happens first. And we don't know what's happening with you right now, or if it might not get worse really quickly any moment now.
Though she can tell for sure that this attitude is absolutely going to get him into trouble right now. It's like he's not even examining what's going on with him. ]
Sure, but it kind of defeats the point if death happens first. And we don't know what's happening with you right now, or if it might not get worse really quickly any moment now.
[He puts on what he hopes is a reassuring smile, even if it's at odds with his transformation's appearance. He's still cognizant enough to be aware of that to some extent, and know that Ange must be referring to it. But as for him, he can only consider it as... almost a relief.]
No. It didn't hurt. I just realized I can finally let go, that's all. We all can.
No. It didn't hurt. I just realized I can finally let go, that's all. We all can.
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