expiationlogs | dead to the power of two

[ oh, there's someone else here — viktor spends a whole five seconds trying to think of a possible way to get out of this conversation, but then again... hadn't he just been contemplating how it seems none of it really matters, here or back home? what he thinks about things certainly doesn't seem to, so maybe picking the brain of someone else over this might prove fruitful.

his own brain is definitely not being fruitful in any capacity except the depressing kind, right now.

and so... ]

Dying, [ he says, wry and blunt. ]

[ He thought it would be...oh. Shigeru's frown is evident as is his worry he might just take a seat there and then? Sorry, Viktor, this is a heavy topic but one that he's not unfamiliar with. ] I guess everyone has different thoughts of what it might feel like. So-so you're not wrong to wonder about it.

[ He looks away rubbing at his gloved hands momentarily. ] I've heard some people think it'll be terrifying and painful, but then others think it'll be a relief. I-I guess it just depends on the person's circumstances and how they've approached the subject, really. But I mean...it's terrifying, regardless. For the one suffering and for the people who knew them. Especially if they had things they still wanted to accomplish in life.

[ Those were always the worst cases in his opinion, but he doesn't say it. He takes a small sip of his drink looking back at the other before his eyes look elsewhere. Considering what was said this man before him had definitely died. Here or back home it doesn't matter. He probably doesn't want to hear sorry's either, possibly trying to process it still, so Shigeru will just let that silence between them linger. ]

[ oh, he's sitting down — not what he intended, but it doesn't look like he's getting out of this conversation now, either. so he sighs, and listens, and takes a sip of his drink to avoid having to say anything for a moment.

he thought he knew how he feels about death — thought he knew it once, then thought he knew it again... only to find out, here, that none of it means anything at all. that whatever he feels — there is always a choice, he'd told jayce once, except it now seems that he doesn't have one; not here, not back home. ]

You could say that about everything, [ he says finally, ] That it depends on the person. On their circumstances. And yet, death is the same for everyone. You're gone, whether you want to or not, and all that's left is whatever imprint you've left behind, deep or shallow.

[ a pause. ] Or so it should be. Not so here. [ or even back home, but he's trying not to think about that — ]

[ Shigeru is sorry but this is such a heavy topic!! He frowns and shakes his head. ] I guess the result will always be the same. But what's left behind isn't just an imprint. It's proof that you lived and mattered to people too. Deep or shallow, the people who care will remember you at your best and your worst. [ Shigeru stares at his glass for a second or two. ]

I know here it's...not permanent, people come back, but that doesn't mean people should have to go through it at all if-if something can be done about it. I can't imagine dying over and over again just to-to get brought back. [ He grips his glass his gloves creaking with the action. ]

It's just too cruel.

[ An unending cycle of living in the moment until you die again? Shigeru can't imagine. ]

Yes, death happens to everyone, eventually. The only thing that differs is what they leave behind.

[ it's a nice sentiment — proof of having lived, a memory that remains with those who knew you... and yet, it's hardly enough. death happens to everyone, but maybe it shouldn't; maybe there should be a choice involved, somewhere, whether it is about dying or trying to not die or any of it.

with a breath that lands somewhere in the general vicinity of a laugh, or maybe a cough instead, ] Can't you? Maybe for the best. It's not pleasant.

I can sort of. It's not pleasant at all. [ Shigeru mutters as a gloved hand strays to his heart for a second before he looks back at Viktor. Had he really died when he was stabbed through the heart? Perhaps not entirely as he is a god but also perhaps he did in a way. The pain was brutal and terrifying and he would never wish anyone to go through it. ]

That's why...if I can heal and treat people here to prevent it before it happens that's what I'm going to do. I don't want anyone to ever experience that pain, especially not repeatedly.

[ What else was he to use his powers for, if not that? ]

[ the admission, along with the gesture, do not escape his attention — had the other died, too, then? maybe. maybe he did understand, at least somewhat... even if not in the same way, the way that wasn't the sharp, quick death of a bombing or a dagger through the heart, but rather blood in his lungs, dark spots in his vision, the clawing panic of can't breathe, can't breathe —

still. the words are almost too conveniently placed, and viktor, ever suspicious, can't quite say what he thinks he maybe should, what jayce has been pushing him to; instead, he thinks of what octavian told him, become unrelenting, bigger than death and those who would choose for you.

yes, he won't let anyone else choose anything for him, anymore. not here. ]

I would imagine most people here don't die of something you can prevent.

Mm you're probably right about that. Unless someone is sick or-or has something they were treating back home? That's the only thing I can think of that someone might die from that could be preventable, thinking as-as a doctor, you know? Or I guess if they were taken at a point in time when something went wrong? [ And they suffered a grievous injury? But to arrive here just to die seems, terrible actually, Shigeru would know as he was someone who almost had. Hm, a thoughtful expression crosses his features. He is not even considering what he's saying, mainly just thinking out loud more than anything. ]

I don't know how this place works exactly, I-I never really got the chance to ask when I arrived. But do they even consider people with illnesses when they're brought here? I would like to think that they are and they-they put a pause on whatever people might have or there are treatments available but the hospitals here seem pretty basic from what I'm used to. But, this is a-a prison, right? And we're just prisoners here. I doubt an AI understands human anatomy or-or diseases like that either. If it wants to rehabilitate us then it should consider everything...

[ Sorry he's rambling, Viktor! His frown is so very deep as he thinks about it before downing the rest of his drink. Shigeru will sigh as he leans back in his chair. ] But with death being what it is...I guess there's a lack of consideration for that sort of thing too. Which is also wrong. People might have done things back home but-but no one deserves to constantly die, especially not from their illness. It just makes a hopeless situation that much worse. Completely and totally unfair. [ He blinks as he looks away. ] Ah! W-Well that's if what I said was even true. I-I mean it might be a very nice robot overlord and take some pity on us, right?

[ Haha, right?! ] I-I just know I arrived with my injuries that would have been fatal if it wasn't for...what I am.

[ he listens to shigeru with a growing sense of — unease, almost, for how accurately he speaks of something he should have no knowledge of or even reason to think about. and so, he hums at the appropriate parts, looking down at his drink, before eventually glancing up and saying, with a flat tone, ]

Unfair... yes, perhaps. I wouldn't know.

[ he has only spoken of dying, after all... nothing else. no reason, no nothing. ]

[ Shigeru lets out a sigh as his shoulders sag a little. Mentioning his own death, if it could even be considered that, makes the frown on his features more apparent. ]

For what it's worth, um, even if you don't really know me...I'm sorry you had to experience and go through that. [ Shigeru is, unfortunately nothing but a kind soul. ]

I'm also so sorry for-for rambling! I-I didn't mean to...go off on a tangent like that. [ Poor Viktor having to sit through Shigeru's ramblings. A sheepish laugh as he fiddles with his glass. ]

But this place does make you consider a lot of things. I guess for people who overthink like me it's a really big problem!! [ You aren't kidding buddy. ] A-Anyway! You probably just want some peace and quiet so-so I'll just go...um, s-sorry again.

[ He's so awkward hsjsj good job Shigeru. ] But if you ever want to-to talk, my name is Shigeru Miyata.

You're very kind.

[ that, at the very least, is true, undeniably so — every single sentiment that shigeru has expressed has been nothing but kind, unfailingly, even if he, hm, does have a tendency to keep on talking and talking.

so in hindsight, that he offers a listening ear is almost funny... but kind, still, and sincerely meant, so viktor inclines his head just a little. ]

Thank you. I will... remember that.

[ and he even means that, too. ]

dead to the power of two | OPEN

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