𝐯𝐢𝐤𝐭𝐨𝐫. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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expiationlogs2025-02-01 08:24 pm
runeing) wrote in expiationlogs2025-02-01 08:24 pm
Yes, the only constant of life.
[ the fact that all of them inevitably hurtle towards one, single end — whether it comes sooner or later, well. the singular gift and curse of humanity, that.
become bigger than death, octavian had told him, and perhaps he can. perhaps he will. he will not let this place continue to play with him; and he will not let anyone else choose for him. not anymore. ]
Supposed to... isn't it funny? How we accept things, terrible things, simply because we believe they are supposed to happen. We call them a tragedy and refuse to try and change anything, to choose differently. [ to choose, yes. always. ] That no one has done it before does not mean it cannot be done.
[ the fact that all of them inevitably hurtle towards one, single end — whether it comes sooner or later, well. the singular gift and curse of humanity, that.
become bigger than death, octavian had told him, and perhaps he can. perhaps he will. he will not let this place continue to play with him; and he will not let anyone else choose for him. not anymore. ]
Supposed to... isn't it funny? How we accept things, terrible things, simply because we believe they are supposed to happen. We call them a tragedy and refuse to try and change anything, to choose differently. [ to choose, yes. always. ] That no one has done it before does not mean it cannot be done.
You're very kind.
[ that, at the very least, is true, undeniably so — every single sentiment that shigeru has expressed has been nothing but kind, unfailingly, even if he, hm, does have a tendency to keep on talking and talking.
so in hindsight, that he offers a listening ear is almost funny... but kind, still, and sincerely meant, so viktor inclines his head just a little. ]
Thank you. I will... remember that.
[ and he even means that, too. ]
[ that, at the very least, is true, undeniably so — every single sentiment that shigeru has expressed has been nothing but kind, unfailingly, even if he, hm, does have a tendency to keep on talking and talking.
so in hindsight, that he offers a listening ear is almost funny... but kind, still, and sincerely meant, so viktor inclines his head just a little. ]
Thank you. I will... remember that.
[ and he even means that, too. ]
[ her teasing words make him make a face, a little embarrassed — jayce had been there in the morning when he'd gotten back, of course, and knowing just how badly he'd handled things... well. it does make him feel quite terrible about it all.
that caitlyn, at least, can smile at him like this is a relief.
to the question, then, ]
Last night. [ which is better than nothing!! octavian cooked him noodles, but it had, quite frankly, only been noodles and butter, since that had been all he'd had — still very lovely, but now that he thinks about it, he... is actually somewhat hungry.
which he conveys by looking at cait with a quietly hopeful look. ]
that caitlyn, at least, can smile at him like this is a relief.
to the question, then, ]
Last night. [ which is better than nothing!! octavian cooked him noodles, but it had, quite frankly, only been noodles and butter, since that had been all he'd had — still very lovely, but now that he thinks about it, he... is actually somewhat hungry.
which he conveys by looking at cait with a quietly hopeful look. ]
I...I don't think so? I felt fine afterwards. Normal. A-after I calmed down, at least.
[He needed a few stiff drinks...and some shimmer. But mostly fine.]
[He needed a few stiff drinks...and some shimmer. But mostly fine.]
Edited 2025-02-21 20:58 (UTC)
[ for a brief moment, he thinks that he really should have just kept quiet — that as he'd said, he's only managed to upset junpei. it's not like talking about this will really change anything... except junpei's understanding, the fact that there will be one person in all the worlds who now knows about it, and that means something.
means a lot, in fact.
and as difficult as it is, to speak of the things he's held back literally all his life and death... for this, it's worth it. for him, it's worth it.
so, with a sigh, he nods. ] Yeah, I get it. Didn't stop me from wanting to protect her.
[ for a moment, he's quiet; trying to muster up the resolve to say this thing, too, until finally, ] Just... I never told you I check in on them, did I? I can make the mirror show them. So I check, every week. The last time I did that, Mum had a cold. Dad made her chicken soup.
[ and this, more than anything else, is what makes his voice go so terribly empty, like he's felt all the things in the world about this in particular and no longer has the capacity for any of it. ] They're fine. He's... good. She's good.
[ and he should be happy about this — and a part of him certainly is! has not stopped being so ever since he realised the state of things! and yet. and yet, there is also a part of him that wants to punch the mirror every single time and ask why it is that he found it in himself to be good only after it all? to see that the capacity was always there, had always been there... but that whatever charles had been, then, it had never once been enough for his dad to reach for that capacity.
he'd only done so after he was already dead. ]
means a lot, in fact.
and as difficult as it is, to speak of the things he's held back literally all his life and death... for this, it's worth it. for him, it's worth it.
so, with a sigh, he nods. ] Yeah, I get it. Didn't stop me from wanting to protect her.
[ for a moment, he's quiet; trying to muster up the resolve to say this thing, too, until finally, ] Just... I never told you I check in on them, did I? I can make the mirror show them. So I check, every week. The last time I did that, Mum had a cold. Dad made her chicken soup.
[ and this, more than anything else, is what makes his voice go so terribly empty, like he's felt all the things in the world about this in particular and no longer has the capacity for any of it. ] They're fine. He's... good. She's good.
[ and he should be happy about this — and a part of him certainly is! has not stopped being so ever since he realised the state of things! and yet. and yet, there is also a part of him that wants to punch the mirror every single time and ask why it is that he found it in himself to be good only after it all? to see that the capacity was always there, had always been there... but that whatever charles had been, then, it had never once been enough for his dad to reach for that capacity.
he'd only done so after he was already dead. ]
[This is still not eating, good gracious— not that Octavian does anything more than huff lightly, amused even as he leans into Viktor's touch. The words and the kiss are so profoundly sweet that he feels all over again the depth of how much Viktor's absence this past week has affected him; even knowing in advance, the hollow feeling of it...
Well, Viktor isn't going anywhere tonight, that much is certain. Octavian wriggles an arm around his waist and leans his head against his shoulder, which isn't the optimal place for him to be so Viktor can eat the dang noodles, but at least Viktor's hands are still free.]
I imagine tomorrow will be a busy day for you.
[Because surely at least some of the people from his world will want to talk or something, and Octavian can't actually monopolize all of his time. But,]
After that however. We can continue our project. [wobbles.]
Well, Viktor isn't going anywhere tonight, that much is certain. Octavian wriggles an arm around his waist and leans his head against his shoulder, which isn't the optimal place for him to be so Viktor can eat the dang noodles, but at least Viktor's hands are still free.]
I imagine tomorrow will be a busy day for you.
[Because surely at least some of the people from his world will want to talk or something, and Octavian can't actually monopolize all of his time. But,]
After that however. We can continue our project. [wobbles.]
[For a time, there really weren't many that even called her Cait. Her family was so proper, it was always full first names only. Then there was Jayce. He started the nicknames, then Vi walked into her life. Vi was the first step in opening up her world, and once they found themselves here, making a life for themselves, making friends, Caitlyn isn't very surprised that the nicknames have lasted. She quite likes it. It's proof of how much her world has changed.
She finally dismounts from her chocobo, grabbing his reigns and leading him closer. The chocobo tilts his head curiously at Charles and squawks, and quickly busies himself with poking at the ground.]
That's... fascinating. So specific items can affect your...aura? [She really has no idea what to even call his visual state. Because he's definitely there. And yet transparent enough to disappear through walls and be unable to drink.
There are spirits in Runeterra, and are a big part of Ionian culture and life, but she's mostly just heard those things in stories. She's never really witnessed them in her life, but that's hardly the same thing as what Charles was.]
She finally dismounts from her chocobo, grabbing his reigns and leading him closer. The chocobo tilts his head curiously at Charles and squawks, and quickly busies himself with poking at the ground.]
That's... fascinating. So specific items can affect your...aura? [She really has no idea what to even call his visual state. Because he's definitely there. And yet transparent enough to disappear through walls and be unable to drink.
There are spirits in Runeterra, and are a big part of Ionian culture and life, but she's mostly just heard those things in stories. She's never really witnessed them in her life, but that's hardly the same thing as what Charles was.]
[Of course it's a relief. But she'd be lying if she said the biggest relief was that the Herald wasn't standing before her now instead of the Viktor they all knew and loved. She was terrified that maybe he would come back like that, and was just hoping and praying to all the gods that might listen that since he hadn't interacted with the hexcore, it would be fine.
She's glad that was the case.]
Why am I not surprised?
[She tsks at him as she shakes her head. For once, she did not bring any food with her!! She didn't want to carry a ton of food over here just in case he hadn't shown back up yet, so now she's feeling very unprepared.]
Would you like to go somewhere? Or I could order something in? So you can rest?
[She remembers all too well the anxiety and stress that came with her death here. How off she felt for days, weeks really. Hopefully he doesn't have it as bad as some do.]
She's glad that was the case.]
Why am I not surprised?
[She tsks at him as she shakes her head. For once, she did not bring any food with her!! She didn't want to carry a ton of food over here just in case he hadn't shown back up yet, so now she's feeling very unprepared.]
Would you like to go somewhere? Or I could order something in? So you can rest?
[She remembers all too well the anxiety and stress that came with her death here. How off she felt for days, weeks really. Hopefully he doesn't have it as bad as some do.]
He's not good.
[That's immediate, not snapped or stern, but pretty much instantaneous. Junpei's met, well, a facsimile, but he's met a faithful enough recreation of Mr. Rowland to want to break his nose a few more times for what he's done to his family, so— no, he's not good.
Still, he knows why Charles would say that; why he would want to believe it, as much as it must also sting down to the bone at the same time. For his mother's sake, surely, but what about his own? Shouldn't Charles be allowed, at this point, to feel some fucking anger?
Junpei shrugs and shifts a bit, to press his cheek against Charles' shoulder.]
You can't un-ring a bell, right? So... You know. I don't want to argue about it, so that's, uh, just what I think.
[Sooooo yeah! That's how that's going, as best as it can.]
[That's immediate, not snapped or stern, but pretty much instantaneous. Junpei's met, well, a facsimile, but he's met a faithful enough recreation of Mr. Rowland to want to break his nose a few more times for what he's done to his family, so— no, he's not good.
Still, he knows why Charles would say that; why he would want to believe it, as much as it must also sting down to the bone at the same time. For his mother's sake, surely, but what about his own? Shouldn't Charles be allowed, at this point, to feel some fucking anger?
Junpei shrugs and shifts a bit, to press his cheek against Charles' shoulder.]
You can't un-ring a bell, right? So... You know. I don't want to argue about it, so that's, uh, just what I think.
[Sooooo yeah! That's how that's going, as best as it can.]
[....................... she's. kind of heard this sort of speak before. she remembers the Viktor from the commune speaking in ways like this -- "fortune cookie", as Jinx called it. but she's going to act cool. totally chill about it.
👍
the only thing she does to show the side eye is that she's taking a very, very heavy drink of her drink right now.]
Oh, so you get existential after you die. I just get drunk.
[when does she not though--
she tilts her head.]
So... you're trying to cheat death now, or something?
👍
the only thing she does to show the side eye is that she's taking a very, very heavy drink of her drink right now.]
Oh, so you get existential after you die. I just get drunk.
[when does she not though--
she tilts her head.]
So... you're trying to cheat death now, or something?
[ they've - well, he's - been here once before. an empty lab haunted by the ghosts of what could have been, frenzied scribblings on a chalkboard, the silence suddenly broken by the single utterance of his name. the uncertain lilt in viktor's voice as he calls out is so startlingly familiar that in the heartbeat before jayce turns around, he nearly expects to see metal, magic, his madness manifested--
it's not, of course. flesh and blood and mundanity - or as mundane as viktor could ever be to his eyes, which is to say not at all - and the relief that floods his system literally staggers him as he steps forward. it's almost, almost, enough to drown out the sharp bite of anger that accompanies it, that this whole ordeal must be necessary at all, that a force so powerful as to reset the biological clock post-mortem somehow still isn't enough to prevent it from happening to begin with.
no. deep breaths. this place, strange and unnatural though it may be, has at the very least given them the gift of time - a resource they had so precious little of back home. time to learn, to experiment, to chart the steady course of progress and stop this from ever happening again.
( he has never wanted to learn grief, nor the acceptance of the inevitable. what is the point of genius, of magic, if not to devise a solution to the greatest problem of them all? what is there to accept when instead he could fix? ) ]
Viktor! You're back!
[ variables change. people, less so. for all the differences between now and then, jayce's reaction remains exactly the same - he stumbles forward and reaches out, drawing viktor in for a tight hug. ]
it's not, of course. flesh and blood and mundanity - or as mundane as viktor could ever be to his eyes, which is to say not at all - and the relief that floods his system literally staggers him as he steps forward. it's almost, almost, enough to drown out the sharp bite of anger that accompanies it, that this whole ordeal must be necessary at all, that a force so powerful as to reset the biological clock post-mortem somehow still isn't enough to prevent it from happening to begin with.
no. deep breaths. this place, strange and unnatural though it may be, has at the very least given them the gift of time - a resource they had so precious little of back home. time to learn, to experiment, to chart the steady course of progress and stop this from ever happening again.
( he has never wanted to learn grief, nor the acceptance of the inevitable. what is the point of genius, of magic, if not to devise a solution to the greatest problem of them all? what is there to accept when instead he could fix? ) ]
Viktor! You're back!
[ variables change. people, less so. for all the differences between now and then, jayce's reaction remains exactly the same - he stumbles forward and reaches out, drawing viktor in for a tight hug. ]
Right. Dragon, forgot.
[ alright, so he doesn't need to be concerned... so he might as well try again. this time, he tries to pay attention to the inflection, to the cadence of his voice — trying to mimic what he remembers edwin sounding like, not simply reading out the words.
and though it's still not a complete success, this time the golden cord appears and hovers in the air for a moment before coiling down and dropping, then disappearing in a flash.
charles whoops. ] That was brills! [ don't mind him as he bounds over to rafal to draw him into a side hug, ] Thanks, mate, that totally helped!
[ alright, so he doesn't need to be concerned... so he might as well try again. this time, he tries to pay attention to the inflection, to the cadence of his voice — trying to mimic what he remembers edwin sounding like, not simply reading out the words.
and though it's still not a complete success, this time the golden cord appears and hovers in the air for a moment before coiling down and dropping, then disappearing in a flash.
charles whoops. ] That was brills! [ don't mind him as he bounds over to rafal to draw him into a side hug, ] Thanks, mate, that totally helped!
Well, he is a king, [ charles answers, a tad bit defensively — sure, it's an interesting mindset, and sure, he tried to refute it once and richard got very angry and he aborted that plan immediately, but... it's fine, right? it's as altius is saying; he's very responsible.
still — it's with a bit of relief that he grins at the older man and nods. ]
Right, yeah, I think so, too. [ a pause. ] So have you made a lot of friends here, yet?
still — it's with a bit of relief that he grins at the older man and nods. ]
Right, yeah, I think so, too. [ a pause. ] So have you made a lot of friends here, yet?
I know, [ he says, because his dad deciding to be a decent human being now doesn't erase him having been very much not decent at all for so long... nor does it earn him charles' forgiveness.
all it does it make him some kind of amalgamation of exhausted, angry and defeated, like it's the final stroke of paint on the canvas depicting just how inadequate he is. how much of a disappointment, in every way. ]
Sorry, [ he says after a moment, ] I knew it'd just upset you. And it's all over and done, anyway... it's not worth you being upset.
[ he's supposed to make junpei happy, not make him sad, or angry, or upset, certainly not over something that happened literal decades ago. ]
all it does it make him some kind of amalgamation of exhausted, angry and defeated, like it's the final stroke of paint on the canvas depicting just how inadequate he is. how much of a disappointment, in every way. ]
Sorry, [ he says after a moment, ] I knew it'd just upset you. And it's all over and done, anyway... it's not worth you being upset.
[ he's supposed to make junpei happy, not make him sad, or angry, or upset, certainly not over something that happened literal decades ago. ]
[ rafal is so startled that he freezes. ]
What is this, what are you doing?
What is this, what are you doing?
[ oh, uh, did he fuck up, hold on, ]
It's... a hug? Well, not a proper one —
[ the logical next step is, of course, actually turning so he can pull rafal into a quick, actual hug.
he pulls back with a smile. ] That okay?
It's... a hug? Well, not a proper one —
[ the logical next step is, of course, actually turning so he can pull rafal into a quick, actual hug.
he pulls back with a smile. ] That okay?
Enough of this — touching!
[ he is flustered now, the tips of his ears going pink. ]
Why are you even hugging me?!
[ he is flustered now, the tips of his ears going pink. ]
Why are you even hugging me?!
Hey, come on. You're doing the thing.
[The Thing, their mutual bad habit, deprioritizing himself because of something difficult to hear. They both know this one, so Junpei leaves it at the thing and squeezes Charles tighter, for emphasis. None of that, sir. No thing.
That and, well, on the tail end of this conversation in particular, in which Charles has admitted to protecting himself less for someone else's sake, well! Junpei would rather he not have to do that, or feel like he has to do that, ever again.]
You know I just... want to know where you're coming from. About stuff. And it's pretty fucking terrible stuff, but... thanks for telling me.
[That's what counts! He asked in the first place knowing full well it might be dreadful, like all of his own stuff is dreadful, so— he's fine. Harrowed, maybe. But fine.]
Would it help if I took my shirt off too...? Uh, not in a sexy way. Like an in-this-together way. [it made sense to him—]
[The Thing, their mutual bad habit, deprioritizing himself because of something difficult to hear. They both know this one, so Junpei leaves it at the thing and squeezes Charles tighter, for emphasis. None of that, sir. No thing.
That and, well, on the tail end of this conversation in particular, in which Charles has admitted to protecting himself less for someone else's sake, well! Junpei would rather he not have to do that, or feel like he has to do that, ever again.]
You know I just... want to know where you're coming from. About stuff. And it's pretty fucking terrible stuff, but... thanks for telling me.
[That's what counts! He asked in the first place knowing full well it might be dreadful, like all of his own stuff is dreadful, so— he's fine. Harrowed, maybe. But fine.]
Would it help if I took my shirt off too...? Uh, not in a sexy way. Like an in-this-together way. [it made sense to him—]
[ meanwhile, charles blinks at the chocobo — it's definitely not an animal found on earth... but that's maybe for later.
right now is for grinning at caitlyn as he nods. ]
Sort of, yeah. I mean, I do exist, just... uh, in varying degrees of corporeality?
[ as she has already witnessed in lupin, he can very much either pass through objects or touch them like he's fully corporeal. ]
right now is for grinning at caitlyn as he nods. ]
Sort of, yeah. I mean, I do exist, just... uh, in varying degrees of corporeality?
[ as she has already witnessed in lupin, he can very much either pass through objects or touch them like he's fully corporeal. ]
[ oh, oops — ]
Oh, sorry — I'm, uh, pretty touchy with my friends.
[ a group of people that includes rafal! anyway, ] To thank you for helping out? I've been fighting with that spell for hours, now, so you really saved me.
Oh, sorry — I'm, uh, pretty touchy with my friends.
[ a group of people that includes rafal! anyway, ] To thank you for helping out? I've been fighting with that spell for hours, now, so you really saved me.
Sorry, [ he says automatically, and grimaces immediately after at that very reflex. at least he can recognise it, now, even if shaking it entirely is proving to be something far more challenging. but it's something they're both trying to fight, so at least they're together in this.
still. he thinks back to their conversation around the new year, to how terrible that had been, too, and yet how necessary. ]
Yeah. And I do want you to know. I don't like talking about it, but I... you're the first one, ever, who I actually want to tell this to.
[ and though the telling it part is still so, so hard for him — that doesn't mean he doesn't want junpei to know him, all of him, the terrible, horrible parts, too.
the offer, once again, is so uniquely junpei logic that it startles a laugh out of him, a breath of air more than anything else, and then he's shuffling them around so he can just pull junpei to him, hold him close to his chest. ]
God, I love you. [ if he sounds a little choked up, over this of all things in this conversation, well! surely he's allowed.
and then, softly, ]
Sure. I mean, I don't want you to feel cold, but we can get a blanket.
[ and they can wrap the blanket around them and cuddle and it really makes no difference if junpei is shirtless, too, except the offer is so sweet and charles truly loves him so, so much, so that's going to be what they're doing. ]
still. he thinks back to their conversation around the new year, to how terrible that had been, too, and yet how necessary. ]
Yeah. And I do want you to know. I don't like talking about it, but I... you're the first one, ever, who I actually want to tell this to.
[ and though the telling it part is still so, so hard for him — that doesn't mean he doesn't want junpei to know him, all of him, the terrible, horrible parts, too.
the offer, once again, is so uniquely junpei logic that it startles a laugh out of him, a breath of air more than anything else, and then he's shuffling them around so he can just pull junpei to him, hold him close to his chest. ]
God, I love you. [ if he sounds a little choked up, over this of all things in this conversation, well! surely he's allowed.
and then, softly, ]
Sure. I mean, I don't want you to feel cold, but we can get a blanket.
[ and they can wrap the blanket around them and cuddle and it really makes no difference if junpei is shirtless, too, except the offer is so sweet and charles truly loves him so, so much, so that's going to be what they're doing. ]
I do not need to be thanked. And not with this . . . contact.
[ it's not charles. for rafal, contact used to be something to fear. a sibling puts their arms around you to slip a dagger in your back. a father places a hand upon your shoulder and his magic rots your head. a myriad of death sentences from family.
except nel, of course. but even nel wasn't particularly demonstrative. for the same reasons as rafal. ]
[ it's not charles. for rafal, contact used to be something to fear. a sibling puts their arms around you to slip a dagger in your back. a father places a hand upon your shoulder and his magic rots your head. a myriad of death sentences from family.
except nel, of course. but even nel wasn't particularly demonstrative. for the same reasons as rafal. ]
... I see.
[ meanwhile, he's felt distinctly wrong at times after his death; the walls closing in, a quiet dread inside his mind he can't shake. sometimes, he looks at the bloodstain he left on the floor of his lab and almost feels it reaching back at him.
how lovely to know that that's just specific to him. ]
That is... fortunate. I am glad you had no lasting adverse effects.
[ meanwhile, he's felt distinctly wrong at times after his death; the walls closing in, a quiet dread inside his mind he can't shake. sometimes, he looks at the bloodstain he left on the floor of his lab and almost feels it reaching back at him.
how lovely to know that that's just specific to him. ]
That is... fortunate. I am glad you had no lasting adverse effects.
Being thanked isn't about needing it, though, is it? It's about me wanting to do it.
[ but his discomfort is obvious, for whatever reason that is... and charles aims a soft smile at him. ]
But alright, you don't like being touched, I'll remember that. Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.
[ but his discomfort is obvious, for whatever reason that is... and charles aims a soft smile at him. ]
But alright, you don't like being touched, I'll remember that. Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.
[That's what the drinking and drugs were for! Thankfully Levi doesn't know so he can't offer his brilliant advice.]
I don't know if that's normal...I never really asked if anyone else has died or what happened.
I don't know if that's normal...I never really asked if anyone else has died or what happened.
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