expiationlogs | (open) i went through my list of friends and found i had no one to tell

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(open) i went through my list of friends and found i had no one to tell

Who: Ange Ushiromiya and YOU!
Where: All over Aldrip.
What: Ange is dealing with the aftermath of the Gnosia event-- and worse so than she's pretending to be.
Warnings: A chance of talk of mental illness (mostly depression, mixed in with some complex abandonment trauma) and death (in regards to the recent event).

[ It's not like Ange hasn't dealt with anything in this place, really. She's been here for over a year now, and there have been plenty of things before that really shook her to the core - especially that dumb maze from a long while ago now, and everything that had appeared in it. But the most recent event might have been the wildest thing yet. It was very reminiscent of the games back home, which sure didn't help. Even though her family might not have been on the line this time around, watching her friends be on the line was practically just as bad.

And now.. the town is normal again. And they're expected to go on like the usual.

So Ange tries to do just that - even if something threatens to fester below. ]

( a. come across ange - open to all! )

[ Maybe you're coming across one of the more quiet and empty parts of town, or maybe right outside town, where you may have found someone who set up a little shooting range - even if it's not much more than a single target standing there in an empty field or park.

The sight that might be more surprising - if you recognize the girl - is Ange standing there, holding a bow as she's staring at the target, looking rather focused. It's been a long, long time since she bothered to practice archery before giving up on it, so the sight of her doing it again is certainly new to most people. (And not inspired at all by a specific person being on her mind, what do you mean--) She pulls back the string before releasing the arrow. It flies at the target, and..

.. It only hits one of the outer rings.

The girl mutters something under her breath, her steps more like stomps as she heads over to the target to retrieve the arrow, pulling it out. As she turns around to go back to where she was standing a moment ago to perhaps go for a second attempt, she'll spot you right there. She frowns, speaking up with a: ]

What are you looking at?

[ Is she embarrassed? A little more touchy than the usual, considering she doesn't seem to be wearing her poker face or her usual emotionless tone when she spoke up like that? Who knows. ]

( b. ange comes across you - only for existing cr! )

[ For once, Ange doesn't totally isolate in the face of what happened during the event. It's almost as if she learned something, ssshh.

Which means that at some point during the days right after the town returns back to normal, you may find Ange reaching out to you if she knows you. She'll be at your door if she knows where you live, but if she doesn't, she may have sent you a text to come meet up with her at a cafe in town.

Either way, regardless of whether you're greeting her at your doorstep or in the cafe, the girl scowls and immediately starts with: ]

Everything that happens in this place is such bullshit.

[ Okay, hi, hello to you too, Ange-- ]

( ooc: feel free to hit me up with either brackets or prose, i will match! or if you'd like to wildcard this or ask for a custom starter, feel free to let me know too, i'm very flexible! )

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[ There's a moment of semi-awkward silence.

Not even because of him saying that he almost hurt her. That would have been relatively easy to brush off, especially with how little Ange cares about her personal safety. Even if he had burned her like she felt he would for a moment, it would have sucked more since it would have made Scott look like a guilty sad puppy like this than for how much it would have hurt Ange.

But the statement that follows is a little harder. Because of course she's going to brush it off the way she always does, but she does feel a little guiltier for doing it in front of Scott of all people.

He's one of her closer friends, after all. ]

I'm fine.

[ She shrugs a little, but it doesn't seem fully emotionless the way Ange sometimes comes across. Some of that awkwardness she feels like answering is definitely rearing its head just a little bit. She's definitely not as fine as she's pretending to be, but she can't quite own up to it, no matter how guilty she feels for this relative lie in front of him. ]

I mean, everything went back to normal, right? We just have to continue like we always do. Nothing else will change anything.

[Maybe it's because he's known her for over a year now, or maybe it's just the fact that he's been surrounded by other teenagers that constantly tell him that 'they're fine' when the opposite had been true over and over again. But he doesn't believe her, with Scott continuing to frown at her with that deep worried face. He's pretty sure that she's not being as fully unaffected about things as she pretends to be and even though Ange probably wants to be left alone, he wants to do what he can anyway.

They've been friends for a long time now, especially in terms of this world with people coming and going all the time. He's glad she's here, just like how he's glad that Kotone and his other friends are still in Aldrip.]

I-I know things are going back to normal. [At least for this place. There's still weird stuff happening, but the infection is definitely gone at least.] But... but those things still happened, Ange. I almost killed you. I... you don't have to pretend that everything's fine when it's not.

[He shakes his head, trying to gather his thoughts and words without being too emotional about it. But guess he'll always be a little more outwardly expressive about this sort of thing, especially compared to her.

Almost silently.] I still had my hand around your neck.

You wouldn't have been the first.

[ The only reason that feels so natural to say is because of the purpose of her words. She can understand if Scott feels bad about having murdered people, about having been so wildly out of his own mind. But she doesn't want him to feel bad about almost hurting her on top of it all. Not when nothing happened. Not when Ange's feelings about life are.. complicated in the first place. Would have getting burned by Scott like that have sucked? Sure. But even that painful sensation wouldn't be anything she hasn't felt before, right?

She sucks in a breath, and then slowly exhales it. Then Ange glances over at her friend. ]

I'm not upset about it, Scott. [ It sounds like she means that much, though it can be very hard to tell what Ange does or doesn't mean when she so often tries so hard to keep control over her voice, to not give anything away about what she's actually feeling at any given time. ] I..

[ .. talking about stuff beyond that feels harder though, and Ange awkwardly shifts where she's sitting, like she isn't sure what to say and what not to say in this situation. ]

I hate that all of that happened in the first place, sure. Maybe I feel upset about the entire week. [ That's not really a 'maybe', but the reason she's using that word becomes more obvious when she adds: ] But it's not like getting upset will help anything. That's just what they want us to feel. I can't give them that satisfaction.

[Not being the first is somehow even more upsetting to hear. Ange shouldn't have to be used to this, so familiar with getting hurt, that she can just brush it off. It's just stupid and unfair and Scott knows his jaw is clenching out of frustration. Not at her, just what she's dealt with.]

But it doesn't make it just okay. Right? I...

[But he stops himself, letting Ange continue with what she's saying. It's hard to keep quiet, because he wants to tell her that everything was god awful and that she's allowed to feel like crap. However, if she doesn't really feel that way, he can't really force her to. It's not like he wants his friend to feel upset and scared or whatever, he just... doesn't want her to shove her feelings down. Kotone does that all the time because she feels like she has to and Scott doesn't want Ange to feel the same. He wants to be able to do something.]

We don't know if that's what they want. [Besides, wouldn't that mean that he's been giving them what they want?? Like for the past week?? Fuck, don't think that way--] If you got hurt Ange, I'd still be upset and I'd still feel that way, even if I was playing into their stupid plan.

[He'll just blast them even harder later or something.]

[ No, that doesn't make it okay. Even she knows that, but she also isn't sure what to do about it. Would it have been more okay if she did get hurt and then Scott would've helped her out? Of course it wouldn't have been. No matter how the past week would have gone down, it would certainly not have been okay because of the very premise they were dealing with.

There was no way anything okay was going to come out of that scenario.

It renders the girl quiet for a moment after Scott says that. She pulls her legs up onto the couch, holding them close to herself. ]

.. then what, Scott?

[ It doesn't sound accusatory. She isn't angry, doesn't look angry.

She still just looks a little bit awkward, and maybe actually a little more sad as she speaks on. ]

Even if it isn't okay, I.. don't know what to do. Everything went back to normal.

[ Like this place just expects them to move on. To continue their lives like none of that ever happened. ]

And this stuff is only going to happen again. [ Inevitably. It's not like it's the first bad thing that happened to them here, even if it might just have been the worst. ] And then.. what? Do I just get upset every single time? How am I supposed to live while I just feel hurt all the time..? [ Especially - as Scott knows, since he's one of the very few people she's ever told - Ange's motivation to live isn't exactly high.

But there's no choice here. Death isn't an escape. They have to keep living somehow. ]

[Back to normal, huh? Guess sort of, the infection is gone, and people have been revived. It's like none of that happened, but it did. Those memories are still there, what happened still matters, right? Just because things have continued on like nothing happened, didn't mean Kotone wasn't stabbed through her chest or he didn't burn Ryoji to ash. Those thoughts restrict his throat and Scott suddenly finds it hard to talk once more, mind drifting off for a few seconds before he shakes his head. He's... fine. Not fine.

But he's present again.

Seeing Ange curled up on the couch, Scott pauses for a second before slowly letting a somewhat shaky hand rest on her shoulder. He's not sure what he really wanted to say here, especially not anymore, but he has to come up with something.]

Everything's not back to normal. I mean... I.

[He shakily exhales, his heart anxiously beating against his chest. He's never felt like this before, he's not sure how to really deal with it, but.] ...We get upset. Even if it hurts. I-Isn't it worse if we don't get upset...?

[Become immune to that sort of hurt and pain. Would it just be like that dissociation he felt while as the Phoenix??]

I've always wanted to.

[ Her voice is quiet, but with just the two of them here, it's definitely audible to Scott. ]

Everything always hurt so much. [ It's likely not a surprise, given that she confessed to him before that she wasn't particularly enthusiastic to live - of course a reason like that would be lying underneath it all. ] It made me think.. It'd be better if I didn't have to feel anything at all. It would make things easier.

[ Ange doesn't think Scott would understand. Because-- Well, because it's Scott. His emotions are such a big part of him that Ange could hardly even imagine her friend without them. ]

But it's impossible as long as I'm human. I keep.. feeling things. And it makes everything too difficult, even in this place. [ She swallows, looking a little uncomfortable. Ange doesn't like confessing to these things out loud, though she's trying with Scott's hand on her shoulder. ] Other people can apparently do it though. So many people seem totally carefree here. It's like everything that happens here only bothers me.

[ Which makes her feel even more like keeping it on the inside, not wanting to seem like the only vulnerable one. ]

Ange...

[Scott starts, maybe just a little surprised hearing this level of honesty from her. It always hurt hearing his friends talk like this, especially knowing Ange's complicated feelings with life, but he tries to shove his own emotions down, keeping quiet as he lets her talk. Getting upset won't help, he knows that. Scott knows how badly that always turned out. He doesn't want to interrupt her, not until she's done. He... he wants to be here for her, truly, as much as he can.

It's just hard to put stuff into words. He takes a small breath; it clears his mind a little.]

It sucks. Sometimes. [...] Feeling stuff, especially since you know you can't stop some things. It's sometimes overwhelming. [Like Kotone being dead back home. He doesn't know if he can really change that fact, despite what Ken told him. But it's not just her, but Ange... his other friends. People not having a future to return to back home. It's hard to think about and yet he does, because he can't stop.]

I get it, Ange. It... it's really hard. [There's that mostly forced smile on Scott, something in his expression vulnerable even as he keeps his hand on her shoulder.] A lot of crap bothers me too.

[ At least she believes him. Ange trusts Scott, of course. If he's saying that a lot of crap here bothers him, then she's willing to believe him - especially since she has seen him hurting by now, more than one. Even though Scott loves parties and all, she knows that it's not like he likes this place or what goes on here. It makes it a little bit easier to accept his words, to commiserate. ]

.. Then what do we do? [ She at least looks at him as she asks him that, her voice quiet. ]

I don't know anymore after this. [ It's something she didn't tell Scott while it was all going on. He was the one having a hard time, after all. Ange just wanted to be strong for him, keep him safe.

But now it's all over, and with how disastrous it got near the end.. ]

I don't know why I'm still going on.

['What do we do.'

He doesn't know. Scream, cry? Try and be strong and better so nothing like this will happen again? It's an appealing thought, but it's hard to prepare against the unknown, against something that can just change his entire person in a few seconds. But even with these thoughts...]

...For me, it's because I still like being around you and everyone else. I didn't have a lot of friends back home. Really, Ange, I was pretty much a loner in my old high school.

[Then things started to get better when he became a mutant, ironically enough. He became a 'freak,' yeah, but he also felt like he was able to bond with Jean and Kurt and others far quicker than the students at public school. Still, even with them, they only managed to hang out for one afternoon before he suddenly found himself here. Now he's been friends with others for a much longer time, some even lasting over a year. Ange definitely fits in that category.]

And... I felt what it was like to be numb about everything. When... when I was taken over, everything just felt far away. I'm pretty sure I dissociated and...

[He shakes his head, voice dropping in volume.] It was awful.

[ ... ]

Would you still have thought it was awful if you hadn't--

[ Ange stops, wanting to phrase this a little more delicately. She's asking the question very sincerely, since she really is curious, since it feels important for her to know in some ways, but..

It's not like she wants to hurt Scott's feelings in the process. He can't be over everything that happened so easily. ]

If.. things hadn't gone down like that? [ If he hadn't killed those people, she means. But she doesn't want to use the k-word in front of Scott while it's still raw. ] Would you still have minded feeling so distant then?

[Those unspoken words weigh heavily between them for a moment, mostly because Scott remains silent after Ange poses that question. He has to deeply breath and hold it in, so he doesn't pull away from her due to his guilt. Once again, thinking about Ryoji's murder tears at something in his chest, but he's trying and he truly wants to answer Ange. He wants to be here for her in some way, like she has for him. She's always helped him, not just this past incident.

She still is, honestly, even though he was trying to check on her.

So, even if it's a little painful to think about how it fully felt to be Phoenix and remember that all consuming fire, it's important. Maybe it's good for him anyway, even if his brain stills and his body shudders just slightly. He was someone else-- that other Scott, and...]

I would've. [There's some level of certainty in his tone, a return of that steady belief in what he's saying. Scott still swallows once more, mostly so he can pace his thoughts and words without speaking too quickly.] I felt disconnected from everyone and everything, Ange. I barely knew I was still myself. It was like I didn't care because I could feel nothing.

[Which may seem contrary to how Phoenix Scott behaved, wanting to kill Ryoji to the point that he would not come back. At least they failed in that part.] I... I don't know to really describe it, but it felt frightening too.

[ The girl silently takes in his answer. She can see how it'd be a frightening thing to Scott. Mostly because he killed people in that state, but-- he seems like the sort of person who wants to live, who wants to connect with others, especially judging by his relationship with Kotone, or his friendship with Ange herself. It would make feeling nothing even scarier to him, probably.

It's why she hesitates before she speaks again. ]

.. I'd still like that.

[ There's some guilt in those words, because she knows it's a total nightmare to Scott.

But.. she wants to be honest with him. If they have already said this much, she wants to be honest. ]

I would love to feel nothing. If anything this place has proven to me.. It's that. I just don't want to hurt anymore. [ And when your only option is continuing to feel like shit, to make this place do that to you again and again?

Of course the idea of nothingness becomes very appealing, especially to a depressed person.

Not that Ange has the understanding of mental illness enough to describe herself that way, but-- you know. Still. ]

[As difficult as it is to hear this confirmation from Ange, Scott doesn't find himself surprised by her admission either. She's been through a lot at home, maybe even more so there, despite all the crazy things that have happened in this world. He still remembers her abusive aunt during the maze, along with other things the withdrawn girl's told him, so her answer's almost expected.

Still hard to hear though.

Scott can really nod, his more upset feelings pushed down and never escaping to the surface. He may not fully understand, because he'd never want to feel nothing forever, but he's trying. He wants to try for her. Ange's felt alone a lot, right? How shitty would it be if she opened up to him and he reacted badly? Really shitty.]

I... I think I wanted to feel that way again, at least for a few minutes, after Kotone died. Nothing made sense. Maybe I did dissociate anyway, without the Phoenix's help.

[...] But feeling like that way for long? I'd be afraid of hurting someone else and not caring about it.

I guess that's not a surprise. That's just the way you are, Scott.

[ She doesn't sound mad about that in any way. It just sounds like she's drawing a logical conclusion here. Of course Scott would want to feel things - like the love for his girlfriend, for one. Of course Scott wouldn't want to hurt anyone. Those are just typical things for him, entirely fitting with the image she has of him. ]

Besides, you have plenty of stuff to live for. Most people in this place have. I guess I'm one of the few people without that.

Ange...

[He bites his lip, wanting to declare that she does have a lot to live for, but this is how Ange feels right? He can't just tell her that she's wrong. Maybe months ago, he would've said that, but he's getting a little better at the listening people thing. Hopefully.]

You... you know that you matter to a lot of people here, right? At least, to me-- the people that live in this house. I know that doesn't make up for all the crap back home, but just... remember that, okay?

[He's not sure if that's the thing to say, but Scott still feels that way. Maybe Kotone would have a better understanding than him, but she's not here right now.]

And... I get that you wouldn't want to feel things for a while, but would you really be okay feeling nothing if you hurt a friend?

[ At least she does shake her head to that last question. ]

Of course not. [ As much as Ange tries to act all indifferent, it's not like she's actually heartless. Maybe she's a little less compassionate than other people in some ways, but she wouldn't hurt someone and actually find glee in it - let alone a friend, of all people.

The girl turns to actually look at him, the hurt visible in her eyes as she speaks. ]

I don't want to hurt anyone. And I don't want to hurt anymore either.

[ She sniffs. With the way she's actually looking at him, it's really hard to hide the way tears are forming in her eyes for once.

That's it, isn't it? It's not like she actually wants to feel nothing at all, it's just-- ]

I just want the pain to stop..

[The obvious hurt nearly makes Scott regret asking that question. He... he didn't mean it that way. He knows that Ange wouldn't want to hurt anyone; she's kind and compassionate under that dry and monotone demeanor that she puts up. He knows that. Time and time again throughout the past year she's proven that. Ange was the one that risked her life to calm down his glitched self, stay by his side, and watch over him. So, Scott nearly immediately protests, only stopping when he sees those tears form in her eyes.

He could go for another hug, maybe he should, but Scott raises both of his hands to her face, gently holding her cheeks as he looks directly at Ange's eyes. Maybe it feels a little intimate, but he just wants to support her as a friend and make up for the miscommunication.]

I know. I know that you don't want to hurt anyone. You're like me. [At least in that way.] But...

[Scott pauses for a moment, trying to put into words what he wants to say. It's a struggle at times, even to this day. He never thought himself good at this, but Ange and his other friends make him want to try his best.]

I still did hurt someone. I almost hurt you, when I felt nothing. I... I know that you've been through a lot, but you wouldn't risk making that pain stop in exchange. Even... even if it sucks.

[Scott's a true poet--]

It was really only because of you and my other friends that stopped me from sinking completely.

[ Even though Ange never seems like much of a type for physical contact, she allows him to just put his hands there without any protest on her part. She doesn't even move away from it, instead just sitting there, staring at him.

Sure, she does look a little shy and vulnerable, but that likely has so much more to do with the topic - and with the way she feels right now.

After a moment of staring at him, even when he's done talking, she lowers her gaze, looking even more shy. ]

I.. guess I can hold on for now then. To be there for you.

[ Maybe.. not exactly what she was meant to get from what Scott was saying.

But, you know. Intrinsic motivation to live is hard. Maybe Ange will never understand. But she can understand that it sounds like her being around is helping Scott in some way, so maybe she can at least do that for him. ]

At least until we can go back to our own worlds. I can see you off. Make sure you'll be okay.

[ And then when she goes back to her own world, it'll probably all end sooner or later.

And maybe that wouldn't be so bad. ]

[A helpless little smile twitches upward when she responds like that. Yeah... that's Ange, thinking about her friends in the end. Maybe it's better if he goes along with that? He gets how important it is to feel needed by others. It sucks feeling like you're a burden to everyone around you. For a long time, he felt that way, and that only changed when he came here. Besides, he truly wants her to be his friend still, for as long as they're both in Aldrip.

So, he nods, still keeping eye contact with her as he gently holds on.]

...I'll be selfish and ask that of you. To continue being my friend. Just remember that you can be selfish and ask the same thing of me too, okay? Because I'm taking advantage of it on my end.

[Scott pauses for a moment, obviously rethinking about what he just said. While he doesn't want to put too much thought about leaving this place, he knows one thing to be true.]

Well, you might not have a choice there, because I'll make sure you're okay too.

[ There's a moment of quiet on Ange's end - perhaps embarrassment, perhaps being so overwhelmed with everything Scott is saying that she doesn't quite know what to say in the face of it - but then she lets out a very slight huff.

She ducks her head a little bit, like she's trying to hide the faint blush on her cheeks, even if it's a futile thing to try and do here. ]

I don't even know what I'm supposed to ask for when you're apparently giving it all away without me having to say a thing, you know.

[He can tell that she's blushing, but Scott doesn't zero in on that. Instead, he keeps his hands on her cheeks for a few seconds longer, like he's reassuring her of everything he just said before letting himself pull his grip away. He's well-aware that she's not really the touchy type and he doesn't want to overdo it.]

You'll think of something. [There's the return of that slightly exaggerated confidence, but one that's well-meaning. It's a little easier for him to pull this sort of behavior when he's helping people that are more maladjusted than him, which... is most of his friends. Go figure. Somehow, he's the normal one.]

Just poke at me whenever and be like 'Scott, got a minute?' and I'll be like 'Sure Ange, what's up.' [He definitely pitched his voice higher when he pretended to be Ange.]

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(open) i went through my list of friends and found i had no one to tell

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cw: mention of suicidal ideation

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cw: mental health issues

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