expiationlogs | ( mixed. ) pasa mi corazón del frío al fuego

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( mixed. ) pasa mi corazón del frío al fuego

Who: Spock, Jim, Gwen, Peter, and various.
Where: Various locations (see prompts for details).
What: Gnosia-related shenanigans.
Warnings: Uh. Probably more than a few? Most likely: references to genocide, references to starvation/famine, references/overt descriptions of being targeted by racially motivated crimes, general violence, and gore. Maybe some vaguely racy commentary here and there (linked).

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(it might eat him alive, the guilt that he is feeling, and his eyes look down as she tells him what he expected would happen as soon as he was far away enough to process it.

he looks defeated, unworthy to look up, and it's what causes his embrace to fully retreat. maybe later he'll feel better about it, and it's perhaps a little selfish when she needs support, but she too has put some distance between them.

he'll take it, as he should, breathing in before he can speak.)

... I know. I... Gwen, you... You lost your Peter. I didn't want you to look at me and feel guilty all over again because I got my ass kicked, because that was not your fault. I didn't... Want to put you through any of that again, and then, well, I messed up and made you go through it worse. I'm... I'm sorry.

(he barely breathes as it comes out.)

[Honestly, Gwen can't even look at him. It's not even that she's that furious, but it's impossible to be mad when he looks so broken and defeated.]

Peter, we all get our asses kicked. I got my ass kicked, too! That's not-- it's not like--

[Not like he died. Not like he was another name to add to the list of collateral damage. Jim's words echo in her ears, reminding her again of her failures. It's hard enough, living with what she's lost without Peter keeping it hovering over them.]

Do you know why I feel guilty? Because every cop in the city, every news stand blasts that I murdered him. My dad brings it up almost daily. I know I didn't kill him, but I missed the fact that my so-called-best-friend was so jealous, so defeated that he turned himself into a monster just to be special. He wasn't trying to save people. He wasn't trying to do the right thing. He wasn't you. It is not the same.

[She has to take a deep breath, before she finally faces him again. ]

I appreciate that you don't want to see me upset, I do. But I'm not some broken thing you have to shield from everything. Did I feel guilty about you getting hurt? Of course, but you're Spider-Man. We both know shit happens. We both know heroes don't always walk away from every fight. That's what we signed up for. But us? We're supposed to be partners, right? We don't just-- run off when things get hard and scary. We're supposed to be there for each other. For the good, and bad. And -- I needed you, but you weren't here.

(and here goes a pang of guilt. he knows, logically, he knows she's right. if he could go back in time, realizing what he does now, he would. mistakes never leave him, they become deeply engraved in his mind, and certainly, it won't repeat itself.

because she's right. there's no yapping, no defense, other than the most sincere voice that escapes his lips.)

... I know. I'm sorry.

(what else there is to say? their one issue is how there are projections that surround them. the shadow of her peter parker will never leave them, he knows this, and to peter, she is a breath of a life he might not ever have again. a hand that holds his, in the strangeness that is being spider-man.

this time, he was the one who projected the deceased.)

[Gwen doesn't know if it's better or worse that Peter's not even fighting. He's not arguing, just admitting she's right. Just looking guilty and sad, as he should, and honestly it just makes her gut twist up more.

She's thought about what she would say to him for days now, and now that she's seeing this look on his face, words escape her. She's still upset, of course, but her expression softens.]

I know.. I haven't been the best about letting people in. But I let you in. I don't want to regret that.

[She doesn't want her Peter to come between them. It's already weird enough, that she's already in a spider-verse full of alternate realities where her dead best friend lived. It's already hard enough, getting to see him live, and grow old, and have what he never would get in her dimension in what seemed like every other reality.

She knows this Peter isn't him. He doesn't look the same, doesn't act the same. He had such a big heart, for everyone around him, no matter who it was. He really embodied what Spider-Man should be, and she was so happy to find him here, in this strange dimension.

She loved him, no question about it, even if admitting that scared her to death.]

... I didn't want you to, either.

(he wonders how much of this can make sense, with all the things he isn't saying - because is there any reason to say them, when he knows he was in the wrong? to run so that she didn't regret trusting him, so that she didn't have to look at him and the sorrow remind her of what has happened.)

... Can I come home?

(it feels a little stupid to ask, when he's sure it's all both of them really want.)

Being here, with you-- it's been the best few months I've had in, I don't know, years? But it doesn't work if you push me away. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir here by saying this, but-- You mean so much to me, Peter. I'm trying, because I don't want to lose this. To lose us.

[Of course it's what she wants. It's what she's wanted this whole time, for him to just come home. She didn't realize just how empty and alone she would feel without him until he was gone. She missed his presence so much.]

Please?

(he has to take her to the couch, simply because standing here is not great for the conversation they're about to have.

he knows she's someone that pushes people away. she's said as much, showed as much - but that's hardly something he could ever blame her for. he listens on the way, taking her hand into his in a caress as he attempts to find words. he's not great at it, admittedly, so he doesn't know where to start.

the beauty of it, though, is that she can always unscramble his thoughts, make them coherent when they're a string of anxious, jumbled sentences.)

... I don't want to lose it either. I think I really love you, you know.

(ah, to be young and sure so fast.)

... I just-- this is new to me, you know. I'm trying to navigate everything, and between not wanting to worsen things, and then going on my own, well, I screwed things up.

... At first, I really thought you were mad because, like, the suit? I didn't completely charge it, because I can't, right. The light starts to flicker, and I don't want to, uh, blackout Aldrip. ... I've been wearing it more because it's the last thing I'm gonna have from Mister Stark. I know I can't rely on it so much, because, you know, the battery and all, but it sorta makes me feel... Like an Avenger, I guess? Not that I'm not one, but you know, I'm more Avengers-adjacent on the daily-- but then, well, like I told you, right, I just don't want you to feel like you were going to lose me too.

[At this point, she's honestly just tired, so she doesn't resist when Peter takes her hand and leads her back to their couch.]

-- What?

[Did she hear him right? Did he really just-- oh my god, he did, didn't he? Even if she thought it, even if she felt it, putting something like that into words is big. Really big. Big and very, very scary.

It honestly makes it a lot harder to hear everything else he says, but she forces herself to listen. She opened up to him, so it's only fair she listens when he opens up to her.]

I...know. And I know I probably don't make it easy with all my baggage. [They're just kids, for fucks sake. No matter how responsible or mature they were, no matter how much relied on their powers, they were just kids. They still had to grow and learn how to deal with the hands they'd been dealt in life, including the superhero stuff.]

I was, at first. But I know its power is wonky on a good day. Even if you had charged it more, who's to say it wouldn't have still failed? I don't blame you for that, or for liking it so much. It's the last piece of home you have. [A home she knows he might not get to go back to, at that.]

I know I give you a hard time about it. It's mostly just jokes. I'm sorry if I went too far and made you think I hated it. I don't. It's honestly cool as hell.

[She pauses, looking down at his hand and squeezing it gently.]

We both know this isn't forever. It can't be, with our different dimensions. But we also can't let the ifs or whats hold us back. I don't know how long that means I get you for, but I'm happy for every second that I do. I... I love you too, Peter.

No, no, it's obviously not you-- I didn't deal with it well, too. It's just, you know, it's not something we can learn about it in movies, right? We're so specific, it's not-- it's complicated.

(no one really has taught them how to deal with these insane timeline mishaps, these alternative realities, the consequences of knowing another 'you', and the where they start and where they end. muddy waters that they're clearing, learning, but it's trial and error, because they can't pretend the fact that gwen has had a past that doesn't include this peter parker. it made her who he is, and he is grateful for the one she did have for standing by her side.

but it is impossible not to let thoughts fester, doubts, insecurities, projections, wonders, it's... complicated. in a way that he doesn't know if anyone else relates. perhaps he'll talk to jim, maybe he won't. to find footing, to the very least - but first, to talk to her.)

No, it's... It's fine, really, because it isn't working that good, right? You're right, and neither actually do work the way mister Stark intended, but... I refused that suit once, and then I died in that suit. I want to do better in it.

(not that he wanted to bring it up, but since they are bringing things that hurt them up, well.)

... You do?

(why is he so damn shocked?)

I know. It's beyond complicated. [She thought she had this alternate dimensional stuff figured out, but finding herself here was like throwing a wrench into everything she thought she knew.

It was different, when she wasn't the one with the most experience. Peter B and Spider-Man Noir had certainly been spider-people the longest. They were a little more used to the weird as fuck stuff that happened to spider-people. But this? Yeah, this was a bit more complicated. Trapped in a simulation, with no way home, and dozens of other people trapped with them, from any and all universes? It couldn't get more complicated.

But she was grateful she found Peter. Grateful she had someone that could understand. She remembers how amazing it felt to meet Miles and the other Peters. How, after feeling alone for so long, she suddenly wasn't. But then she was alone again, separated from her knew friends, then suddenly here and...not alone again. Even if she's had her own doubts and own insecurities over her feelings, she also knows she didn't feel like this about her Peter, either.]

Maybe we can add that to the list? Of things to work on more at STEM? Get it working better for you, so you can.. do better in it?

[She would do anything to make him happy. Even if she's still a little hurt by his actions, he means so much to her. Which is somehow surprising to him?? She fights back a laugh as he looks at her with shock, and she puts her hand on his cheek.]

Yes, dummy. I do. I've...never felt this way about anyone. You're amazing, Peter.

[While it was easy to say she loved her Peter, that was different. She loved him as one did a best friend, a brother. What she had with Peter here? It was new, and scary, and so worth it.]

(at least, he's not the type to make the same mistake twice. he'll mull over it, think it over, improve, try another day. he knows he won't ever run from her again, he can't imagine ever hurting her like this. couldn't handle if he ever did.

his hand takes hers to his lips, a kiss as he nods because neither signed up for this place, but if it weren't for it, they wouldn't have found each other. he gets it - it's all too complex for them to keep trying to dissect it like it were an experiment they have to find an answer to. maybe they can just live it, figure out as they go, and try not to focus on the past, but in the future.)

... But then, it'd erase Mister Stark's... Everything off of it. I just have to... Deal with it, I guess. Be better myself. He told me once... 'If you're nothing without the suit, then you shouldn't have it', and I think... I think it goes here, too.

(he doesn't even know if thanos kept his promise to leave stark alive. it's all he has. he can upgrade it, at most, a little bit... but it hurts to think he might not have that around him anymore.)

... I feel that, too, Gwen.

Yeah-- okay, that's fine. Whatever you need. [She would be more mindful of the things she said about the suit, going forward. Tech of that level was a bit beyond her scope, so she really isn't sure what she could do to help, anyway, so there definitely wouldn't be any chances of her going behind his back to help with repairs. If he wants to leave it like it is, so it's as close to what he had at home, then so be it.]

He really meant a lot to you, didn't he? [It's still weird to her, that the guy running Starkbucks was a big deal in Peter's life. Funny, how different some people were across dimensions. He seemed like a snobby, rich asshole from what she had seen in media, but for some reason, this Stark took Peter under his wing. And actually cared.]

Yeah? [It's not really news, but it's still nice to hear him say it. She knows he doesn't exactly have experience in the romance department. Both of them were pretty lacking, honestly. And yet, they still found each other, and were making the best of a pretty crappy situation with each other.

She smiled, cupping a hand to the side of his face. She let her fingers dance along his skin, twirling a piece of hair gently, before she put her forehead against his.]

Are we good?

... Yeah. He... I wanted to be like him, you know. I told him that one time, and he told me he wanted me to be better. He believed in me, and he was--is, he is a difficult person, but he's... Just... I can't explain. I failed him, you know? The last thing I ever said was 'I'm sorry', to him.

(perhaps the trait of the spiders that none of them can get rid of is guilt. while, logically, he knows that it wasn't all on him, perhaps if he had been stronger, faster in removing that gauntlet. maybe, if he hadn't sneaked out into the ship, he could be in the battlefield with everyone else, and if thanos managed the snap-- vision. perhaps he could have helped save him.

he doesn't know. there's just that nagging feeling that he could have done more. something different.

the thoughts roam for a little while before gwen snaps him from it, and he smiles, not because he's trying to light the darkness of his thoughts, but because he finds her to be light herself.)

Yeah.

(and there isn't a single doubt in his head about it. there might be obstacles between them, their past, what this place might bring, but nothing will take that away from them. with her so close, he can sneak a kiss before he nods.)

Yeah, we are good. Are we good?

You didn't fail him, Peter. I don't believe that for one second. [She doesn't have no know the whole situation to know that. But she does know a bit. He's told her about Thanos and being in space and the snap that erased half of humanity. But none of that is Peter's fault. He was surrounded by superheroes way older and more experienced than him. He was not the sole bearer in responsibility of anything that happened that day. But even if she says it, that doesn't mean he'll believe it. That doesn't make it easier to accept his own fate, and the fate of everyone else that died that day that he feels like he failed. Just how him telling her she wasn't to blame for Peter dying didn't make the guilt of it any easier. It was just something they would both have to work through, themselves.

It does ease some of her own worry about him when he finally locks eyes with her and smiles. The kiss helps too, though she might argue it was way too quick of one, so she returns it with a real kiss. It's not terribly long, but better than the little sneaky one he tried to slip in.]

Yeah. We're good.

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( mixed. ) pasa mi corazón del frío al fuego

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