expiationlogs | All my reasons cut like knives (Open)

Entry tags:

All my reasons cut like knives (Open)

Who: Silco
Where: Multiple Locations around Aldrip
What: A nightmare-induced jaunt through the streets of Aldrip thanks to recent events from the Tower.
Warnings: PTSD, anxiety, mention of strangulation

i. On the run
It was the same reoccurring nightmare which stole any restfulness away from him. Even as he sat bolt upright, the images clouded his vision and his breath caught in this throat without anywhere to go but choke him. Suddenly, his silk tie was too tight, feeling like the slow pressure of fingers closing around his throat, and his fingers tore at the material in an uncharacteristic panic.

His vest felt too constricting, hugging his chest so that his ribs couldn’t expand. The illusion sensation of knees on his chest holding him down drew him from his seat and had him frantically removing the vest to fall on the floor next to white tie.

Logic had been overridden by a sense of internal alarm and panic, and Silco was opening a window to the office of the Last Drop. Within seconds of the cold night hair hitting him, he was out the window and scrambling down the two storeys to the ground; physicality was never his strong suit but he was a born and raised fissure folk and moving around – including up and down – was not actually difficult for him and the Lanes buildings were built with outcroppings.

He took off running the moment his socked feet touch the ground, sliding through the narrow alley and out on the streets. Chased by the nightmare, of the frantic old pain to just survive, he sprinted away with no mindful thoughts to combat the adrenaline as he tore through the streets and heading towards the edge of town.

He slipped across streets, jammed himself through almost impossibly narrow alleys and hopped fences. He was barefoot and disheveled within a few blocks, and his gaze was unfocused with a panicked need to flee as if he were being chased.

ii. Drop in the bucket
The salt in the air hung thick, and it was the only thing that stopped his careening mad panicked run but not until he felt the water roll over his bare cut up feet. He took a moment to draw a long shaky breath into his lungs, and almost mindlessly, Silco walked into the gently rolling waves while silhouetted by the moon hanging in the sky.

To his knees then his waist and out further until he was chest deep in the ocean, which took him quite far out given the gentle decline of the portion of beach he had ended up in. His fingers traced over the surface of the water as he bobbed before he simply sank under the surface and stayed there.

There was a comfort in the reminder of a place similar to this was where he had once let his weakness die, where he had stepped out from the shadow of someone he had once trusted. It was time to do that again, just basking in the embrace of the water even as his lungs began to burn from being submerged for minutes.

Have you had enough?

iii. Beach contemplations
He found himself sitting on the beach staring out at the waves gently lapping at the shore. Even with his legs drawn up towards his chest, the water still rolled over his feet. His forearms rested on his raised knees, fingers entwined together to keep them from potentially falling into motion. His soaked clothing clung to his frame, though it was starting to dry stiff from the salt of the water.

The moon hung low on the horizon, providing an indication of time having passed. It would be dawn within a few hours, and the reasonable part of his brain knew that he couldn’t be out here on the beach when the town began to come awake. This was not a scene he wanted to be caught staring at, not when there was the safety of any one of his businesses or the empty home waiting for him.

Slowly, he reached up and pushed drying stiff hair from falling his face then drew his fingers down over the yellowed bruises on his throat where he had been throttled. Like father, like daughter… it was a legacy he doubted Vander would want to be known for. The girl? He expected such a situation to go down as a point of pride; that was the differences of a generation.

And what would be his legacy? Zaun would survive, and that was enough. As for Aldrip? He was still building his legacy, but to what point and purpose? He knew why; his reasons had been lined up since he had arrived, and he knew they hadn’t changed. The question still lingered like a bitter pill to be swallowed.

He bowed his head towards his knees and sighed, lingering in the moment alone on the beach.

iv. Walk of shame
Well, now that that shameful incident was over, it was time to walk back home like some self-aware drunk knowing they had made a fool of themselves in public. As he had come with nothing more than his shirt and pants, Silco simply dusted off sand from his clothing and began to trek along the streets of Aldrip.

It was early enough in the morning that he knew few would be awake. So he took the most direct route towards his house. Within the first block, he began to leave faint bloodied footprints and his head was bowed down in an effort to ignore anyone who might actually be heading to their destination that may notice him in his current disheveled state.

"I’m not interested in escort."

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[ The nightmares never truly stop.

You'd think he's past all that, considering he'd managed to tie up all the loose ends before dying, yet here he is, stuck reliving the worst moments of his life every night anyway. Being back at the church where it all had happened certainly doesn't help, and after a couple of hours of tossing and turning, Ragna gives up on sleep and takes off to walk around Aldrip aimlessly. He's not bothered by the fact it could be seen as weird ─ striding around the town in the darkness of the night suits someone like him, anyway.

Eventually, he makes his way to the beach, not having any particular destination in mind. He probably wouldn't stick around here too long, if it wasn't for the fact he notices someone there. He didn't expect to come across anyone, save maybe for some drunks and troublemakers (who would surely know better than to mess with him of all the people), least of all Silco. He's never struck him as the type to bask in the moonlight while listening to the soothing sound of waves crashing against the shore, but who is he to judge? He's out here too.

Ragna doesn't approach the older man, instead choosing to lean against the building nearby. He's not necessarily watching him (that would be kind of creepy), it's more that he figures he might as well stick around just in case. When Silco finally decides to make his way back into the town, he's sure to pass by his so-called bodyguard. ]

You sure about that? Looks like you could use a hand.

[ His life doesn't seem to be in danger, so it's technically outside the scope of his job, he supposes... but as much as he'd hate to admit it, there's a part of him that would feel a little bad if he were to leave him to his own devices in his current state. ]

[If he expected Ragna of all people to make an appearance, he didn't let it show. There were others that were tasked with his protection, and they had worked out that Ragna was to keep him alive on Jinx's behalf. Where was the bodyguard when he'd had the sister's hands around his throat anyway? The Tower put limitations on mixing up, and that situation logically would put Ragna between a rock and a hard place given who were involved.

As he walked, he cast a glance at the other man, completely willing to turn the tables to avoid the scrutiny that he rightly deserved. First of all, why was Ragna even out here? Probably the same reason he was, though he had his doubts either of them were eager to talk about it.]

I can walk.

[Could, probably shouldn't. By now, his lack of shoes was forcing him to put more and more effort to cover over the way he had to gingerly put his feet down with each step.]

I believe you're off-duty as well. Early morning stroll to avoid sleeping or you haven't laid down for sleep yet?

[ If Jinx held any resentment towards Ragna for failing to uphold his promise of keeping her father safe, she didn't make it known to him; nevertheless, there is a part of him that does feel like it's partially his responsibility. It really shouldn't be, since being a bodyguard isn't synonymous with being a babysitter ─ but he still regrets being unable to prevent more grief and misfortune coming the girl's way.

Ragna studies the man silently for a brief moment, taking note of his uncharacteristically unkempt presentation, as well as the faint traces of blood left on the ground behind him. It tells him there's quite a story behind his being here, but to be perfectly honest, he's not particularly interested in the details. ]

Suit yourself.

[ He lets out a sigh, shrugging his shoulders as he pushes himself off the wall he was leaning against. If it was Jinx, he would simply pick her up and carry her home, but he figures both of them are too proud for this kind of arrangement to work here. ]

Same as you, I'm guessing? They say watching the sunrise is a great way to start the day.

[ He says nonchalantly, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. They both know it's bullshit, but it gives them an opportunity to move on without actually addressing their reasons for being here ─ a peace offering, if you will.

And speaking of offering things... ]

Stay still for a moment, okay?

[ Without as much as waiting for a proper reply, Ragna snaps his fingers, causing a magic circle of blue light to flare up around Silco. It doesn't seem to do anything really, at least not physically (?) and quickly fades away. ]

[His respect for Ragna grew when he wasn't grilled with questions. Whether is as a lack of interest - likely - or an ability to read the room - also likely - Silco appreciated that the unkempt appearance and his current walk of shame was allowed to simply be his. He was not in the mood for explaining himself to anyone, and he simply wished to be somewhere safe to nurse his bruised ego.]

Sunrise has its place, but it was never a part of the day I cared to spend my time with often.

[The comment was an olive branch, and he saw it, but who he was meant sunrises were often denied to those like him. They had to fight for them, so now some of his adult life protest was not partaking so he could when all of his people had that choice too. Yet, he understood the intention even with his exhaustion.

He didn't stop so much as slow, uncertain if he would be able to easily motivate himself back in motion after. He inhaled sharply when there was light, lifting an arm to block his eyes to prevent being blinded by the suddenness of it.]

...what are you doing?

[ He's certainly putting more thought into this offhand comment than Ragna ever has... though now that he mentions it, the sun hasn't exactly been his companion in those past few years. It's easier to move in the shadows, strike when everyone's asleep, and disappear into the night. So, in a way, he thinks he gets it. ]

First time for everything, huh?

[ Ragna follows the other man slowly, keeping enough distance between the two of them that it could easily be considered a coincidence that he's walking in the same direction. In fact, he'll probably just take a different turn in a little while, once he's reassured himself the guy won't keel over on the next crossing. ]

Camouflage Ars. [ He says in a matter-of-fact way, like it's barely worth mentioning. ] It won't prevent people from actually seeing you, but most of them won't recognize you.

[ He figures this is the best next thing he can do, save from throwing the guy over his shoulder and carrying him. ]

So it would seem, though... I think I would rather be at my bar than watch the sun rise for the moment.

[The Last Drop was the closest of his businesses to get to, and he had been curious if he could find his socks along the way. He had no idea where they had come off in his mad dash to the waterfront, but a slow painful walk would certainly teach him a few life lessons.

He motivated himself back into motion, and he realized that Ragna had cast actual magic on him. He'd seen magic, but never before had it actually been cast on him. Histories and warmongering tales created an icy sensation down his spine as they innately were taught to fear magic... like chem-tech was actually safer.]

I see. That... would be useful. Perhaps it will keep what's left of my pride intact.

[He was a recognizable figure because of his distinctive scarring. Perhaps whatever this was would allow him to avoid unfortunate questions about what he was doing out here. Obviously he would have to give Ragna some kind of raise for the loyalty.]

You might still make it there.

[ Granted, his pace makes it unlikely, but that's not Ragna's problem. Ragna follows the older man, keeping some distance between them so they can still talk, but enough so that someone who sees them might assume they're simply walking in the same direction. ]

Pretty sure people here do worse shit than taking a morning walk.

[ Barefoot... and somewhat distressed... but even if there's clearly more to this little incident than the lie they're maintaining for the sake of Silco's pride, Ragna's point does stand; they're all criminals here, and most of them have done more embarrassing and/or disgraceful things than this, himself included. ]

I expect that I will.

[There was something to be said about testing his own stubborn refusal to be seen as weak, especially in a situation like this. He knew that Ragna was heading in the same direction as he was, but he didn't change his pace to hurry. It was clear Ragna could out-pace him easily to anyone that looked at them for any length of time.]

Please, it's a walk of shame. Everyone looking at me would know it.

[And unfortunately for him, there were plenty in this place that would love to see him suffer or his business-facing appearance to be tarnished. At least he wouldn't be killed walking back to the Last Drop.]

What was that magic you did on me?

[ He says that, but Ragna's still pretty sure contemplating life on the beach in the morning is the mildest possible version of a mental breakdown a person could have. But maybe that's because he's more used to the world-destroying kind? Either way, he's happy to leave that subject alone, and he figures it's the same goes for Silco, too. ]

"Magic"?

[ His eyes widen as he repeats the word out loud, tilting his head to the side. Is that what it looked like to him? He supposes that to someone who hasn't had a chance to experience either real magic or Ars Magus the two might as well come across as one and the same. ]

... Sorry to disappoint, but it's nothing quite as impressive as that.

[ He sees no problem in admitting as much; it's a simple fact, and he'd rather not give the person he's technically supposed to protect some misguided impressions of what he can do. You know, for the sake of clarity. ]

Ars Magus. A combination of magic and technology, since most people can't use real magic. [ Himself included. ] Smurfette mentioned you've got something similar back home. Some sorta gemstone?

[What would he know about actual magic? Mages were forbidden even in the city of iron and glass, though the items necessary to perform magic were a rampant illegal trade there. Magic was a night time story told to children in both Piltover and Zaun, one of the few uniting factors of the cities and a complex twist of the founding centuries before.]

So it's magic. [He replied dryly. A combination still required an element of it or so normal logic should dictate. So it was similar to hextech. He knew how problematic that could be.] Yes, hextech. It was invented in our sister city, allowing them to progress well beyond us in growth. Prior to arriving here, Jinx stole one of the gemstones, which is a compact power source of hextech.

[ In a way, it's weird to hear someone not make the distinction ─ from Ragna's point of view, the two are so vastly different, it's silly to even try and compare them. But at the same time, he's not one to argue the semantics, so he just waves his hand dismissively. ]

... Guess we can settle for "magic, but worse".

[ That feels like a fair compromise. At the end of the day, it probably doesn't really matter in this context. ]

Right. We call 'em "grimoires", but it sounds like they're roughly the same deal.

[ Down to the possibility of their powers blowing up in your face, if Jinx's little incident from the beginning of the year is anything to go by. ]

[So magic. Silco was perfectly accepting on the fact that there were distinct nuances when it came to the levels and the differences, dangers and activities of magic. He was not used to someone casting whatever it was on him. However, it was perhaps the most overt action Ragna had performed for him.

Practically friends.]

I see. And how are those used in your world? I'm curious of the similarities.

[He might also need a distraction of conversation as he hobbled down the street again, keeping focused on where he needed to go rather than the uncomfortable questions of why he needed to go there in the first place.]

[ Let's not get ahead of ourselves, or else he might still take it back.

It's one of the rare occurrences where Ragna doesn't mind small talk too much; discussing neutral things like what a person's world is like is preferable to talking about himself. ]

Pretty much everything? Airships and trains for transportation, weather control in Hierarchical Cities, lighting and security in buildings... you name it. Take 'em away, and the civilization collapses overnight.

[ He, uh, may or may not be speaking from experience here. ]

[Pretty much everything? Silco contemplated that as he walked, and it seemed that there were significant differences. At least the hextech he knew did have apparently endless promised possibilities, but it wasn't yet used to fuel everything. He had experienced it as the hexgates and weapons, but he died before it the full promise scope came to fruition.]

Is that what happened in your civilization then? It was taken away and everything collapsed. We have alternate means, so if one were taken away, we could gradually shift to another...

[But there would be chaos. Piltover's economy could collapse, but so could Zaun's. They were sister cities for a reason.]

[ Silco's question gives him a pause; while he's not against discussing his world in general, when it comes to its specific workings and events it feels a bit iffy. It's not like he even fully understands how it all came to be, and he's pretty sure trying to explain what he does know would probably make him look like a madman. ]

... It did come awfully close to that.

[ He admits slowly, carefully choosing his words. Ragna is a bad liar on the best of his days, so he settles more for an... understatement, or even omission. Technically, yes, the civilization was pretty much fucked at that point, but he wouldn't know the details of what happened afterward, having been turned into the Black Beast... and besides, that entire "world" was destroyed shortly after, and in the end no one but the Chosen (of his world, not the Aldrip variety) would be even aware of that incident. ]

Sector Seven still uses old school electricity, but they might be the only ones. So I guess it could still bounce back? Humans tend to do that.

[ His faith in humanity is extremely limited, but even a skeptic like him has to admit it has exceptional adaptability and survival skills. ]

[The way that Ragna spoke was far more telling than the actual words. Even in his exhausted state, Silco could tell an omission for detail as glaring as that. Of course, he was neither invested nor willing to push for more details on a world he would definitely never see for himself.]

Indeed, humanity has a knack for survive even on the brink of total collapse.

[They could both agree on that at least. How many times had a certain human civilization nearly been destroyed and yet somehow managed to find a way to cheat the lamb and the wolf to persist.]

This place is the first time I've exclusively used electricity.

[ Ragna is not used to agreement; in his experience, people tend to antagonize him no matter what he says or does, so having someone see eye to eye with him is... new. It doesn't feel bad, but he's also not entirely sure what to do with it, so he just shrugs in response. ]

Same. And even that felt like a novelty before the whole, uh... reboot thing.

[ You know. The "thing" where he blew up the City Hall. No biggie. ]

It was a power source which hasn't changed after the reboot. Perhaps more unstable, but this entire situation has devolved.

[He couldn't blame the entire gradual degradation on Ragna. This one wasn't the only one doing crime indiscriminately. Most of them were in a sad sorry state and acting out.]

This place will continue to torment us one way or another regardless of what it is we do.

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All my reasons cut like knives (Open)

mix of iii & iv?

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