expiationlogs | dear fellow traveler under the moon

Entry tags:

dear fellow traveler under the moon

Who: Minato & You!
Where: All around Aldrip
What: Catch-all for the month with open prompts, maybe some closed starters too
Warnings: Injury, suicidal ideation, asphyxiation, updated as needed.

i. ball is life

[ City Hall's gardens have quickly become a spot that Minato frequented. He's often here in the early evenings, accompanied by Koromaru. It's an ideal place for the dog to stretch his legs. Aldrip doesn't appear to have any leash laws. Ergo, Koromaru roams free as Minato sits by himself on a bench.

The shiba inu trots about with a red ball in his mouth, tail held high with a pleased look on his face. He circles back to Minato who's seated on his usual bench today. Typically, Minato observes as Koromaru entertains himself, racing around the greenspace or flinging whatever toy he's brought with him that day.

Today though, Koromaru stands in front of Minato and presents the ball to him, tail wagging enthusiastically.

You WILL throw ball, Minato Arisato. Ball is LIFE. ]

ii. gardening

[ Visiting the farmhouse is a recent addition to Minato's daily routine. He greets the animals there even though he's technically not at the farmhouse to see them. He can't help but offer a friendly headpat or snoutpat to the ones that are bold enough to approach.

There's an empty field of soil just outside the farmhouse. Kotone's offered it to him, leaving Minato free to use it for his new project. He's there today wearing comfortable work clothes, kneeling in the dirt with a hand hoe to carefully loosen the soil.

It began with an off-the-cuff response, an answer to a question that's always been difficult for Minato to grapple with.

"Is there anything you've always wanted to try, but never have?" Kotone had asked as they walked side by side through City Center, a bag of peanuts in his hand that she'd pressed into his palm.

And even before that, there'd been Sha-Ming with earnest anger flaring in his eyes as he declared that all creatures should have dreams, desires, and things they wanted to do while clinging stubbornly to life.

He's not used to contemplating all the things he'd like to try, things he never got the opportunity to do. He's here now though, thanks to the response he'd given to Kotone's question. Minato decides this answer is satisfactory as he continues loosening the soil to prepare it for some seedlings.

There's some soil streaked on a cheek, and his elbows have some dirt on them too. He's content though, quietly working on his task. ]

iii. i am thou, thou art i

[ The mild breeze leaves delicate ripples along the oceanwater's surface. The shore's salty air fills Minato's lungs, clearing his mind and easing any troublesome thoughts that plague him as of late.

It's why he finds himself at the beach again today, shoes removed and socks tucked neatly in them. The sand is warm and silky under his feet, offering him something to focus on other than how, lately, his mind continuously strays to a ruined moonlit bridge.

Something brushes against his foot and disturbs his train of thought. It shifts his gaze from the horizon to the floor. There's a crab scuttling across his feet; it pauses in between them, freezing when it senses someone's attention focused on it. Then it's moving again, faster, making a beeline towards the water.

He takes a step forward to follow the trail left by the little crab. He doesn't get very far, interrupted by a sudden, agonizing pain in his head. He folds over with a gasp, pressing a hand against his forehead. He does not see the towering shadow taking shape from behind, unaware of its presence until a white-gloved hand grips his shoulder.

The creature shoves him down. He collapses like a marionette cut from its strings. And as he looks up to identify his assailant, he swiftly realizes there is nothing to truly fear. He immediately recognizes that metal mask. It's why he doesn't struggle against the hand holding him down, merely gazing back at the familiar Persona: Thanatos.

The Persona unsheathes its sword and releases an earsplitting wail, driving the weapon's sharpened tip through Minato's shoulder. But Minato makes no noise, even as it cuts through flesh and blood pools beneath him. There's no need to be afraid. After all, Thanatos must be here simply to remind him that, out of everything in the world, Death is the sole certainty. ]

iv. wildcard

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Thanatos!

[If it sounds like she'd been running, well, she had been. One of her morning routines a long time ago had become running along the beach to try to keep her stamina up in case she needed to fight -- but she hadn't expected to fight right now, on the beach! Like Minato, she also recognizes Thanatos as a force that would never hurt her, at least, not intentionally. Thanatos had always been her protector; even when she'd lost control of him thanks to those freaks in the forest, he'd never hurt her, only those around her.

So seeing him stabbing Minato is a shock, freezing her blood in her veins as she changes direction and sprints toward them both. Evoker in one hand and the other on her heart, she doesn't yet summon her own version of him, though he's at the forefront of her mind.]

Stop! [An authoritative command, because even if he's not hers, maybe he'll still listen.] You're hurting him!

[ It feels like there's a heavy, cloying haze that's descended over his mind. A distant pain blooms in his shoulder. It's difficult to think of anything other than the giant Persona taking up Minato's entire field of view. There are no distractions available here.

He remembers now: remember, that all things must die. All things must come to an end.

Minato raises his uninjured arm, laying a hand on top of the Persona's hand splayed on top of him, keeping him in place. ]

...I'm sorry. I forgot, didn't I?

[ But then there's another voice that cuts through the haze. It's one that Minato recognizes. And though it's a voice Thanatos hasn't heard just yet, the Persona glances over its shoulder to face Kotone. True to the command, Thanatos does "stop," freezing in place as the Persona stares Kotone down.

Minato blinks and looks in Kotone's direction. His mind clears gradually. The pain in his shoulder intensifies, no longer dulled by Thanatos' influence. Sweat beads on his brow. It hurts. It hurts, but he's not afraid. ]

...Kotone? It's okay, it's -- it's my fault.

[ ... ]

I forgot. I remember now.

[ Perhaps he'd been deluding himself this whole time. He'd already uncovered the answer to Life. And so, Death was simply the next step, the natural consequence to that journey. There's nothing to fear; it should be embraced. ]

[It's always Thanatos, isn't it? The reminder of their own death, quick to lash out at others, to remind them that nothing is eternal, not this moment and not them. But he's always been a protector for her; even when she'd lost control, when those cultists had possessed her mind, he'd never turned against her.]

Thanatos, let me heal him.

[Though softer as she approaches, there's no less steel in it for the lack of volume. If he'll permit, she'll try to reach out to cup the Persona's steel maw, as tenderly as she might a person. It's a big "if" though, considering that if Thanatos can attack Minato, there's no guarantee that she herself will be safe.]

You always protected us, so let me protect him, okay?

[They can get into what he's forgotten in a second. Her finger is on the trigger of her Evoker, ready to defend herself if she has to.]

[ Thanatos bends his neck downward as Kotone reaches up. The Persona's mask fits against her palm, not unlike a faithful hound resting its chin in the hand of its beloved master. Thanatos draws back after accepting Kotone's touch. The Persona lifts the hand it used to keep Minato in place and, with its other, pulls its blade from Minato's shoulder.

Minato wheezes as blood seeps freely from the wound. Without the sword, the puncture is left open to stain the sand in more crimson. It's far from the first time he's sustained an injury, but something about this one in particular wracks him with a more severe level of pain. Perhaps it's the toll of one's Persona turning against them. He can't help but wonder, is this how Strega and Shinjiro felt without their suppressants? ]

...I'm scared, Kotone.

[ It's easy to mistake Minato's words as a fear of death. For now, that's not what he's getting at. ]

I don't -- I don't know what to do.

[ He wasn't supposed to be back after forming the Great Seal. Neither of them were. There's nothing more after forging bonds strong enough to form the courage to lay down one's life. After the journey, the end shall arrive. Such is the natural course of life. The cycle's been broken; the solution must then be to start anew, to carve new bonds into his heart.

And yet, a deep-seated dread takes root within him. Death is the known; life is uncharted territory, even if those around him had done their best at encouraging him to find something new.

To Minato, one is far less frightening than the other. ]

[She'd fused Thanatos to have some Mudo skills -- it had seemed appropriate -- but his specialty had been killing through fear, or tearing things apart. In her heart, she can feel her own Thanatos as if he might try to push forward, try to make himself known in response to her desperate need to do something. Messiah's weak to Dark, and that means, practically speaking, her most versatile Persona who can heal is--]

Helel!

[One hand on her own heart, she points her Evoker to her temple and fires, the recoil sharp enough to knock her head sideways as the large angel swirls into existance above her. There's no way of knowing just how effective Salvation will be outside of Tartarus, but it's the best she's got right now. Even after the spell is cast, she drops down to her knees, both hands checking his wound while Helel keeps a watchful eye on Thanatos himself.]

With Thanatos? [she finally speaks up to answer his quiet admission of not knowing what to do as she tugs away the cloth covering his shoulder; not enough to rip it, but enough to actually see if the healing spell has done anything, or if she'll have to try casting it again.] Or in general?

[She'd never been afraid of Thanatos. Not when he'd first ripped himself out of Orpheus, and not when Ryoji had tried to convince her to kill him. The only thing she'd really been afraid of here in Aldrip had been figuring out what to do next.]

[ The spell's effect is immediate. Minato's skin stitches itself back together. There's barely even a scar left behind, only smooth skin stained with the earlier blood. Salvation even returns some energy to Minato, enough for him to shake his head. ]

...in general.

[ Granted, he's not sure what to do with Thanatos either. The Persona stubbornly clings to the forefront of his mind. He hasn't tried, but there's a part of him that feels it would be futile trying to dismiss Thanatos. On the upside it doesn't seem as if the Persona will be causing any trouble, the threat of Helel looming nearby enough to keep him in check.

Minato gazes up at the clear skies, eyes a little glassy from exhaustion. There's not a cloud in sight, just like that one spring morning. ]

You know, Kotone... I guess I haven't thought about graduation day that much lately. That's probably why Thanatos is here. To help me remember.

[ His gaze shifts to her, exhausted. ]

The time we have now, we should... use it to do what we couldn't do before. But I don't know what that's supposed to be.

[ A muted smile makes its way onto his face, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. At least in the past, there'd been a mission to fulfill and a goal to accomplish. ]

I know I should make the most of things. Everyone's been nice. I should... make new memories with everyone.

[ ... ]

So why -- why am I so afraid?

[It doesn't seem like there's an external force controlling Thanatos, like she's originally been worried about. It doesn't seem like Minato's possessed, or in danger of rampaging anywhere else. The biggest threat Thanatos seems to pose is to Minato himself. It's with that in mind that she shifts closer, gently lifting his head so it can rest more comfortably on her knees. That way, if Thanatos tries to stab him again, she can get in the way while Helel strikes back. Plus, it might be more comfortable than the sand.

It's not lost on her that it's not terribly different from what Aigis had done for her at the end, but she stays there nonetheless. Her fingers rest against the now-unmarred skin as if to protect it as she gazes up at Thanatos instead of down at Minato. It's almost funny, hearing him say all these things that she'd thought herself.

Scott would know the best thing to say. He's really good at that.]

I was really afraid, too, [she admits eventually, very softly as her gaze traces Thanatos' coffins, the very visible reminder of what he represents.] For a long time after I got here. 'Cause we were finally supposed to be finished, right? We could finally rest.

[Idly, her free hand comes up to gently comb some of the sand out of his hair.]

I think... what I realized was that I'd rather do something than nothing. It'd be way easier to just stay in my room all day, but then I thought about Akinari-san and Aragaki-senpai, and how much they wanted to stay alive. So I thought... start with the stuff I know how to do already, like Cooking Club and Sewing Club. And then find out what other people liked doing, and asking them to show me how to do it, too.

That way... even when it ends for real, maybe I was able to make somebody smile. I think that's what I decided to do with this extra time.

[ "We were finally supposed to be finished," and "We could finally rest." Yes, that's exactly it. It's even clearer to Minato as Kotone carefully shifts his head onto her knees.

He swallows as he hears her out. She understands, and it makes him feel so much less alone. At the same time, it hurts to hear that she'd felt the same upon her arrival. She'd felt the same, but it doesn't sound as though there was anyone that truly understood those fears. ]

...I'm sorry. I wish I'd arrived earlier for you.

[ On the other hand, it ultimately sounds like she'd found her way. That mention of Akinari and Shinjiro though -- it's a big enough distraction from his thoughts. Minato blinks and looks up at Kotone. ]

Shinjiro wanted to live?

[ He's... not certain that he agrees with Kotone there. But maybe he did. Maybe it's as Sha-Ming had said, that all living creatures desperately want to live. ]

...senpai said he wanted to feel like he wasn't letting people down this time.

[ And here's Kotone, saying she wants to use this time to make others smile. ]

Do you I'll find my Answer again too, Kotone?

Don't be.

[She shakes her head, even as her lips quirk up into an understanding little smile. There's no way she can express how good it feels to have someone beside her now who'd gone through the same experiences -- someone who gets it in the way that means she doesn't even need to express it. But it's not his fault that he only arrived almost a full year after her. It just means she can be there to support him.

Brushing a bit more sand from his hair, she lets her fingertips rest gently against his temple for a moment, almost confused by Minato's surprise. At the time, it hadn't seemed as obvious, but-]

I spent a lot of time with Aragaki-senpai in September. [And, perhaps notably, while the one who's here she calls "Shinji," the one from home she'd spent almost the whole month with is still Aragaki-senpai.] I didn't realize it at the time, but... the way he talked, the way he wanted to hear about everything happening in my life, like it was something he wished he could experience for himself and had to only be happy hearing about me doing it. I think... [A beat, then she starts brushing his hair again as she adds more softly.] I think... he wouldn't have made it to the hospital if he didn't want to, deep down.

[And that's a big assumption to make, but surely it couldn't just have been the watch she'd found that had kept him from dying on the spot. Surely some of it had to be Aragaki's own will, too. In spite of it all, she has to believe that.

She glances back up at Thanatos and draws her hand back from Minato's hair, holding it out to the Persona in case he wants to come closer.] So... yeah. I think you will. 'Cause Thanatos isn't just about the inevitable end, right? Don't you think he's part of our will to stay alive until then?

Edited 2024-06-30 01:29 (UTC)

[ The hand stroking against his hair and the fingertips at his temple -- other than the spring morning he'd spent with Aigis, Minato can't recall the last time anyone's ever comforted him this way. Part of it frightens him because it's so new. Maybe it's a small blessing that Kotone soon moves onto discussing Shinjiro, offering him something else to focus on.

He remembers now, that Kotone had mentioned Shinjiro survived in her timeline. But everything else she's disclosing, the way he talked, the way he wanted to hear about everything happening in her life -- all of this is completely new. The Shinjiro that Minato came to know was, certainly, someone with a kind heart. There was an overcast that always lingered on his shoulders though. It's that shadow which makes it difficult for Minato to imagine Kotone's version of him.

Ah. He really should have tried to talk to everyone more. Maybe he would have uncovered the conflict between Ken and Shinjiro sooner.

Thanatos spends a little longer standing in place, as though the Persona were assessing Kotone's intentions. But then it draws nearer, chains clinking as it steps forward to lower itself to a knee. Thanatos tilts its head down, gently resting the surface of its mask against Kotone's palm.

Minato glances up at the Persona as he considers Kotone's following words. Thanatos, as a part of their will to stay alive until it's finally time to rest again -- yes, there's truth behind her question. ]

You're right, Kotone. ...maybe I'll find out someday.

[ Not just for himself, but for everyone who's gently encouraged him to search for it.

And though he addresses Kotone again, Minato's contemplative gaze is still fixed on his Persona. ]

...it sounds like the dorm was livelier for you.

[ ... ]

Was it hard, saying goodbye to it to all?

I think you will.

[Thanatos is supposed to be scary, isn't he? The imagery he's supposed to evoke is clear enough, from sightless eyes to a lipless mouth. A normal person would probably find him uncanny at best, huh? And yet, Kotone tilts her head and smiles up at him. There's a tug at her heart, as if the Thanatos before her is resonating with the one in her own soul, and after a moment, she just gently pats the side of the Persona's jaw like she might for Koromaru after a job well done.]

So you'll let him have that time, right? No more hurting him on purpose.

[Returning her attention to Minato, her smile fades a bit at the corners; it doesn't disappear completely, but it's clear it's more of a reflexive resting expression than anything with actual cheer. Maybe it had been livelier -- without having lived Minato's, she can't really compare the two, and so just hums noncommittally. But had it been hard...?]

Not at first. I could hear everybody's voices calling out to me before I used that final attack, so... I knew I could do it. I knew it had to be me. Everybody had made up their minds that it was probably a hopeless battle, but...

[She stops, because surely Minato knows that stuff already. He'd lived it, too. Of course it had had to be them. They'd been told they'd have a year, after all. From the moment they'd stepped into the dorm, their lives were on a timer. Had she done enough with that time...? She'd tried.

A breath, and that little smile quirks into something almost resigned.]

That last month until Graduation Day? That was hard. The decision was easy, but the rest...

[She just shrugs. It would have been easier if she hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to everything, maybe. But they'd all made a promise, and she hadn't wanted to break that.]

For you, too?

[ Thanatos doesn't move, but the manner in which the Persona continues to hover silently over the two of them seems to be its response. Thanatos remains there, steadfast, as Kotone pats the Persona's jaw.

And it's true, Minato already knows what Kotone's referring to. He wants to hear it from her as well though. It's why he doesn't mind her reiterating information he'd personally lived through too. He nods a bit, still looking up at Kotone. ]

...yeah. I remember hearing everyone's voices. Everyone I met that year.

[ As for the month leading up to Graduation Day... Yes, it had definitely been difficult. Where Kotone smiles, Minato's expression remains more subdued, a little weary perhaps from the energy he's forced to expend due to Thanatos' presence. He doesn't mind though, as maybe this is a conversation that the Persona should be hearing too. ]

Mm. It was, but... mainly because I was tired all the time.

[ It was tough, trying to go through the motions even as he could feel himself fading. ]

...I didn't want the others to worry. Koromaru might have noticed.

[ ... ]

I wanted to at least make it to Graduation Day. We promised to meet then, so...

[ Kotone knows already. She's more than capable of filling in that gap, of understanding the desire to cling to life just a little longer for the sake of meeting everyone again on that rooftop. ]

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dear fellow traveler under the moon

you know why i'm here

cw sprinkling of suicidal ideation oops

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