expiationlogs | [open] harpstring moon catch-all

Who: Marianne and you!
Where: Around Aldrip
What: Catch-all log
Warnings: N/A

i.

[ Though Marianne has made her life in Aldrip for many moons now, the remodeling of town has her losing her way. You might run into her doubling back around, entering an establishment only to quickly excuse herself, or stumbling into shadier alleys looking terribly out of place for a woman of the cloth. ]

Excuse me— where is this?

[ Apart from running her usual errands, she can also be found putting up recruitment posters around town for the Artzenritter healer troop. Come take a look? Or perhaps lend a hand at graphic design, technology is a struggle. ]

ii.

[ The memories of the other Aldrip linger, an alternate life where she wasn't plagued by her Crest and she held hope and confidence in herself that she never knew she could. On one sleepless night, she writes an anonymous message to the network after much fiddling with the new charms. ]

I still feel troubled by the memories of the other life we lived. Is it the same for anyone else?

[ If you know her already, she may feel comfortable enough to confess in person. ]

Some days, I feel like I don't know which of my memories to trust.

[ ooc: Her usual haunts are the Willow Clinic where she'll be trying to ease pollen symptoms this month and Astralin's farm and the surrounding meadows where she can be found tending to chocobos and her horse Dorte. Feel free to PM or ping me at

ahlyo for a custom starter! ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Ethlyn contemplates the question for a moment. Was she happier? She was a widow still, childless, she had a reputation as the town's fussy busybody.

But it was a life without war--a future that, while change, had not ben cut down. She had lost her husband, but she had not failed anyone, the way she had failed her children, her brother, and her country.]

...Yes. [When she looks at it honestly, yes. It had been a happier life.] Despite the loss of my husband, I was... unburdened, except with those things I chose to burden myself with. I wasn't weighed down by the past.

That was probably why I avoided regaining more than a few memories.

What of you?

I was the same. I looked away from my real memories because I didn't want to accept the me I saw in them.

[ The person she is now is plagued with worries and self-loathing. Becoming a disciple of Aldrip's religious order, on the other hand, was horrifying in retrospect, but there were other aspects of her life - being born without a Crest, having a family again - that brought her happiness only to have it snatched away when she awakened to reality. ]

[Ethlyn looks up at Marianne in surprise. She had thought the answer might be similar to her own. Levi had, after all, suggested that there was no shame in not wishing to regain memories of war and horror, and Marianne is such a gentle person.

But why would she not like the self who was in those memories? Of course, Ethlyn knows about the curse Marianne fears, and besides that, her uncertainties about her position as her father's heir. But she is a kind and honorable soul.]

What did you not like about her...? [Ethlyn shakes her head. It's a tactless way to ask.] Did it show you only what you feared?

I just...feel like a shadow of that other me.

[ When Marianne looks at herself, she cannot find many things to like. In spite of it, she's resolved not to give up on herself, especially when her friends haven't, but there are days where the depression grips her and it's easy to slip down that slippery slope of thinking. Today is one of those days. ]

I don't know if you found yourself any different, but the other me...she had confidence and purpose, even if her faith was misplaced. It's only natural she would recoil seeing the person I am now.

[That is true. Marianne, given the false memories of a life spent entirely in Aldrip, had been very sure of herself.

Of course... it was because she had been an adherent to a cult. But Ethlyn can understand. In Aldrip she had still been a widow, but it was far different to be a widow than to be dead, knowing that you had failed your husband, your brother, your nation, your children. Deflecting pity with activity was just... easy, in comparison.]

Yes... yes, I can understand that. [She sighs.] The few memories I regained were of pain--of failing the people I loved most in the world. I couldn't face the thought of seeing any more of it.

[ Right... Ethlyn would have recalled the terrible losses she had endured. It puts Marianne's own troubles into perspective. As much as her Crest pained her, surely it's nothing next to the pain of losing your family to war. If Marianne were in her shoes, she wonders if she could have accepted the reality shown to her. ]

What do you do when the truth is painful? How do you go on?

[Isn't that the question.]

You can try to ignore it, but that only lasts so long before it catches up to you. [She learned that in the desert.] You talk about it... try to understand who you were then and who you are now.

To accept that there's nothing you can do to change the past, and that the only choice you have is to go on.

[ Marianne mulls over her words. There's wisdom and determination behind it that's so very like Ethyln. ]

...You may be right. My other self was a little too good at ignoring inconvenient truths.

[ That's one thing she has over the more confident Marianne, she realizes now. ]

Maybe it's wrong of me to think of myself as her shadow. I'm luckier in some ways. I have you as my friend to remind me of what's real. She wasn't so fortunate.

[ The other Marianne hadn't been close to Ethlyn. She had been at odds with Claude. In place of her closest friends she had placed her trust in a cult of personality. When put like that, how can she want anything but the life she has now? ]

...Yes. [Ethlyn smiles a little. Her situation wasn't exactly the same as Marianne's, in the false life, but she can feel some sympathy with it. Ethlyn the Busybody Widow wasn't very interested in looking inwards at her pain, either.] The other me kept trying to do anything and everything to avoid knowing something that would make her unhappy.

Marianne, you are a thoughtful, kind, and conscientious person. It only takes a few minutes of knowing you to see that you're nothing like a shadow... and your people will be lucky to have you when it is time for you to take your father's place.

And I'm lucky to have you as a friend, too.

Thank you, Ethlyn. I-I'm grateful.

[ Marianne feels herself tearing up, her voice choking up with emotion with how moved she is by Ethlyn's words. She turns aside to try to wipe her tears away shyly. They're happy tears, gratitude for having found a friend in Ethlyn who has supported her through the worst of times and comfort in knowing she is not alone in her struggles. ]

I've decided. I want the present I live in and the memories I have even if they're painful. If something happens again to make us forget, we can remind each other.

[open] harpstring moon catch-all

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