expiationlogs | The pieces of April

Entry tags:

The pieces of April

Who: Ethlyn and thee (prior to snek plague)
Where: Various places in Aldrip
What: Local(?) woman is confused and irritated about it
Warnings: None!

1. Healer, get thyself together
[It was strange enough waking up in a house that seemed to be made of squares and triangles, all white with steel appliances on the inside. But what's even more unsettling is what Ethlyn sees when she returns to the familiar grounds of the Willow Clinic. Why? Because they are familiar. It's as though someone picked up the farmhouse and the gardens around it, willow and all, and plopped it down in the middle of a modern city block.

There’s a shelf full of medical books and every book is full of ribbons. She can almost remember putting them there.]

I was a healer… [she closes her eyes.] I am a healer. That’s right. I know what these are. [She takes another look at a ribboned page and falls into a mutter.] Actually, I’m not so sure about the jejunum... that sounds like some foreign fruit.

[Wait. Wait that was the bell over the door.]

Oh! Hello, sorry!

2. Memories, rising from the pavement

[Deirdre. Sigurd. Leonster. Thracia.

She’s sitting at a table in the public library with a notebook and loose leaves scattered around her, trying to sort out which is which. On one page is a sketch of a sword, and a list of names–to a casual glance by a modern person, all looking like they’re about 800 years old. She’s trying to identify them. “Quan = husband” is one entry. The rest are covered with smudges and the tapping of a pen.

Finally she sighs and leans back in her chair, pushing her hands through her hair.]

What a coward I’ve been.

3. We want YOU

[Well. Whether or not she is Ethlyn the busy widow or Ethlyn the lady and battlefield healer, the Arztenritter exists and needs to be rebuilt. Right now it’s herself, Marianne, Emet-selch, and Minato… she’s… pretty sure. She isn’t entirely.

But she’s out and about around the city, on a horse named Venture, with a load of rolled-up posters in her saddlebag. Whenever she spots the outside of a likely-looking building, she’ll hop off with a hammer and nails and starts putting it up.

She found the posters in the storage closet of the clinic. Possibly they were made by someone with a passion for graphic design.]

Right. This ought to be eye-catching enough.

4. Wildcard
[If none of these suit, feel free to make up your own or plot something out with me! I'm in game disco, on plurk at

compassinks, or open to PMs.]

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[It's a relief to hear Ange say that. Ethlyn would hate if everyone was in this situation, and Ange is a person who has... enough troubles? Probably. Even if she doesn't, not being able to understand your own life is too big of a trouble even if you don't have any others.]

Mine didn't. I haven't figured out why yet. [She looks back down at her papers.] It's like I'm remembering two lives side-by-side, and they both seem equally real, but equally muddled. And the town becoming a city overnight hasn't helped.

[Otherwise she could walk around, try to suss out what was really familiar and what only seemed it. Now all of it is relegated to memory, with all the fallibility that entails.]

What did you think you were, back when we all thought we'd been living here all our lives?

I thought I was a student at the high school.

[ Nothing too interesting there. But Ange doesn't feel like Ethlyn is just asking that because she's looking for an interesting story. Is she trying to separate the real and fake memories in her mind by asking that? Seeing what Ange's fake life was like, so she can strike through any memories that seem similar to it?

In that case, Ange could tell her more, but she isn't sure how useful stuff like Ragna being her big brother would be..

She frowns, thinking about this, but then the girl realises something else entirely. ]

I know a few things about your real life. You told me, months ago. Would it help if I told you about the things I remember about your life?

[A student at the high school... yes. But also, no.]

That sounds too ordinary for you.

[Her gaze goes back to Ange's hand. Ethlyn is pretty sure she does remember seeing it covered in blood, yet not from some dreadful accident.

But when Ange offers to share what she knows about Ethlyn's real life, Ethlyn's eyes snap back up to her face.]

Yes. Please--[she looks down at her notes, the shame rising again.]--Anything helps. I need to know what my life really was.

[ Ethlyn might have visible shame, but Ange herself looks a little conflicted too - or maybe just worried about what she's about to say here. She knows it isn't great news, after all. But.. someone has to tell Ethlyn, right? Doesn't Ange always believe it's better to know the truth, even when the truth sucks?

So she sucks in a breath before slowly explaining: ]

You.. told me that you died back home. That when you first showed up in this place, you thought it was the hereafter. [ It still feels like a difficult pill to swallow, really. Sure, people die all the time, but-- why did it have to be Ethlyn, when she's way more decent than most people Ange has ever met during her life? ] Do you remember that..?

[Ethlyn's eyes go wide. Unconsciously, her hand covers her mouth--and then, perhaps even more unconsciously, drifts down to her ribs. They feel whole and unmarred. But isn't that strange... why are her fingers expecting to find a bloody hole and the sharp ends of severed bone?

I used to think that this place was the hereafter.]

I asked you how to keep going when you think everything is over. And you said that you have to find something else. [She looks up.] I thought it was the hereafter and I tried to stop thinking about it when I realized it wasn't.

.. yes.

[ Ange didn't quite expect to have her own words thrown back at her as well. It's surprising. Not because she didn't remember - she sure did remember their entire conversation, her own memories all sorted out - but it touches on such a personal thing for her that she didn't expect to be confronted with right now of all times.

She does recover pretty easily though. This is about Ethlyn, not her. ]

Do you remember all of that? We were stuck in that awful maze.

[Ethlyn nods slowly. The maze is easier to remember; it was the same one that she wound up in last month, goo--even more confused than when she had visited it the first time.]

I wonder if that maze is the only real thing here. I found myself there again, but it was just like before. So those memories do feel more genuine than the others.

Did you find yourself there as well, thinking you were a high school student?

[ Huh?

Ange looks so surprised when Ethlyn mentions it that it likely makes her answer very clear already before she even verbally answers. It's the way her eyes widen as she stares at the other. ]

No, I don't-- I don't think so?

[ She mostly sounds uncertain about it because now she's worried maybe her memories were messed up too. Or maybe she just isn't sure what she does or doesn't remember at this point, suddenly having been filled with those fake memories and then having them be taken away just as easily. ]

You mean it was here? Still?

[ That's not just surprising. It's also concerning, given the nature of that place and how crappy it had been to have to deal with last time around. ]

It may well be. It looked very much the same as it did when we were in it together.

[It isn't often that she sees Ange looking so worried. But Ethlyn can think of another alternative.]

If your memories are intact, but mine aren't--maybe it has something to do with the maze. Maybe you did something that allowed you to escape falling back into it again.

I don't know if I did anything all that special.

[ Not that she can remember, anyway. Every single thing she did, even after losing her memories, felt like something she would have naturally done under any other circumstances.

.. or is that exactly it? Is it that she was still doing her usual things?

Ange frowns as she realises it, then offers: ] I mean, I.. did look into what was going on back there. When some stuff started disappearing, and other things started appearing out of nowhere. I just couldn't help it.

[ Apparently you can take Ange's memories away from her, but nothing will stop her natural nosiness. ]

The disappearances were truly frightening. [Ethlyn doesn't shudder, but her face becomes a little more grim as she recalls it.] Claude and I saw a shop that entirely lost its second level, as though someone had simply picked it up and moved it somewhere... else. And took the inhabitant with it.

[A person who may never have been real in the first place.]

I began to see a sword... I didn't realize at the time that it was my father's. Or rather, my family's. What did you see?

[ Yeah, the disappearances were.. pretty wild. They feel a little better now in context, Ange thinks, because at least now she can realise that half of that place was just straight up fake. It feels like most of the things that disappeared probably weren't actual things.

Maybe that's why she's quiet for a second, focusing more on Ethlyn's question near the end there than the rest of it. ]

I saw.. a lot of things. At first it was just a ring. My ring.

[ She shows it to Ethlyn - which is easy enough, since it's right there on Ange's finger. Ethlyn likely saw it before, since Ange has been wearing it ever since appearing in this place. It's a golden ring, the seal-like sort of type, with a wing embedded on the flat top. ]

It showed me some of my memories again when I touched it, even if I didn't understand it at first. But then more things showed up, and-- It was as if the more mysterious things I touched, it only made more and more of them show up, until I finally started realising they were memories all along. [ Even though by that time they were pretty much already spat back up into this version of Aldrip instead. ]

.. that's how it all happened for me.

[Ethlyn recognizes it as a seal right at once--her father has one much like it, her brother a smaller personal one, as does her husband and her father in law.

Or rather, they all did.

Ange must have been a person of some note, then. Ethlyn wonders why she never put that together before... possibly because they are in a place where there are no titles or social strata beyond Chosen and native.]

I saw memories when I tried to pick up the sword to move it somewhere safe. I thought it was a nightmare at first, or a hallucination. But when I touched it twice more, at different times, I also realized it was trying to show me a version of myself that was... different than I thought it was.

...and then I began to avoid it. I refused to touch it again.

.. maybe that's why your memories came back so strangely, Ethlyn.

[ It's a leap to make, sure, but Ange doesn't think it's a huge leap. Doesn't it only make sense that Ange's own memories would sit in her mind a little more naturally when she had gone out of her way back there to get all of those memories back in the first place? Ethlyn may be having both sets because she had to regain so many of her actual memories at once.

Though it's.. worrying. Ange isn't sure how to fix that. And while she'd usually just quickly pull her hands off it, telling herself that it's someone else's problem, she can't do that as easily with Ethlyn.

She's too invested in the other's well-being for that. ]

It'd probably help if we knew how all of this worked in the first place. Just how our memories got erased for a while. Something would have had to wipe our mind of our original memories before we got them back like this, but.. what could that be? [ Ange does feel a little guilty only presenting new questions for Ethlyn when she's already having a hard time.

.. on the other hand, Ethlyn has always acted like such a responsible adult in this place, despite not being all that much older than Ange herself. She doesn't know too many of those, and considering she's never had anyone like that to rely on in her life, it feels a little easier to roll straight into doing that when an opportunity for it finally presents itself. So of course she can't help but bring these concerns and thoughts up to Ethlyn, wanting to see what she thinks about it. ]

[Ethlyn's eyes widen. She leans forward, staring at the sheets of notes and sketches spread over the table. It isn't random; it isn't luck. There is a clear explanation: Ange embraced her memories and Ethlyn fled from them.

She is a coward. She is a coward and she has betrayed her husband, her brother, her father, her children, all because things were a bit unpleasant. Because she didn't want to see anything else that would make her hurt. As though that is any justification.

But Ange isn't done thinking aloud yet, and Ethlyn tries to listen.]

The brain is where it all lives... [She shifts some of her notes aside to unearth a book on neuroscience. She's only just started reading it and wouldn't like to be examined on any of its contents, but maybe it will be helpful.] All written there. I don't know how you would take it out. But perhaps they blocked it all--hid it behind curtains, so to speak.

[ Without hesitation: ]

Of course it could be magic.

[ Granted, it's not exactly the most obvious solution here. Even if Ange tells it to Ethlyn like it is. Because it feels like the most reasonable solution to her, when she has seen magic mess in more ways with people than most people ever do in their entire lives.

If rewinding time and travelling to alternate worlds is no problem for people who can use magic, then surely wiping memories, even just temporarily, must be child's play. ]

But the problem is that we have no proof, so any solution we'd think of would be pure speculation. I mean.. [ She frowns, like she's thinking. ] I don't think getting my memories back felt like anything in particular. I can't think of a single sign that might lead back to the source of it all.

[ Something about her tone shifts, sounding a bit more frustrated. ]

It's always like that in this place. Something is just trying to pull the wool over our eyes.

[Ugh. It could just be magic. In which case, it's quite probably out of the province of many people here. And that includes Ethlyn. She's handled staves that can send a person to sleep in an instant... she has heard of one that can send them berserk, attacking friend and foe alike in a frenzy, and she counts herself lucky that she never had to see such magic in action.

But she doesn't know how they were made. Only what they did.]

I'm tired of it. [It's frank. She's just tired.] I know that I did things wrong in my life... I can look back and see how choices I made in good faith still weren't right. But what is the point of trying to erase who we were?

[...]

And who was leaving those mementoes of our real selves? Was it a test, or was it someone trying to help?

[ Ange frowns as she hears the other speak. Sure, Ange is also curious about that last part, but there's something about the first part that gets to her more. It's what gets her to speak up. ]

You don't deserve it, Ethlyn. You don't deserve any of that.

[ It's not like the other is fully blaming herself - it sounds more like Ethlyn is trying to look at the bigger picture. But there's something about the idea of Ethlyn deserving to be put through some things just because she made some mistakes that doesn't sit right with Ange at all.

Especially when she knows Ethlyn is a way better person than her. ]

Even if you would have been the most atrocious person to have ever walked any world, how would that give them the right to decide any of that about you? None of us deserve to be messed with, but especially not you!

[ That's definitely more emotion than Ange usually shows.

But something about the idea that whoever is in charge would really be punishing Ethlyn as they claim to be doing to all of them truly doesn't sit right with her. ]

[Ethlyn looks up, surprised by Ange's vehemence.

It's heartening. To see her anger... for so long Ethlyn has lived with a mounting sense of failure. Failure to see the strength of the danger posed by her family's enemies, failure to see how her brother's well-intentioned acts could be used by his foes, failure to protect her children from the dangers of the world, and now failure to face all these truths.

But... what if Ange is right? Who did give the Council the right to judge them all? Are they liege-lords? Elected leaders? No. They're hidden people from another planet who swept up dozens, seemingly at random, taking and returning at will.

And... it's nice to hear someone say that she doesn't deserve to be treated like this.]

You know... when you put it like that... it does seem incredibly unfair. There really isn't any way the people in charge of this place have a right to judge us. It isn't as though they're the gods of Jugdral, or the gods of your world, either.

You don't deserve to be treated like this either.

Of course I don't! All of us don't deserve it, even some of the total freaks we're stuck with!

[ Casual insult inside in the middle of what she's saying, it's definitely said with way more passion than Ange usually seems to carry. She's convinced of this. Even if she doesn't like absolutely everyone here, she thinks the people in charge here are way bigger scum than anyone else.

Especially for messing with people to this extent. Putting them into situations is one thing, but now also messing with their mind, changing who they are?

That's unforgivable to her. ]

We can't let this beat us, Ethlyn. If anything, we have to go and beat their butts over this!

[ .. maybe that last part doesn't really fit the rest of what she said, even though the passion is still there.

Maybe Ange is just embarrassed about saying 'asses' in front of Ethlyn of all people.. ]

[The way Ange so casually insults their fellow Chosen startles a genuine laugh out of Ethlyn. It might be the first time she's smiled today, and possibly the first time she has truly laughed since their false lives ended.]

You're right, we can't. [She considers a moment.] It's a crime, what's being done to us, isn't it? Even if I was brought back from death, hardly anyone else was... and it doesn't justify their games and their torments.

[She still feels herself a failure for not having the courage to look at her own past with open eyes. But that doesn't mean it was all right for them to go and take that past from her in the first place.]

Very ironic. We should beat their butts, and turn it around on them.

[ Even if Ethlyn's way of agreeing is a little less ~~tsundere~~ passionate than Ange's own, she doesn't seem to matter. She may not know everything about Ethlyn, but Ange likes to think that she knows her well enough to know that she really does agree with everything Ange is saying right now.

Especially since Ethlyn is actually laughing. It may just have been a moment, but-- It's good, Ange thinks. Ethlyn should be able to laugh, instead of being made to feel miserable just because this dumb place messes around with them. ]

Then let's start here.

[ Because they unfortunately can't reach the butts of the people in charge here to kick those. Not yet. But in the meantime-- ]

I bet they'd be real annoyed if all of us sorted out our memories again, despite them trying to hard to mix them up. [ Ange would want to help with that anyway. Something about the thought of Ethlyn being stuck with the wrong memories really bothers her. ] How about you write down all the memories you remember, and then I help sort them out by seeing if there's any I remember you telling me about, or that just seem to fit more with what I know about you?

[ It might not solve the full problem, since the memories would still be present in Ethlyn's head - but it feels better than nothing. It might give the other some clarity.

And spending some time on helping her out with it is a very small prince for Ange to pay if that's the result, she thinks. ]

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The pieces of April

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