expiationlogs | beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young [OPEN]

[ It's not easy to sleep lately. There's just too much to think about. Mismatched memories with people from his own world, his father's alive, Rinwell's missing—everything's out of whack, and all the while he's being accused of killing people he didn't technically kill. The day to day happenings mostly take his mind off of it all, but when it's dark and he's gone to bed, Law's mind refuses to quiet. If anything, it only gets louder. Ordinarily he'd meditate, take some deep breaths, or something, but he's too unsettled even for that. Most nights he gets up and wanders off, but not very far from the inn where he and his friends are staying.

Tonight, though, he can't stand it anymore. He slips out late, late at night, silent as a ghost, and goes for a walk.

It's probably something like two or three o'clock in the morning, not a reasonable time for anyone to be wandering around town, but as of yet, he's found no reason to be concerned about a curfew and frankly wouldn't give much of a damn even if there were one. He's just wandering about harmlessly, anyway, for the most part—aimless and at a sort of ambling pace, but not nearly casually enough to constitute a simple stroll. Several times, he changes direction, but never pauses like he's lost or trying to decide where to go. He does pause anytime he sees another person, though, glancing their way almost hopefully before he continues wordlessly on his way.

Eventually, he ends up on the beach. When there's no further to go, what with the ocean in his way, he plops down in the sand with a long, almost exasperated sigh, and cocks his head back to stare up at the sky. The beach at night is the best place for a heartfelt chat, a moonlit battle, or an after-dark exchange of information, so the sky's the limit here. ]

[ Joel doesn't sleep much, these days. Whether it's because he's getting older, or his trauma, or the fact that he spent the last six months or more traveling with a kid and needing to keep watch over their various encampments, or some combination of all of those things - a full night's sleep just isn't a thing he's capable of.

That, and he's recently been kidnapped to a strange place with no one he trusts, so he simply cannot let his guard down.

So yeah, he wanders a lot at night. Patrolling, getting the lie of the land, whatever. He's wary, is the point. There aren't many people around, despite the fact that there doesn't seem to be any kind of curfew. Most people just don't seem to have any reason to be out late. Which is fine by him. He prefers being alone.

Which means he's surprised, and not necessarily in a good way, when he climbs a rise of sand on the beach and there's a person there. Ah, great. Probably someone who's going to want to talk, make nice, tell each other things. ]

Not much nightlife here.

[ Having another person come upon him here and say something that, he realizes, is directed at him and not someone else isn't necessarily unwelcome. Could he use someone to talk to? Maybe, yeah. Not about what's on his mind, if only because he's not sure he could ever just dump all his problems onto a complete stranger in an unfamiliar place, but... about nothing? Could be preferable to sitting here ruminating. He hates thinking too much, after all, and that's exactly what this is.

At the very least, it's not a total surprise someone else would come along. Even at this wild hour, Aldrip doesn't ever seem like it's completely asleep. Or maybe that's just the hypervigilance talking. ]

That's probably a good thing.

[ "Nightlife" is kind of an unfamiliar word, at least in the modern sense of what it means, but he gets the drift. ]

Not sure I've ever been anywhere that was so... naturally quiet. Peaceful?

[ Is that the right word? and also, but is it peaceful, though? are both present in that question mark. ]

Sorry if this is your spot. I can move.

Doesn't belong to me.

[ Joel's not exactly claiming property here. He doesn't mind a little company, as long as it's not annoying - as long as he's not being asked prying questions about himself. He's fine talking about this place, though. ]

You a city boy then? [ Joel remembers what downtown Austin used to be like. The crowds, the noise, the lights. He'd never especially liked it, which was why they'd lived out in the 'burbs when he could afford the down payment on a house. ]

[ Any other time and he probably would be annoying, by virtue of his lack of an indoor voice. Right now is Serious Business Emo Times, though, which calls for the quiet, Serious Business voice.

At any rate, cool, he'll just cross his legs and settle in for the long haul. ]

You could say that. I was born in a small village, and the last place I lived was a city, but it's more that... most places where I come from are all hushed-up at night. The quiet felt tense, even in the wilderness between towns. Like walking on eggshells, y'know? But here, everybody settles down for the night like they don't got anything to worry about.

[ A one-shouldered shrug. And then, after a pause, a quick glance aside. ]

Almost everyone, I guess.

[ Joel shrugs. ]

We just got kidnapped. No matter how nice this place seems, it's a prison, and we were brought here for a reason. Letting my guard down would be stupid.

A prison... I guess it is, yeah. Dragging people in on false charges and everything.

[ Well, false is debatable, but he's more comfortable with denying it than letting on that there might be anything complicated about it. ]

What I wanna know is, where're all the prison guards hiding, then?

We'll find out, sooner or later. Sooner or later, someone will step out of line, intentionally or not, and we'll find out how this place really works.

[ Joel knows it. Feels it, deep in his bones. No one ever got kidnapped by weird, alien strangers out of charity. This situation is going to get worse, not better. ]

You'd think somebody would've done it by now, just to see what would happen...

[ He can think of a few who that'd make good candidates. Himself included, honestly. If not for most of what's keeping him up at night, and the good sense of his friends to stop him from popping off, there's no doubt he would've picked a fight with someone by now. ]

Worse comes to worst, we find out when it's time to answer for those so-called crimes.

The assholes who dragged us here probably want us to get comfortable. Let our guards down. Won't impose the really nasty rules until they think we won't expect it, or won't be able to fight back.

[ Which is why Joel has no intention of letting his guard down. ]

Sounds like you know what to watch out for.

[ With the implication that he does too, although he doesn't come right out and say that. Even out here on the beach, you never know who's listening in. For all he knows, Joel could be sussing him out. ]

It's not enough if only a few people do, though. If the majority get swept up in something they can't control, that's a hard thing to break out of. People will do anything just to keep out of trouble. And not everybody can fight for themselves.

Everybody isn't my problem.

[ What, does this kid think Joel is some sort of do-gooder? Please. ]

People are people, always have been and always will be.

That's true, but that doesn't mean they're all worth writing off. Especially not if you're lucky enough to be able to fight.

[ He can't help himself, he's a born and bred Man Of The People. Even when he was off being an asshole, he was still driven to want to do the right thing, whether he was capable of it or not, and has to assume most people have that impulse somewhere down in there.

It's just buried deeper down for some more than others. ]

Mm-hm.

[ Joel's response is neither confirming nor denying, frankly. He hasn't determined the usefulness of most people here, yet. Until he does, he's keeping things close to the chest. ]

When the time comes to fight, we'll see who the fighters are.

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counterattack - 2023-03-14 16:11 (UTC) - Expand

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[Back on Dahna, Shionne was far too focused on her goals to ever really stop and appreciate things. Looking up at the sky always showed Rena and Lenegis lingering above the planet, reinforcing everything and making her feel the pressure of what she has to do until it was all she could think about.

Even with the addition of all the others to the party, she just felt it even more. The closer she gets to them, the more she knows that what she's doing is for the best. But now it's starting to dwell with a new feeling: regret.

Regret that she'll never get to see what Dahna will be like free. Regret that she'll leave others behind who might actually miss her. Regret that she can't be happy. Regret that she can't tell them because she doesn't want to place any burden on them like that.

It's no wonder that she can't sleep on this new world. It's too quiet.

As it is, she's standing on the beach, watching the night sky as the moon slowly moves across the horizon and letting the soothing sound of the water calm her down. She isn't ready for company, but it's not exactly surprising to see that Law also has too much on his mind to sleep properly.]

It feels strange not to see Rena and Lenegis when you look up, doesn't it? It feels.... lonely, in a way.

[ The silhouettes the moonlight makes out of everything and everyone on the beach makes it hard to tell just what he's seeing, or who. It isn't until he's nearly flopped himself down entirely already that he realizes it's Shionne standing there, but the realization doesn't make him hesitate more than maybe a fraction of a second. Down he goes, digging his shoes into the sand. He can tell just by the outline, the shape of her dress and the fall of her hair, before she speaks up.

Even if she hadn't, he'd be comfortable here. After all, he hadn't left the inn to get away from anyone, necessarily, just... to get away from himself. His own head. And that didn't work, but honestly, did he really expect it to? It's all too commonplace by now for one or more of their party to be up past bedtime, lingering by the fire or loitering someplace on the fringes of their campsite, to silently drop down across from them and maybe not say anything, just... be in each other's company.

Even Law, loudmouth that he often is, appreciates the quiet times, too. ]

It's... confusing. Kinda thought I'd be glad to see a sky without either of them in it, but it's not like that at all.

[ The goal was never for Renans to disappear. That's not how you broker peace. Law searches the sky in silence for a few moments, finding the fathomless expanse a bit overwhelming to look at for too long. ]

Do you ever... miss it? Lenegis?

[She can understand the desire to escape yourself. She feels that way everyday, but it's starting to fade away the more she spends time with others.

And even if he didn't have the guilt of what happened in Cyslodia hanging over him, just witnessing the murder of his father would have left a mark on anyone. She doesn't even need to be close to her family to know the truth of that. Besides, it's nice to be alone while not being totally alone.]

I know what you mean. Even on Lenegis, you can see both Rena and Dahna in the sky sometimes. I wonder if it's the same on Rena, looking over at Lenegis and Dahna in the sky and imagining life on them.

[She only knows that the Sovereigns go to Rena, but no one ever sees them after they ascend to the throne.

Law's question drags Shionne out of her thoughts and she looks over at the martial artist with a quiet look as she tries to figure it out.]

I don't know. My feelings about Lenegis are... complicated.

[ Law only gives the thought of what it must be like for the Renans to see Dahna in their sky consideration for a moment or two, then shrugs it aside. He can't assume it's anything sympathetic to the plight of the planet they conquered, and he'd rather not think unkindly thoughts if he can avoid it. He just doesn't have it in him for that kind of energy right now.

Instead, he focuses on Shionne when she glances his way, eyebrows raising. It's not exactly surprising that she'd having complicated feelings, just given what he knows about her, or—rather, given how she acts. He'd have to assume something similar of Dohalim, too. Still, it might be the first time he's heard her tell him what she's feeling before, other than, like. Annoyed and impatient. Or confused. Usually about Alphen. Which, to be fair to her, even Alphen is confused about Alphen, so. ]

You... wanna talk about it? I don't know a whole lot about Lenegis and what it's like there. The people I used to work with didn't bring it up very often.

[She's not naive at all to think that any Renan on Rena gives a crap about what's happening on Dahna. The Renans on Dahna don't care and they've been raised and encouraged not to see the Dahnans as worth any loss of sleep. Of course, Shionne and Dohalim feel differently, but that's only after exposure to the Dahnans and leaving Lenegis that she cared about them.

She hasn't shared anything about her past and she's not sure if she wants to start now, but it's kind of nice to have the offer from someone she knows might actually care about how she became the way she is.

And isn't blaming her for everything ever Renan has ever done in the last 300 hundred years.]

No, I doubt anyone involved in the Crown Contest will talk about Lenegis. It's sort of seen as an honor to come to Dahna and help if you're not one of the Lords involved. Who else is going to help the family's honor and get enough Astral Energy to become Sovereign, right?

[She looks back up at the moon, wondering if she should bother continuing talking.]

Guess that's just one more thing that's different about me than the other Renans.

[ Even if he hadn't traveled alongside Shionne for all this time and seen the good she's willing to do (irrespective of whether she confesses to actually caring about that part, and doesn't just call it "convenient" when she takes the opportunity to do something to help Dahnans directly), he still wouldn't be willing to blame her for everything Rena's done. It's not possible for any one person to be responsible for something like that. That's something he was raised on, but it's not really a lesson he fully understood until after he left Cyslodia. Deposing Ganabelt wasn't a magical cure-all for the realm, and he wasn't the only one doing bad things.

Legs crossed, Law bends one knee up so he can lean on it, listening intently. For the most part, he knows the gist of what she's saying, but it's different hearing it coming from a Renan themselves. One of the most difficult things to contend with is the lack of understanding between the people of the two worlds. It's not as if there's a lot happening by way of breaking bread and explaining their reasoning going on between either side. ]

It wasn't like that for you? I mean— I guess it wouldn't be, but...

[ Well. He'd kind of had to assume Shionne wouldn't be all that concerned about Renan glory or what her family must think if she's... y'know. Doing what she's doing. Unless they're some kind of rebel family, too?! Or—wait. Maybe she doesn't have one at all. ]

Is it... just you?

[Law's questions pull her out of her melancholy spiral that she can feel at the edges of her consciousness and she shakes her head.

How long has it been since she's thought about her family? Longer than she can really recall. There's only so many times you can fall asleep crying because you're so lonely and scared that you forget that you were every anything but that.]

I don't know. I haven't seen any of them in a really long time. It's not like I could have much of a normal family experience.

[She looks down at her hand and lets a bit of the despair that could eat her up spike, seeing her thorns spark around it.]

I can't touch anyone with hurting them, so when they handed me over to scientists, it's not like it was that surprising.

[ At first, Law only answers with a quiet, very gently aghast noise. Only gently, partly because he doesn't think it'd come across so great to go geez, what the heck?! and also because it doesn't really land as the shock it might to someone else. It just kind of tracks, y'know? That whatever went on in Shionne's life, it was probably pretty screwed up. Still, it's kind of a gut-punch to hear her say out loud. It's an even bigger one to hear the resigned sadness in her voice and not really be able to do much about it. ]

"Not surprising"? That's messed up. You're still... I mean, even with your thorns, you were still their family. You're still a person, not—

[ What, a slave? An experiment? It's kind of hard not to feel a particular sort of revulsion, that good ol' is there no end to the twisted things Renans are willing to do? Somehow, it's almost even worse, having heard from Dohalim and now Shionne as well that they'll just as soon turn on their own people. Their own family. For what?

But then he kind of has to remember that, under the right circumstances, Dahnans will do the exact same. They're not so different, in the end. Law sighs through his nose, shaking his head in mute disgust. ]

You didn't deserve that to happen to you, Shionne.

[She's touched that he's upset on her behalf. None of the Renans would even blink if she said that. Her family name was worse than trash. She didn't know why, but the Imeris line wasn't able to compete in the Crown Contest at all, despite being extremely powerful Arte users. Shionne has a bigger array of Artes than any of the Lords they've fought, but she had to escape Lenegis to come to Dahna.

It's a slap in the face to her family, of course, but she doesn't know why.

But they both know that their world doesn't actually care about what people deserve. Did the Dahnans deserve to be slaves? Did the Renans deserve to be masters? No to both of those, but things are what they are until they're changed.]

Maybe. Maybe not. Life doesn't work that way, but that's why Alphen is out there trying to change things, right? Isn't that why you're fighting with the rest of us? To change life for Renans and Dahnans both?

[ It is what it is can only get you so far, and Law doesn't think he'll ever lose his taste for a healthy amount of righteous outrage. Tacit acceptance of the way things are spits in the face of everything he was raised to believe, and by this point in his life, he feels it's his solemn duty to stay mad. ]

Yeah, that's true. Everybody should be allowed to choose their lot in life. Renans, Dahnans... if we're all just following the rules of some stupid contest, then it has to end.

[ That's always been the heart of the matter, right? The Stupid Contest. As always, he'd prefer to keep things simple and digestible. If they end the Crown Contest, everything will be fixed. The end. ]

Alphen might be the big hero, what with the Blazing Sword and all that, but he got it from you. So really, in a way... we all have this hope because of you. You're making a big change for us all, too.

[It's his desire, his anger, to make sure that things change for everyone that mirrors Alphen's that she admires in both Dahnan men. Not that she's said it or will do so. She doesn't truly understand what it's like to be them, but she does sympathize and empathize with all of the Dahnans. Unlike Dohalim, her life hasn't been cushy and filled with happiness. So, she does get it, to a point.]

I don't disagree with that. Until we completely sabotage the Crown Contest, that's just a dream. [And deal with Lenegis's retaliation, but she does wonder if she'll be around for that.]

I...hadn't thought about it like that. [Freeing the Dahnans was always secondary to actually saving the entire system from the thing that still haunts her nightmares.] I always thought of it as using him and the rest of you to accomplish my goals.

beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young [OPEN]

AFTER HOURS - OPEN

INSOMNIACS UNITE

sleep is for chumps

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