expiationlogs | beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young [OPEN]

beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young [OPEN]

Who: Law & YOU
Where: Aldrip and the surrounding area
What: Settling in, getting up to hijinx, with a timeline anywhere from shortly after the TDM to the end of the month
Warnings: Probably nothin'.

Prompts in the comments, some open and some closed! Please feel free to drop any wildcards in the comments as well if there's something else you'd like to do. Law also has a toplevel at the Day of Devotion log, here!

If you'd like to plot something out, you can reach me on discord at tarocchi#8388, or on plurk at

astrologies!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

How am I supposed to help it?! You might be able to—

[ Don't go there. Law bites his tongue. He didn't come here to fight. That might be his default to solution to everything, but he doesn't want to argue. Not here, not now. Maybe it's inevitable—no, it's definitely inevitable. These are things that have to get said eventually, but... like this? Right now? Teeth grinding, he quiets himself, struggling with the need to be understood. He can make himself understood without resorting to saying things like what he almost said just now.

In the grudging silence that follows, Zephyr finds his clarity first. It isn't really a sentiment fit to ease the pain of what he and the others have been through, but on the other hand, it does provide something else: hope. Isn't that a reminder of exactly why he's been tossing and turning, peeking in night after night? Because Zephyr is alive, and as long as Law has anything to say about it, that's how it's going to stay.

The softness of Zephyr's voice wrests vehemence away and leaves only that same melancholy feeling of something like sympathy mixed with regret. Swallowing quietly, Law unbunches one fist and lays it over Zephyr's hand, instead. Not looking at him yet, but at their hands, at least. ]

I'm not a kid anymore, dad. I can take care of myself. And I know you can too, but I... I just want to know you're there. So I'm gonna keep checking on you. I'm gonna watch your back. If you don't like it, too bad, can't stop me.

_{[ It's tempting to turn his hand over to give Law's a squeeze, but that's too much for him to process in the moment. For now Zephyr lets his eyes drift over to them, to Law's hand covering the mangled scar and swallows down the uncomfortable twinge building up in his throat. He's still angry but more at himself now than anything else. He doesn't have the power to change the past and magically make things right between them, not even in his dreams. Something always goes wrong in them, always resulting him losing both and waking up in that cold sweat and rarely, with a panicked shout.

(Yet another reason why Zephyr hadn't asked to stay with someone. They didn't need to deal with his night terrors. )

One thing is abundantly clear through the clusterfuck that he calls his own emotions though. It's small, but it's still something he can pull from the mess and hold onto. ]}

I know you're not. You're...

_{[ But he keeps going and his words encircle Zephyr's heart like a serpent, sinking its fangs in and squeezing with all its might. ]}

You're a grown man. I can't stop you from doing what you want, but that doesn't mean I have to like the idea of you putting yourself in harm's way for me. You could be seventy and you'd still be the kid I'd have to carry down from the roof because you'd get yourself stuck up there.

_{[ A quiet huff of laughter and he shakes his head, free hand coming up to scratch at his collar. That's an old habit he hasn't done in a long, long time and he's hardly even aware he's doing it. ]}

You don't have to sneak around either. You can... You know.

That was one time!

[ Actually, it was more than once, but he only freaked out about it once, so those other times don't count. After the first time, the reckless lunatic part of his brain had already kicked in, so he'd just resorted to jumping and finding something to swing from on the way down, or some other gray-hairs-inducing harebrained way of getting himself unstuck that he's lucky he even survived unscathed.

Law doesn't leave his hand over Zephyr's any longer than what's "necessary," if only because he feels weird about it. Once he's taken it away again, he feels weird about letting go, though, too. It's no surprise this is weird for him, but it also feels like it shouldn't be so... awkward. It shouldn't be so uncomfortable. He'd ask himself, what happened to the days where he could jump all over his dad, wrestle around with him, curl up between his parents at night and swing from his arm, ride on his shoulders, all that— but he knows exactly what happened to those days. They both know exactly what happened to those days. And that's just the kicker, isn't it, that brings them back full circle. That leaves Law pursing his lips, torn between a soft smile of his own and another one of those grim frowns.

In the end, neither expression wins out. He chews the inside of his cheek, and this time it isn't that hard to look at him. For once, it isn't. ]

Mm, can't help it. Sneaking's just what I do. That and punching things.

[ And that's it, the breadth and width and whole of all Law thinks he's any good for. But at least he doesn't say that, exactly. This time. For now. ]

Just... didn't wanna wake you. If you're snoring like that, you gotta be having a good sleep.

Since when do I snore?

_{[ Oh, probably since the third or forth time he had his nose broken. Was it that time he'd gotten popped in the nose by his mentor? Or was it when he'd wound up taking the butt of a gun to the face? Truthfully those instances wind up blurring together after so many years but that isn't what's important here. The real big deal is there's a moment of levity between them, even if it's tiny. Especially that it's tiny. It's a start and that's what matters the most, right?

There comes a point where Zephyr winds up letting his hand slip from Law's knee too, but he doesn't move it from the space between them on the floor. He can't bring himself to just yet. ]}

...But if I'm that far gone then I doubt a creaky door would wake me up. Pretty sure I'd sleep through you tripping over me too if the past has anything to say about it.

_{[ Now, getting punched or a well-aimed headbutt to the solar plexus? That's a different story. ]}

Do the others ever notice when you slip out at this hour?

You've... always snored like that, dad. Not all the time, but if you knock out just right... sounds like a friggin' boar zeugle.

[ It's kind of weirdly comforting, in a way. A snoring Zephyr is an alive, asleep, contented Zephyr. The nights when he'd be asleep but silent meant Law would have to creep a little further into the room to make sure he was still breathing at all. Him sleeping straight through the creaking door or a squeaky floorboard just prove Law's point from earlier, that he's as good as a sitting duck if anyone did decide to drop in on him for whatever reason. There's not much rational thought behind that worry, but he's not about to let it go after one conversation.

But at least now that he's talked about it out loud, they know exactly what the score is. That's more than they can say for... almost anything else between them, really. It's a start. It's something. ]

I don't think so. They don't wake up and nobody's said anything. I can't even lay still most of the time, and that's not waking them up either... Alphen and Dohalim really sleep like logs.

[ So does he, maybe about fifty or sixty percent of the time. The other percent is the featherlight sleeper, always having to watch his own back, sensitive to every noise or, if not something external, then just to his own dreams. ]

Usually I just go out and get some air. Seems like everybody in this place sleep like logs, honestly.

Ah, come on...

_{[ It can't be that bad is what he wants to say but thankfully his tone infers the rest of it. For a moment it damn near feels like the way things once were with the two of them teasing one another until She wound up "scolding" the pair and with that comes an odd pang that goes straight through his heart. As strange as it was it felt... nice. Normal. Even the barely-there smile has to count for something, right? ]}

I suppose there's something to be said for having four walls and a roof over your head at night, huh? And an actual bed, too.

_{[ Zephyr twists to look back at the bed in question, brows pinching together in uncertainty. Back at the cabin in Cyslodia, he'd taken watch by the fire while the others slept. They needed the rest more than he did but he couldn't deny his own curiosity about what it must've been like. Now he knows and to make matters worse he isn't sure if he could ever go back to sleeping on the hard ground. ]}

Has it... always been like that for you?

_{[ Obviously not always-always. Hell, Zephyr ought to know how Law slept better than anyone while they all lived together in Ulzebek. He means after That Day. ]}

[ This is how it was supposed to be. How it should've been, after he rescued Zephyr from execution. They should've been able to talk. They could've fought side by side if Ganabelt hadn't ambushed them. All of that got snatched away in the blink of an eye, and Law's struggling to find his footing now that it's been shoved back into his hands with no warning. Even though it wasn't wrong, he wishes he hadn't said there was no time to talk. Now that they finally can, it's... well, could be better. But it could be worse. It feels good not to be so goddamn serious for a minute.

He even smiles, just a little, his eyes on still Zephyr as he turns. Not that he's been spoiled by luxury himself or anything—far from it. But he's at least had the opportunity to sleep in a nice bed not made of sticks, with a pillow and a blanket, that didn't reek of old blood or desert dust. Like the vegetables, it makes him happy to see his father get to enjoy things he never had. That's what he should have gotten to do in the first place.

But of course, Goddamn Serious comes back and the smile fades. At least this time he doesn't look completely grim and miserable. ]

Depends, I guess. I get nightmares real bad, but not all the time. Since all of us started traveling together—after we left Elde Menancia, I mean—I usually sleep a lot better. Safety in numbers, I guess.

[ That's not it and he knows it. Sure, yeah, maybe a little, but the reason he sleeps so well is because he trusts his friends. And because he never could stand being alone. Not even for a minute. There's nothing lone about this wolf, that's for damn sure. Never has been. ]

Since we got here, though... I don't think I've slept more than a few hours. I just can't. Still, it makes me feel better knowing everybody else is comfortable.

_{[ Bad ones. That's what stands out the most to Zephyr and though his own smile remains, it doesn't quite reach his eyes the way it had before. It's funny to think that there had been so much damn hesitation in his body before but now he finds it strangely absent as he pulls his hand from between them, shifting to worm it under the blanket properly and threads it up between it and the back of Law's neck. Then, even further to awkwardly slip his fingers into his hair all so he can give it a tussle like he once did all those years ago.

No matter how many times Zephyr would find himself comforting the other kids around Law's age, this was something they never got from him. This was a touch meant for father and son alone. ]}

Then you really are staying with me tonight, kiddo. You've been watching over me, so lemme do the same for you.

_{[ At least that way it might soothe Law's anxieties long enough to get a decent rest. Or so Zephyr hopes. His fingertips tease at a barely-there tangle in some of the longer strands of Law's hair, the smile finally fading. ]}

And... hey, if it helps, uh. You're... not the only one. Having bad dreams. I ain't gonna pry into 'em if you don't wanna talk about 'em, but I get it.

_{[ He'll take "Things That Shouldn't Be So Hard To Say To Your Son" for 500 gald, Alex. ]}

[ With a soft noise in the back of his throat, Law starts to duck his head away, but leaves it at the last second. It's been a long, long time since Zephyr did that—since anyone has, really. Even with all the myriad things that make this reunion difficult and complicated to navigate, he has no reason to pretend as though the gesture isn't welcome. That he hadn't missed it. His chest tightens, but it doesn't strangle the voice out of him, thankfully. Which is great, because while he isn't going to feign displeasure with a hair ruffle, he does still have it in him for this: ]

Stay? Dad, I'm too old for that.

[ The hell he is. And honestly, all it takes is hearing Zephyr say he has the nightmares too for him to immediately feel his resolve to act like he's far too grown up to share a room with his father start to crumble. It shouldn't really be a surprise—what Dahnan doesn't have nightmares? Is there one alive that hasn't seen something awful, experienced something traumatic, lost something precious? Highly unlikely, if not almost impossible. Each and every one of his friends have been through horrible things, and although they all process their grief differently, still...

It's just kind of strange to hear Zephyr say it. To be reminded that even a big hero, lifelong fighter and tough, stern father has things that they're afraid of. We all grow up thinking our parents are so much older and wiser, they've got it all figured out by now. But eventually you find out they're human too, and usually it's in the shittiest possible way. ]

You too? I mean, that just sounds like I'm the one who needs to keep lookin' out. I've had a good night's rest. When's the last time you did? Before coming here and snoring the house down, I mean.

_{[ The next tussle is followed up by a barely-there tug as if to say never too old and the sharp almost-huff of laughter that comes through Zephyr's nose only seems to back that up. Yeah, no. He'll never be too old in Zephyr's eyes and it's not even just because they're related by blood. Every now and then when he couldn't sleep back home he'd patrol around Ulzebek, occasionally stopping to look in on those under his protection. It wasn't all that uncommon to find people huddled up together seeking comfort from one another before their own nightmares hit, or even just because they wanted to.

(He wasn't a stranger to it himself.)

The only difference here is, well, they're related. So what if Law's a little too big to fit under his arm like he used to? Gods know the bed was big enough for two grown adults and if Zephyr knows himself any, he'll probably stay up to keep an eye on Law while tending to the fire. Even though there's no real need to keep watch in shifts anymore. ]}

If you mean during a time I wasn't sick, exhausted and ready to drop, out of my mind from a head injury, and without waking up every half hour? Huh... Dunno, actually.

_{[ If he had to guess... ]}

Probably around twenty years ago?

[ It used to be the norm. It's... sort of starting to be again, at least in the sense that he knows he can flop down near (almost all of) his friends and no one will think much of it, but it's a far cry from the way it was in Ulzebek. Or the early days of his life in Cyslodia, before all the friends he allegedly murdered died, when they'd all huddle together for warmth, piled into one single home for safety and comfort. Ever since then, though—well. Y'know. And all of that is a bit different from the way he used to fling himself into the bed between his parents, either flopped overtop of them or wedged in-between, snug as a bug in a rug.

He—kind of balks at remembering it, because that memory wants to take him down a dark road. Y'know, the road that ends at how his mother had shivered and soaked the bed through with sweat in the last few days of her illness and Law, not knowing anything else to do, had crawled in next to her like a sad little dog, trying to offer comfort. Ma, you have to get up—

Law shakes his head. ]

Geez. See? You need it more than me.

[ You know what? Screw it. Ducking under Zephyr's hand, Law escapes the blanket so he can head over to the bed, and this time he retrieves the pillow, too. The floor really isn't the best place to be sleeping when they were just talking about how nice and comfy the bed is, but he knows better than to try and bully his dad into going to bed. Instead, why not bring the bed to him? He plops the pillow down on the rug and then takes his place again, gesturing. ]

Get comfy.

You gonna threaten me with a bedtime story, too?

_{[ Another bout of teasing, yet Zephyr finds himself shaking his head after the pillow hits the floor with a quiet fwump. He's not sure if he'll ever be used to how damned soft those things are either but with that in mind he grabs the corner of it with his now-empty hand and swings the pillow into Law's thigh with a more firm-sounding thump. Not hard enough to be a Call For War, it's just something that... No, he's going too far down ye olde Sentimental Lane.

That doesn't mean it wipes the smile threatening to reappear away though. Gods, no. With the pillow still in hand, Zephyr tilts his head and throws the other end of the blanket back over Law's shoulders. They've never had the chance to sit like this before in a proper house (inn or otherwise), but something about this feels right. Like this was only a taste of what he spent his whole life fighting for.

Something normal. ]}

I swear, you're more stubborn than I was at your age.

I dunno if I know any, but I could try.

[ Either Law finds "stubborn" to be a compliment, or he's just pleased with himself for gaining ground—whatever it is, there's no hiding the curling smirk at the corner of his mouth. After the blanket comes back around over him, he tugs it the rest of the way, then uses that hand to motion insistently. Put that back where I had it or so help me— ]

The only real fireside tales I learned in Cyslodia were ghost stories. Urban legends, that kind of stuff. Not exactly the kind you wanna go to sleep after hearing.

[ For the sake of not making shit weird again, he leaves out the part where the majority of the sources for these spooky stories were folks in the Snake Eyes. Sometimes it was just to deliberately scare the Dahnans and weaker-willed members in their ranks, weeding out the skittish ones and leaving them ripe for the culling. Other times it could be... kind of almost fun, though, making up fake cryptids to blame for things you didn't want to be accused of having done. ]

Don't remind me. I didn't sleep for three days after someone put the idea of the "Sandinus Death Worm" into my head when I was twelve.

_{[ Nevermind that the person who did that was also a Renan. It still counts, and for all he knew (and still knows) such a thing actually exists. With all the zeugles that keep popping up in the wild it wouldn't surprise him any to find out that there really was a death worm and that it in fact lived up to its name. Zephyr grimaces at the thought of it and, despite the warmth put out by the fire, actually shivers.

Except now that it's back in his head, he winds up casting a look towards his boots sitting against the door with a frown. ]

...Maybe I oughta turn 'em upside down just to be sure.

[ Normally it wouldn't have even been loud enough for someone to hear him mutter that little nugget, but given that he and Law are pretty much side by side? Welp. It barely even registers in his mind as he shifts the pillow back to where it was originally, but he doesn't rearrange himself to lie down just yet. Sure, sleep might be creeping up on him but for now he's fine. ]}

How about... something you liked in Cyslodia? There's gotta be somethin', yeah? All that snow and cold air must've been a blessing compared to Calaglia.

_{[ At least let there be someone who likes the snow - Zephyr? Not so much. Maybe if he had proper clothing for it, but as things stood it only left him with a dull ache in his fingers and knees. ]}

"Death worm"?

[ Is that a—yep. It's a laugh. It doesn't come immediately, but rather right around the time that Zephyr shows his obvious concern for death worms in his boots that Law can't suppress a snort, the laugh caught between his teeth. Guess every realm has some stupid-sounding monster, but he really hadn't expected a shudder out of his dad for a worm. Bugs aren't even scary! ]

There's no death worms, dad.

[ Like he's the adult and he's reassuring some kid. Look, he had to do that sometimes, alright? He lost track of how many times he'd pat one of his contacts on the shoulder, some kid his age or even younger, and tell them don't worry, there's no such thing as a wendigo. Technically without knowing if it was true or not, but that's not the part that matters. He just couldn't leave his friends too afraid to go outside for fear that some kind of snow-dwelling deer monster was gonna eat them.

Shaking his head again, he nudges Zephyr under the blanket, and then takes it upon himself to lay down. Not on the pillow, but right next to it, his head propped up on his arm. Lead by example, right? And like this, with his back to the fire, it's nice and toasty under the blanket. ]

The snow? Yeah, maybe for a minute. It felt good until the cold cut in through my clothes and my skin, right down to the bone. Then it was like I couldn't breathe. I didn't have warm clothes that fit for awhile, either.

[ So much for a happy memory. He thinks for a minute. ]

I guess... I liked the people. Even though everyone was always trying to backstab each other and you couldn't really trust anybody, you could still—mm, I dunno how to explain it. It's like... you could still kinda see the glimmer of a good person underneath all that. Even in the Snake Eyes, sometimes. Everybody was afraid to get in trouble, but they still wanted to do the right thing. I always thought, if they just could've been given the chance... if they didn't have to be afraid, if someone could protect them... it'd be a really different place. It wasn't hard to find people that would jump on the opportunity to do something good for a change, even if they weren't guaranteed a payout for it.

_{[ He says that, but he's willing to bet Law hasn't woken up to get a little pinch from a frightened bug that had decided those big stomping boots were the perfect shelter. If a harmless little mantid had been able to do that, who could say whether or not there weren't worms out there the length of his forearm that had an impressive set of chompers and was so toxic that a single touch could kill? It definitely exists. One small upside? It's far far too cool here compared to Calaglia so... Maybe he's safe.

Unless.

Zephyr still snorts lightly and shakes his head, his nose wrinkling in disagreement for all of five seconds. It's not until Law starts to settle in that he himself starts to move, angling himself so that he's facing both his son and the fire. He only takes up the far edge of the pillow himself, and after a moment of hesitation he extends his arm out across the bottom edge and beckons slightly. So what if it's not going to be the most comfortable thing in the world? Dahna knows Zephyr has slept in worse places (and within worse Sleep Piles at that), so a numb arm is going to be the least of his worries. ]}

C'mere.

_{[ It's not even a case of huddling for warmth on a "cold" desert night. This... It was just seeking something familiar. The heartbeat and pulse of another living, breathing person. The family he had thought to be lost to the sands of time, buried because of Zephyr's own mistakes. ]}

Sometimes... people just need a nudge in the right direction. Like you said, they need that chance to try and... even if it goes south, then at least they'll have listened to their heart. Maybe they'd make it a little easier for someone else to do the same. You know that's how it was for me at your age? I wanted to fight back, but I was afraid to at the time. It wasn't until I saw someone show me that it was possible that I started.

_{[ He still wishes that man was around today, just so he could show him... Everything. And speak to him one last time, maybe. His brows furrow for a moment as Zephyr falls into his thoughts, but he doesn't stay there for long. He shakes his head after a time, reaching out with his other arm to fix the blanket a little bit more. ]}

Any friends? Favorite people?

[ Maybe the death worm isn't a stretch when he and his mom swore up and down they'd seen jackalopes all the time, something they'd never been able to successfully convince Zephyr of. He'd always just say it was a regular desert hare standing in front of a snaggle of brambles or something, and they'd gotten the silhouette confused. But they knew what they saw.

Law hesitates as he's beckoned, glancing across the short expanse of the pillow at Zephyr while he settles on his arm in a way similar to how he's laying, himself. I'm too old for that sits on the tip of his tongue again, but this time he doesn't really have the conviction to come out and say it. He's too old for what, exactly? Cuddling up to his dad, yeah, maybe. That's kid stuff. But he knows as sure as anything that's just an excuse to cover for a number of things, chief among them his uncertainty over being close to Zephyr again. That, and his uncertainty over being close to anyone, really. Even among his friends, there's always an arms' length between all of them. The simplicity of a friendly hand on the shoulder is asking a lot when one in their ranks can't be touched, and when each and every one of them has a history that makes the bridge between them feel bigger than it is.

That's always been a struggle for Law, though. He wasn't raised to be so hands-off, and essentially being forced into it in Cyslodia made for some miserably cold nights. His teeth sink into the inside of his cheek, not for the first time and probably not for the last, and then he shrugs everything aside to scoot partway onto the pillow, one arm sliding underneath it and the other folded against his body.

His eyes close to offset whatever he's feeling. ]

A few. They were mostly Dahnans my own age. Not... rebels, exactly, but people acting on their own. We had a secret language to pass messages back and forth. It was a small network, which made moving restricted supplies difficult, but it had to be that way. If the operation got too big, then it'd be easier for a rat to slip in and report us all.

[ Brows creased, Law's train of thought starts in one direction and then shifts in another, and there's consternation in his features when he opens his eyes again. ]

I know what it looked like when we met, but I wasn't... I felt like my chance to be a good person was long gone, but I still wanted to give other people the opportunity. It was all I could do.

_{[ No matter how much time passes, Law will never be too old in Zephyr's eyes for something most Dahnans don't get to have. As such, he doesn't hesitate for long to fix the blanket over Law's shoulders and awkwardly tuck him in (due to the angle) nor does he hesitate to reach up and tuck that long, errant section of hair out of his face. Old habits die hard it seems, and this was no different. Rift or no rift, Zephyr was still a father and Law was still his. He had... so, so much to make up for and when words fail, he defaults to action.

Frowning to himself he withdraws his hand after a moment or three and tucks it against his chest. ]}

I still don't fully understand it, but... At the same time I think I do. It's not the choice I would've made myself but that's just who I am.

_{[ And if he's allowed to be selfish? Then he's glad Law made the choice he did. It meant he survived, and it meant they had the opportunity to reunite even if it wasn't perfect. If only. ]}

Growing up means having to make difficult decisions. I had to make my share of them when I was your age too, but they were never for something like you were doing until I was older. You gave those people a chance, and I don't think that makes you a bad person. You were trying to make the best out of a bad situation.

[ Law's eyes close again, a mixture of emotions passing through his features. For a split second, being fussed with, he wants to cry. Then he's frustrated again. Then he's just... resigned. Too tired, too technically in the wrong to really argue. ]

Yeah, you would've died before you ever did what I did.

[ It's just a fact; he almost says it with a shrug. He already went through the gauntlet of inner conflict about this once, twice, three times already—I'm a disgrace, a traitor to my people, I'm weak, a coward, all that. In the end, he'd dressed it up as best he could to assuage his moral agony, but it just... is what it is. His parents would've rolled over and died before they ever agreed to bend the knee to a Lord, and yet somehow, they raised someone like him, who prioritized his own survival. ]

I don't know if I was thinking that hard about it. I guess "do this or die" is technically a choice, but it didn't really feel like one at the time. I tried not to make the Dahnans' suffering any worse. It was different when I saw you. That was personal.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young [OPEN]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject