expiationlogs | a catchall

[man.

man.

Caitlyn's out, so Vi's left to her own devices, which isn't good. she hadn't really felt up to going to Lupin today, instead letting the kids and the locals (sparse as they were being lately) handle it. if they didn't come in, she would've just closed it.

she's thinking too much. thinking about what she'd seen in Ekko's dream, and confirmation that it was real. that there was a successful universe somewhere out there, where Vander, her brothers, Jinx were alive. where the Undercity was thriving.

but she was dead.

she does what she usually does when she's upset -- which is, obviously, drink. she's sitting on their couch, bottle in hand, swirling the remnants of it around. even numb, she's still feeling and thinking too much. she's not exactly sure where the dominoes fell in that universe after her death. or was it even her death that altered it all?

it can't be coincidence, she thinks.

she finishes the bottle of straight liquor, and then opens the next one. she doesn't care if she's going to be hungover as shit later. she doesn't care if Caitlyn comes back and frets and fusses over her. she just wants it all to stop. for the hits to stop coming, and coming and coming relentlessly, because there's only so much she can take. it's a revelation, it's someone coming back to life and dying, it's her reason for living sacrificing herself for her. it's getting out of jail to a completely different world. it's losing Caitlyn, if only briefly. and even then, a part of her wonders when she'll lose her again. it was the fear of not knowing where Ekko was. just hit.

after hit.

after hit.

she's so, so tired of being strong.]

[When Caitlyn arrived to Lupin after working in her office for a few hours and found that Vi wasn't in, it didn't take much of a guess what was going on. The dreams. The dreams. Vi had seemed okay that morning when she left, otherwise she wouldn't have gone into the office. They had been a lot to experience on her end, so she could only imagine how Vi felt, reliving the horrible trauma of her short lifetime. It honestly wasn't fair, that someone so loving and kind had gone through so much. Even Caitlyn's own pain and suffering barely compared.

Needless to say, she immediately went back home, wanting to make sure the love of her life was alright.

She wishes it wasn't surprising to find Vi surrounded by empty bottles. Caitlyn sighs softly as she closes the door behind her, setting her things down and stepping closer to the couch Vi was sitting on. Her arms were crossed, not so much out of anger, but she's frightened for Vi's sake. She's seen her break downs plenty enough now to know she can lash out (verbally-- she isn't afraid that Vi will hit her, or anything close to that), so she isn't letting her guard down, nor is she going to rush to hold her until she knows Vi will accept that, as much as she wants to.]

You should have told me you weren't okay. I wouldn't have left.

[she's not even surprised when Caitlyn comes back to the house. she knew she was going to put the pieces together eventually, that Vi wasn't feeling so great. they know each other and their habits like the backs of their hands, at this point.]

To be fair... I was okay this morning. A little shitty, but not this shitty.

[she says, her voice slurring a bit as she takes another drink.]

But then... I started thinking about dreams... and how real they could be. Or how real they are here, I guess.

[At least Vi isn't curled up in a fetal position on the floor and sobbing, so Caitlyn will take the win, but she doesn't like that slur in her voice. How much has she already had?]

I think you've had enough, love.

[She's not going to outright take it unless Vi gives it to her willingly, but she steps closer, gesturing to the bottle in Vi's hand.]

If this really is a stimulation, and it's all just projected into our heads, it... makes sense, that the dreams they create for us are realistic. They would be just as vivid as the world around us when we're conscious.

[She pauses, recalling the traumatic images of death she saw in Vi's dream. And that was just a start. She didn't know what else Vi might have dreamed, or what Vi might have seen in other dreams.]

Do you want to talk about it?

Not nearly enough.

[she thinks about giving the bottle to Caitlyn, but thinks better of it and takes another swig from it. she props her feet up on the table in front of the couch, listening to her as she looks up at the ceiling.

her dreams were bad enough. but Ekko's dream...]

Do you ever think about what would happen if you'd just died instead of lived at one point in your life? That things might be... better without you?

[it's the first time she's actually talking about it outside that initial dream with Ekko. even though she's not going to name names about it, though.]

[Caitlyn fights back a sigh as Vi refuses to hand over the bottle. She isn't going to force her, at least, not yet, but that doesn't mean she has to like it.

She's just worried about her. Something about the dreams is obviously bothering her, and she's wondering if it's something more than just the reminder of all the dead bodies in her past.

Unfortunately, her suspicions are getting confirmed as Vi continues to talk. She tenses almost immediately, eye widened as she grits her teeth. Her grip on her own crossed arms tightly slightly, too, unable to help this visceral reaction to what Vi was saying. Shit. Did she know about...?? Ekko had confessed to her about what he had seen in the alternate version of Zaun, and she had seen it herself in Heimerdinger's dream. Did Vi stumble upon the truth in one of their dreams? Did she learn about that version of Zaun? Shit, shit, shit.]

We've both had a lot of close calls. I think it's normal to wonder what might have happened if things played out differently.

[She's. Just. Going to see where Vi is going with this for now. Treading carefully, just in case Vi didn't know. The last thing she wanted to do was tell her now, if she didn't already know. Godsdammit. Make your jaw relax, Caitlyn, or she's going to know you know without you saying anything--]

[she sees a flicker of movement in her peripheral vision, Caitlyn's tensing. as her eyes flicker over to look at her, enough to see that her eyes had widened. jaw and arms clenched and tense.

... she knows Caitlyn too well by now. she knows there's something she's holding back.

she puts her feet on the ground and sits up, placing her bottle on the table in front of her. even in her drunk state, her gaze is probably piercing. trying to read her.]

Yeah, like... someone dying instead of a bunch of others. Of having a whole reality where things were better without them.

[and now her eyes narrow, watching carefully for Caitlyn's reaction.

did she know... ?]

There's some people who experienced that.

[This is exactly why Caitlyn had told Ekko she didn't want to know! She didn't want to hide anything from Vi. And here she is, feeling like she lied or betrayed Vi, for keeping this from her. She knows Vi knows she knows. They know each other too well, at this point.

But how could she say anything? For one, it wasn't even her secret to share. Vi deserved to hear it from Ekko himself. Only he would be able to properly put into words what he experienced. Even if Caitlyn kind of saw it in one of the dreams, she still didn't see it. That wasn't even close to being the same thing. No, Vi needed to hear it from Ekko, and Caitlyn had told him as much.

But two? The scene in front of her proof enough that Vi wasn't ready for this. That this news would break her, hurt her, in a way Caitlyn could not do. Vi did not deserve this mindset that she knows she's created for herself, because Caitlyn refuses to believe anyone is better off without Vi in their life, least of all herself.

Ekko hadn't been able to say whether Caitlyn was alive or not, but she thinks, if she was? If Vi had died and that version of Caitlyn had lived on? She would feel lonely the rest of her life.

All she can do now is close her eye, avoiding Vi's piercing gaze.]

I didn't know... how to tell you.

[Vi gets up now, her face contorting in anger at Caitlyn's admission. that she knew and didn't tell her, most likely because of this very reason. that she'd break. that she'd isolate herself. that she would drink herself into oblivion and hope her liver finally gave up on her.

not that it would matter, since she would just come back to life in a week. but maybe then, she'd know some peace.]

So you were just afraid of seeing me like this, huh? Of your unstable girlfriend getting blackout drunk?

[not that she's close to that state, but yeah.

she wants to be mad. she wants to be so incredibly mad at Caitlyn. but even in her drunk state, her words made sense. she'd probably keep something like this from Caitlyn too, if it meant that she wouldn't see her... like this.

self destructing.

Vi's vision blurs with tears now, her chest heaving. she wants to be mad. she is mad, but she's not sure at who. or why.]

I thought... I thought we weren't keeping things from each other anymore! Of people making decisions for me!

[that's the only thing she can think of to really be mad about.]

[Caitlyn's glad she's not looking at Vi as anger rages through her. She can't see the hurt she's caused her again, or she might break.]

And what exactly was I supposed to tell you, Vi? I only know bits and pieces. What Ekko told me, what I saw in Heimerdinger's dream-- I wasn't there. And even if I was--

[Caitlyn sighs, jaw tensing as she forces herself to look at Vi again, her face expressing worry more than anything. She's frustrated, of course, but her concern for the love of her life outweighs anything else.]

-- How could I put that on you? Clearly that was the right choice. I know things haven't been easy for you, but every thing that goes wrong, you turn to the bottle. I love you, Violet, but drinking yourself into oblivion isn't going to solve anything. I'm-- worried about you. I never meant to cause you any undue harm, but-- I know for a fact any world without you is lesser for it, no matter what Ekko says.

I don't know!

[she doesn't know. she doesn't know anything. she wants to throw something, probably would've thrown something if she was alone, but she doesn't want to startle Caitlyn. she doesn't want to scare her. because even if she upset her by yelling, she didn't want to make it worse.

instead, she collapses into a sitting position on the couch. she puts her head in her hands, fingers threading through red hair on one side.]

I know, I know I shouldn't do this. But fuck, what else am I supposed to do? All these things happen, and I can't control them. I'm just a goddamn bystander in everyone else's lives as shit goes wrong. I have my gauntlets, but even that can't fix everything!

[a sob escapes her throat.]

I just want the thoughts to stop... I want them to stop, Caitlyn. Sometimes it works. It softens the sharpness of everything. I could punch those dummies until my hands bleed, and that still wouldn't even have the same effect. I can't... take another hit, Cait. The one time in my life that I can't take another hit. I might not get up.

Do you think I like it, either? That there's a world where I don't have you? You mean everything to me, Vi-- I was so lost without you once, I can't-- No, I refuse to believe any place is better off, let alone me, or anyone else that loves you.

[It's still hard for Caitlyn to process it, honestly. But it wasn't just Vi she was missing. Jayce...would have been gone, too, wouldn't he? He was expelled the first time, when it happened in their world. She could only imagine the punishment that would've been brought down on him if he was responsible for the death of a child. And then there was Viktor-- brought alive in Jayce's presence, but sick because of the fumes of the Undercity, likely dead without the advancements Hextech had given them. She wouldn't have either of them, then. Her other misfits would be gone, and with no Vi... who else was there left?

No. No, that world was not better. If anything, it just proved that Piltover and Zaun could work through their differences, and it gave her hope for what their future at home could be. But it was not because of Vi being gone that it was "better."

As Vi collapses onto the couch again, Caitlyn edges closer, carefully crouching in front of her girlfriend and gently placing a hand on her knee. Her eyes are filling with tears again, and she blinks them away, just for her singular blue to stare up at the woman she loves.]

I... know you think I have it all together, Violet, but.. I don't. I constantly think about what I did wrong. How badly I-- I fucked up. How things would be different if I hadn't meddled, or trusted Ambessa, or-- walked away from you. How I failed to save your father, barely saved Piltover, and I--

I can't... fix everything, either. I wish I could. I wish I could take away all your pain, all my guilt, and erase it completely. But I wouldn't trade you for anything. You brought color to my world, when everything else had faded. You grounded me, saved me, reminded me of who I am. I don't need you to punch things for me, Vi, I need you because your heart is what keeps mine going.

[Vi watches as Caitlyn comes closer. she's so careful, she thinks -- was she worried she was going to lash out? maybe not with her fists, but with her words?

she slumps a bit further, taking in a shaky breath for a moment. the mention of Vander makes her fingers twitch, because she wants to go for that bottle. pain lances through her chest, but instead her hands found the sides of her face. she takes it gently into her hands, her thumbs brushing across Caitlyn's cheeks.]

I never really thought you had it all together, Cupcake. None of us do.

[a few more tears fall down her face, but she doesn't push them away.]

But you did so much good at the same time. You put aside your feelings about Jinx for me. You tried to help me, even when you had no reason to. You fought so hard to take Ambessa down, and wasn't afraid to do it. Your meddling led you to me. Your grief and pain was manipulated and used by Ambessa. You were grieving. You were vulnerable. Did you make shitty choices? Yeah. I won't say you didn't. But you always fight so hard when you're doing the right thing, because I know you want to make up for it.

[one of her hands goes to stroke her head, and she sniffles. which was... kind of embarrassing, but they're both kind of a mess right now.]

I'll... I'll try to do better, okay? For myself, and for you. I just...

[gods, she feels so vulnerable right now. but she needs something from Caitlyn so badly--]

Can you hold me? Just... just for a little while. It still hurts.

[Caitlyn doesn't think Vi would intentionally hurt her physically, but she hadn't thought she would hurt Vi physically, either. Until she did. And it was something she would regret for the rest of her live. Still, harsh words have been shared even just now, so she's just being gentle. Taking her time coming into Vi's space. Giving her a chance to back away, if that's what she wants and needs right now.

Instead, she feels Vi's hands on her face, and she closes her eye, leaning into Vi's touch. A tear escapes, as Vi talks so highly of her, when deep down, she still doesn't think she deserves any of it.]

This is why I can't imagine life without you. You're the other half of my heart, Violet. The other half of my soul that I didn't know I was missing.

[The piece that made everything make sense with the world. She truly hadn't been seeking out love or affection when she stumbled across her fellow misfit, but when she did, it was like something clicked in her world. If there truly was a world out there where it's Caitlyn didn't have a Vi to meet, she could solemnly state that Caitlyn would never feel complete. Ever.

Only because Vi asks does Caitlyn move to the couch, wrapping her arms tightly around the love of her life and pulling her close, resting Vi's head on her shoulder.]

I'm sorry I kept this from you. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

[she gladly lets Caitlyn guide her to rest her head on her shoulder. she melts into her, glad for the comfort and warmth. Caitlyn's someone she doesn't deserve, and yet... here she is. letting Caitlyn take care of her, as she always does.

there's a sob that comes out in a form of a hiccup, and then she can't but laugh at her own state.]

I'm a mess. But... it's okay. If it was you, I'd probably keep it from you too.

[she reaches out to grab one of her hands to hold it, wanting that extra comfort from her.]

I know I just said it, but I promise I'll try to do better. I want... [aNOTHER BIG SNIFFLE and a laugh.] I want to be someone you're proud of.

[There's something perfect about the way Vi fits against her. It's soothing, the way Vi melts into her arms, like she's always belonged there. If Caitlyn has her way, she always will.]

You are a mess, but you're my mess.

[She doesn't miss that Vi admits she would likely hide something like this from her, too. She bites her lip, not wanting to object, because... she's not sure how she would react towards something as world shattering as what Vi learned, either. But she trusts Vi. They've been so open and honest with each other since they found their way back into each other's lives. She had to trust and believe Vi would act only in her best interest.

As Vi's hand finds her, she entwines her fingers through hers, giving her hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance.]

I'm already proud of you, Violet.

[She kisses the top of Vi's head, just to reiterate her words -- because honestly? Words could not describe just how proud she was of how far Vi had come.]

[Vi snorts. she rubs her eyes with the back of her free hand, letting herself sink even more into Caitlyn's arms.]

We're both messes. I guess that's why we fit.

[lmao, she feels so pathetic right now--]

You shouldn't be.

[there's a whole mess of reasons why Caitlyn shouldn't be, in Vi's mind. she's a drunk. she's fucked up. she's this, she's that.

she just doesn't get it.]

a catchall

caitlyn. sometime after the last event

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cw: vague ideations

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