expiationlogs | (dated nov 1st) hey guys hey................

Entry tags:

(dated nov 1st) hey guys hey................

Who: peter "baby spider" parker
Where: stem club, spider house, and i'll add as i think...
What: peter's back, peter's saying sorry, peter's giving back to the community, he's sorry........... i'll use this as my catch-all for the month of november, so i'll slowly be adding things to it! if anyone would like a closed thread, i'm all for it.
Warnings: none so far!

(a few hours after he gets his shit together, the following message pings:)

Hey guys... I'm sorry for, uh, like disappearing and all that 🥲🥲
Wasn't my intention at all
I can't explain what happened either 😣
I went back home, not dead ⚰️ That one I can explain, but very long and kinda confusing explanation, maybe another time
And uh I'm really sorry for worrying my friends

But I'm definitely here
Alive
A...mazingly so
Available 🫠
At anywhere if you want to see me
At mostly my place though and the STEM club room

Uh I might have missed a lot
So update me okay
And OH if you have anything broken that you want fixed 🛠️🔧🪛🔩
Or you know something you want to improve
Bring it to me free of charge

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

(listen, it's a lot for one person to go through what he just went through. it's a little too much. not only a lot has happened at home, but he hates the fact that his absence hurt the people he cares about. people who remember who he used to be. people he loves - the only people he has. he tries not to dwell, to keep going, keep moving, keep busy, things he now knows are simply how peter parkers tend to deal with things. just keep going forward.

but peter, right now, needs something simple. something nice, wholesome, stressfree. so, he has a little stand in city hall, tools by his side, and a sign that says:

I'LL FIX YOUR ELECTRONICS FREE OF CHARGE.

give him something.)

(but some things never change. he doesn't have his usual spidersuit, he'll need to make a whole new one, so it's the nanites that wrap around him once again. very weird to have this on after so long, and it hasn't even been that long! either way. he goes. he texts. he laughs. he gets distracted.

he hits his entire face on a tree.)

(a snowy evening in his falling apart apartment is the last thing that peter experienced in a world that doesn't remember him, right back to aldrip. a lot has happened since the last time he was here, fours years dead, back to life, fight aliens, lose people, lose himself, find himself, lose everything. 5 years dead, one alive, and it's been... so much.

he isn't sure what he feels when he gains consciousness on a bed he hasn't been in so long, two very familiar smells bringing both joy and a pang of--

what if they don't remember him, either? he has to rush. first stop is the stem club room, where he would assume both spiders would be. please, remember him, please, remember him, please, remember him...

once he arrives, his hair is a mess of curls in all directions, pants punctuating his breath, and he starts pacing before he makes it in.)

Hi, I'm Peter Parker, you guys might not remember me but I-- Nope, nope, scratch. Hi, I'm Peter Parker, do you guys need a hand?-- No, also weird, stop saying your name like that, don't be weird. Hi--

(please save him.)

[Day 32 without Peter. Gwen is...managing. It's hard to say if it's necessarily gotten easier, but she's trying, anyway. She's definitely still frustrated that they haven't really been able to make any progress with extracting the backup data. She has no idea if that will even bring Peter back, but it's at least a slimmer of hope that he can be brought back to her.

She still has all her friends, and well as another Peter Parker, that have all been amazing and supportive and given her the time she's needed to process her grief over the situation. But they've also been pushing her to keep her from isolating herself and to get to a somewhat normal routine again.

So here she is, at STEM, putting on a brave face and trying to pretend she doesn't still feel broken all over again, at Peter's insistence. She falls easily back into the rhythm they've made in the science room, and she's deep in concentration at tweaking her new webslinger (she...might've broken one of hers, during one of her denial periods that involved fighting a lot of monsters, oops), when she felt her spider-sense tingling. It was a familiar sensation, one she's somewhat gotten used to ignoring at times, because it told her another spider was nearby. And she had another spider nearby often.

Her first reaction was to glance across the workstation to Peter. But-- no. This wasn't Peter, but it was just as familiar. More familiar, even. It only took a moment more for her mind to catch up to the flips her heart was already doing, because she heard that voice---

She was on her feet in seconds, not even caring that the web device popped opened and webbing exploded everywhere across the whole workstation when she threw it down, because that was him. That was his voice. She hopped over the desk without a second thought and was at the door immediately. Her eyes landed on the figure in the hallway, and...she froze. She was almost unable to process what she was seeing. After thirty-two fucking days, here he was like-- no, something definitely happened. He looked... older? But that can't be, if he went home, he went home to die, but then how could he--

No, it didn't matter. Whatever it was, it didn't matter right now, because he was here.

She unfroze just in time to completely interrupt his speech rehearsal and threw her arms around him. A part of her honestly wondered if she was just seeing things (which, seriously wouldn't be surprising at this point), but no. She made contact with a solid person. He was really, really there.]

Peter! Oh-- oh my god-- you're back! You're really here! [She's still in too much shock and surprise by this, just wait until the emotions really kick in.]

glad you're safe

[It's all Vincent can manage to text. He does want to see Peter, to make sure in person that he is well, but the lingering guilt from what had been only a day or so ago prevents him from really going anywhere.

For now, this will just have to do.

At least Peter is alive. It is a relief, and he's certain Gwen must be happy.]

[It had been an emotional whirlwind, to have Peter waltz back into STEM club. And it wasn't like nothing had happened, either-- it was evident a lot had happened. At the time, she had been too overwhelmed by his return to really comprehend everything that implied, nor was it the right opportunity to press him with questions and for details.

It wasn't just her and Peter that were excited to see him again, either. All their friends were quickly realizing he had returned, so he was getting hounded with love and relief from just about everyone he had interacted with, which was unsurprising. Everyone loved Peter, and everyone felt a hole in their hearts with him gone. That's just proof of how much he meant to everyone he met.

But finally-- finally, Gwen was able to drag him away from the cluster of well-wishers, and they took to the streets for their favorite activity: swinging.

They were both quiet, but that didn't mean they didn't both fall into right into sync, as they always had been as they flew through the city by web. It wasn't until they finally landed at their favorite spot, the tallest building in the city, that Gwen finally broke the silence. She cleared her throat as she settled at the roof's edge, legs dangling in the air.]

This must be a lot for you-- coming back after being away for so long. How're you holding up? [She has a million thoughts, and a million questions, but that seems to be the most innocent to start with. She knows he's been gone longer in his time than the time that passed for her, and it's obvious he's been through shit, but she doesn't want to press. She'd be lying, too, if she said she didn't fear what that meant for them, but she could settle for just having him back in her life, even if it meant they couldn't be together-- but she'd worry about that later. Right now...she just wanted to make sure he was okay.]

MISTER VALENTINE!!!! 😭😭😭 I missed you!!!

(he didn't manage to tell her a whole not. not the whole story, not about everything, and there are key moments that he left out, it had been upsetting, and the last thing she needed was to be hit with more sorrow than she already was. to see aldrip again makes it all seem so dreamy now, a long memory, to be known and seen and recognized a surprise he isn't sure he'll get away from anytime soon.

it has been a tough year. for a second, he just focuses on the way the wind feels against his hair as the nanites release it on their trip. he can do that here. he could do that there, too, for a while. not great. everything is not great.

... which is the answer of the question she poses, once they're sitting and he's about to tell her the whole thing. all of it. the feelings, at least, haven't changed - if she can bear the fact he's a little different now.

perhaps now, they're more alike.)

... Not great, Gwen. It's... It's been like, such a long time? And it hasn't, because out of the six years I've been gone, five I was dead, so it's just... A lot. ... I lost a lot.

(god, he's going to cry for sure.)

[There's no judgement from her at his emotion. She's been broken for a long time, and he loved her, still. Hell, she honestly has barely been keeping it together, this past month. The amount of tears she's shed, even just today? Yeah, she definitely couldn't judge.

It breaks her heart even more, to see him like this. She doesn't want him to hurt, but she can't help but be relieved that he's alive.]

Peter-- I'm so sorry. [Ever since she first clung to him, she tried to hold herself back, to give him space until they could talk and figure things out, but now she can't help but edge closer to him and wrap her arms around him. Honestly, she needs it too-- maybe not as much as him, but still.]

Do you want to talk about it? If you're not ready-- it's okay. It always helped, when you got me to talk, so I just thought-- If you want, anyway. [god, why does she feel so nervous talking to him? It's still Peter. Even if he's been through literal hell and come back, it's still him. But she can tell he's different. He's gone through the shit that spiders tend to have to go to, and while it's not fair, she's not surprised, either.]

(his hand reaches for hers, it needs to be close, needs the support, even if he isn't even sure how to begin articulating what he needs. he doesn't know how he needs to be supported, because he's not anymore.

he's nervous, too. he can't explain why, but he has to try, and he takes the embrace, hiding on her shoulder as he sucks in some air.)

... I... I don't know where to begin.

(where? the blip? tony? aunt may? god, how does he tell peter about aunt may?)

... So, we... We all came back. They managed to go back in time and get the stones, so we had them, and they brought everyone back. It was-- there was a huge war, I was there, I met all the Avengers, we all fought Thanos... And mister Stark... He didn't make it, Gwen.

[Everything had been so good between them, so a part of her hates how unsure they both are being with each other. It's still Peter, she keeps telling herself, but then he's just as awkward and unsure, too. They'll get through it, she hopes, and just keeps holding him. Her hand squeezes his when she feels him reach for her, wanting to give him the comfort and support he clearly needs.]

Oh, god-- Peter... [What else can she say? Sorry only helps so much, she knows that far too well. At some point, all that really matters is that someone listens, and understands. And boy, does she understand. It's never exactly the same, but the other Peters lost Ben. Miles lost Aaron. She lost her dimension's Peter. Spiders know loss, far too well. It was something they all had to face, unfortunately, no matter how much she hates that Peter is facing it now.]

(it seems like it's just something all of them have to face. peter 3 and 2 definitely did, gwen too did, so, it's not like... he has that much room. if anything, it just makes him more like them than he was before. irresponsible, he was so irresponsible, so wreckless-- and look where that got him.)

It's... After that, it was like... So crazy, Gwen. Everyone was gone for 5 years, and we just... Came back. Life moved on without us, and that... That would have been hard enough, but Gwen, people really, really wanted me to fill mister Stark's shoes, and I couldn't, I just couldn't do it -- and then I let go a little. I just wanted to enjoy time, and be with my friends, and... With MJ. That's all I wanted.

(because... she knows, of course she does. peter parker and mary jane, she said, but apparently, he's off that curve. peter parker and michelle jones.)

This guy... He came around, said we were facing something crazy-- it was all a lie. He wanted... Stark Tech, and I thought... He was nice. He was more deserving than I was. I gave him the entire access to mister Stark's framework, Gwen. Just like that. I just... I just gave him.

['With MJ.' It hits harder than Gwen wants it to, because she doesn't want to be jealous. She doesn't want to be mad that Peter's life continued on, with no memory of her and what they had while here. And yet, there's still a part of her heart that still aches at that news. He had said he didn't have an MJ, but apparently he did, he just hadn't found her yet. Welp.

But she has to move on from that, has to focus on what else he's telling her, no matter how hard it is for her. Peter needs to get this all off his chest, what she thinks or feels doesn't matter.]

You couldn't have known, Peter. You said he lied to you. It isn't ...wrong, that you wanted to just be a kid. No one should ever have tried to put all that responsibility on you. [They're both still kids. They've been kids the whole time all this crazy shit has happened to them, and had to grow up and be responsible for things that should never have fallen in their laps. If anything, that's on Tony Stark, for not having a plan on who his tech went to and letting it get pushed onto a literal child.]

... No, but... I shouldn't have just given it away. It... It was stupid, Gwen. To just give someone-- something so big. Something that was mine. Something that could-- and that's not the worst part, because-- because I beat him, right. He almost killed Ned, almost killed Happy, almost killed MJ-- and I beat him, and he-- he died. It wasn't my fault, but he... I guess his people? His people made a video. Like I killed him. And he-- he broadcasted my name. My identity, and stuff-- oh, Gwen, mister Murdock was my lawyer.

(he'll have time. they'll have time to talk about them, about what it means for them. perhaps, from now forward, they'll have more problems, or perhaps fewer. he doesn't know. he left everything behind, regardless of what he feels. peter couldn't blame her if she felt strange over it, especially after the fact he did feel like he was living under another person's shadow for a time.

it's hard. being them is hard. everything-- they're children. he realized that once all the responsibility of the avengers fell on his lap, nick fury all over his calls, darting his friends.

perhaps he should have just sucked it up then and there.)

[Gwen knows a thing about being wrongly blamed for murder, she just didn't have her secret identity blasted on the news. But she heard all the nasty things they said about her already (especially from Mayor Jameson), so she can only imagine what they'd do with her-- and now his identity. Ugh. But his friends were okay, so that was good, yeah? MJ was-- she was okay. It's soo good. The Murdock comment gets an eyebrow raise. She didn't think she'd be hearing the name again, especially in this context. Ironic, how they met here and neither of them knew this would happen.]

I know... our identities are both big for us. Keeping them secret, protecting the people important to us. But you've said before how everyone knows the Avengers names. Maybe... it won't be such a bad thing? May already knew, your friends knew, and you have the Avengers backing you. [It was a bigger deal for her, when she was basically the only hero around. But Peter had backup-- apparently a whole army worth of people that would fight by his side.]

Was Matt able to help? With the whole...framed for murder thing? [Her Matt was a damn good lawyer, so she could only hope Peter's version was just as good. He seemed competent, when she interacted with him here.]

He could, yeah. He was great. Happy's case was in worse waters, but yeah, no, he was amazing for me and...

(she's trying, he can tell, but he isn't done with the sad stream of shit he had created. he hasn't gone there yet. it makes his stomach turn, because she's being what he tries to be. a beacon of hope, of light, to something that gets worse and worse at every turn.

he could have laughed at the Murdock thing, he definitely thinks now that it's more than a little ironic that they're all just connected, like destiny works weirdly like that. except the name that she brings up makes him sniff.

took him a while to start crying, but it sure did happen.)

May is dead, Gwen.

[It was only because of him that she had been able to get out of that slump of sadness she had been in, so it was only fair for her to return the favor. Only, as he continues, and he drops the big news, her stomach drops.]

Oh, no--

[Yeah, there's nothing she can say that can fix how badly that must feel. She doesn't know his May, but she knows May in her dimension, and the one in Miles-- she's always a really amazing woman, and she has no doubt that the woman that raised this Peter was equally as amazing.]

Oh, Peter.. [All she can do now is pull him closer, hold him a little tighter, and let him cry. God only knows he probably has bottled it up, just like she had before coming here, just like they're all so bad about doing. Bottling it up and keeping up the good fight. She's hesitant at first, to do anything more, but she finally moves her hand to rub his back. She doesn't know if it's too much, considering he found MJ, but she wants to help comfort him so badly. She hates seeing him like this.]

... Yeah. Yeah, that's... What happened.

(not only what did, but right now, he can't talk. he needs to let it out, because there's more to come. the fact this all just happened like that-- all the guilt, and he can't even begin to explain just how little of gwen's guilt had been actually her fault, when so much of what happened had been his.

a good minute passes, with his arms wrapped around her and the tears soaking up her outfit, leaning into the touch. eventually, he clears his throat to explain. he'll only distance so he can breathe, because that part? that part is hard.)

... We... Ned and MJ had helped me with Spiderman business, so, when the news broke, they were brought in for questioning, and... They were being punished, because of me, they didn't get into MIT, they were being swarmed, they were being questioned-- all because they knew me. So... I... Went to Doctor Strange. I asked him... To make everyone forget that Peter Parker is Spiderman... And I didn't just shut up asking him to change it, so I botched his spell... And it brought people who knew Peter Parker was Spiderman from other dimensions. That's why I met our Peter, back home.

... I wanted to fix things. Fix their villains, I mean. I just couldn't. One of them... Killed May. I almost killed him, Gwen, I was so close-- but the Peters... They really pulled through for me.

... But the multiverse was breaking, so... I asked Doctor Strange to erase Peter Parker. No one... Remembers I exist, Gwen. Not Happy, not the Avengers, not Ned, not MJ... And I promised I'd come back, but... They got hurt, they keep losing things because of me, so... I didn't. I couldn't.

It's just me. That's why I was... Trying to reintroduce myself. I thought all of you would forget me too, since I technically... Don't exist other than in paper, anymore.

[Gwen hates how happy she is to hold him like this again. She feels guilty about it, because MJ, even as Peter continues to tell her how his life fell apart. Jesus. It's worse than she could have ever predicted. Worse than anything she's ever gone through. He may have pulled away, but she reaches for him, cupping her hand to his cheek, just to remind him that she was right here. She remembered him. He wasn't alone.

He's a little all over the place telling it, so it's a little hard to follow. She's used to the way he tells stories, which helps, but there's still a lot of names dropped, a lot of big information that she's trying to wrap her head around as he just keeps going.]

You...met Peter? -- Wait, "Peters"? [She wishes that was the biggest take away from what he said, but nope.]

Dr. Strange-- that was the wizard guy you told me about, from the whole Thanos stuff? [She has so many questions. Peter's telling it as if it's all his fault, but what about the wizard that fucked up the spell in the first place? But.. she can't talk, she holds all the guilt from what's happened in her dimension, too, even if anyone else would argue it wasn't.]

Shit. That's--- you weren't kidding, that really is so much. Can't the wizard just fix it? It was his spell that messed up, so can't he just... undo it? And make it right again? [She has no idea how this wizard stuff works, but it makes sense in her head?? Because that isn't fair for Peter, to have to give up everything. She knows how hard it is to feel alone like that. To have no one. She didn't want Peter to feel that, he deserved so much better.]

... Yeah. I met the Peter we live with. He was sucked into my dimension, too. And the other one... He was older. Shot webs directly from his wrists, like his body makes the thing, it was-- a whole thing, but he's cool.

(he doesn't think gwen knows that one, considering she didn't know the one they share aldrip with. the debt he owes that one is huge, but he knows that speaking of mj any further is strange. it's weird. it's just-- it's a part of what he experienced when he didn't even know gwen existed, aldrip existed, and the wound is very much still open. it might be for a long while, it might never fully heal.

and she would know how that feels like. there wouldn't be any part of him that could blame her for feeling as she did, he felt it too. he too wished and wished that whatever happened, who he is, wouldn't affect them.

because he does really feel the love he spoke about before he left. it's just more layered, now, more complicated when they're both broken.)

Yeah, that's the wizard...But, no, he can't. There's nothing we can do without breaking things even more, you know? And he never even met me, from his perspective. It is what it is. Me trying to fix things going the easy way is what got us into this mess, anyway. I really could have just called MIT and appealed, but no, I didn't do that.

Wait, wait, wait-- You met a Peter Parker. That shoots his webs, directly from his wrists--?? [THAT SURE IS SOMETHING... she's definitely hung up on that for several long moments. She's met quite a few spiders by now, but none of them were like that. Even Peter Porker, who was originally a spider, had to have webshooters. That is so, so weird.

But... she's glad he had help. It's wild, too, that their roommate was also there, but he doesn't remember it either?? Funny, how people connected to him keep appearing, but before they met in their original timeline. She did get to meet her Matt Murdock, but what she would give to see Miles again, or even Peter B, but-- that felt selfish, to wish them pulled into the mess that is this place.]

You don't know that. Maybe he can, at some point. You didn't think things would be okay after Thanos, but your friends found a way, so maybe-- [She sighs. Maybe it is fruitless. Maybe he is just...screwed, but she doesn't want that for him. She doesn't want to believe that, for his sake.]

I'm sorry. I want to fix it for you, even though.. I have no idea what you can even do. I know what it's like to be alone. I just...don't want that, for you. [She had her dad, at least, but.. he had literally no one, now.]</small.

[After she met Gwen, after the reset, Fauna has been periodically sending out search shikigami, just in case. She's pretty sure Peter's gone, but... Well, never hurts to be sure. Besides, it doubles as keeping an eye on the city- Maybe some monsters will show up. Better to be prepared.

Which means, as he's standing around, a little paper doll flies up to him, flies in circles around him for a bit, before zooming off again.

That's probably not as strange as the figure in armor and a fox-like mask suddenly floating down from above to see him.]

There you are. You're "Peter", right?

[Sweet. Typical of Peter. It makes him almost crack a smile.]

you were also missed
have you and gwen caught up yet

peter???

we're meeting now. i don't care where. a rooftop.

Does that mean that
You don't care which rooftop
Or that like
You changed your mind about not caring 🤨🤨🤭

Missed you, Cyclops. I'm getting to our spot but I think you're gonna need a ride?

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(dated nov 1st) hey guys hey................

keep trying trying

don't swing and text

to spider people

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text; un: mrmurasaki

catch up date

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text; un: shades

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