expiationlogs | (open & closed) broken hearts are made for two, one for me and one for you

(the first person he decides to meet once manjiro comes to himself is not the first person he wishes to see. his brain swims between the two lives he has lived-- three? the person he was at home. the person he was there. the adult he became, the one that he could be -- the one he is? it's all fuzzy, and one thing is for sure. why did he feel so much better without holding back?

the dojo is one of the things that bring his mind into further dismay. he remembers these walls, remembers how the place looked even bigger when he was younger. a place so far from this one, and yet, he feels incredibly displaced walking through hallways he feels are his own and aren't, all the same. one thing always makes sense - yu doesn't seem to be home, and working that tiny pocket-sized tablet isn't going too good for him, so.

the fighting sounds as he kicks the punching will make clear manjiro's home once yu arrives. it's fine.)

[It takes him ages to find the dojo.

The twists and turns that Aldrip has taken on are utterly foreign, and he gets turned around more than once, but in the end, he does finally manage it -- though he hesitates at the door. Why? Is he afraid he'll find the place empty, or that he'll find the people he's looking for? It's hard to say, for sure. Either way, he lingers in the genkan for a while, back pressed against the wall as he sits, sorting things out. There's an ache behind his eyes, throbbing in his head, but every time he closes his eyes he sees--

"They found a dead body--"
"The entire town! It's filled with shadows!"
"You actually did it! You destroyed evidence--"
"We avenged you, Nanako--"

Yu stands with a shaky exhale that sounds as exhausted and worn as he feels. He can sort this out later --what's going on? what's happening to him?-- but for now, it's all too raw to face.

This-- is easier.

He stands in the doorway for a moment, just...watching Mikey kick the bag. Observing him, maybe, the differences between right now and their encounter in March. Watching someone he's come to care for aim a gun to his head--

Adachi, pulling the trigger, watching him as he boards the train and laughing--

It's not real. (Right?) Don't think about it. The punching bag rattles on its chain as Mikey's foot makes impact again.]

Looks like it's no match for you.

[In any other case, there might be a smile to go along with those words. Right now, he doesn't even try.]

(it's stupid, how he doesn't even want to look behind him to the source of the voice that calls him. to him, yu had just been one more person he shot at, someone he now feels so thankful that he didn't really hurt - and at the same time, there's only so little he can feel. stupidly weak, how his heart aches at the idea of looking back, and even more foolish is how he came back here. he should have just gone, just left, it seems like part of him thought so before, the feeling drags him down, nearly drowns him, a darkness clouding his vision -

he's thankful that he's not facing the boy, because it gives him a moment to breathe in, close his eyes and almost beg for the impulse to return later as he squeezes his eyelids shut.)

Nothing really is.

(it's what invincible means, isn't it? he sighs, only to turn around to look at the boy that makes his heart jump a little in his chest

heshouldleaveheshouldleaveheshouldleave

he will stay. just a little more. as much as he can. so, his toes support his weight as he lifts himself to take a good look once he comes close to the other boy's face.)

You should eat something, Yuchin. Lookin' like you've seen a ghost.

[Look at me. He doesn't say it, doesn't even consciously think it, but some part of him knows that he needs Mikey to face him, that he needs to be able to look the other boy in the eye if he's going to be able to move past everything that happened in that strange other-life.

And yet--

When he does, when their gazes finally cross, it doesn't help. It just reminds Yu of everything else, of how jumbled his memories have become in the aftermath.

Curse. Dark impulses. Violent urges. Revenge -- the look on Namatame's face as Yu pushes him into the TV--

--don't think about it. It's so hard not to think about it. "I'm fine," he wants to say, not because he wants to lie but because he so desperately wants it to be true. In this moment, with everything Mikey's just been through-- he wants to be okay, needs to be okay, in order to be able to face it all. But his head feels like it's tearing in a dozen different directions, and it's so hard just to focus, and he doesn't want to lie--]

Not sure I can. [Not with his stomach in knots and his head feeling like it's on sideways. His eyes flick over Mikey's face.] Feels like I've seen a ghost, too.

(he can't pretend like nothing has happened, not really. not when yu looks like that, not when he looks like his mind might explode from all the information, all the pressure, a balloon that inflates, but never really pops-- or does it?

but he can't address it either. he's not okay, not by far. at least shinji put some of his thoughts straight, but his own mind swims between reality and illusion, and more than ever, he feels like his sense of self is fragmented in ways he hasn't ever experienced before.

and it's not so uncommon for mikey to not be all there. it shows on how his eyes don't focus, don't really look at yu even though he's looking straight at him.

he shouldn't have come.)

I'll give you the punching bag.

[They say that eyes are the windows to the soul, and so, Yu usually finds it easier to use eye contact to bridge the distance between himself and others. It's not working -- not right now. Every moment, every heartbeat, seems to add miles between them, pushing the blonde further and further out of his orbit. He seems as shattered as Yu feels, as if he, too, is missing pieces out of place, parts of himself that were put back wrong.

All of it is wrong.

The distance between them widens again. He glances from Mikey to the punching bag and back. Yu seems to have the ability to make his expression transparent or unreadable at will, and it shows in this moment, in the wistful regret stamped all over his face. He wields this emotion openly, projecting the truth of how he's feeling for a rare moment.

Everything is wrong and different, and as much as he wishes it would go back to how it was...he knows it won't. Can't.]

I think we both know that's not gonna cut it.

[For either of them.]

(it's that face that makes him snap a little back into where his feet are grounded, back to this moment. yu-- even when he was shot at, even when manjiro's shown over and over who he really is, he never looked like that. it's almost like his stupid goodness shone through his eyes, through his smile and helpless optimism. this is hardly like that, and manjiro doesn't know what to do.

he barely knows who he is, a thin line he's walking upon all the lives he has lived making it so hard to step forward, and yet, he's standing strong-- but he doesn't fucking know.)

... Then what is?

[He's doing it again, and Yu sees it clearly: that leader's tendency to focus on others instead of themselves. It's usually him in that role, and after everything, after all the memories and the moments and the wrongness...it's a role that Mikey needs to shed just as much as he does.

But this--]

I don't know.

[It's an uncomfortable thing to admit, but after everything that happened, he has to wonder if Mikey is just as mixed up as he is. Maybe if they could both let the mask down, if they could both just talk...

It's a bit of a calculated choice, to show his hand. He does it anyway.]

I've been remembering things wrong all day. Things that didn't happen, at home...things I think didn't happen. Bad things. I'm not sure how to make it stop.

(much like him, yu narukami doesn't talk. it's the burden that they share, the one that they feel they must stand tall and strong even when everything is falling apart. manjiro always told the people around him, 'all your burdens and futures are mine', and this is no different. he has to think proper, yu never needs him like this... never asks for him like this.)

... I'm not that different. This isn't me, to me. Me shooting you-- that feels like me. I don't think we can stop it. Just move past it.

(the entertainment district feels a little more like home - all the lights and everything, and while he doesn't ever remember aldrip looking like this, there are no questioning from him as his feet walk towards the familiar. everything feels so fragmented that it looks like the boy is deep in some part of his mind, thinking thinking thinking

until he stops at the casino, that is no longer--

his. no longer his in territory, in memory, it doesn't even bear the machines, the staff, whatever happened to them? -- event center?

there's nothing going on in here tonight, but the entire place is glowing with light as manjiro turns every switch, trying to see what isn't there. his hands hover over ghosts of the tables as if he is truly feeling them against his fingertips, of the machines, the counter, the bar--

claude?

no.

a bizarre sight indeed.)

(it's starting to come together, he's starting to realize-- this is him, but that? that is who he is, in the end. the more he fights it, the worse it gets, and he feels it pumping through his veins, that venomous rage that blinds him to anything but it.

in the late hours of the night, nearing morning, manjiro strolls so as not to call too much attention to his bike's engine sound. it takes him half an hour, his knuckles bloodied and the furthermost abandoned building is absolved out of any dirt that might be taking their less than legal business there. it's his. it'll stay his until he moves.

for now, he can wait. it's not so bad he can wait wait wait wait

next thing he notices, he's at the hot springs, no longer bloodied from a shower at least, body half soaked in one of the pools, heat unknotting his muscles after the fight. he's got cuts on his face, bruises that are now a blend of red, purple, and blue.

oh, damn. okay then.)

(he needs to talk to his brother for a moment - which means, for a day, he rides, although he doesn't go too far. the sound of his engine echoes through the forest so he can find that damn bunker that was found when he arrived. he remembers there were some mechanical parts in there, some experiment bullshit he won't even touch, but everything that can be used to build comes back with him to aldrip.

he rests at the city square, grease covering the blonde locks and smeared onto fair skin as he attempts to put some bike parts together along with some of the stuff shinichiro left at the shed that once were his workstation - now is manjiro's room.

maybe something can come out of it. who knows.

unfortunately, with those greasy hands, the screwdriver he was employing slips through, rolling, rolling, rolling...

until it hits a shoe.)

Yo, can you get me that?

(sir its full of GREASE)

(DOJO HOURS ARE ON.

ah, it's been a very long time since he has worn his black belt. it feels just right against his waist, and today, he decides to have private sessions before joining everyone in a simulated fight. it's better so he can see where they could be better individually, how they can be even better - he's not a bad teacher for this, at least.

manjiro's a tough one, though. after 30 minutes of high training, he finally whistles to illustrate a break.)

Grab water, and if you feel like you gon' pass out, you gotta tell me so I run to the kitchen to get you something to eat. You cool there?

[It may be full of grease but Levi doesn't really care. He leans over to pick up the screwdriver anyway and brings it over, looking over the bike.]

I'm guessing you didn't get that here?

[Though with the update of the city maybe he did. ~~Maybe Levi can find one.~~]

[ Manjiro's not alone. Minato's back at the hot springs too, though instead of taking a dip, he's back to helping keep it tidy. Astralin's nice to him and the work isn't too bad, so he doesn't mind lending a hand. He's inspecting some of the rocks lining the edge of the hot springs, making sure none of them are cracked.

Not too far off, there's a shiba inu who's lending a paw as well, nudging a damp cloth along the floor to help scrub it clean.

As some of the steam from the hot springs clears and he catches a glimpse of today's visitor, Minato realizes he recognizes them. ]

...Manjiro?

[ There's been an uptick in crime around Aldrip. He's quickly reminded of this, given the bloodied and bruised state of the others' face. ]

...are you okay?

(huh. minato is the first person to call him by his real name in this place just because. that's-- strange. almost a little wrong, to the point that he almost forgets to reply to the call - it's strangely comforting.

his head tilts back, and for a second, i'm sorry minato, shiba inu wins his attention, whistling to get his attention for a lil' pet.)

Mhm? Ah. Yeah. Fine. Bar fight, wanted to let people get a few punches in for fairness purposes. You good, Minato?

Nope, came with me almost, a few weeks after. It's mine from home.

(... he is almost forcing that fact into his mind.)

Its nice.

[He liked motorcycles, though he'd never owned one and never really used one.]

Do you want any help?

You any good with these things?

(wait. he knows this kid-- right? he does. probably?)

You're Takemitchy's friend, right?

Uh...I've helped with car maintenance before.

[Friends? He doesn't tend to think he had friends, but he does remember Takemitchi.]

I, uh, I guess...but I haven't seen him in a long time.

Similar principle. Check the bolts on the other side.

(oh, manjiro just didn't tell him. oops, his b.)

He isn't here anymore, he went home. It's just me.

I can do that.

...I kind of figured. He didn't seem like the type to just go quiet. Sorry?

[Is that what he said here? Its kind of like losing a friend.]

[ That's fair, actually. Minato feels like he could safely bet that Koromaru's more popular than him.

Shiba Inu does wander over to Manjiro, cloth still clutched in his mouth. Only when he's close enough for Manjiro to give him pets does he lower it to the floor. His mouth is freed, allowing him to offer a friendly bark.

Minato, on the other hand, continues to stare with mild concern. ]

...yeah.

[ Even if it was "for fairness purposes," isn't this a little severe? And in any event, yeah, Minato is... definitely good compared to the state Manjiro's in. ]

I can heal you, if you want.

[ He's not going to force it on Manjiro, even if he thinks it's a good idea. ]

(puppy puppy puppy

who is now getting a lot of love, and unfortunately, a little wet, with manjiro's hands all over him, but hey... it's a shiba. his heart is so full for the moment.)

I already told you to not just agree with what you don't.

(because, once again, look, he is making 01 expression. come on, minato.

... and it's not a bad idea. he knows what it feels like, and it's effective-- it's easier to evade the questioning if the evidence is gone.)

Yeah, do whatever, I don't care.

[ Nothing that a good shake-off can't fix. Koromaru will dry himself off later, maybe even do it right next to a very dry Minato.

He shakes his head this time instead of just agreeing. ]

I'm okay. I remembered everything.

[ Because guess who found eight memory items from the event!

Either way, he'll rise to his feet after he's finished inspecting the rock. Minato reaches for his Evoker and takes it in hand. He presses the barrel against his temple, and because he's not actually sure whether Manjiro's ever seen an Evoker used before, he adds: ]

...don't worry, it doesn't hurt.

[ He pulls the trigger, manifesting a white unicorn. It trots over to the edge of the hot springs, lowering its neck until its horn hovers over Manjiro's head. A white light envelopes its body, Dia spell quickly mending the cuts and soothing the other teen's bruises. And then the unicorn disappears, fading into the ether. ]

(open & closed) broken hearts are made for two, one for me and one for you

(yu) you're so brave, stone cold crazy for loving me;

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attention is expensive to pay

fuck you its my free will (cw npc death mentioned)

tiny burst of optimism in them

i know what will make you feel better

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cw gun/suicidal imagery evoker times